proof that the government is the antichrist

Saturday, February 02, 2002
Samizdata Illuminatus (Arkham, Massachusetts)Humour|

Scientists discover new element!
[Tentatively attributed to William DeBuvitz]

The August 2000 fire at the Los Alamos Laboratory had one significant consequence. A secret scientific document, discovered in a bunker whose security systems were mostly destroyed by the fire, was leaked to the public last weekend. Actually it reveals nothing that we didn't already suspect. But it does show that the government has known all along that, besides arsenic, lead, mercury, radon, strontium and plutonium, one more extremely deadly and pervasive element also exists. This startling new discovery -- the heaviest element now known to science -- has been tentatively named GOVERNMENTIUM (Gv).

Conspiracy theorists speculate that Governmentium has been in existence since the time of the Manhattan Project or even the Philadelphia Experiment, and kept top-secret by the CIA. Perhaps its existence accounts for the explosive growth of bureaucracy over the last half-century. This astonishing element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of 0. It does, however, have 1 neutron, 15 assistant neutrons, 35 deputy neutrons, 80 vice neutrons, 145 supervisory neutrons, 165 team leader neutrons and 225 consulting neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 666.

These 666 particles are held together in the nucleus by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called "MORONS", themselves surrounded by vast and undeterminable quantities of lepton-like particles called PEONS. Since it has no electrons, Governmentium is INERT. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a miniscule amount of Governmentium causes a reaction which would normally take less than a second over four days to complete. Unlike all other known elements, Governmentium does not decay measured according to its half-life, but instead undergoes continuous reorganization in which assistant neutrons, deputy neutrons and vice neutrons exchange places, causing a sample mass of Governmentium to actually INCREASE over time since with each reorganization some of the PEONS inevitably become MORONS, and, finally, neutrons, thereby forming entirely new isotopes. This characteristic of PEON-MORON promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Governmentium is formed whenever MORONS anywhere reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "CRITICAL MORASS."

Governmentium has been found to concentrate in certain key locations such as governments, large corporations, and especially in universities. It can usually be found polluting the best appointed and best maintained buildings. Scientists warn that Governmentium is known to be toxic and recommend plenty of alcoholic fluids followed by bed rest after even low levels of exposure.

LOL

nice one!

Are people that bored that they have to make up stories? I wish people would post only relevant info.

Originally posted by ArcAngel
Are people that bored that they have to make up stories? I wish people would post only relevant info.

Did god not give you a sense of humor? Jeeeez.

What's considered "relevant" in Chit Chat??? (or was the thread moved...)

I stuck it here in chit chat, as it seemed slightly relevant in a perversely funny way. And yes I'm slightly bored as been stuck at home since monday afternoon with a badly pulled back, doped up to eyeballs on painkillers. Laughter is the best medicine, or so they say....

Originally posted by grunt_ignited

Did god not give you a sense of humor? Jeeeez.

He's working for the gov !

What kind of pain killers arc...Share the wealth...Just kidding, I barely take aspirin...lol.
I think that your post was both funny and well thought out. And very creative to boot.

_____________________________________________
Be Cool
K_OS

Great read arc, LOL

Humor is a very good thing seeing as how current events have been nothing but gloomy. Nobody seems to be able to laugh much anymore.

When was the last time you actually had a "gut" laugh that made your insides hurt with pleasure?

A laugh a day keeps the doctor away...

deleted

Originally posted by deleted

When was the last time you actually had a "gut" laugh that made your insides hurt with pleasure?

A laugh a day keeps the doctor away...

deleted

Go to this site and laugh til you wet yourself.. at least that is what I did. www.lileks.com...
The Gallery of Regrettable Foods , Little Big Books and Dateline: Kennel almost killed me the other night.

i daren't look - belly laughs would kill me right now!

K_OS - only paracetamol and ibuprofen I'm afraid. Don't usually take medication but don't have much choice right now. Herbal remedies let me down....

if anyone really needs amusement may I recommend the movie Kung Pow! - left me with face ache for two days first time I saw it

Originally posted by ArcAngel I wish people would post only relevant info.

Only relavent info?...In the Chit Chat topic?...Where irrelevency is not only expected but it's the "norm"?

Time to switch to decaff dude...


However, I seem to remember the same article having been posted on these forums quite a few months ago...I'm not going to spend time on the search for it though. I had a comment or two already posted there, so I'm not going to repeat them here.

Originally posted by arc Laughter is the best medicine, or so they say....

It's also the best areobic workout you can get too. The heart rate goes up, your muscular structure tenses & relaxes in spasms for exercise, the breathing rate goes up, Cardio-vascular system gets a good workout, your mood gets better...etc.
I've seen a show on Discovery Channel about a study on how healthy laughter is for the system...

If you think hard-core laughter isn't your speed just yet, try www.darwinawards.com...
Here's the purpose of the site, in their own words:
"The Darwin Awards honor those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it. We commemorate the actions of men and women who gave their all, in an effort to improve the human species. Of necessity, the honor is usually bestowed posthumously."

In other words, they commemorate those whose stupidity removes them from the gene pool, thereby also removing the "stupidity gene" from the human genome; It's natural selection in action. Good for some belly-laughs, but not extreme enough to cause further damage to someone already injured. I hope my recommendation doesn't wind up being stupid enough to remove *you* from the gene pool by aggrevating your injuries beyond endurance...

Get well soon!


[Edited on 13-3-2003 by MidnightDStroyer]