In love, wondering if I did the right thing?

Howdy again, hope everyone is having a good week!

Let me start from the beginning...

A couple of years ago, I met this guy through a friend. We hung out a couple of times, and during those times we hung out, he talked about how he was "playing" two girls against each other and really just talked about this one girl (the one I've grown fond of) with basically no respect.

I don't know this guy good enough to tell you if he's like that all the time, but last weekend I broke down and told two of my friends that I'm in love with this guy's girlfriend.

They both told me that this guy is an ass. One even went as far to say, "He's ruining her..." Obviously he's really jealous and likes to play mind games.

So basically, they both said "go for it".

I did, but in a way to sorta "ease" myself in there.

I went the chickens way out and sent her an email as a "secret admirer". I just told her that we've only met a few times and exchanged "hello's". I also told her that I thought she was the prettiest girl I've ever seen and that each time we bump into each other, I grow weak in the knees and that she's a special girl.

I see her often around town, and when she'll smile to me and I'll smile back. Or we say hello to each other. But I know what kind of girl she is, her and I have the same friend circle and they all say the same thing. "Kind, caring, giving and affectionate". Vastly different from the girls I've been with.

Do you all think I've handled this good enough, or should I have been more "up front"? What's your thoughts?

I just think she's a very special and sweet girl and deserves better then this joker.

Thanks and peace.

FK

I don't think you should have bothered at all.
Definately not in e-mail form anyways.
If she is willing to leave someone for you then she will be willing to leave you for someone else is the rule I use.Loyalty is important to me.
Also the fact she is attracted to the emotional blackmailer and mindgames is also a red flag to me.I view it as an insecure person.Either that or she has no clue of the games being played.If that is the case then just let it play out naturally.She could resent you for pointing it out if you do and you might be pushing her into the guys arms even more.Its her battle to fight and adding a third person to the mix can get ugly very quickly.
Even if she did leave the guy for you then who will she leave you for??


Me myself I wouldn't even bother but in your case I would just wait until she is single...you might provoke the jealous guy to come after you as well.
I would ease myself out of the situation.

reply to post by Frontkjemper


I think you should just go for it all. I've always learned that if you want something then you should go get it. If you like her that much then ask her out. Your friends are on your side and if she is indeed that special then make it a special occasion to get her to notice you. Have a plan ready. When you ask her out make sure you know where you're going and what she likes to do. Just Wow her with you and if she likes you like you like her then a new and wonderful relationship is born. If it doesn't work out at least you tried and know the answer. I'd say you're doing fine, but now that you have her attention with the email just take the next step.

Originally posted by DrumsRfun
If she is willing to leave someone for you then she will be willing to leave you for someone else is the rule I use.

Which I totally agree with you on, but in case you missed it, she's with a really crappy guy.

Originally posted by Solarskye
I'd say you're doing fine, but now that you have her attention with the email just take the next step.

Thanks for that, I'll see what she says first and go from there. (No reply yet, will update as soon as I get one.)

Peace,
FK

Be Bold. If you think she's worth it, go for it. Don't pussyfoot around with some anonymous email bs, just talk to her.

For every girl, if any older than 12, who might find the anon approach "romantic" there'll be 10 who think it creepy and stalkerish. You even called it the chicken's way out.

Girls want to be wanted. And they want someone who has the stones to make the effort. How do you think the jerk got her?

"Faint heart never won fair lady".

reply to post by Frontkjemper


So what happens if she meets a guy who says you are the crappy guy??
If she leaves him for you saying hes a jerk then what happens when someone says that of you?
See the problem?
She has to learn it on her own accord.
I didn't forget about the statement that he was destroying her either and I think if SHE chose it then SHE is doing it to herself.You can't make choices for her and neither can the other guy.
Its not your place to interfere like it wouldn't be someone elses place to interfere if you were the one she was with.
Think about that for a sec.
Let it play out on its own and allow time to be your friend.
If its meant to be then it will be...be patient.
I know its not what you want to hear but its the best I can offer.
Good luck.

My man, gotta give some respect to the old school "secret admirer", but i have to agree that she will respect you alont if you have the testicular fortitude to talk to her in person.

I dis-agree with the if she leaves him she'll leave you theory. Sometime when people are in relationships they get somewhat "stuck", its not good enough that they are happy, but tis not bad enough that they are willing to leave the security that is the relationship.

Most importantly DO NOT TELL HER YOU LOVE OR HAVE LOVING FEELINGS FOR HER. Heres why and i think you'll agree, put yourself in her shoes, lets say you know her somewhat well you definatly do not know alot of her secrets, her in-securities, her annoyances, and she has not opened up to you the way in which she would open up to you if you were in a relationship. So if you told her you loved her its an automatic flag proclaiming you dont actualyl love HER you love the concept of her, or you love the way she looks, because if she hasnt told you all abotu herself you cant love her. Love is complete and full a wise person once said "I know she loves me, because she knows the absolute worst things about me and she doesnt hold them against me."

Bottom line is if you feel that passionatly for this woman you have to take a chance and go talk to her and tell her. If there is anything worth taking a chance on its this, i gurantee you the worst case scenario in your head is not the reality of how it will be. Absolute worst case scenario youve got yourself an akward conversation followed by another akward run in followe dby getting back to normal. Take the shot my friend!!!

reply to post by DrumsRfun


I completely disagree. He has a thing for her. Whatever relationship she has with the current jerk, since they don't appear to be married or engaged, is irrelevant. Don't overthink the what if's or you'll experience the paralysis of analysis.

This is a love, or at least infatuation deal, not a lawnmower purchase. Hitch up your trou and make a damn statement.

When you go fishing do you stand on the bank with a wicker creel and hope a fish jumps in it? If there's something you want, make a move. Or stand around and pine about it. Your choice.

Let's say for the sake of argument he gets her and it doesn't work out. So what? Start over. At least maybe you'll have some laughs in the meantime and if nothing else, you won't spend any time fretting about one that got away for lack of effort.

Love is a battlefield. Patience is for suckers.

[Edit to add]

What hack said ^^^^ Good point on the love thing. Don't even go there.

[edit on 12/16/09 by MrDesolate]

reply to post by MrDesolate


I agree with MR on this one. If it doesnt work out what you gain is the tools to know how to react when the right one does come along. Just liek dating, ive been through some horrible dates and dates i knew didnt have a shot as soon as i opened the door, but i treated them just as i would nay other date, because one day the right one will come along and i will have the ability to know what to do.
Why do you think experience is such a factor in the playoffs? Players know how they will react to the pressure, it doesnt go away the pressure, but how you handle and react to it does.

While I can agree with what you're saying, I'm not a crappy guy.

He's used other girls to play her emotionally +++. I know the guy well enough to know what he's like.

He'll spend the entire time spent with us telling us what he'd get her to do etc. I'm nothing like that.

I'm not perfect, but at least I'm not an ass.

As I said, if her response is warm, I'll let her know who I am. If it's cold, I'll tell her I'm sorry for wasting her time.

Thanks for everyone's input though, I appreciate it. One thing I should also mention is that my self esteem isn't that great. My ex was able to take what I had and I've still not been able to build it up again. One of the reasons I chose the email route.

Peace,
FK

IMO self esteem is found during excercise, when im feeling low i workout brings me back instantly. I cant sell fire to an Aboriginal if im not feeling the esteem, and one sure way to get it is excercise make yourslef all sexyyyy hahahahah playin but seriously excercise.

Okay I'm not trying to badger you here, but I do know what I'm talking about. Feel free to tell me to take a leap, however. It won't hurt my feelings.

Originally posted by Frontkjemper
As I said, if her response is warm, I'll let her know who I am. If it's cold, I'll tell her I'm sorry for wasting her time.

You're on the road to a self-fulfilling prophecy. She won't be rejecting, or acting coldly to you, but to an anonymous whatever that could be from any sicko. Bold, man, I can't emphasize it enough. Even if you aren't. If this is something worth pursuing, go all-in.

One thing I should also mention is that my self esteem isn't that great.

That's valuable info. Listen to me here, this is important. IT DOESN'T MATTER, unless you let it matter. Act as though you're confident and ultimately YOU WILL BE. Sorry for the all caps, but you need to know this and believe it.

Fortune favors the bold. You can't steal second with a foot on first. And other sports euphemisms (which are all true, by the way, like you won't score 100% of the time you don't take a shot).

She's going to judge you, hell yes she is, and your best chance is to come across as a confident and bold man. Not a play-it-safe-don't-hurt-my-feelings guy.

Fact: The more confidently you act, the more confident you will become. Is it easy? No, if it was there wouldn't be so many losers. All it takes is the will and determination. Nothing worthwhile is easy, but it's more than doable. And if I thought you were a crappy guy, I wouldn't waste my time.

It's up to you, Just Do It.

Good luck.

This one is easy, you should approach her, not forcably or it will freak her out... Look her in the eyes and say;

"I think you are easily the most beautifull girl I have ever met... I think about you all the time, and when im around you i cant breathe... I know you are with someone, but i had to say something, its driving me crazy... You're amazing..."

And leave it at that!! Walk away, very cooly and calmly.. She will be stood there breathless, and you would have made your feelings known and PLANTED A SEED, that trust me, it will grow!! She will be thinking about that, laying in bed.. It may even open her eyes to who she is with, and she may start arguements with her boyfriend... And when you see her around town, just make yourself visable for her to see, and just smile... Its a waiting game for sure, but she will come to you.... I know... A guy did that to me lol, i couldnt sleep for days lol, i had to see him, and went to his house, and the rest is history... ****SIGH****.... Its a shame it didnt work out..... But it could for you... Faint heart never won fair maiden... It takes courage in this life to get what you want... Go for it!!! And let us know what happened!! Thats a must lol x

[edit on 073131p://f08Wednesday by Selahobed]

I'm with Mr. Desolate on this one. If she's attracted to jerks, she's attracted to confidence, and the secret admirer thing isn't likely to get her attention (if it was, she'd have responded asap).... As long as there's no committed relationship there (i.e. kids, engagement, marriage, living together), I'd say go for it.... Worst that can happen is she says no.... Then at least you have your answer, and can move on...or, she says yes, and you two try it out....