Depression: The first sign of an awakening.

For me the transformation took place after I was able to control my depression.

I never really understood my depression but I do understand myself more now than ever before, so when I was in my 20's my depression had no reason and I could find no answers. I refused medication for fear that it would hinder my Spiritual Journey because even in my darkest moments I knew I was on a Spiritual path.

Why and how each episode was able to lift is beyond me, but each time I had to remind myself to rejoice in all emotions as a means of releasing them. For instance, if I was angry I would spend the entire day angry; I would put all my efforts at staying angry and living the anger for all it was worth. I did this with the promise that the next day would be for another emotion, regardless of the emotion, but I would not spend another day wasted on anger. If I was sad, then I did the same thing, I rejoiced in the sadness so that every thought was my saddest and every emotion of sad would pour forth. I reveled in the sadness as much as I reveled in the anger but I only allowed myself the one day. Sure there were many angry or frightened days, many sad or dismayed days, many bitter and resentful days; but above all of this there were those few days where the sun rose and nothing could be so beautiful. On those days I reveled in the beauty and I rejoiced and bathed myself in those incredible emotions.

It was years of ups and downs before I was able to reach my inner child. I didn't understand until much later that the abuses of my childhood were trying to manifest themselves over time; I was a recipe for depression, anxiety, and fear.

I too was someone that considered my jobs as careers. I took them seriously and it would upset me that others would not. Often I found myself in conflict with the lazy and the manipulative folks around me. I was accused of "Threatening" people and I was written up on several occasions because of lies and accusations against me that were not true; the product of those that found me 'threatening'. I never understood those words until much later that I was indeed threatening them, I was exposing them for what they truly were. Needless to say I moved from depression to something more sinister. I began to believe what was being told to me, that I was the problem, that I was the manipulator, that I was the negative force; I grew very ill, so much so that it put me into the Emergency Room with pancreatitis. I would go weeks with no sleep and I would have energy enough for double my output; I was a wreck and I was burning out fast. I had turned psychotic in that I was beginning to hear and feel the most sinister thoughts. Even being in the same room with my accusers caused such a reaction in me that I am certain now that I was not even coherent or rational. I did finally take anti-psychotic medication. I reached out to a psychologist and I quit my job immediately. Of course, first I put in my notice and then I calmly cleared my personnel file through HR when I presented the work facts that I was systematically lied to and lied about by my superiors.

I used the anti-psychotics for just a few days. I have always been against such things but this time I knew I medically needed help. I had previously used Welbutrin (anti-depression medication) to quit smoking so I guess my fear was alleviated somewhat.

I found that both types of medications turn off the noise in my head, it turns off the pictures too; a bit like a zombie but with a calm rational sort of attitude. I never took anything more than eight days total, then I quit to face the demons. It took time but I am finally through that dark period of my life.

I wish I had answers to others as to how to best grasp medicine and psychology so that they can overcome the torments that present themselves. I wish there were a set of guidelines in achieving and overcoming this, but there is not. I guess sharing is the next best medicine.

reply to post by Spirit777


I've felt exactly the same where I've been depressed because I realise how the world is.

We should define how we determinate "awakening".

I don't know how to get depressed. One might get depressed over how things are in the world. But awakening could mean many things, like how you learn to see beauty everywhere, in nature. That's one of the most powerful healing forces in the world.

So maybe awakening could be about extremes, you learn to see the extremely destructive, hopeless, gloomy side to everything, but also the limitless ecstasy of everyday life. And everything in between.

It's about how you process things, some get sad, some get angry. In this case, i think that getting angry could work as a driving force to change things. As hard as it may seem, but feeling sorry yourself and dwelling in sadness usually leads to nowhere.

I have a friend who has had very similar experiences, switching jobs because of the environment, his GF took off with his baby son.. that guy never had a thing for free in his life.

I hope you manage.

I suffer from the normal depression related stuff as others with esteem and adequacy issues, etc etc. However what haunts me and overshadows all of this is what I call EXISTENTIAL ANGST. It's just this dislike of being in a world where all of biological life has evolved on the basis on survival of the fittest, natural selection, dog eat dog, poisons, fangs claws, and venom abound. How do you think we humans got the way we are? It has it's deep roots in evolution and the ontology itself, and life at its core is a blood bath.

I truly don't like the "games" on which life on this world are based, but I don't know where to get off! I wish I could believe in a better world to come, but I have no basis (other than believing myths) that such a world exists beyond this one. So for me, depression IS about REALITY and not some cognitive distortion which makes me feel depressed. Interesting thread--

[edit on 30-7-2010 by whatsup]