A question about karma and revenge: The right thing for the wrong reason

Actually, this probably will lead to several questions, but here we go...

I am a nice person. To be honest, I am too nice. Apparently I'm somewhat naive also, so keep this in mind while reading.

I have never been one to get revenge. I have always been one to be not easily angered, but if I do get mad, I do it, I cry, I get in a bad mood, I'm upset for a few hours or days... depending on the situation and then I get over it. Live and let live.

Well, very recently, I was in a relationship with a man that I was VERY good to. Honestly, I think I had been better to him than anyone ever had in his entire life. I treated him like an absolute king and would have done just about ANYTHING for him. The relationship started off great. I thought he was the man of my dreams. His family loved me and I cared a lot for them. I was in love with him. Absolutely in love. I did basically whatever he wanted me to do, but I liked to because it made me happy to make him happy. Things were great.

Little by little, things started to go down hill. He started acting differently towards me and basically only just wanted to see me when he needed something. I finally told him that I felt like I was just being used. Before, when we were helping each other equally, I would have never thought that, but it really had turned into a one-sided relationship. I knew something was up, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. Long story short, this man that I had been so good to... had went out of my way, every single day to help, had been cheating on me with several women. I was mortified. The truth all came out one day when I showed up at his work and asked where he was and was told that he had just left with his girlfriend. Well, he had left with ONE of his girlfriends.

I immediately called him and yelled at him and called him everything in the book and then some. I told him I would be coming to pick up my stuff and it better be there and in good condition when I got there. He wouldn't see me face to face, so he left my things with his brother and took off to who knows where. I arrived at his brother's house with the intention of just getting my things and leaving, but his brother invited me in, told the children there to go play in their room, and for the next hour, while I sobbed my eyes out, his brother revealed things to me about the man I had dearly loved that absolutely blew my mind. This man had been living there with his brother until that day because on that day, just before I got there, they told him he was no longer welcome to live with them.

Turned out that the man I had loved so much and had put so much into had been in prison several times, had a rap sheet a mile long, was on parole and driving on a suspended license. He was still married to a woman he hadn't seen in years and had been seeing numerous women behind my back, and all for one reason... he was using us to get as much out of us as he could. When one of us caught on or was unable to help, he moved on. Of course his family had known about his past, but didn't speak of it to me because they truly thought he was a changed man, until that day when he showed up at their house with a girl who wasn't me, when he was supposed to be exclusively seeing me, and said he was seeing this girl so that she would pay his child support. Turned out that if he was even one day late on his child support, he was going straight back to prison. The family had been catching on too... they had been finding pill bottles around the house and knew that he was lying about where he was. I also found out that he owed them I don't even know how much money that he had been promising to pay back, but he kept telling them that his pay from his job was delayed. When he showed up with a new girl after they knew he was only supposed to be with me, it all came to a head and basically went to hell.

I found out later that night that he had treated another of his brother's the same way and had even been talking of making drug runs. There is a lot more to the story, but I think this will suffice.

So anyway, I lost it. I knew the guy was out driving around on a suspended license, on parole, on pills, with kids in his vehicle and I reported him to every possible agency I could report him to so that his ass would basically go straight back to prison ASAP! Now, it's true that he had already been in prison twice, once for attempted murder (geez, the things I get myself into!) and once for something that I'm not even sure of. He was endangering children by being under the influence of drugs while driving and was in violation of numerous other laws. I will admit that I DID call because of the kids. I was worried about them even though I only knew his son. I cared very much for his son and I thought he did too, but wow... he's a con artist. He could have made me believe anything. But, even though I reported him because of all these things and he was doing so many illegal things, the driving force behind it was anger and hurt over what he did to ME and I was absolutely determined to have him caught as soon as possible. I had never EVER been so hurt in my entire life by anyone, and I thought I'd seen it all! I don't feel bad about reporting him because he was endangering children, but it does bother me that hurt and anger were the main reasons. Make sense?

So, logically, I know that if he's caught (he may have been already) those children are safer and there will be one less drug dealer on the streets here. But spiritually and emotionally, it bothers me that I did it out of anger. I know the majority of you ATS'ers will think I'm nuts for feeling bad for reporting such a creep, so I kindly ask for mostly feedback from the more spiritual of us.

Will this come back on me? I mean, I know that if he found out, he could easily show up at my house and blow me a way, but I mean as far as karma goes? I feel like I did the right thing for the wrong reasons.

I also wonder if maybe the whole point of my relationship with him (in the big scheme of things) was for all this to happen so someone WOULD have him put away before he hurt someone... not sure about that. Just one of the many things that have gone through my head recently.

Thoughts? Advice?

I'm not scared of physical harm. I feel that I am protected and if he does do something to me, well, then that's just one more reason for him to be put away.

You seem like a good person. Don't feel bad about what you did. You did the right thing. Maybe you'll save others from his deceptive ways. Get some pepper spray, though, and keep it with you at all times. Sorry you had this trouble. Someone better will come along, and you can put this behind you. Someone worthy of your love. Meet the family early on so you can get the truth before investing yourself in a relationship. Best of luck. I'm saying a prayer for you.

reply to post by gemineye


I do believe you were put into the life of this person for this outcome.

While you think you might have done it out of anger alone, you are coming up with your own reasons to justify it. Based on the driving around with the kids in the car, no license, and on drugs would have been a clincher for me to make the descision to report him also. I mean despite knowing about the other women. Possibly I have this wrong, in that you had no idea about the drugs before speaking to his brother, but then again, if you were that close, how could you not know?

I guess you have to ask yourself, though, would you have reported him for that, if things were still hunky dory between the 2 of you, or would you just have ignored it?

I have reported somebody for something similar, without having to give my information because it was the only way I ever saw this person getting help for themselves before killing somebody. Things were ok between us, but this person would not admit to having a drug problem.

All in all, think of it this way, hopefully if he is caught, not only will the children be safe, but he might be forced to turn his life around, and will hopefully get some help.

Othewise, thanks for keeping the rest of us women in the world safe for a while from the leecherus cad!

I've often wondered about karma in these situations.

Someone has some negative karma coming their way
You are the one to deliver (chosen?)
Are you then liable for that delivery and should expect some of the same? And in that case someone will have to deliver your negative karma etc etc...
Or, does the original guy pay up for both of you?

The piper has to be paid but I wonder who foots the bill.

Enough of my wonderings.

Sorry you had such a rubbish time with this loser, I wouldn't lose any sleep over reporting him.

I wish I'd done the same when I had the opportunity, I've had my fair share of rat bags

I'm not a Believer in Karma, according to the traditional perspective. I see it only as a mechanical system and not a Value-Judging system.

What I do see in your post is that you gave away all your power to the man.

Which is why you did what you did in retaliation, to gain your power back but also to hold some over him for a change.

To me, doing anything in anger is poor decision making. But it is okay to use the power inside that anger to motivate you to action when required.

My simple advice would be to forget about relationships for now, focus on living your life how you want it to be, making it how you want it, and let the Universe provide when the times are right for you.

And, I would take the lesson from the relationship and learn to establish Boundaries. Ask yourself "How much is Enough?" and when you know the answer you must put a line in the sand that no mortal can pass.

reply to post by gemineye


Well this come back to you? No.

There is no such thing as Karma. If there were, we should all be dead.. Yet here we are, you and I, alive and well. So I wouldn't worry about Karma, too much.

reply to post by Blanca Rose


When our relationship first started, he was clean. Little did I know that he was getting monthly drug tests each time he visited his parole officer. I never saw him doing any kind of drugs... He did make it a point to tell me that he stayed away from people who were users and made sure I wasn't on anything (recreational) before the relationship started.

It was just during the last two weeks of the relationship that I think the drug use started. That's when things got weird. He had been cheating on me all along though. I did see him taking pills (just orally), but I didn't think anything of it because he was being treated for an abscessed tooth. I went with him to get it treated so I know for a fact this happened. He had been a user before, and I did know that, but I was led to believe it was years ago in his teens, so I wasn't worried. He was given a prescription for pain medicine for the abscess and wouldn't even take it at first, even though I know he was in pain. He looked like he was hiding a golf ball in his jaw. He took his antibiotics and hoped that he could deal with pain until he healed, but he finally broke down and took the prescription meds. And I think that got him started. At first it was for pain relief, but I think he started abusing it within days. I failed to add that he lied about delay of his pay. He had gotten paid (I confirmed this through a connection to the company) but I think he went straight out and bought pills because he had used up his prescription by that point. The last few times I spent any more than a few minutes with him a day, he was taking several pills at a time and telling me his jaw was hurting so bad, even though it'd had plenty of time to heal. I know now that, it was just an excuse he could use to get high without me suspecting anything, but I did suspect it. I just didn't want to believe it. But this was the beginning of the end of "us." And another thing, I'm on a pain medication for fibromyalgia. The last time I saw him, I had just gotten a refill. When he got into my car, they were there. After he got out and I left, they were nowhere to be found. Things kind of clicked then, but that was the end. It was the last time I saw him.

That was long-winded, lol. But, if things had been the way they were between us starting and I found out he was on drugs, I would have dumped him and moved on, and yep, would have reported him. I suppose would have asked him to stop first, or to try rehab, but if he refused, then absolutely. I wouldn't have put up with it.

reply to post by Incubus2


You know what, I so hope I save others from his deceptive ways! I certainly have tried! I IMMEDIATELY got in touch with two of the girls I found out that he cheated on me with and told them to get themselves tested ASAP! Told them everything. None of us knew about any of the others (except one who just didn't care). Don't know how many women found out at once. It was BAD! I even ended up talking to the newest girl, the one he showed up with at his brother's house (and his ex-home) that night and told her all about him. Told her every last thing and knew and just told her to consider herself warned. He had been lying to her already. I don't think he's with her anymore, but who knows. If I could, I'd write it across the sky for the world to see so every woman would be warned! I wouldn't wish what he did to me on anybody.

He makes me ill.

I'm a firm believer in Karma. Or what goes around comes around, if you prefer that. Karma has no timetable but it's never far away. The belief helps in that you can take solace in the fact that whether you've been treated rightly or wrongly by someone, eventually that will balance out. For all people involved.

...but I mean as far as karma goes? I feel like I did the right thing for the wrong reasons.

That's how I see it too. Release your anger. He'll get what's coming to him. Karma is like that.

A side note. I work in corrections so I know what I'm saying. Cons by and large are pretty persuasive and often charming. It comes with the territory. Don't beat yourself up for being taken. These guys do it as a life course and you were a rookie in this pool. Just chalk it up to experience, let Karma work the universe out and you'll be all the happier for it.

reply to post by Kaytagg


I'm a firm believer in karma! I don't think it has the ability to kill though, because you're right! The majority of us would be long gone. I think it's just part of learning as we go through life. If you purposefully screw up someone, somewhere down the road, it's gonna get you back even worse. Although I do wonder what in the world I ever did to deserve what he put me through! Oh well, live and learn, I guess. Life goes on.

I work in corrections so I know what I'm saying. Cons by and large are pretty persuasive and often charming. It comes with the territory.

reply to post by intrepid


Boy, did I ever find that out the hard way!

Btw, since you're in corrections, what typically happens when someone is reported for a parole violation? I mean, I'm sure it depends on the situation, but I talked to his p.o. directly and she sounded like she was expecting to hear it and honestly, she sounded thrilled that I was reporting him! So even if he isn't caught driving on a suspended license, what is likely to happen at his next appt with his p.o? Does an anonymous, very detailed tip really lead to anything? And, again, I'm sure it depends on the situation, but I've heard of junkies who manage to pass drug tests all the time. I'm just kind of curious as to how his next appt is likely to go, if he hasn't been picked up by then.

Edit: Just wanted to add that I have let it go now. After I first reported him, I was out on the road looking for him just so I could call the cops and tell them where to find him if I saw him, but I've stopped. I know that karma's gonna get him if they don't get him first, and even if they do get him first, karma will still get him anyway. And to be honest, I don't even want to hear about it when it happens. Sounds nuts I guess, but I don't know... I just wish he would straighten up and be a man. I did care for him an awful lot and still the thought of anything bad happening to him bothers me, even though he sure screwed me over big time. But I never want to see him again. I just wish him well and hope he grows a brain at some point in his life.

[edit on 8/24/2010 by gemineye]

reply to post by gemineye


Stealing your pain meds? That is about a low as a person can get, on top of everything else the guy was doing to you, since you really need them.

Outside of being very angry, and who can blame you, I hope you feel some relief that the jerk is gone.

Really, it makes me happy to know that you have let the other women being duped in on it, too! I hope they tell two friends, and they tell two friends........

If he isn't put in jail for the other things, he will probably have to get out of town now, anyway!

Sadly, he is also burning bridges with his family.

I still don't think you have to worry about a karmic payback on this one. He basically created his own bed, and has to lie in it!

Originally posted by intrepid


A side note. I work in corrections so I know what I'm saying. Cons by and large are pretty persuasive and often charming. It comes with the territory. Don't beat yourself up for being taken. These guys do it as a life course and you were a rookie in this pool. Just chalk it up to experience, let Karma work the universe out and you'll be all the happier for it.

Thanks for sharing that. If there is one thing that I have learned in my years, and all the jerks I have encountered, it is the ones who seem overly charming from the get go, that you really have to watch out for!

reply to post by gemineye


I can't answer that because it's different by jurisdiction. I can only speak of Ontario. IF that was here, he would be spot tested for substance abuse. Probably being watched by the cops for ANYTHING to throw him back into the can. I see it everyday. That said, it's only here though.

Edit to add: Not knowing his parole arrangement, even a driving charge can revoke ones parole.


[edit on 24-8-2010 by intrepid]

reply to post by gemineye


It sounds to me like karma took care of him.

She is a wise lady, and in this case, she is your friend ... in fact it seems that in this case, you were karma personified.

reply to post by Blanca Rose

Really, it makes me happy to know that you have let the other women being duped in on it, too! I hope they tell two friends, and they tell two friends........

My thoughts exactly. Ironically, just days before all this happened, I had been trying to help him get his business up and running and was talking about how word of mouth would help him more than anything. I got the word of mouth part right, but I doubt it'll be doing him any good!

He basically created his own bed, and has to lie in it!

That's what I keep telling myself. He's sure been in a lot of beds lately. I have a feeling the one he's created for himself isn't going to be quite so pleasant as the others, hehehe.

reply to post by schrodingers dog

She is a wise lady, and in this case, she is your friend ... in fact it seems that in this case, you were karma personified.

Maybe! I know I've never been this way before. I really do usually just let things go, but this time I couldn't stand it... it was like I was driven... couldn't stop until I knew I had reported him to everything I could report him to! I had never had trouble with self restraint ever, but this time I couldn't hold back!

reply to post by gemineye


First of all, I feel for you, in my long life I have seen a lot of women get in a lot of trouble over a man who looked good on the outside but was dark on the inside. I think you are dealing with is a dark soul, and soul that has been recycled so many time, for so many crimes, it just becomes a repeater. Hard to explain in plain human language, but you get my drift, right?

It is not your place, or your responsibly to clean up after this person. We have agencies in place to deal with his sort, some here physically, and some multidimensionality. I just call them "forces," for lack of as better name. If you mentally "put it on him," hint, hint, he will get punished, I can assure you.

Third, and I hate to have to lay this on you, but you may the "kind," again, for lack of a better word, you have an attraction to these abusive men. I have seen this before, and it is not your fault, just the way you are made. Just do some investigating from the start when you begin a relationship with someone. Demand to meet family and friends, you can tell a lot about a man with a study of his friends. Do not feel alone here, or think yourself the only woman like this, my own wife went from abusive man to abusive man until she met me. I treat her like the Queen that she is, and so does everyone else in our home. A woman should be queen of the house. Meanwhile, hope I didn't insult you, or confuse you.
Love and Light, Autowrench

I would say let the universe do it's thing and move on,.
Yes what goes around comes around, nobody is immune to their fate.

It is always best to take the high road ethically and morally
Good luck to you
Also, fill yourself with positive energy and want good things for your self.
It will come

[edit on 24-8-2010 by Lil Drummerboy]

reply to post by cazzy2211

I've often wondered about karma in these situations. Someone has some negative karma coming their way You are the one to deliver (chosen?) Are you then liable for that delivery and should expect some of the same? And in that case someone will have to deliver your negative karma etc etc... Or, does the original guy pay up for both of you? The piper has to be paid but I wonder who foots the bill.

That is EXACTLY what I've been thinking... and I had given it thought before, although not on such a level as now. I mean, is it all just one big vicious cycle? I don't know. But you could have picked those words straight from my brain, lol.