Desperately seeking a man ’s perspective:

Look, your behaviour is outrageously selfish. The poster who had your back and pointed out that this kind of thing isn't uncommon seems...... confused. Does that justify it? Come on, get a grip. This is an utter disgrace and you know it.

Having said that, I am not condemning you, just your behaviour. I know that these things can take a momentum of their own and get out of control. And as a man, I can say that gender is irrelevant. You need to do something though, because this situation isn't good for anyone, including yourself.

Good luck,

John.

Originally posted by Melissa101
reply to post by GypsK

 

Thank you Gypsk! I am aware that I am not the only one with a splinter in my eye. What is so funny is that for years I was so against any relationship outside of marriage, I mean dead set against it then it happened to me, so never ever say never. I was wanting a man's point of view of what the other guy was up to, I did not expect all this other stuff, I guess I should have known better. Thanks for having my back...

If I may jump in again...

I can understand that unexpected things happen in life, people meet people and have feelings that (due to circumstances) may not be appropriate to act upon until the circumstances making that action inappropriate, is resolved.

If I understand your story correctly, this "relationship" if you will, happened over a year ago and then ended and then you reconciled w/hubby, and then resumed again with dude1 and then that ended [again] and now your left with questions... Am I right, so far?

So, my original post was intended to point out that your current situation, your feelings, your living state, is in YOUR control... it is with you, that you must take up the issues and not be distracted by the rest. It is with you that your life is not as you wish, not fulfilled, and it is with you that it can be changed, or left as is. Do not be confused with "blame-shifting" or placing attention on dude1... he is irrelevant. You must start with self, if you are to move forward.

OK Melissa..here we are again, and you need to go back and RE-READ what I wrote to you before. PLEASE.
After you do that, then RE-READ what you wrote and the replies to this thread.
LET IT SINK IN.
If the marriage is really not what you are working to fix, get out of it..and STOP THINKING ABOUT THE OTHER GUY. YES, JUST STOP.
You are using him as an excuse to want to leave a situation you were never happy with in the first place.
If you are truly so involved in church and community and looking out for your child, then focus on that..
This lust you are feeling for another will sidetrack your thoughts and keep you from acting on what you really need to do to move forward in life. You are so stuck on past events that you are anchored in place. STOP IT.
You need to live FOR YOU, and what makes YOU HAPPY, nobody else. That being said, what you do has to not be destructive to the lives of others.
When you say your husband won't let you go..he is wanting to be happy at the destruction of your happiness..that is wrong and it is not a healthy nor productive relationship.
Iam sensing that you lack confidence, and are seeking approval before making decisions for yourself....honey, you won't go forward without the courage to do so.
Iam going to say this one time-
Do not place any of your self worth on any man in your life...ever.
You need to be independent, and be yourself, and allow someone who appreciates you that way to share your life with you. Nothing less.
The more time you fret about it..the more you waste, the longer you will be unhappy.
There are those who think, and those who act.
The time for action is now Melissa.

Originally posted by LadySkadi
If I understand your story correctly, this "relationship" if you will, happened over a year ago and then ended and then you reconciled w/hubby, and then resumed again with dude1 and then that ended [again] and now your left with questions... Am I right, so far?

No, it ended over a year ago, I reconciled with my husband and recently this guy has returned somewhat.

I agree with AD.....ReRead....let it sink in.

Oh, and do you know what paragraphs are?

-Dev

Having been that "other guy" a couple times in the past, I think I may be able to answer some of your questions...

In all of my cases, the gal was unhappy with her current man... Granted, I never went for one that was married, but one of the gals was engaged (albeit a long distance one)...

Anyhoo...

At some point, the guy realizes that there is simply a LOT of baggage that comes along with being the other guy in a relationship... You said things got heated between him and your ex, and I suspect your would-be knight in shining armor (for that is how you saw him, and that WAS how he saw himself)...simply decided there wasn't a rosy future together, and just maybe your ex would go crazy and do something off the charts....

(in my case, I did have an ex or two hunt me down...and things could have gotten really bad for one of us (likely me, as one was just discharged from the military for being nuts)....) Needless to say, I decided it just wasn't worth it, and I moved on...(I've since met the love of my life, and I've been happily married for almost six years now).

My bet is that Prince Charming is torn between his own desire to save the "damsel in distress" (as he perceives it) and he is wary of dealing with all of the history you and your hubby have, as well as the threat your hubby poses....(I don't care how tough you think you are, crazy trumps tough every time)...

In your case, you're likely hung up on the fantasy life you've pictured with this guy whom you feel chemistry for, versus the one you "settled" for, and it's nice to consider the fantasy while having the comfort of the marriage.

Up to you on which you decide to go for, stay safe or go for it with this guy. All depends on what you really want (and only YOU can make that determination).... But, you have to realize that the fantasy may not live up to the reality of being with him. Sure, I could sugar coat it if you like, but in the end, it's not really helpful to do so.

reply to post by Gazrok


OMG! I think you hit the nail on the head, you are exacrly right. The chemistry was there long before he even new me and my husband had issues but he is a total wants to save the dame in distress kind of guy and yes I do want a knight in shinning armour. When it was over I told him the he and the white horse he rode in on could burn in h*ll. I do think he was intimadated by my husband being inclined to go off his rocker. Thank you for answering my question from your point of view. This is exactly what I was looking for. Someone (a guy) who had been there done that and could help me see it from his point of view. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Melissa101

You're most welcome. I wish you happiness in whatever choice you make.

reply to post by Gazrok


I honestly do not think I am going to DO anything, I just wanted the opinion of what is in a mans head when he does these things. In my opinion my husband had the balls to fight for me and he made an effort by going to therapy both on his own and as a couple so to me that says a lot. If the other guy was for real and was mature and new what he wanted and it happened to be a future with me then he would have to make one hell of an effort in that direction. But, because he is without balls I do not see that heppening. So IMO the best man won. Thanks everyone for your advice.

Well the way I see it is this. You made the decision to marry, in the course of that you found yourself unhappy. It happens Marriage is actual work and most people dont realize that when they enter it. Your unhappiness in your marriage is just as much your fault as it is your husbands. You could leave if you want to but things are not going to get better at all until you get the notion of fantasy dream man out of the picture, until that happens your just going to be spinning your wheels.

Mr. fantasy guy is just that a fantasy. What was he thinking? What was he really looking for? Hard to say he may have gotten off seeing how far he could take it. He may have wanted more but then realized what he was doing. The fact that he was starting something with you while he was supposed to be with someone else it says a great deal about him and really looks like it was an ego thing. He isn't a knight hes little more than a boy who is looking for attention and now his REAL girlfriend figured it out and dropped his sorry butt hes looking to build up his ego the easiest way possible, contacting you.

He is bitter at your husband, go figure a man who has no right to feel bitter over those events does because he is not a man he has failed to see any responsibility of the events and that is demonstrated by tearing your husband down at the first chance he gets.

Why do you feel he is so wonderful and great?

Simple because you let him in a door that you should not have. The largest reason these things do happen is because people let others into places they should not. IF you feel the need to let someone other than your spouse in those places you are inviting trouble into you life.

So now the choices are yours. Either you save your marriage or you don't, it is not impossible although it wont be easy either. The fact your husband has sought therapy on his own and with you, shows more hope than a lot of people have.

But, because he is without balls I do not see that heppening. So IMO the best man won. Thanks everyone for your advice.

If he's anything like I was (back then, in my examples above), it was a combination of both (not knowing what I wanted, nor having the balls to really invest in a relationship with complications at the time)... For my money, I think you made the right choice.

[edit on 28-11-2009 by Gazrok]