I care to much, My heart is to big for this world

may I give you my own piece of mind? not that you can say no to me mid-post. But,
life is circles. you get focused with the circles you belong in, whether that circle includes you and a pet, or you and co-workers, you have timed periods of constant surroundings.
with this said, we tend to get sucked into, or zoned out as to what we aren't seeing.
we believe that the circles we exist in is all there is, and we gauge our existences' worth inside these circles, but its not true.
we have a whole world of circles behind us, we just don't look for them.
So before you continue to believe the you aren't happy, do me a favor, and turn around and notice all the little circles around you.
it all starts with being nice to random and complete strangers.

You most definitely are not alone brother, Shaun. As a matter of fact I am a bit surprised that our lives are somewhat similar. My dad was an alcoholic that beat on my mom also. He wasn't always like that, he was was a pretty good dad at one time. That's one of the things I have to tell myself from time to time, you have to remember the good times too, don't just dwell on the bad. He died from cancer years ago and since then, I haven't had the nightmares of some black form chasing me where ever I went. I bet you've had some nightmares too. Am I right? Then there's my oldest brother who died from alcoholism back in 2003. He was mellow, easy going and liked to party. At least he died in his sleep, R.I.P. I was married once but the wife couldn't have children and now it's more likely than not I will not be finding anyone able to have them at my age. I wish I could have had children, they would've been a great source of happiness. It seems, from what you've said, your kids are needing your love and attention and I bet anything they can make you forget your past troubles if you give them a chance to and just focus on being there for them. That's what they really need anyway. That's all any kid needs from a parent, just to be there. As a parent your life is about your kids now, so get on with it my man. I envy you that you made it this far and have a family to show for, I have nothing. But I'm ok, I have good friends and I try to live everyday like it's the last. Life is too short not to. Peace, God be with you.

reply to post by shauny

You know you shouldn't be thinking like this, but every nerve ending in your being tells you its a cowards way out, and to go and take it

From my experience, forces good and evil affect us daily. For example, the positive or negative thoughts or emotions that you have about someone or something, attempts to encroach on your power of will in the everyday decisions you make in your life. I have learned that these forces, positive and negative, are very elusive and most people's ability to recognize said forces are severely lacking and are chalked up to their own cognition.

When in reality, I feel that the vast majority of an individuals cognition is influenced by unseen forces, both good and evil. For whatever reason, some people are seemingly more susceptible to these forces than others.

It is my feeling that our souls are the receivers of a constant barrage of good vs. evil in a battle to win the rights to our souls. In the end, to the victor go the spoils of one more soul in the army of good vs. evil.

Once you realize that these thoughts are not truly your own, but are being forced upon you because of all the happiness that encompasses you i.e. Grace, they will go out of their way to remove you from that happiness. Your weaknesses will be preyed upon. Once you recognize this you can easily distinguish these implanted thoughts from your own true thoughts.

Level with me, when you have these thoughts of ending it all, do you truly believe they are your own? Correct me if I am wrong, but you can feel they aren't your own can't you? You pretty much admit that fact from the quote above. You have the ability to overcome and be stronger than them, you already have it built in to do so because you have something they don't, LIFE!! Build upon that my friend. Tell them that you are no longer available for their manipulation.

Your daughter is just beautiful Shauny! You wouldn't want to miss her wide eyed wonder in discovering the world around her. She will bring much joy and love to you in the years to come. You sound like a wonderful man and the world needs more people like you.

Take one day at a time or one moment at a time. Go out and be in nature and breathe deeply. Watch an inspiring movie or read an inspiring book. Take time for yourself to do the things you'd like to do. Wishing you strength and courage to see your way through. Wishing you all the best now and always. You are stronger than you know.

Please always remember that once someone commits suicide, they can't change their mind. I know this seems silly and obvious but, please, think about this. There's no turning back. So, please think of your family and imagine your beautiful daughter coping with losing you this way for the rest of her long life. I can understand somewhat of where you're coming from. I was physically abused throughout childhood which led to my depression/anxiety disorder. On top of that, I used to get the most horrifying thoughts in my head to do something to terrible to myself or a loved one. I dealt with these thought for years and felt so shameful that I would think such terrible things. There was one particular psychologist that really helped me with this and I would like to share what has worked for me. Don't fight the thoughts. That's right, don't fight them. Sometimes we get wicked thoughts in our head and keep dwelling on them because of the horror and shame they bring. However, in dwelling on these thoughts, you're letting them set-up camp in your head. You can't help what pops into your head. You can help how you react to it. Accept the thought then begin thinking of something different, something positive. Do not feel shame in getting these thoughts. I know this seems too easy and elementary. But, it worked wonders for me. It took me awhile to but now I don't dwell on every crazy thought that enters my head, and I don't feel ashamed for even thinking it. My hope is that this can help you deal with your bad thoughts and stop feeling ashamed of them. It's very important though that you speak to a professional to see if there's something to help get your chemicals right in your head. That's the other part of my story. I was put on medication that has helped my chemical imbalance. It's important to get this done first. I know it helped me in being able to overcome the terrible thoughts that used to overcome my life. Please, Please remember that as bad as this is...it is temporary and suicide is forever. Please love yourself and your family enough to seek help. You are much too important to let this overtake you. The world would be even worse without someone who cares about so many things. The world needs you. God bless you.

ATS.

You have me in tears of happiness.

I thank you all.

Shaun

The problem is there is a lack of deep caring for our neighbors.

I used to think a lot about this when I was in my early teens. Why do we only care about our genetic family? We'll sacrifice anything really for their well being but what's the difference really. For all we know maybe we had family swapped at birth and that neighbor kid you despise is really your own kin.

Or like how if you're born with a good voice, good looks, you don't have to put forth any real effort in life to survive. That homeless beggar suddenly becomes worth keeping around because he's good looking? Is life really that trivial? People don't seem to understand some of these basic oddities. You might hate public money given out for any reason, want to deprive it from others, then you have a mom or dad that needs potentially millions of dollars of medical care over the years and then you demand they have it, when individually no one in your family would be able to pay for it. Hate everyone else until there's a time when you need everyone, niiice.

Egoism is rampant needless to say. But on the upside, its comforting to know that we also have our own egoism, our own evil, inside of us. At least it balances things rather than thinking everything bad is outside, we all got our own inside which is actually comforting if you think about it. Being "good" in an evil world would suck much more than being evil in an evil world. So OP and everyone in this thread is evil, yay!

[edit on 4-6-2010 by ghaleon12]

Here's my e mail Shaun: [email protected]


Shaun, deep inside of all of us is an amazing awareness and consciousness that shines brilliantly. We all share this consciousness, we are all droplets of the ocean that is all consciousness or God. That means that you, me, and all of us are brothers and sisters of eachother, in fact, it means we ARE one another. My strength is your strength, and your strength is my strength. We are a team that works together, all of us. Even when we think to ourselves "Well, as long as it doesn't happen to me, then I'm doing fine", we know the truth deep inside. You and I, even though we have never met in this physical existence, we know eachother inside and out deep down. We know that a brothers problem or sisters problem is our problem, and if the rest of the world would accept that, things will go alot smoother.

I do recommend professional help, but there are so many things you can do yourself to help your situation. In society we're taught to rely totally on our doctors and medication, that we avoid the fact that the true power is within ourselves. Doctors and medication work great, but unless your working towards the same goal, they only work for a while.

Shaun, what you need to realize right now is not only "A selfish action like this could hurt others for a very long time", but "A selfish action like this is robbing me of my full potential and robbing my innermost part of myself from fulfilling it's goal here". You see, we don't always know why we're here on earth and what we're supposed to do, but it's our job to figure it out and do those very things. To do so is not only a gift to those around us, but a gift to us, as life is not just a gift or a privilege, it's a challenge. If life isn't difficult for a person in one way or another, they either have no feeling or their living in an alternative reality. You see, it's not a man's pride or honor which is his greatest aspect, but his legacy.

One day we will all be looked back at and when that happens, good memories and amazing stories should be told. It is not only your teaching and guidance in your childrens and others lives which will send them off for success, but also the memories their left with after your teaching and guidance is done. The parents set the standard, the higher it is, the higher the children will reach and the greater their parents were in overcoming everything the world has to throw at them, the greater they to will be during your lifetime and after your gone. You are not only your children's father, but you are your grandchildrens grandfather, your great grandchildrens grandfather, your great grandchildrens great grandfather and so on. It's true, your only a father now, but your influence transcends time itself. The decisions you make and type of person you are now sets the standard for many generations into the future.

Not to scare you , but you have the ability to help bring wonderful people into the world and have those wonderful people do the same.. forever. Your family could be one of greatness and you could set the standard for the world and make it climb to reach it. It all begins with a choice right now between love and fear. With love, you will create love. With fear, you will create fear.

I am always available to you at my e mail, I am someone you can talk to. If you need to talk, e mail me. I love you and will listen if you need for me to.

The Protector

Nope, you DO NOT have a big heart as your title thread suggest.

In fact, you DON'T even have a heart AT ALL!

How dare you contemplate suicidal thoughts, when right before you, you have a family - wife and kids, whom love and care about you? Heart? You don't even begin to comprehend what 'heart' means.

All you care about is the emotional baggage that you carried out throughout your life. It fills you with hurt and pain, and that is all you ever care about.

It is such that you live for, became your comfort and solace, and your irresonsibility to others - to blind you to the fact that you have been hurt, thus it's your right to hurt others and share that pain. If they don't have such pain, then it is you to inflict it upon them.

Harsh words from perhaps. You need to wake up from the cycle of pain that you had only doomed yourself in, in order to start afresh with the precious gift of life bestowed upon you, to make full use of it, and spread the message of joy and love that you are fully capable of giving.

You read the news, watch the televison and get depress by the harm done by the world, and feel helpless, worthless that you cannot change anything. You are not the only one who feels such.

But do not EVER presume you can change the world alone. NO ONE alone can. You might have come across heroes who did, but if you studied them, you will realized that they NEVER did any change alone. It always began at the grassroot level. Only EVIL can be done alone. And you are definately not evil.

Change can only begin with you. If you truly have a 'big heart', then you must fill yourself first - loving yourself first, accepting your limits and allow yourself to discover your capabilities to do good and noble deeds to others around you that you may not realize yet.

You know what is evil, what is greed, what is racism, what is discrimination. You cannot change everyone, but you can change yourself and those around you to reject such notions. Let others be and do what they wrought for they will face the consequences in life later on. No one escapes from Retributions in life, NO ONE.

Let change begin with you, and then those around, those who care about you and love you. It is them that you must live, provide and protect them from this cruel world and cruel times we live in. Do whatever you can, and if you don't feel strong enough alone, seek help from others, share and care.

This will be the start of your recuperation from depression, but you must make that start, for good or bad truly begins from the wellsprings of your consciousness, that precious gift that had been given to you at birth.

You are a human, no lesser being, than anyone of us. You are one of us - human, whom had never given up on hope and life since mankind began.....

Life is great, but the problem is people are engulfed with ALL the bad news of the world minute by minute. I suggest you back away from it all and take care of what you truly can put your hands on in making a difference. The reality is all this crap that happens everyday really doesn't effect us in anyway but people put so much thought in to it all as if it does.

Take a deep breath and help and live within your community and forget about all the rest and you will have a great and happy life.

reply to post by shauny


The fact that you are struggling in the system should actually encourage you and keep you on your high moral path (current feelings aside). I think there is a quote that goes like "being healthy in a sick system is no measure of health". But you also have to recognize the good that is everywhere. It takes hard work to identify and sort through and create evil. To identify and create good, just go with the flow and let things happen. Good luck to you. Remember "this too shall pass".

Shaun, you feel like this because you see the world for what it is. It is ugly, cruel, and scary. Lots of people can be blamed for this.

BUT there are people with beautiful souls and beautiful minds, and those people want to make the world a better place. They want to give someone a smile, a hug, a laugh. They want to help the sick, feed the hungry, and deliver truth to those who swallow lies. Think of the people in your life with beautiful souls and beautiful minds, and know that these people are there for you and that they need you as well. Whether you have faith or not, know that I do and that I am asking God to help you through this.

Originally posted by SeekerofTruth101
Nope, you DO NOT have a big heart as your title thread suggest.

In fact, you DON'T even have a heart AT ALL!

How dare you contemplate suicidal thoughts, when right before you, you have a family - wife and kids, whom love and care about you? Heart? You don't even begin to comprehend what 'heart' means.

Its hard for someone so close to the edge, and feeling this OUTRAGOUS sence of selfishness to explain "why" I feel like this.

It is a very selfish place.
Already admitted this.

But posting here was a cry for help, and I got that help.
Even if it was a few words, it helped me at the time.

May I also thank the many to pm'd me.

Shaun..

May I ask something private..? what is your sun and moon sign..? your star sign talks a bout your outward personality while your moon sign talks about deep inside…

Feel free to U2U me if you like..!

reply to post by shauny


i feel very much for you in your pain.
there is much good advice and comfort from a lot of posters to you.
i think its ok to spend a bit of effort/comfort for ones self also. perhaps thats needed as well. treat yourself to a full body massage occasionally.

in my early years i found depression arriving on alternate days for some reason. a father that was not sensitive enough was 1 reason. but when i look back i see that he probably did his best. he had his own problems like 4 years as a prisoner of war. we all have our "bag" to carry. theres always a myriad of reasons that go back and back and who can find the cause.
the world is getting rougher every year and your wife and children need your support. i know whats its like to raise just 1 child alone.

now for the practical.

tension collects in various parts of the body depending on the individual; but the main point is the neck.
the 1st cervical is paramount. the 2nd almost as important and the rest of the spine contributes. see a competent adjuster/osteopath/chiropractor who precedes his treatment with adequate massage. remember its contracted muscles that hold vertebrae from their full range of movement. if they are not relaxed somewhat, adjustments are less effective. if vertebrae are restricted in their movement, it will compromise the integrity of the nervous system. if 1st cervical is the culprit, depression is definitely possible and likely. a normal functioning one will change the color of your day, i assure you. but include other therapies as black ops and others have suggested. cover all the angles.

what you can do personally for your greater enjoyment of the world is to consider that the real you is neither the body or the mind. if you look at your awareness over the years from your earliest memories or outlook, up until now, you will have to admit that it is still the same consciousness. all that has changed are the thoughts that you embrace. some are lasting, some have been replaced by others. what you liked once before you now have little or no interest in and visa versa. yes, the thoughts are very powerful sometimes, like depression, but they are a state of mind that we identify with. we are fooled into thinking that its us and suffer needlessly. maybe you can dwell on some other constant beautiful thought and the other will drop away from lack of attention.

well, i hope the above is of some assistance. i have almost 2 beautiful sons and would love a beautiful daughter such as you have. feel free to u2u me if you have any further queries.

reply to post by SeekerofTruth101
My old Drill Sgt. couldn't have said it more sternly, geeze.

Originally posted by KrispyB
reply to post by SeekerofTruth101

 

My old Drill Sgt. couldn't have said it more sternly, geeze.

Yes it was stern and to the point.
But sadly we aint all hardened soldiers that can develop "balls" at the drop of a hat.

Brain chemistry is the key here.
There is an imbalance happening, and it is causing these "thoughts" and my depressions.

I would have to be a soldier to understand what it is like to be a soldier.
Other who have not experienced brain chemical imbalance cant comment if they havnt been through it.

I admited I was selfish, and I am.
But this isnt a condition I can cope with alone.
I need help. I am now getting/seeking help.
By posting this thread, I have opened my soul up to the world.

And I thank all you ATS'rs who responded in kind.
Its human nature, some will feel for you, some will make you feel bad/worse about yourself.

I have taken every piece of advice I have read here and taken it on board.
Maybe posting this here has saved my life.

Again, this isnt what I want to be, its what I am.
I once had a chat with a mental health expert a while back.
She told me having this condition is not something I can stop myself.

I am opening myself up on a public forum in the hope for some help.
I got it.



[edit on 5/6/2010 by shauny]

[edit on 5/6/2010 by shauny]

reply to post by shauny


Thanks for your reply. You are most definately on the way to your recuperation. Just don't give up, and take courage. You are not alone and never will be, as we bravely toughen ourselves up for what is to come, and to leave no one behind. It takes more courage to live than to give up.

Cheers and good luck! :-)

reply to post by shauny


OMG your daughter is so beautiful !!! God bless her.

I'm a little late for this thread, I hope that you are feeling better since you posted it.


Don't let yourself give in to those feelings, she needs you so much, so do your other children, I grew up without a father, it's really hard on a kid. Please don't do that to your kids, or your wife. Don't do it to yourself, you will miss out on so much.


My cousin committed suicide, it was one of the worst things I have ever experienced. I can't tell you how much it hurts the ones that love you.

I've struggled with depression on and off for a long time. It's hard, but you can work through it.

I've found that exercise does help to fight off depression, you may not believe it, but it does. It releases endorphines which elevate your mood. Taking walks also helps me, and sitting out back just watching the breeze rustle the trees, or sitting at the lake listening & watching the water. Listen to some upbeat music that you like, it helps. Take time for yourself, eveyone needs some me time, force yourself to start making time for only you. Even if it's only 30 minutes a day, it helps.

I'm not advocating that you don't seek medical help, but that you do whatever you can do on your own to help yourself also. St John's Wort is helpful in fighting depression, it's an herb, but you must take it according to the directions. However don't take it if the doctors have you on medication, unless you get their approval first. And if you do try it and the doctors decide to give you any meds, you have to tell them that you are taking it.

Make that beautiful little girl laugh every day, her laughter will help you through anything. When I had my sons it made me so much stronger, I knew they needed me. I wouldn't have missed them growing up for anything. There was nothing better than when they would come up to me giving me kisses and hugs telling me that they loved me. They have both grown into fine men, and let me tell you it was great to see my youngest get married two years ago. And now I have two grandchildren from my oldest son, and they bring me much happiness. I love them both to death. I never had a daughter, but I now have the joy of a granddaughter, and she brings me much joy, she is a beautiful, loving little girl. Believe me you do not want to miss out on any of that.

And your beautiful little girl needs her daddy to walk her down the aisle some day, and pay for the wedding


I like to think we are one big family here at ATS, sure we have our little squables, but we all have something in common and seem to pull together when need be. Sometimes, I'm on here all day, and sometimes I'm off for days on end. You feel free to U2U me anytime you want, if you need to talk.

I hope things start looking brighter for you, and I will be including you in my prayers.

reply to post by shauny


Your wife, your child, the children you work with... they are your salvation. They are your comfort and your healing. They give you purpose when you can't seem to find it on your own. They love you! For every person you help you receive help. They are your gift and your blessing. As you were placed into their lives for a reason, they were placed into your life for a reason as well.

I understand that early life scarred your view, but allow the healing to take place that being of service to others offers.

I think you are a wonderful person to help others while you cry for help yourself. That takes courage, and a strength you might not have known you possess. Even the act of writing this has brought some healing. Feel it.