Dating someone who is HIV + while being -

reply to post by baphomet420


Are you saying the poster is daft for not having slept with him? Is there a problem with waiting for longer than 8 dates? Sounds pretty solid to me.

[edit on 3-4-2010 by InvisibleAlbatross]

Originally posted by InvisibleAlbatross
reply to post by baphomet420

 

Are you saying the poster is daft for not having slept with him? Is there a problem with waiting for longer than 8 dates? Sounds pretty solid to me.

[edit on 3-4-2010 by InvisibleAlbatross]

you read way too much into things...
did I say anything like that???
the OP did not mentioned if she had slept with him or not...
a two day date, in my experience includes penetration..
i was asking for clarification there...

you all are basically telling this girl to mess up her life over "feelings"...
and YES, that is in short what HIV does, it messes up your life...

i am just saying, think about it... use your brain...
8 dates is not "love" it is infatuation.

I agree with the poster who said you should wait to have a physical relationship.

You mentioned that the date lasted a couple of days, so I am going to assume you are past that point, hence you are second guessing your decision now?

Following you heart is great thought, but ofcourse there is the reality of it all. Do you have kids? Becuase if you do, your first prority should be to them. Do you want kids? A responsible person would not have them if it meant they would be born with HIV.

I think the fact that you are coming onto a message board to ask for advice in the first place says a lot. It tells me that you are not so sure what your heart (or brain) are telling you. Because of that, I would suggest that you take a BIG step back. You should have a very honest and frank discussion with him. I would NOT continue with a physical relationship if he is not cimitted to it. Secondly, I think that if you believe you are in love with this person, you obviously need to get to know them better before risking your life to be with them, because that is what you are doing. Do you really know someone well enough after 8 dates to risk your life just for the sake of having sex with them? I know it wouldn't be enough for me.

[edit on 3-4-2010 by westcoast]

reply to post by hautmess


Dear hautmess

I am sorry that you have found yourself in this place to begin with.

Love real love is not easy to find in the first place so you need to examine the situation very carefully right now while the relationship is still young. HIV is a real nasty way to go for many people.

I say do it now because it will get harder in the future to brake up if that is then what you decide.

Just replying to a few things that have already been said.

Do not consider how hard it will be to walk away now, because however hard that may be it will be much harder in the future.

You can have kids with this man, it may not be by the natural method but it is possible and safe. Look it up.

Relationships are hard in healthy people with one partner having HIV it makes it much harder.

It is said that as a woman you are ten times more likely to contract HIV from an infected male than the other way around.

As has been said he sounds like a good guy who told you he was infected, I do hope that was before you had sex together.

It will be hard as I said but you may decide it is worth it, good luck and if you need any further advice do get back to me.

I have currently been volunteering at an AIDS hospice for about four years now.

To counter what you hear all the time now about the "life long illness" thing - I've known several people with HIV.

And more than half of them are dead. Including the one that contracted it about 8 years ago.

They were all young, relatively fit men. I hear that "life long illness" thing quite a bit and yet the people I know with HIV keep developing AIDS and then they die.

I don't know you. Your decisions are yours.

Do you know if you could live through a really messy drawn out death?

What if that death was YOURS? Careful isn't armour.

I don't know if you have children. I would suggest that if you do, and they are not adults, you don't have the right to take that sort of risk.

I do not know if you are male or female. If you are female - what if you don't catch it but do get pregnant? Are you willing to raise a child with a father you know is likely to die? Could you deal with having to bring up a baby and do palliative care for your partner?

What if you ended up with both? You thought you were careful, but it turned out you were not careful enough....AND you got pregnant.

Not knowing this doesn't mean that this things won't happen to a person. But there is a distinct difference between something happening and CHOOSING something to happen to you. You need to be really clear about that.

reply to post by Aeons


What does it all matter.

What if. What if. What if you got run over by a bus tomorow ?
Huh ? Is it worth to ignore love.

I speak from experience.

16 years ago I met a guy. Fell in love. He told me right from the start that he was HIV positive. We moved in together. We were always careful having sex. After 7 years his HIV went into AIDS. He quit his bike messenger gig. He also had liver disease that he had had for a long time. He did real good for about 6 years. Then he got so sick of being sick and sick of all the meds he had to take each and every day that he just gave up. It was his choice. The last year of his life I took care of him. It was the first time I had ever looked death in the face. It was terribly hard but I got through it and I know it made me stronger. He passed away on Christmas Day 2006 and I have been alone ever since. But I wouldn't have traded that time with him for anything.

Just know this. If you love someone you can get thru anything as long as you are together. But just mentally prepare yourself for the future. I did and am a better person for that.

You will do what's right for you. Advice is good but don't let public opinion sway you. Follow your heart and mind and have a great life!

reply to post by Sinter Klaas


There is a difference between

I could get run over by a bus by accident

AND

I know that standing exactly here I stand an excellent chance of being hit by a bus - but for someone else's convenience I choose to stand here and learn to love the bus that is going to hit me.

reply to post by InvisibleAlbatross


Dear Aeons

I am sorry but I have to counter some of the things you have said.

First length of life it is possible to live a considerable length of time after contracting HIV even after coming back to HIV positive after reaching the AIDS stage.

At the center where I work we have the oldest person in Asia to have contracted HIV at birth and she is going on strong and will be 23 years old this summer.

However it takes two things first is the ARV medication and taking it on time every time without mistake.

The second and just as important is life style. It has to be a health one with exercise and no alcohol.

In a normal family relationship there is no worry about current children so that is not an issue.

Any father of your child can be hit by a bus and with good medication and lifestyle he can live into the foreseeable future so this should not be an issue.

reply to post by berkeleygal


That, was inspiring, I was moved by that, even if in the fleeting moment of a passing post in a thread. None the less, you are a good person, and we'll meet on the other side and recount this. Be safe! Until then

@hautmess

I dated a person last year who is HIV+ and I too questioned the safety vs. love issue: Do I follow my head or my heart?

I was very much in love with this person, however, ultimately I decided to end the relationship, because my fear got the better of me, and I do regret that I wasn't able to be more 'evolved' and accepting, and put my own fears aside for the sake of love.

If you decide to continue with the relationship, do lots of research. As with any STD, find out about using protection – condoms always – and there are options, such as PEP, should safe practice falter. Also expand your social circle to include "sero-discordant" couples. Socialising with other people in the same situation as yourself will give you the support and advice you can call upon as you need it. And look after yourself also. Eat well and keep healthy.

If you decide that being in a relationship with a person who is HIV+ is too big of a step for you, then there's nothing wrong with that. You can still be a good friend to this person.

All the best.

I wasn't going to post this but I would stay far away! Be his friend if you can but by all means don't date him. Sure you can be careful, but thats not fun! Always being so careful then one little tiny slip up and bam you are HIV positive, and accidents do happen. Not worth the risk to your would be children either. Maybe people with HIV should only date other people with HIV, its sad but its life at the moment since the cures have been surpressed I sure hope you were not physical before he told you!!

if you are worried about your health then step away. that's what your heart is trying to tell you.

reply to post by MAC269


And yet, of the people I know who contracted HIV, half of them are dead. I live in a modern society with public health care. But they still die. Sometimes in a few short years.

Thankyou guys for the unexpected overwhelming support and sharing and researchign of information, it makes me emotional seeing that so many people have responded.

reply to post by Sinter Klaas


Sinter Klaas, I don't think this is really the place to post ridiculous propaganda articles and videos. Have a little class.

[edit on 4/4/2010 by VneZonyDostupa]

reply to post by baphomet420


HIV is no longer a death sentence, but it does last for life. Relationships come and go. People often meet somebody they think is their soulmate, only to find out a few weeks or months later that things did not quite work out. IT would be awful if you contracted HIV just so you could be with a person that ended up being just another guy you dated.

My advice to this person is to continue to pursue the relationship, but do not have sex until marriage. Normally holding off on sex until marriage is not reasonable, but this case warrants an exception. If you are truly in love, this should not be an issue.

If you decide that being in a relationship with a person who is HIV+ is too big of a step for you, then there's nothing wrong with that. You can still be a good friend to this person.

All the best.

I just felt the need to re-iterate this point. It's important.

There are times when considering yourself first is necessary and one should never feel guilty about that... This is one of those times, in my opinion.

Whichever way you go. Make sure that you give yourself the time and space to make the decision that is right for you.



[edit on 4-4-2010 by LadySkadi]

reply to post by VneZonyDostupa


Why not ?

I've opened a thread about it and so far nobody debunked anything yet.
There are always two sides of a story. But please you are welcome to debunk it. I would prefer it actualy.

If what seems to be a conspiracy is in existence. is not part of an ATS question about the subject. Then what are we doing here anyway.

edit.
For class you are in the wrong place.
Proof this ridiculous propaganda wrong before you call it so.



[edit on 4-4-2010 by Sinter Klaas]

reply to post by Sinter Klaas


Please link me to your thread and I will be glad to debunk it.