Desperately seeking a man ’s perspective:

Desperately seeking a man ’s perspective:

Ok. If any of you have read my other post you know I am married I had an affair that was not physical but intense just the same. It has been well over a year and I am still in much pain and confusion. I need a man’s point of view so I will tell the story and if you would please give me your opinion. Maybe it will help me get on with my life one way or the other.

This guy started coming by my work (his mom worked for the same company but not in the office with me) so he would drop bye to talk he later told me that the reason he came by was to see my beautiful smile. We would joke and laugh it was casual. After a few times I asked if he would play Santa Clause for our upcoming Christmas party and he said yes. So he played Santa. After a couple of more weeks I hired him. He seemed like he would be a good employee. At first he was flirty but I pretty much ignored him. When I would ignore him he would make some kind of comment or something to get my attention.

One day on Valentines he came by the office to “talk” and I had a dozen roses on my desk he went on about the only time a man sends roses is when he has done something wrong. He hung around until everyone left but him and me. We closed up together and he walked me out the back door and walked to his car around front. I offered to let him out the front but he insisted on going out the back. Anyway at this point I was slightly smitten, something about him hit me that day and stuck but I was still not going there. Okay then he started texting me and becoming flirty we talked about work at first then we got very close we talked from first thing in the morning to bed time and sometimes in the middle of the night. In April I was called out to work at around 11 at night, he was too and he told me if I could I should drop bye and see him at the house he was working in, so I did. When I got their guy he was staying with was asleep so we were alone. We talked and I ended up in his arms, I went to kiss him and he pulled back and said I was married and we worked together. He said he did not want to be THAT guy, I told him he already was THAT guy but I agreed yet he held me and we caressed each other and talked all night.

At this point I was head over totally completely hopelessly in love with him. We met at a park once and hugged and stuff and we kept texting and talking everyday. He told me I was a pain in his ass, and I told him he adored me and he agreed. He would make remarks about my husband having a little weenie and stuff. My husband and I were having problems at the time anyway and I told my husband I had feelings for someone else. It was a mess and he came to work and made a scene that cost me my job. I moved out and got an apartment and the guy I was seeing came over the first day I moved, again we just talked and held each other and he acted like he did not want to leave.

Things between him and my husband got very ugly and this guys mom was afraid that my husband would kill him (she lost a daughter and his horrified of loosing another child). Now he had a girlfriend too. I would ask him to come over and he said he would soon but would not tell me when, that he wanted to surprise me. When we talked about us he would say either that we were just friends or that he was confused or needed more time. We had so much in common and would be soooo happy together it was like I was home (if that makes since) with him. When we were around each other you could literally feel the sparks fly, others commented on it. When no one was around he would slap my butt or rub my back or we would hug. But, I was growing very frustrated so I asked a friend of his to help me and this so called friend just screwed things up and the guy I loved got mad at me and said he could not trust me and pretty much stopped talking to me.

So with out a job and very lonely I ended up back with my husband. We went to therapy and are doing okay, I have never been in love with my husband but I do love him. But I still pine after this other guy. I have a hole in my soul, I have fasted, prayed, I mean I have done everything to stop thinking about him, but no luck. About a month ago he sent word (I think he initiated me finding out) that he was broken up with his girlfriend. We have talked a couple of times and I have seen him a couple of times, he is still flirty and has made a couple of derogatory remarks about my husband; pretty much my husband wants to shoot him and he wants to shoot my husband, they are very bitter. He said he was OK with me just not my husband. In fact my husband would be furious if he new I have seen or talked to this guy. I have no one to talk to because I do not trust a soul after what happened I trusted people and just made problems for myself and him.

Okay so what do yall think he was up to? Did he have feelings or were we just friends or what? What were his intentions? I told him in the beginning not to start something he could not finish but he did and in the end would not man up, so I am left with hole inside that I cannot fix. What gives? Why did he not man up?

(added paragraphs for easier reading)


[edit on 24-11-2009 by Gazrok]

Ok, first off why did you marry your husband if you were not in love with him? I find that decision a bit unusual to comprehend. Do you still want to be with him?

It sounds like this guy had a crush on you. Not love, just a crush. I would assume, based on his derogatory remarks about your husband that he wanted to be more than your friend.

It hard to say why he didnt man up though. I guess that is somethings to do with his personality.

Sorry I cant help you anymore than this.

Originally posted by OzWeatherman
Ok, first off why did you marry your husband if you were not in love with him? I find that decision a bit unusual to comprehend. Do you still want to be with him?

The short story is that I never believed in LOVE and not sure if I do now. I married a man that would not leave me, that was not an alchoholic, one that would be a good dad and provider. I did not think I could ever love someone and if I did I would get hurt anyway so might as well marry with brains not the heart. But I have been very unhappy most of my marriage. So joke was on me LOL LOL LOL...
What is the difference in a crush and love?

[edit on 20-11-2009 by Melissa101]

Well all that and for religious reasons too.
Sorry... One liner....

reply to post by Melissa101


Judging by the reasons you got married if you ever want to be happy you are going to cause yourself some further emotional discomfort by examining your core beliefs . You need to sort out one problem at time so if you sort out the future of your marriage before you deal with the other guy . As for the other guy perhaps he just likes the chase It can be hard to put a finger on such things when I don't know the people involved personally .

Originally posted by Melissa101
Why did he not man up?

Are you serious ?

Your the one with the husband at the time and YOU should have drawn the line because its damn obvious this clown hasnt got enough respect for you, himself or anyone else to give a damn.

This guy sounds like a tosser aswell baggin out your husband the way he has done.

Your asking why did he not man up? that answer is simple , because this guy isnt a man hes a *SNIP* weasel .
And its as much your fault as it is anyone elses .

I tell ya right now if a chick who was in a relationship let alone being married to someone else wanted to be with me in that way and was putting it on me like you were him i would tell her to piss off quick smart .

I cant believe you think that a guy would want to have a relationship with you when its damn obvious that you cant keep your hands to yourself .

Id throw you out so fast it would make your head spin .
You say you didnt believe in love at the time SO WTF GO THROUGH WITH SOMETHING THAT IS BASED ON IT.

Accept responsibility for your own actions and stop crying poormouth .

Disgusting , theres a right way to do things and a wrong way .

[edit on 21/11/2009 by Omega85]

reply to post by Melissa101
I think the better question is why haven't you woman-upped? This is your deal, not anybody else's. Your husband doesn't deserve this. If you aren't happy, than do something about it and stop waiting for someone else to "make you feel fulfilled".
Time to get real with yourself. It comes from within, start there.






[edit on 21-11-2009 by LadySkadi]

Originally posted by Melissa101
Desperately seeking a man ’s perspective:

I told him in the beginning not to start something he could not finish but he did and in the end would not man up,

I told him in the beginning not to start something he could not finish

Translation: You told him to start something.

You gave a man who has no problems chasing another mans wife permission to go after you. This was your decision.

Of course, if he wanted to man up he could.... but why do that for a woman who clearly demonstrated that she would have no problem being in a relationship with someone else?

He sees his future with you in what you are doing right now.

I think Omega 85 made a good point about this man's lack of respect. His behaviour was inappropriate from the beginning and got worse when he started to say things against your husband.

I think you have to accept that you've been taken in by a player. It's a hard thing to admit to, but looking at the situation as you've described it that seems to be your answer.

It appears to me that you'd been lonely and had a feeling of something missing in your life. It's easy now to say that you shouldn't have got so close to that man, but I think you were vulnerable.

Did his girlfriend ever find out what was going on? Part of the reason he got involved with you may have been that he didn't expect it to go anywhere because you were married.

I know that goes against everything you believed because you felt so close to him. Possibly he was looking for something too, but found a relationship with you wasn't quite 'it'.

When you married you'd chosen a man who you could depend on and you seem to have judged your husband's character correctly. Maybe that's what makes this so difficult - to accept that you've had a lapse of judgement where this other man is concerned.

This situation won't change unless you do something about it and that doesn't involve changing other people. It's your outlook that needs to change.

I think you've discovered that you have a lot of love to give, but are finding there's nowhere for it to go. I won't suggest getting a pet or having a child because there's no good reason to bring another living being into this situation. (Forgive me, I can't remember if you've said before whether or not you have children).

I would suggest that you could find some voluntary work with children, animals or old people to try and give you the opportunity to encourage and develop your nurturing side.

I'm not being facetious with the following suggestion, but even taking an interest in plants might help. Just something to get you out of yourself and focussing on someone or something else's needs besides your own.

And try really hard to re-evaluate your relationship with your husband. He's been prepared to make an effort. If you feel that you can't make the same effort towards him then he is in a relationship that isn't great for him either.

He might be asking the same sort of questions of you as you want to ask of the other man. You've got to have some proper answers for him.

OK I deserved most of that and yes I have a daughter that is 13 and she loves both of us very much. I have started a non profit for individuals with disabilities and I am very involved with my church so I think I have tried the nuturing aspect to no avial, that is not what is missing.

I have never done anything like this in the past, I have never even slept with anyone else besides my husband. The other guy did not like my husband because my husband became abusive when I told him the truth.


I did not lie and try to keep it a secret and I left my husband and we filed for divorce. I was not going to sleep with him untill the divorce was final.

I think the problem in my marriage is intamacy and chemistry something I found in the other guy without even sleeping with him.

If this guy was a player then why was he not trying to sleep with me? I mean our relationship was intense but he made it clear that he was not going to sleep with me until after the divorce, and I respected that becasue I would not have anyway.

I have had many other men chase me even though I was married and I never took a second look at them. I have had flowers sent to me, love letters, I had one guy I barely new give me a designer purse that he picked up in New York, I have no idea why? One guy begged to take me on a cruise but I declined. I mean it ain't like I run off with every Tom, Dick and Harry, but I have had the chance. There was something different about this guy. I know from the outside it must look like we were slime but honestly I think we are pretty good people overall, with morals and such. If we weren't we would have screwed and kept things a secret. It was something that maybe neither one of us was expecting or could handle. I mean it was like a force of energy that I had never felt before, maybe no one here has ever experienced any thing like it and cannot relate, it was like we wanted to fight it but could'nt.

reply to post by Melissa101


I don't want to be cruel, I do understand about overwhelming feelings. Unfortunately, sometimes that's all there is - a strong chemistry and nothing else.

The feelings don't always 'translate' into a workable life style. It could be due to circumstances, a lack of compatibility on other levels, a character flaw or an unwillingness to commit or compromise (by either party).

You've tried to do the right thing and that's commendable but it just seems that you backed the wrong horse.

I've written quite a bit on here about my experience. How I felt when I realised that my relationship wasn't going to pan out the way I hoped it would.

I woke up one morning to feel a giant hand diving right in to me and proceeding to rip out my guts.

I was never the same person again. I used to feel that I was looking at life through a pane of glass. I thought I was the only person to feel like that but since then I've read other people saying the same thing.

It took a small tragedy to finally shake me out of it and realise that there were worse things that could happen than a broken relationship.

Now, some years later I can see that I would never have been happy had we stayed together . Not for very long, anyway. If I wanted stability and commitment that would have been the wrong person to be with.

If you can give it a lot of very honest thought and can imagine if the life you dreamed of would really have been possible with that man, you might be surprised to find that it would never really have worked out.

Originally posted by berenike
reply to post by Melissa101

 

I don't want to be cruel, I do understand about overwhelming feelings. Unfortunately, sometimes that's all there is - a strong chemistry and nothing else.

The feelings don't always 'translate' into a workable life style. It could be due to circumstances, a lack of compatibility on other levels, a character flaw or an unwillingness to commit or compromise (by either party).

You've tried to do the right thing and that's commendable but it just seems that you backed the wrong horse.

I've written quite a bit on here about my experience. How I felt when I realised that my relationship wasn't going to pan out the way I hoped it would.

I woke up one morning to feel a giant hand diving right in to me and proceeding to rip out my guts.

I was never the same person again. I used to feel that I was looking at life through a pane of glass. I thought I was the only person to feel like that but since then I've read other people saying the same thing.

It took a small tragedy to finally shake me out of it and realise that there were worse things that could happen than a broken relationship.

Now, some years later I can see that I would never have been happy had we stayed together . Not for very long, anyway. If I wanted stability and commitment that would have been the wrong person to be with.

If you can give it a lot of very honest thought and can imagine if the life you dreamed of would really have been possible with that man, you might be surprised to find that it would never really have worked out.

Berenike, I do not feel like you are cruel at all. I appreciate your input and in many ways you are right. I am sure that things worked out the way they are supposed to I just wish I new why he did ehat he did. Yes I was at fault too, I am not trying to imply that I was not I know I was. But I cannot figure out what motivated him if he was not also smitten and why in the end he completely turned off. I guess it really does not matter at this point but it bothers me. Oh and yes his girlfriend did find out but how much she new and how much she believed I am not sure. She called me and asked me about what was going on but I denied there being anything more than us being friends. I was nice to her and never wished her any harm. Thank you for all of your advice.
Melissa101

I didn't read the whole thread after the first post.

I love my wife, and have put ALL of myself in loving and trusting her. As I know she does the same for me.

IF you were my wife, you wouldn't be anymore. Plain and simple.

Obviously you don't want to be there. All this does is torture him and waste his time.

Who wants this kind of stuff looming over a marriage that isn't built on love in the first place.

No sense torturing both of you. Oh, and husbands aren't fall backs in case the "fling" doesn't work out.

It's the not knowing why that is the real killer. You feel you could cope or get over it if only you knew why.

How could someone deny themselves the joy of a relationship when the feelings were so strong?

I think we both have to face it that we'll never know.

Maybe, looking at the different ways you two went and the different ways you approached the problem when it became a crisis would give a clue that there was some incompatibility.

Possibly, if you'd stayed together you would have approached many of life's other challenges from different angles and failed to find a comfortable way to carry on. I don't know if that thought will help.

I am sure you have done your best to be fair and honest in a difficult situation and, certainly, you have learnt from it. You've been prepared to accept you share of any blame and take criticism on the chin so you must have come out of it a stronger person.

I used to want to be a strong person but didn't realise that you have to develop mental and emotional strength the same way that you develop physical strength. It's a lot of hard work and the going can be tough.

Well, I got strong but I found that you need to have some distance from the experience that helped you to gain strength before you can appreciate it.

It helped me to imagine that I was like a sword being forged in the fire and hammered out on the anvil. It might help you to find a similar 'visual'.

I've got to be off now - look at the people who love and care for you and try to see what they see in you. Then compare them to the one who, in the end, didn't value you nearly enough. You'll see that you're with the right people.

And whatever was going on in what's-his-name's head is so unimportant.

My best to you.

reply to post by bad man incorporated


You are right husbands are nt fall backs. I never intended on comming back I was completely done. He will not let me go. He knows I do not love him like I should, I told him over and over. He does not care, I am his and he will not let me go. It is like having a dog knowing you have to keep it caged and it is not happy and has no quality of life but you own it and do not care it is yours. He is possesive get the point, he would not let me go if hell froze over without making my life a living hell. Look I care about my husband and do not want him to hurt. We have been together a long time and been through a lot but he will never just let me go. I wish we could seperate and be good friends and stay close but he is not capable of that so I either stay or weather a terrible break up which when I left almost killed me. What I did was wrong but untill you walk in some one elses shoes it truely is hard to judge what you would do in any particular situation. I was vulnerable and fell for a spineless tool who in the end could not follow through.

[edit on 22-11-2009 by Melissa101]

Originally posted by Melissa101
reply to post by bad man incorporated

 

... but untill you walk in some one elses shoes it truely is hard to judge what you would do in any particular situation. I was vulnerable and fell for a spineless tool who in the end could not follow through.

[edit on 22-11-2009 by Melissa101]

You did ask for a male's input. I have been on the receiving end of something like that in the past. Although, I cherish life for happy times, and try NOT to be played a fool.

That said, I know men that won't let go. There is nothing more sad. There could be several reasons for this. I would be willing to bet that the main one is, you were a bit "out of his league" to begin with. Self confidence is a big one for men. Especially if the situation you and your "fling" joked about regarding him holds true. (the small penis thing).

Either way, I hope everything works out for the best.

You wrote in your last post: "I wish we could seperate and be good friends". What you are saying here is "I don"t want to be married to my husband anymore". And that's the bottom line isn't it?

No matter what you or your husband have done, no matter all the things that have happened, it's done and you can't change it, you can't keep appologizing for it forever, so forget about it for a while if you can and focus on your REAL problems: your marriage.
If you don't want to be with your husband anymore then do something about it. Staying in that relationship won't make you happy, it will only cause you to become more frustrated untill you eventually reach the point that you don't have the energy left to make a change... and then you will just take things as they are and live like that for the rest of your days. Believe me I've seen it happen.

You need to figure out what YOU want, and I'm not talking about that other guy, forget about him as well. What do you want for yourself and how can you get it? If you want out of your marriage, can you provide for yourself? Can you find a new job? Do you have support? (friends, familly, someone that can help you through it?) What do you want?

and oh btw, that other guy, he also cheated on his girlfriend (with you), what makes you think he won't cheat on you?

I am shocked at this thread. I know the rules of the board are that we don't get personal, but in a thread like this, that is quite difficult. However, I'll try and tone my language down and keep things unemotional.

You seem as if you want not just advice, but are feeling a little bit sorry for yourself. Do you expect sympathy from forum members? Seriously?

Your behaviour is incredibly selfish - I won't even go into the specifics - there is no need. You are toying with peoples' lives here. Its nothing short of a disgrace. Your behaviour - over a lengthy period of time - has been nasty, wicked, selfish and you seem oblivious to the hurt you are causing people. Either that, or you just don't care. Shame on you.

well I for one am shocked at most replies on this thread! As if the rest of us are all holy saints!
What? You people think it isn't possible to be in a relationship and at some point start to have feelings for someone else? You think it isn't possible to become stuck in such a situation or do things you regret later? Please do a reality check.
I'm not saying that what she did was right or wrong, just that it happens... all the time and everywhere and it could happen to you to! But I'm pretty sure that the 'guilty' (and those are many) will refrain from posting here.

The way I see it, the biggest mistake she made was posting her story here on this board, because as a member for almost a year she should've known she was gonna be slandered for that.

I guess if she was a man there wouldn't be all this fuzz now would it.

reply to post by GypsK


Thank you Gypsk! I am aware that I am not the only one with a splinter in my eye. What is so funny is that for years I was so against any relationship outside of marriage, I mean dead set against it then it happened to me, so never ever say never. I was wanting a man's point of view of what the other guy was up to, I did not expect all this other stuff, I guess I should have known better. Thanks for having my back...