How do you forget?

I want to start off by saying that I am 35 and had never been in love before, sounds stupid I know. I have very deep trust issues and a fear of being hurt that stems from childhood. I have been with a good man for 20 years now and we have been married 15 years. I love my husband he has been a good provider and a good father, he loves me and gives me anything I want. He is not perfect (no man ever is) he can be possesive and has a history of abuse but with therapy he has stopped the abuse anyway we have a good life. I have one amazing little girl who worships her dad. Problem is I have never been in love with him and I have a hard time letting go of the abuse from our past. I married him because I knew he would never leave me and he would make a good life for us, which he has. I also did it for religios reasons.

One day I was at work minding my own business when Mr. OMG walked in, I am not usualy impressed or taken back by anyone so I tried to ignore him and deny the attraction out of fear. The fear of being married and being attracted to someone else and the fear of feeling so strong about someone in the first place and ultimatly being hurt. Well as time went on I could not ignore him or my feelings, we became good friends and when he hugged me I felt like I was in heaven, I wanted to die in his arms. When he came around I got flushed, I could not eat or sleep. We talked almost everyday from the morning to night by texting mostly. I confided in him about things I had never told anyone before for some reason I trusted him so much.

I told my husband the truth that I had feelings for someone else and this was a big mistake. I thought telling him would be the right thing to do but it just made things awful. Things got very messy and I left my husband. Now the other guy had a girl friend and was confused about the whole thing, he is a good man too and did not want to break up a marriage or hurt his girlfriend, I was just to much liability I guess. He and my husband butted heads at my work and this resulted in my loosing my job. Things draged on and I (out of frustration) confided in one of the other guys friends or who I thought was his friend. Things got even more messy and I ended pissing the other guy off and he pretty much stopped talking to me. Because he had given me the strength to leave my husband and he was my support during the divorce, when he stopped being there for me I went back to my husband. We have been doing pretty good. We went to therapy together and are living a pretty normal life again, I regret how bad I hurt him.

Now here comes the problem, I cannot get this other guy out of my head. I have prayed, fasted, gotten back into church, became a Sunday school teacher. I have went back to school and started my own agency for people with disabilities. What more can I do to shake this guy? What is wrong with me? Do I have an illness? Am I obssesed? I want to go on and be a good wife and do what I am supposed to do but I cannot forget Mr. OMG. I did hear a while back that he is single now and no longer has a girlfriend. I guess maybe a part of me does not want to forget how I felt and part of me wants him to knock my door down and rescue me and take me way. (silly I know) But he is the ultimate never will commit type so I know he would never do that, to do that would mean to make a commitment.

If my husband new I still think of the other guy it would kill him and then he would kill me. I miss the friendship mostly, how he made me laugh and how I could tell him anything. We had so much in common and we could talk on and on. It was a big deal for me to allow myself to feel for someone and trust them I mean it was monumental, so I do not know how to forget. I guess it would be like never eating chocolate before and then once you do you want more.

So how do you forget?

[edit for spelling]

[edit on 25-10-2009 by Melissa101]

[edit on 25-10-2009 by Melissa101]

Short answer? You don't

Long answer. It's tough to get over the one that got away. It's like wanting something that you just can't have. It makes it all the worse.

Like I said you don't get over them, eventually you will think of them less and less. Eventually you will think of him infrequently than rarely. One day you won't think about him anymore and all of a sudden something will spark that memory of him and boom the thoughts come all over again.

Originally posted by whatukno
Short answer? You don't

Long answer. It's tough to get over the one that got away. It's like wanting something that you just can't have. It makes it all the worse.

Like I said you don't get over them, eventually you will think of them less and less. Eventually you will think of him infrequently than rarely. One day you won't think about him anymore and all of a sudden something will spark that memory of him and boom the thoughts come all over again.

I cannot say it better than Wukky.
No use in pointing out the mistakes you made to get to this point because I'm sure you figured that out by now and have been mulling that over in your head as well.
Like you, I was in a bad marriage for even more than 15 years.
*Enter Mr.OMG.
Long story short..I left my marriage for him, and for me to end the years of unhappiness and abuse. But it didn't work out.
Knowing I was not happy with my ex, going back to him was never an option. I don't know why you made the choice to return where you weren't happy before, but it seems you feel you need a man in your life to be happy? I could be wrong.
I would wager that in your life Mr.OMG made you feel special and wanted, and that along with the friendship is what you miss. He gave you the emotional aspect of what your marriage was lacking. You won't forget that, and yes at times you will crave it. But..time now to go forwards, not backwards. BE SURE you know what you want, what will make you happy..because right now, you are not sure....
Your focus should be on you, just you. For now. Get yourself and your direction together. Stop looking to men to make you feel good (it sounds that way) and find a way to make your life despite what has transpired.
It makes me uncomfortable when you say your husband would kill you if he found out you had feelings for another. If he is still abusive, in any way...verbally or physically, get out and get out now. There is no justification for staying. But do not, I repeat, do not..try to run back into the life of Mr. OMG. Get on with your life, and if your paths cross again, and you are both available not just emotionally, but physically, and I dare say legally..then perhaps it's a go.
Good luck to you hon.
AD

You struck a cord when you stated that it sounds like I need a man to make me happy and you are right. That hit home, I need to focus on what makes me happy outdside of my relationships and not focus just on a relationship to identify my sence of happyness or to validate myself. Thank you, and no my husband is not currently abusive but if he thought that there was someone else he would become that way. he did when I told hin the truth about Mr. OMG. You no it is sad that my pool of trusted friends is so limited that I resort to talking about this on a conspiracy theory site. But I feel much better that I have gotten it all out and I want to thank you for your honest perspective. I love ATS and all my fellow ATSers. Gos bless...

Originally posted by Melissa101
You struck a cord when you stated that it sounds like I need a man to make me happy and you are right. That hit home, I need to focus on what makes me happy outdside of my relationships and not focus just on a relationship to identify my sence of happyness or to validate myself. Thank you, and no my husband is not currently abusive but if he thought that there was someone else he would become that way. he did when I told hin the truth about Mr. OMG. You no it is sad that my pool of trusted friends is so limited that I resort to talking about this on a conspiracy theory site. But I feel much better that I have gotten it all out and I want to thank you for your honest perspective. I love ATS and all my fellow ATSers. Gos bless...

Melissa hon..even the slightest threat of violence, just because you have feelings he wouldn't like..is too much.
Let me tell you, this pool of trusted friends here on ATS is what got ME through my tough time and out of my bad situation. It was a long hard road and without the support and encouragement that I got here..I might not have made it intact. There is nothing sad about friends on the net. You may not be able to meet us on the corner for coffee, but we will be honest with you,and can share your highs and lows , just as well if not better than those around you.
As I say often, we are not just avatars. This place connects some of the best people on the planet for many reasons,and that's why I call it home.
You and I are embarking on the same journey, even though I'm slightly ahead on the road.
Do what makes YOU happy. Nobody else.And do it wisely, and safely.
I'm just a u2u away if you need Melissa. Don't hesitate.
*hugs
AD

reply to post by AccessDenied

Melissa hon..even the slightest threat of violence, just because you have feelings he wouldn't like..is too much.

This cannot be said enough.

My guess is you're more attracted to the "fantasy" of Mr. OMG more than the actual man...and it's the fantasy you can't get out of your mind.

Is it worth leaving a vested marriage, children, etc. for this fantasy? Only you can decide.

Personally, I don't understand the whole abuse issue, I just can't fathom how a man can lay his hand against a woman like that, nor do I think they can just change, even with therapy...but that is for you to cope with, and it seems you've decided to do so. I certainly hope and pray that such an issue is far in the past.

Just because you can't get him out of your head doesn't make you a bad person, and it isn't a "sin"... Acting on it would be (given your religious background), but your own thoughts are just that...yours. Your mind is the one free playground you have...don't fence it in when you don't need to....

reply to post by AccessDenied


It is so complicated. He would never let me go in peace NEVER. I also have to think about my family my parents think he is the best thing ever, and most of the time, he is! And our daughter loves her dad so much.

I appreciate your extension of friendship and I did not mean to sound as if there was anything wrong with talking to folks online it just hit me that I do not have any close friends that I could trust to talk to outside of ATS, and I found that lame. I have known this for a long time that I am pretty lonely even though I am very busy and surrounded by people but sometimes it hits me harder than others. I just do not let anyone get close because again the fear of being hurt. This is why the relationship with the other guy was so significant. I have a ton of aquantances but noone I would talk to about something so secret.

Anyway, same here if you need anything just U2U me too, OK. Hugs, Melissa101

Originally posted by Gazrok
My guess is you're more attracted to the "fantasy" of Mr. OMG more than the actual man...and it's the fantasy you can't get out of your mind.

Is it worth leaving a vested marriage, children, etc. for this fantasy? Only you can decide.

Personally, I don't understand the whole abuse issue, I just can't fathom how a man can lay his hand against a woman like that, nor do I think they can just change, even with therapy...but that is for you to cope with, and it seems you've decided to do so. I certainly hope and pray that such an issue is far in the past.

Just because you can't get him out of your head doesn't make you a bad person, and it isn't a "sin"... Acting on it would be (given your religious background), but your own thoughts are just that...yours. Your mind is the one free playground you have...don't fence it in when you don't need to....

Interesting concept of not being able to get the fantasy out of my head not the man. That makes scence. I will have to mull that over. Thanks!

[edit on 26-10-2009 by Melissa101]

Originally posted by Gazrok
My guess is you're more attracted to the "fantasy" of Mr. OMG more than the actual man...and it's the fantasy you can't get out of your mind.

Is it worth leaving a vested marriage, children, etc. for this fantasy? Only you can decide.

Personally, I don't understand the whole abuse issue, I just can't fathom how a man can lay his hand against a woman like that, nor do I think they can just change, even with therapy...but that is for you to cope with, and it seems you've decided to do so. I certainly hope and pray that such an issue is far in the past.

Just because you can't get him out of your head doesn't make you a bad person, and it isn't a "sin"... Acting on it would be (given your religious background), but your own thoughts are just that...yours. Your mind is the one free playground you have...don't fence it in when you don't need to....

I stand and applaud you sir/maam, as you have said so much in this post that is most certainly true.

Well done, this is when I wish I could star in BTS as this post certainly deserves it.

The only thing that you can do is to occupy your mind with something so that you don't think about the guy. Also don't call or see him anymore and let time do the rest of the job. As the second poster said, you don't get over the person, especially the one you believed you fell in love with. But more and more you don't think about him the more distant you'll grew and eventually your feelings for him will fade. This process is VERY hard, but it's necessary because it's the closest thing you could get to "getting over" him.

You don't ever forget. You're lacking something your husband hasn't, won't, and will never do for you. Be strong and go find your happy. The abuse should give you enough strength to move on with your kids. Imagine what relationship problems your kids will have, because they saw their mother stay with an abuser? They will allow the same opportunity for that kind of love to happen, and never find the real thing. It's a shame you stick with someone because you know that person will never leave you, and can give you a good life. It's a real shame.

It isn't Mr. OMG that has you bothered, it's what you felt when he hugged you. You are allowing yourself to have nothing more.
You could have it again, you really could.

Wow thanks for sharing that with us. Have you ever thought maybe your just bored and need some excitement? I say that because sometimes thats the case with things like that. At the time it seems exciting, and when its all over over, things end up more broken than they were before.

You might want to try getting involved in some activities, if you have a hobby you enjoy doing or something.

UPDATE: By request.

My husband and I are doing very well. I never see or hear from Mr OMG anymore. I have no idea where he is or what he is doing. I am more involved with church now and I guess I have forgotten. It took a lond time so I guess only time heals. It just was not meant to be. Or what was meant to be was/is for me to stay with my husband and enjoy my life.

Originally posted by 1207020709
You don't ever forget. You're lacking something your husband hasn't, won't, and will never do for you. Be strong and go find your happy. The abuse should give you enough strength to move on with your kids. Imagine what relationship problems your kids will have, because they saw their mother stay with an abuser? They will allow the same opportunity for that kind of love to happen, and never find the real thing. It's a shame you stick with someone because you know that person will never leave you, and can give you a good life. It's a real shame.

It isn't Mr. OMG that has you bothered, it's what you felt when he hugged you. You are allowing yourself to have nothing more.
You could have it again, you really could.

Thanks for the kind words.

reply to post by Jess_Undefined


If I had anymore extra activities to keep me busy I would not have time to sleep. Did you read my post? I also work full time now, I have no time for anything else, trust me....

As someone who also had an emotionally abusive husband, I understand what you are going through. It is hard to forgive and forget.

Forgiveness has steps. It doesn't happen because you say it, or try to convince yourself you have too. When anger and grief no longer serve a purpose and starts hurting you, it is then you start working on forgiveness, it can take weeks or months or years.

Your husband hurt you. But he also has a disorder. These things come from a bad place. Someone made him that way either genetically or abuse or neglect. He did the rare thing and changed and ended it.

That speaks volumes in itself.

What you guys need to do is start building a new relationship, new memories. Pick up a new hobby together. Something that is completely different to anything you have done before. You start anew.

Start small, have a date night. You can force recovery either, but it can happen. STart with a movie or video game. Then work your way up to a weekend vaca.


The hurt will eventually go away. Yes there was a lot of pain. But your husband changed. And that in itself speaks volumes.

reply to post by Melissa101


Thanks for the update! Glad to hear all is working out well.

Originally posted by Melissa101

If my husband new I still think of the other guy it would kill him and then he would kill me. I miss the friendship mostly, how he made me laugh and how I could tell him anything. We had so much in common and we could talk on and on. It was a big deal for me to allow myself to feel for someone and trust them I mean it was monumental, so I do not know how to forget. I guess it would be like never eating chocolate before and then once you do you want more.

So how do you forget?

[edit for spelling]

[edit on 25-10-2009 by Melissa101] [edit on 25-10-2009 by Melissa101]

tbh, sounds like you are still inlove with that guy, or simply you aren't that in love with your husband instead it was more of a filling the void, than ya know true love, sucks to be alone for some I suppose.

mah 2 peaches.



edit: meh you fxd it jah, disregard me I suppose