What drives a woman to this end?

So I have a somewhat personal story to share.

About nine years ago I was unhappily married to a woman who eventually cheated on me, and then acted as if I had left her. She, to me, appeared completely unable to have any empathy for the issues she put me through, but I'm sure everyone says that to some degree. However, we had a child together which was why it was so problematic.

Anyway, that was a long time ago, and I am now happier than I've ever been with my current marriage, and I have custody of my son. His mother had eventually gotten remarried and was making a life for herself with her new husband.

Over time I started believing she was taking this guy for a ride as well... Well today I got the call from him, that she had vanished...

It get's much kookier...

Seems the two of them had a set of best friends who were themselves married to eachother. Monday was the other couples anniversary, and my ex went over to help her current husbands best friend make dinner for his wife... her best friend. My ex's current husband had said to his boss that day that his wife was the most important thing to him... his rock.

Tuesday morning, all was normal, kiss goodbye for work etc. My sons step dad received a call half way to work from her verifying that he was headed to work. He returned home later that night to find that she was gone, with most of his stuff, his dog, AND his best friend... the one who had just had the anniversary.

Evidently, at the same time she had called, she and her lover had hired several Mexicans to move a ton of stuff out of not only her home, but the other wrecked home as well. Having witnessed this type of behavior, but never to this degree I was expectant yet still astonished.

According to everyone involved ( I haven't spoke with her yet but I have her mother) there was never even the slightest argument ( a harbinger in itself ) between them.

Now, women leave men everyday (for right and for wrong), and vice versa with men leaving women. But what drives this kind of incredibly cruel behavior?

But what drives this kind of incredibly cruel behavior?

Probably some type of hormonal-overload, that makes her behave psycho every once in a while.

Some women just aren't happy unless they are constantly getting attention all the time. When things get stale....they look for drama and attention. They are too selfish to realize the effect they have on their (former) loved ones.

They need a constant "love affair" in their lives, because deep inside, they feel unloved. So, when the excitement stops and day to day living gets boring....they get bored....find another man who can give them the thrill of new love....so they can once again feel "loved."

reply to post by john124


That's a good point, because there appear to be long durations of assumedly normal behavior in between these episodes.

reply to post by HunkaHunka


Keep your eyes open for the next few episodes of Montel or Dr. Phil my friend.

In some respects I think womens' liberation has gone beyond equality and produced a perverse superiority for some women that can end up manifesting like in your story. Walking over partners like she's done isn't a good thing and I bet it hurts her as well.

reply to post by HunkaHunka


Some people are just bad eggs! There is no rhyme or reason to it. No matter the 'crime', they will find a way of justifying their actions to themselves and others. Searching for reasons will only do your head in.

IRM

I have a few questions before i can give my thoughts(i'm assuming you'll know the answers).

1.What was her parents relationship like?

2.Did she suffer from bouts of depression?

3.Up until she left you,what was your relationship like?(you mention you were unhappily married....can you put your finger on WHY?)

4.How old were you both when you got married?

Oh!And i'm pleased to hear that you're happy now,you must've found a remarkable lady.Many women simply can't cope with someone elses child.

But what drives this kind of incredibly cruel behavior?

Narcissism? Selfishness? Lack of Responsibility? Lack of Accountability?
take your pick, name a bunch more. There is no way to generalize this behavior.

ETA: I would say you are lucky to have moved on... I hope your son is ok.




[edit on 5-11-2009 by LadySkadi]

Fact is, some people were put on this earth to spread misery. All you can do is hope that the person you fall for isn't one of those self-absorbed liars.

Really though, it doesn't require hope. It requires not being blinded by fantasy, and having your eyes open to reality. Most freaks (like your ex) show all the signs of being a freak - it's just that we pretend we don't see them because we either don't want to be "too judgmental" or we're just in denial (too romantic).

Why do they do it? It's in some people's nature to do it - they can't stop themselves.

Originally posted by TheLily
I have a few questions before i can give my thoughts(i'm assuming you'll know the answers).

1.What was her parents relationship like?

They were divorced

2.Did she suffer from bouts of depression?

As a matter of fact yes

3.Up until she left you,what was your relationship like?(you mention you were unhappily married....can you put your finger on WHY?)

At first magical. But then, after we had our child, she just couldn't be happy. She tried different things... tattoos... dreading up her hair... shaving it completely off, etc. Then she said she was bi-curious... and this went on and on...

Now... in this episode with her current husband, none of these odd things which can normally happen in youth were present. She was always the doting wife with this guy. So I almost half believed what had transpired with us was just the confusion of youth. But evidently not.

4.How old were you both when you got married?

I was 25 and she was 21. Yep recipe for disaster...

Oh!And i'm pleased to hear that you're happy now,you must've found a remarkable lady.Many women simply can't cope with someone elses child.

Yes indeed, my wife today is the most amazing woman... oh we fight and argue, like any pair, but the joy we have together is building our lives and raising our family is proof that there is love after heartbreak. My son adores her.

Thanks!

I think you're asking the wrong question. Rather than asking why a woman would do this, ask why *anyone* would do this. Women have no monopoly on cruel or erratic behavior.

There are dozens of reasons why someone would do this. Most likely, there are some psychological wounds going on, an illness that she was perhaps able to keep quiet about most of the time. There could be some chemical imbalance in the brain that occasionally triggers this erratic behavior. There could be some deeply suppressed rage against men, or certain men, or just the husband. Whatever. We could sit around for years making guesses. The only person who might possibly know the answer is this woman, and she might not even understand why she behaves like this.

These two people (the ones who ran away) are kind of dumb. Each has shown that they're not loyal. If they left their spouse like this, what's to keep them from leaving their new lover when someone more attractive comes along? Nothing. They did it once, they could keep doing it.

I think maybe some woman just live off excitement. And once they get settled in with a new man and things are running way too smoothly and the new-lover butterflys are gone, they instantly scurry away finding the next adventure. Have you tried looking in her past? Do you know what her childhood was like or how things were before you two met?

Sometimes lack of attention and/or lack of excitement during childhood can trigger the sense to "let lose" later in life.

So if you got anything on her past, I would love to hear it.

Ah, should have read all the posts before asking about her past. But if theres any more info you have, do tell.

reply to post by HunkaHunka

Now, women leave men everyday (for right and for wrong), and vice versa with men leaving women. But what drives this kind of incredibly cruel behavior

It must suck to have someone like that in your life.
Having to deal with a vicious woman or vice versa because of a blood tie
Do you ever wonder if having a God complex set you on the wrong
course respectivly.
Most likely she is far from being finished.
Already your son will never be the person, he would have been, if he would have grown up in a family, not so disfunctional, shall we say.
Forgive me if that seems harsh.

This is total narcissism and should've been spotted immediatly.imo

[edit on 5-11-2009 by randyvs]

I agree with everything Chiron said

You know,when i look back at myself around the time of having my first baby,i can see a different person almost.I made stupid mistakes,stayed with a foolish man....my decisions were based on factors i wouldn't allow today.I was naiive.
But,i learned by those mistakes.
13 years on my life is very different.I am very different.

You will most probably never have the answers and i wonder....what would those answers do for you if you were to have them?
Would the answers change how you feel about her?
Could you forgive her or,have you already forgiven her?

You see,she sounds VERY similar to my ex-husband,and i admit i was angry with him for the longest time.
I analysed him afterwards,i broke down the whole thing in my head and built a picture of him.The bad childhood,the divorced parents,the young marriage(his 1st wife),the 1st child,the affairs.....it ALL made him who he is today.
I gave up in the end.I can only explain him as a 'lost soul'.
He's frittered his blessings really.He has 2 kids that won't speak to him,he's left his 3rd wife,lost his home.....a sad man.

I could never voluntarily leave my children and have never been tempted but,many men and women do.I'll never understand them.

So pleased you've found happiness

reply to post by HunkaHunka


Yeah, some strange behavior I reckon. While Freud would probably said this is a form of hysteria - well not seriously, just guess that it would be his answer to pretty much every women's mental disorders - I would say that this is something that has to do with a crooked sense of love, narcissism to the furthest extend that has led to very cruel behavior.

Of course, I might be wrong but it appears like she believes that she is some sort of a queen, like the one in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland, the Queen of Hearts. While I don't believe that the violence is a solution, I honestly think that she should get spanked, then put into care of professional psychiatrist.

Well, it is quite sad that people can end up acting like that. But then I guess, we are merely the reflection of our society and the society is the reflection of ourselves. So what can one expect?

Sincerely,

-v

Infraredman nailed it. I've been there too with a crazy ex-wife where everything was my fault etc etc. You will only drive yourself trying to figure her out. Your energies are better spent elsewhere. You will NEVER GET ANY ANSWERS. Forget her as much as humanly possible. Sorry that you have been through so much.

reply to post by nikiano


I think it should be noted that not ALL women are like that. It would seem that women obsessed with soap opera's and such drama based shows as that feel in order to live the high life they have to be surrounded by the same drama.

On the surface I'd say extreme narcissism. Digging deeper, I'd say biochemical imbalances. Even further, I'd guess that there could also be traumatic situations that happened to her earlier on in life.

Being apathetic is not human nature. There is definitely a biochemical abnormality going on. Genetic propensity, mixed in with environmental triggers.

I've dealt with a woman who was just as bad, if not worse. I truly lost my mind over the situation for way, way too long. If you're trying to find a single black & white reason, give up now. Life situations, and people, are far too complex to analyze like that.

Just realize that although she may not be able to show others her true feelings, she hurts most. She obviously can't handle who she is. She feels she must run away, instead of face reality. There is too much of a gap, between whom she imagines herself to be, and who she really is.

It's a bit of a paradox in that, those who harm most, suffer most. Those who seem most unworthy of our heart, are actually precious and most in need of it.

It's not you, don't fool yourself. Just let her be.

[edit on 5-11-2009 by unityemissions]