The Growing Backlash Against Overparenting

An article from time magazine, I was reading today and it brought up a lot of my own thoughts on the subject.

Here's a tidbit:

The insanity crept up on us slowly; we just wanted what was best for our kids. We bought macrobiotic cupcakes and hypoallergenic socks, hired tutors to correct a 5-year-old's "pencil-holding deficiency," hooked up broadband connections in the treehouse but took down the swing set after the second skinned knee. We hovered over every school, playground and practice field — "helicopter parents," teachers christened us, a phenomenon that spread to parents of all ages, races and regions. Stores began marketing stove-knob covers and "Kinderkords" (also known as leashes; they allow "three full feet of freedom for both you and your child") and Baby Kneepads (as if babies don't come prepadded). The mayor of a Connecticut town agreed to chop down three hickory trees on one block after a woman worried that a stray nut might drop into her new swimming pool, where her nut-allergic grandson occasionally swam. A Texas school required parents wanting to help with the second-grade holiday party to have a background check first. Schools auctioned off the right to cut the carpool line and drop a child directly in front of the building — a spot that in other settings is known as handicapped parking.

We were so obsessed with our kids' success that parenting turned into a form of product development. Parents demanded that nursery schools offer Mandarin, since it's never too soon to prepare for the competition of a global economy. High school teachers received irate text messages from parents protesting an exam grade before class was even over; college deans described freshmen as "crispies," who arrived at college already burned out, and "teacups," who seemed ready to break at the tiniest stress.

This is what parenting had come to look like at the dawn of the 21st century — just one more extravagance, the Bubble Wrap waiting to burst.

All great rebellions are born of private acts of civil disobedience that inspire rebel bands to plot together. And so there is now a new revolution under way, one aimed at rolling back the almost comical overprotectiveness and overinvestment of moms and dads. The insurgency goes by many names — slow parenting, simplicity parenting, free-range parenting — but the message is the same: Less is more; hovering is dangerous; failure is fruitful. You really want your children to succeed? Learn when to leave them alone. When you lighten up, they'll fly higher. We're often the ones who hold them down.

Read the rest of the article here.

It's a pretty long article, but goes through how our nation became the Bubble Wrap nation, where all children aren't allowed to fall down, schools have "social" promotion instead of failure and how we aren't preparing them to live in the real world.

There are also some specific quotes from the article which caught my attention.

Fear is a kind of parenting fungus: invisible, insidious, perfectly designed to decompose your peace of mind. Fear of physical danger is at least subject to rational argument; fear of failure is harder to hose down.

This is very true. As a parent I use to constantly worry about my daughter and how she would do in school, among her peers even among other adults. I later came to the realization that there was no point in worrying as she would make her own way, and those who did not agree would simply need to move on.

Other studies reinforce the importance of play as an essential protein in a child's emotional diet; were it not, argue some scientists, it would not have persisted across species and millenniums, perhaps as a way to practice for adulthood, to build leadership, sociability, flexibility, resilience — even as a means of literally shaping the brain and its pathways.

This is also very true, playing is extremely important for any deveopping child. To actually spend time with your child is what I think has been missing these past few decades.

Parents who are willing to go out of their way to protect their children from harm, yet won't for even an hour go outside and play tag or hide and seek with their children.

In any case, I found it to be a very well written and well thought out article to really make parents think of the kind of environment their children are living in, and how to make it more productive and less "safe" for their benefit.

Thoughts?

~Keeper

Helicopters parents are a plague. It's because of them that the state can claim rights over everything in the name of the children...

Crazy parents wanting to oppress everyone else because of their children.

They protect them from every stupid things but when it comes to real dangerous things, they don't care. Like giving them healthy food, studying which vaccines are safes or those that are not, teaching them about sex education so they know what's up in the real world...

Anyway, LEAVE KIDS ALONE, they NEED to be kids or they'll end up like Michael Jackson or like the British who bow down to fascist demands of the state every time.

British people, want to be free again? Stop being helicopter parents and your kids will stand up against the nanny state.

[edit on 21-11-2009 by Vitchilo]

Mod edit: profanity

[edit on 21-11-2009 by Byrd]

Originally posted by Vitchilo
Helicopters parents are a plague. It's because of them that the state can claim rights over everything in the name of the children...

Crazy parents wanting to oppress everyone else because of their crotchfruit.

They protect them from every stupid things but when it comes to real dangerous things, they don't care. Like giving them healthy food, studying which vaccines are safes or those that are not, teaching them about sex education so they know what's up in the real world...

Anyway, LEAVE KIDS ALONE, they NEED to be kids or they'll end up like Michael Jackson or pussies like the British who bow down to fascist demands of the state every time.

British people, want to be free again? Stop being helicopter parents and your kids will grow balls to stand up against the nanny state.

[edit on 21-11-2009 by Vitchilo]

Well apart from the bashing of the brits, I have to agree with your about helicopter parents. They arne't helping anything. Simply creating another generation of "good follow" citizens who cant' think for themselves or know how to take risks for fear of being hurt, or dissapointed.

Thanks for the input.

~Keeper

Some parents might be overprotective for other reasons, like they don't want any pedophiles that the PTB lets run around on purpose to kidnap their kids.

I think lots will let their hair down the minute a pedophile's head is on a stake in front of city hall.

Very nice post!

So true.My sons are grown now,23 and 26-but I remember too worrying if I were going to do something to 'emotionally destroy' or hamper my child in one way or another.I tried to do everything right.....that lasted for about...5 years.There comes a time when I had to face the fact that I was only human,well,that and the fact that I was going through a divorce and basically screwing them up for life anyway.

I took the boys to a shrink as soon as I filed the divorce papers-lol-because I was certain I was ruining their lives,but as it turned out things were better,smoother,more relaxed in the house.

We didn't need all the structure or color coded closets that daddy insisted on after all.Popcorn Friday night movies (in house) and late night shopping Saturday nights (just for fun)..Sunday at the park to feed the ducks were really cheap things we could do,the three of us,and without all the worry and stress everything became so much easier,more relaxed,and HAPPIER.

Their grades actually picked up whenever I decided to quit micromanaging and measuring 'ours' against 'theirs',and worrying if I were doing it right.

The best way to tell if you are doing 'it' right is to listen to your kids when they talk.They tell you everything,if you only listen.



[edit on 21-11-2009 by RobinB022]

Originally posted by star in a jar
Some parents might be overprotective for other reasons, like they don't want any pedophiles that the PTB lets run around on purpose to kidnap their kids.

I think lots will let their hair down the minute a pedophile's head is on a stake in front of city hall.

I think that's a little harsh my friend. It's not like you can really pick them out of a crowd now can you?

And understandably it is problem and I am not saying they should roam free without us looking for signs of danger, however, I could say the same about rabit dogs.

We live in a society of fear. If it isn't the terrorists, those damn sex offenders will get you, if not, it will be the domestic terrorists, if not them the illegal immigrants.

Besides, this article was more about parents who don't allow their children to make mistakes or skin their knees in order to learn some responsibilty and resiliance.

~Keeper

I miss the good ole days when a twelve year old had a pocket knife, a .22 rifle and a dog that could find hidden playboys, cigarettes and beer.

You think I'm joking?

There were no computers. There were no video games. There were no cell phones. Twelve year old girls were built like twelve year old boys because there were no hormones in the food. Parents kicked us out of the house at first light (or before if it was summer) and we had until dinnertime to do whatever we wanted to do.

We very rarely got murdered,kidnapped or molested. We didn't get into trouble very often and if we did it was worth it. We knew how to make our own money by working, mowing lawns, splitting firewood-pretty strenuous but they never had enough split wood, collecting bottles was actually pretty lucrative at the time as well.

We were pretty good at catching snakes ( to scare girls with) and knowing which ones were poisonous. We could fish, hunt and forage. We had hideouts, stashes of necessary items for days when we didn't go home for dinner and even had territories and groups that were opponents or allies.

A fistfight was sometimes necessary and for a kid was a rite of passage instead of a punishable crime. We all had knives and sometimes guns but never used them in anger because at that young age had enough sense to know that it really was wrong.

This is how we learned to take care of ourselves.

(Now kids think they have to win to the point of murdering another person because we've raised an entire generation of sociopaths.)


Back then adults knew that freedom to grow was an impotant and necessary part of growing up.


Now, parents won't let the kids learn on their own but they will give them cellphones, computers games internet access (for porn that makes the playboy mansion look like a nunnery) extremely expensive clothes that must be replaced every two weeks and the option of dressing like hollywood hookers on special occasions like ..days that end in y.
The boys aren't allowed anything sharp, much less something that actually shoots. The girls are given birth control for their 13th birthday but their parents know they won't use it and are afraid to explain why hor how they should. The parents nowdays act as if these spoiled little demigods could do no wrong and will defend their childs right to be a useless moron to the death.

The children ARE our future.

[edit on 21-11-2009 by badgerprints]

I have to pretty much agree with the poster above me.

And also add that I don't really see "overparenting" as a big problem. I think underparenting is far more prevalent, and much more larger of a problem.

I can think of maybe 2 parents I know that would be classified as overparenting. On the other hand, I literally can not count the amount of parents who dish their kids off in front of the tv, computer, etc.. so they can do pretty much nothing with them. Or parents who constantly dish them off on relatives or babysitters so they can go out and party and club etc...

EDIT to add:

Also I think we are just becoming...I'm not sure if overprotective is the right word...but overprotective to the point of lunacy.

About 2 weeks ago a friend of mines son who is a senior had his last football game of the year, a couple of his senior friends decided that if we won they would "streak" the field after the game, a common prank alot here I'm sure have seen a few times. Well they streaked, and got caught. After getting caught they were notified that not only would they be banned from every school social event the rest of the year, including graduation that had they been 18 (they were 17) that they WOULD, not could, have been charged as sexual offenders and would be placed on the same list as pedophiles and rapists.

A bit much for a high school prank.

[edit on 11/21/2009 by ThaLoccster]

Yes Badger, most definetly agree with you.

I miss being that age, growing up when I did when we could do just that. Our parents were not concerned with trivial things such as where we were between 9 am and 4 pm.

Hell if you showed up early they thought something was wrong.

And the fist fight was necessary and thought us a valuable lesson, whether we won or lost, usually friends remained in the end.

Thanks for the input.

~Keeper

Probably going to be flamed for this one but here goes.

I am still relatively young (27) and grew up in the age of video games and computers. Spend a lot of free time playing games still and work on computers every day for a living. Now that being said, while growing up I also spent quite a bit of time outdoors. I know a lot of you think that computers and video games are what is causing children to be helpless by the time they leave the nest. I don't believe this to be the case. I also do not believe they cause obesity or bad social skills or any of the various reasons people come up with to pin on them. Much like anything in life there is a need for moderation when it comes to video games or computer time.

I've known quite a few new parents that are of the helicopter variety and I believe that over parenting can lead to some serious social defects in children. I especially hate seeing the "everyone is a winner" mentality that goes on these days. No, not everyone is a winner, nor should they be. By telling the child that, you lead them to believe that even if they do a mediocre job, they're still the greatest thing ever. If you do a mediocre job, you're mediocre, plain and simple.

Also, not letting your child out of your sight, there are ways to ensure your child is safe even when you're not around. If they have friends that they're with, there is their support network right there. Especially if these children have been taught how to handle themselves and what to do in scary situations, 99.999999999% of the time they'll come out of it ok.

Originally posted by Hypntick
Probably going to be flamed for this one but here goes.

I am still relatively young (27) and grew up in the age of video games and computers. Spend a lot of free time playing games still and work on computers every day for a living. Now that being said, while growing up I also spent quite a bit of time outdoors. I know a lot of you think that computers and video games are what is causing children to be helpless by the time they leave the nest. I don't believe this to be the case. I also do not believe they cause obesity or bad social skills or any of the various reasons people come up with to pin on them. Much like anything in life there is a need for moderation when it comes to video games or computer time.

I agree with you. It's about educating your children about these thigns, so lon as you do, then there are no negative side effects associated with this type of thing.

The problem is that most parents allow video games, television and cell phones to raise their children as opposed to them doing it themselves.

I've known quite a few new parents that are of the helicopter variety and I believe that over parenting can lead to some serious social defects in children. I especially hate seeing the "everyone is a winner" mentality that goes on these days. No, not everyone is a winner, nor should they be. By telling the child that, you lead them to believe that even if they do a mediocre job, they're still the greatest thing ever. If you do a mediocre job, you're mediocre, plain and simple.

Also, not letting your child out of your sight, there are ways to ensure your child is safe even when you're not around. If they have friends that they're with, there is their support network right there. Especially if these children have been taught how to handle themselves and what to do in scary situations, 99.999999999% of the time they'll come out of it ok.

I have nothing to say about this other than wonderful. I don't know why you think you would be flamed. Truth be told, my children today are growing up much like you did.

I can't keep them from wanting all the new tech and enterntainment that's available and forbidding them of having those things would probably harm my children more than help them.

We have to embrace technology and move our parenting forward according to the times we are in. People are just under the wrong assumption that today requires less parenting, when it actually requires more.

~Keeper

Badgerprints, it sounds like you and I had a very similar childhood. That was how I grew up the first decade that I could walk, run, jump...that is until 12 when I started hanging out with Computer Programmers, played Dungeons and Dragons, and started obsessing over Medieval Manuscripts and Ancient Papyri and Scrolls instead of old molding copies of Playboy obtained from someone's big brother, or from the bum who lived down by the river. From age 12 onwards, my parent's home was just somewhere I stored my growing personal library, and showed up to once a week to do laundry and check in.

Still, I turned out fine.

I got a job at 14. Moved out at 15. Joined the City Council at 16. Graduated from High School at 17. I was even working for the Sheriff's Department and ready to go off to join the FBI Academy at 18 (thankfully some uber-cute German Foreign Exchange Students changed my mind about the Life Path I was on). Still, I was a responsible adult, contributing towards my community, long before I ever turned 18.

As a parent now, I do watch my own daughter like a hawk. I don't ever let her out of my sight. However, I have learned since she was old enough to reach the stovetop to take a Laissez-Faire attitude in parenting. I realized that I could tell her a hundred times not to touch the stove, and swat her away a hundred more, all in an attempt to protect her and shelter her...or I could let her touch it once and let her learn on her own. I chose the later and have been glad ever since.

I'm always there to catch her when she falls, but if it isn't life-threatening, I let her try and learn and fall.

Other parents think doing that is "abusive". However, my daughter is far more responsible than most, and although she still acts like a child, she's the one who watches out for others, and already, before the age of 13, she's ready and willing to accept adult responsibilities in order to enjoy adult liberties. Even though I know I will always worry about her, I know that I have raised her well enough to be able to think for herself, know right from wrong, and how to handle any situation that might arise...and more importantly I know that she is willing to live with the consequences, good or bad, of the choices she makes for herself.

And that is what parenting should be!

If you coddle and protect and shelter them from everything they won't ever have the chance to learn, to grow, to become independent. They'll either live with their parents forever, or they'll substitute their parents for surrogate parents like the Military or the Government. The Bubble-Wrap Parents are denying their children of any future, any growth, or any self-reliance.

Sure, there are Predators and Monsters. There always have been. I taught my daughter at an early age that Monsters are real, and not just in her dreams...the only difference is that in real life Monsters look just like everyone else. She has learned to be cautious (but not overly so) and how to protect herself. I'll be watching her from afar, but I know I can't always be there to watch over her, so I decided it was far better to teach her to watch out for herself, just in case. As it is now, I'd be far more worried about anyone who attempted to harm my daughter than I would be about my daughter. My 12 year old makes Buffy look like an amateur.

And that's just it. Children are not co-dependent pets. We need, as a society and as individuals, to stop treating them as such and regard them as diminutive adults who are simply naive and uneducated, but ready and willing to learn and explore the world, if we are brave enough to let them.

And if we do, we just might be surprised what they might accomplish if we give them wings to fly as soon as they've already learned to walk.

reply to post by fraterormus


I knew you'd show your face in this thread sooner or later old friend!

Thanks for the input and I certainly agree. Teaching our children how to be independant and how to empower them is what needs to happen.

The bubble wrap parents turn their children into victims, always afraid over what's over the horizon. My children have this urge to KNOW what's over the horizon.

Change has been embraced in my home since they were very little and it's helped them a whole lot. Falling down and picking yourself up at a young age is a very important accomplishment, and not many parents can say that their kids do that by the age of 12.

I think what's also added to this whole problem is how we as adults created a whole other class of people. I am of course talking about the "teens" of today.

We've given a whole group of our of society and the larger of the group I would assume by now, a "carte blanche" when it comes to responsiblity and contributing to society.

This didn't exist when I was a kid, I mean it did, but not to this extent. I was expected to be or more so act like an adult when I turned twelve. I was given responsiblity and had to take responsibility for my actions.

It was a not a choice given, my parents didnt' defend me as a person who "did no evil". They were much more interested in teaching me a life lesson than to protect my fragile ego or self esteem from "damage".

~Keeper

[edit on 11/21/2009 by tothetenthpower]

[edit on 11/21/2009 by tothetenthpower]

Originally posted by tothetenthpower
The bubble wrap parents turn their children into victims, always afraid over what's over the horizon. My children have this urge to KNOW what's over the horizon.

I think you hit the nail on the head with that quote.

As parents we have the choice to raise our children to become victims, or to be self-empowered.

Personally, I would think that decision would be a no-brainer for any parent. Apparently it isn't.

When my daughter gets bullied on the Playground she has the choice of being a victim and running to an adult for help, taking matters into her own hands and defending herself, or choosing to not let it drag her down to the bully's level and just ignore it. When she makes that decision for herself, she understands what the consequences of each of those decisions are, and knows she has to live with the choice she decides for herself. That's more than most adults are capable of doing.

When someone wrongs my daughter, she immediately takes a "Oh no you didn't!" attitude. However, I realize I've underestimated her inner strength when she usually just condemns their actions and puts an end to the situation, rather than allow it to continue or choosing to react instead of act. As such, she isn't affected by the external world....as she knows she is Master of her own inner domain. She'll cry over the plight of others, but she does not cry over what happens to herself. She regards everything that happens, good or bad, as a lesson and learns from it, growing ever stronger and more confident each time. I know she will never allow herself to be a victim, even if someone does her wrong.

I can understand that it is tough for many parents to warn their children of the dangers of Predators because in order to do such, you have to have some rather uncomfortable conversations with your child at an age they really shouldn't be concerned with knowing about the Birds & the Bees. I know it's a harsh reality for parents to acknowledge that this isn't Pleasantville where there is only gum-drop goodness and everything is hunky-dory so that they can prepare their children for the big, bad world out there.

However, as parents we have to find the strength within ourselves to do such, if ever we hope for our children to be truly safe.

Ultimately, we cannot control everything. Least of all, we can't control what befalls our children. There is no safety...only the illusion of safety for our children. The sooner that we accept that and instead focus on preparing our children for the harsh realities they might one day face, the better off we all will be.

My daughter understands that the world isn't always fair. She understands that the world doesn't revolve around her. She understands that she can't always win, and that there will always be those who are stronger, smarter, faster, better than she. She understands that there are Demons and there are Angels walking amongst us. She understands that it is a world filled with both wonder and danger everywhere. She understands that life is very fragile and can be taken away suddenly, unexpectedly and without notice. She understands that we live in a complex world of Causation, and that for every decision and choice there are repercussions. Most importantly, she understands that no matter what may happen, the Sun will still rise in the morning just as it always has and always will.

You'd think that having to face such harsh realities would be a burden to a young child...that it would open them to a life of depression, cynicism, and futility...yet on the contrary, my daughter is constantly filled with wonder and amazement. She loves life, not just for the good, but for the bad too. She awakes every day eager to live life for herself, willing to accept whatever may befall her, good or bad, knowing that regardless of what happens she will learn and grow and be a stronger, better person that she was the day before.

Children should never be afraid of the unknown, nor should they be prevented from going where fools rush in. It is natural for them to be curious, and as parents we can't stop them...the best we can do is to prepare them for what may await them in that great unknown, and arm them with the tools they will need on their journey. The Fool cannot begin his journey through life, and achieve the greatness they will one day become, if they are prevented from taking those first steps upon their own Path towards the horizon.

I think good parents will teach them well, pack them a lunch, and shove them out the door with a kiss on the forehead to wish them the best of luck, and then sit back and sip a Margarita having faith in their child to live their own life, rather than try to live it for them.

I read these posts with some nostalgia,and a bit of surprise too.

The truth is,most parents try to be the best they can,and want everything to work out for their children,but some people have been through things in their own lives that might make it a little harder to be free and easy,or to just have a let them go and grow attitude.

Back in the day when things seemed so happy,easy and full of nostalgia for some,others didn't see it or have it that way at all.For some that is the stuff movies are made of...or shows like LASSIE.
Some of us lived lives more like The TWILIGHT ZONE.

So mistakes are bound to be made.I overcompensated wanting a painfree,carefree,very happy childhood for my boys.Well,that doesn't exist and the guilt was incredible.

Now I've finally learned to relax.Kids need that I think.A medium.

The most important thing we can teach our children is how to think for themselves. That means letting them make decisions and yes, letting them fail and take the consequences of their actions. They also need to learn that just because they fail at something doesn't make them a failure if they learn from their mistakes. No one is perfect and we all can and should learn and grow daily.

All parents make mistakes; we're human but hopefully we learn to let our kids be kids. While my daughter was younger we lived in the country far enough out so I wasn't overly worried about strangers. She would take off in the morning with her dog, horse and fishing pole and have a wonderful time. To this day she has fond memories of being able to roam. The lessons she learned doing that can't be taught in a classroom. Today she is an independent young lady who knows her mind and can stand on her own.

As far as classroom and grades my stance which I believe to be correct was as long as she was doing her best I wasn't concerned about grades. If her best was an A wonderful however, if a C was her best it was fine too. It must have worked because she was accepted to the college of her choice with a Dean's scholarship.

I feel that kids need limits but unlimited love. They need to know what is expected as far as behavior goes but a parent should never try to live their kids life for them. They are going to get skinned knees, they are going to get hurt but that is part of living and growing and we do them no favors by trying to wrap them in bubblewrap and protecting them from pain. It is better they learn to deal with disappointment and pain while they are young and have parental support.

As parents it is our job to allow our children to find their wings and fly. To my mind that is best done by giving them the freedom to find their own path and supporting them.

Overparenting? Really? Given that most kids these days are sociopaths, I would say that those who 'overparent' have good reason to! Kids today are spoiled selfish self centered brats, whose parents have not taken or had the time to parent them, that was done by television and games, they think they must have their own cell phone, computer, and the most expensive clothing available, they don't think about tomorrow, they just text their little lives away as they demand more. The quality of life for kids just plain sucks anymore. Personally, I think that most poor families have a much more quality life with their children due to their inabilty to provide the cell phones, computer and games, instead relying on good ole imagination, and a child's energetic mind and body to entertain them, and spending more time with them. People of more means are usually unavailable to their children because they have to work, you know, to pay for the cell phones, computers, games, new clothes.......

Hmmmm.

Yeah. I kinda agree.

Of course, when I did what the previous generation did and let my oldest stay in the car while I ran into the store a woman and man team tried to take her.

So, over parenting sure is.

My child not being kidnapped by some crack whore for use by a psychopath. Still better than the alternative.

I think I'll stick with watching like a hawk, but still letting them jump off the benches even if it means they might skin their shins. You know, even though the other parents will hate that I let them jump off the benches, and the other parents and non-parents will hate the fact that I watch them at all.

Unless of course, I stop watching and one of them does something inconvenient. Then those people will wonder why I wasn't watching.

Parenthood. Glamour and societal kudos every minute.

I don't think that in anybody's idea I'd be considered one of those parents, the only thing I ever hawked about was drugs, because I lost a stepsister to them. Anyway I remember going outside during the first snowfall and pegging my children at 3 and 4, mind you, with snowballs and running away as they tried desperately to make their own and peg me!!!!! LOL!!!! Then building snowmen and having cocoa by heater vents afterwards, I always encouraged them to test and play and learn and they are very ahead, but my youngest, she was babied...mostly by her dad and sister and she is ssssssssoooooooo unprepared for life!!!!! She was watched like a hawk by them constantly,

reply to post by tothetenthpower


In re: OP

I think that parenting has become a lost art. Today's parents raise not children to be intelligent and good people, but undomesticated heathens who rage against everything they can't comprehend and any form of authority, no matter how benevolent or benign.

This is all likely the result, at least in part, of parents farming their children out to institutionalized, socially sanitized day care and babysitter video games. They grow up without the benefit of a warm and loving home life so... what should we really expect of the end product?

Overparenting? Not from where I sit.