Depersonalization/derealization disorder: Do you Have it, and maybe not know it?

In college I felt exactly as you described. Out of body. Watching myself. Pushing my limbs through the motions as if I was somebody manipulating the strings of a puppet from up above it. I saw myself down below, my life moving by, but I wasn't there. I was outside of it.

Whenever I smiled, it was like I mailed an envelope down to my body with a letter in it that said "smile." When I spoke to people, when I worked, every interaction was like watching something on television, and I was a script writer giving the actor known as "me" more lines of script.

I looked forward to nothing. I had no ambitions or plans. I didn't go out. I didn't date. I just worked and pushed myself through school.

It seemed to continue that way forever. I just looked around at the world and saw nothing with any meaning or purpose. I felt like I wasn't even alive... like some disembodied consciousness witnessing a really really boring drama on a black-and-white television with only 1 set that the cast acted on, but none of the actors were even real. Just cut-outs or puppets.

It wasn't until I finally sought the help of a psychologist on campus that I dug up a lot of stuff in the past that I had forced out of my mind. My father leaving when I was a kid. My mom's alcoholism and the loneliness and fear I felt as she alternated between ignoring me or being verbally abusive.

I felt loneliness, hopelessness, and such a lack of attention and love from ages 12-18 that by the time I got to college I was living outside myself, I suppose as some kind of psychological defense mechanism.

I never used any drugs, because I didn't want the "resume" of who I was as a person to ever show any such weakness or dispositions. I just managed my experience by unconsciously choosing not to feel anything at all.

I don't know how I maintained my GPA. I just don't know how I did it, but I think I was motivated by the idea that if I didn't get good grades and a good job, nobody would ever love me. So I spent years trying to do just that. I didn't have a single friend, date, or phone call all that time.

It was a living hell.



[edit on 28-5-2010 by 30_seconds]

reply to post by Wookiep


Yeah i have the same thing, You have described How i feel very well, when i find it very hard to explain to people how i feel. I believe it is something to do with serotonin and dopamine levels in your brain.
Of course when you smoke cannabis, you get the feeling, and when this happens, the dopamine and serotonin levels unbalance causing this.
I think that it can become unbalanced because of trauma, or it can naturally occur in a person anyway.
I hate the feeling too, and I cannot stand Cannabis, even though a lot of my friends smoke.
It led me to think, Perhaps there is a link to diet? Ive been researching fluoridation of the water supply recently, and how it can affects ones mind? I'm sure it is very possible that the food we eat, the water we drink, the drugs we are given by doctors, could very well be deliberately used to create this feeling in people and to make reality seem unreal, creating an uncaring, desensitized population. Sounds far fetched, But just some things that went through my mind reading this thread. Good OP. Thanks for sharing.

reply to post by Wookiep


Thank you for sharing you're story! And thank you for giving me a "diagnose"

Have had some of those symptoms lately. E.g I know where I am, but I still feel "lost and dreamy". Sort of like a panicattack (which I had problems with many years ago) but still not a panicattack. I can still function and do my work and so on, even if it feels uncomfortable I go against it (as was the way the way I came over those darn panicattacks). Or maybe my symptoms just is a panicattack, but not as severe as it were for some years ago.

It can go days without me noticing any of the symptoms or "weird" feelings, is that also a part of this derealization thing?

Just trying to understand what's going on in my head. I'm pretty sure that I'm not going crazy and that it's nothing "dangerous" to worry about. What's weird about it is why is coming now, since this last year+ a few months have been the best year of my life.

Well, the text got longer than I anticipated and hopefully it makes some sense The main thought of this was to thank the OP for the story and that I got a feeling of what it might be, which probably will make my symptoms even weaker. Atleast I feel better just by reading it THanks!


EDIT: S+F ofc!

//Azmodan

reply to post by Wookiep


From what you described, it seems like you submerged your conscious mind into your subconscious. I am not sure what exactly causes this, but it seems most likely to be a form of coping mechanism. Since any emotional damage taken in such a state would be absorbed by your subconscious mind.

The main downside is that while in such a state, it is easy for others to take advantage of you. As in essence of it all, your submerging your conscious into your subconscious. It is a mild form of self hypnosis.Like your going into a kind of hypnotic trance.

You can dwell on the time you lost, but all you will find is either tears or rage, and sometimes both. Look at what you have, and step forward. Keep moving forward and never yield for an instant.

The only mechanisms to remain free is through self reflection and meditation of some sort. But the big one is self reflection. Aside from that focus on developing a sense of will.

DP/DR Are temporary conditions and cannot exist without anxiety. this is a self preservation mechanism which removes you from a situation i.e coming face to face with a lion.

if you disable the core anxiety the DR and DP cannot exist.

www.youtube.com...

After all of these years, this old demon has reared it's ugly head again. I took a 24hr allergy pill a couple days ago.. I created a thread about it Here . That stupid pill was a trigger. Now, even though the pill effects are gone, all of those past feelings are back.

I had a hard day at work today, just trying to focus on my existence. But it's all clouded and choppy again, had to stave off several panic attacks. *sigh* I don't think anyone else but me truly knows the torture of this crap. Dammit!

I expect to hear the sound of crickets on this one. Anyone? That's the really #ty part about it.

a reply to: Wookiep
I wish I would have seen this thread when you originally posted. I have dealt with this. I know more about it now, then I did when you first posted, and I could have used that information back then.

Anyways yes, I have dealt with this. It is horrible. You fail to mention whether or not you experienced trauma, but I am guessing you have. I wish I had advice to offer. The only thing I can really suggest is having an object that you carry with you that helps you ground yourself. If you saw the movie inception, it is sort of like that.

a reply to: calstorm

Thanks Calstorm, I appreciate more than you know, just your simple response and understanding. It seems nearly a pointless task sometimes to even try to get people to understand.

Yeah there was some trauma, it's really mix of a whole bunch of things. I have read before that this is pretty common in depersonalization/derealization. I went in to a little detail in the OP about some, but no more than what was needed.


THIS -

The only thing I can really suggest is having an object that you carry with you that helps you ground yourself

That makes all of the sense in the world to me. What a great description of what is necessary to combat this crap! I just now need to figure out (again) which object to carry, and how, with authority to rid this once and for all. I need to focus on something which will ground me again. I have battled this and defeated it before. It scares me again now, but I won once, and I will win again.

Sometimes hearing from those who understand this hell, can make all the difference in the world. I appreciate your response very much my friend.