Help.

My girlfriend is moving in with me... We have been dating 2 years but I'm not sure I'm ready for this step... We pretty much live together right now but the idea of actually having our own place together seems like a bad idea. She is my first serious relationship and I've never imagined she would be the only one. At any rate, she hasn't moved in yet but will at the end of the week. Unfortunately she has no other options as to places to live so I feel somewhat trapped. I think this is going to make our relationship fall apart and I've tried to tell her this but she doesn't seem to want to listen. She just keeps pushing and pushing even though I'd told her how I feel. I think she thinks that if she moves in things will get better but I don't feel the same way. I don't want to break up with her as our relationship is very good otherwise but it seems that is my only other option.

Is there anyone here that has gone through this that could give me some advice? Is breaking up the only other solution? How do I get myself out of this without losing her? If she moves in this only will make things more difficult in the end yes?

Thanks for any input...

I've lived with my Girlfriend for over 6 years now, so first of all let me say, there's nothing wrong with doing it.

The past 6 years have been very nice for us.

We did it due to not wanting a long distance relationship, so I moved here and looked for work and here we are today.

I say if you're having second thoughts you need to tell her right now, don't let her move in with you.

You might even tell her that it's on a trial bases, try it for a month and see how it goes, however , draw up a contract and have it notarized. Once she moves in with you, it could be very hard to get her out. Not sure what state you are in and the laws there, but put her on a month lease, see how it goes, then that gives you an out as far as a legal stand point.

I've never been in this situation so you may not take my advice, but here it is anyway.

Sounds like your having second thoughts coz your nervous about moving to the next level. You said this is the first serious relationship you've been in?
Maybe you want to see what else is out there and you feel her moving in is going to tie you down. Talk to her about it, and definately do it for a trial period coz if not it could ruin more than just a relationship.
Other than that, good luck to you man!

Hi tacitblue,

Now you have got this far, you cannot let your girlfriend down. Can you not help her to find alternative accomodation? You must tell her you've got cold feet. If she really has no where else to live, perhaps she could move in on a temporary basis (she must understand that before she moves in) and you must both work together to find her a place of her own. Who knows, you might even like her being there!

Just because you may move in together and it doesn't work well doesn't neccessarily mean the end of your relationship, but in all honesty, not many females would take kindly to being messed around. Maybe its time for you to settle down and give this relationship your best shot. Only you know that. You must be honest with yourself before you can hope to be honest with others. Good luck!

Sorry - somehow posted this twice.

[Edited on 18/5/2004 by iwouldificould]

What are you afraid of losing, if she moves in with you? Are you afraid of losing your independence or individual identity? How much more personal time and space do you have with things as they are right now vs. how things will be after she moves in? Does she already spend 6 out of 7 nights at your place, help with your housework/laundry/etc.?

If so, then it could just be the formality of the situation that is freaking you out. It's sort of along the same lines as people who are happy just living together, but once they are legally married they freak out and self-destruct. Don't let your fear of being trapped, destroy a good relationship. Just relax and recognize that this is just a new chapter in your life. Your relationship with this girl may or may not last forever, but don't let your brain scare you into acting in a manner that your heart might end up regretting later.

On the other hand, if you don't have a true desire to share your life and home with your girlfriend, but she is pushing you into a corner, you need to make your feelings clear now! You will end up resenting her after she's moved in, even if she does nothing wrong, if you feel like you were pressured into letting her live in YOUR house. Everything that was "yours" will become "ours", and you will have to make concessions you may never have thought of before. None of this is inherently bad, but if you aren't prepared for it, it may seem bad to you. That doesn't make you immature or selfish. It just means that you are not ready to start a new chapter, and need some more time. If your girlfriend can't understand that, then living together will likely exacerbate any tensions already existing between you. Obviously this will cause things to fall apart and you should apply the brakes before things go any further.

Life doesn't need to be as complicated as people make it. Every experience we have, good or bad, is part of a greater adventure and a chance to learn something we otherwise wouldn't have known.

The most important thing that I have learned, is that in order to get everything I can out of my short time on earth, I have to force myself to step outside of my emotionally protective shell and risk getting hurt or disappointed.

Like I said, everything is an experience and every experience holds a lesson for us to learn (with some lessons being nicer than others).

I don't know if any of this makes sense to you or will help, but I wish you luck whatever you decide.

First off let me say thanks to everyone who replied. It's nice to know there are random people out there who are actually kind of enough to care...

The reality is I know what I need to do, I've known it for a while. She is my first serious relationship and I don't feel I know myself enough in order to know whether or not she is the right one for me.

On one hand things are awesome... She in most respects is the perfect girlfriend and partner. On the other there are several important issues that she has passed over to me to deal with... Things such as her in ability to budget, emotional problems with her parents, and her insitance on whining about problems rather than dealing with them. These things are not my problems to deal with yet they do effect our relationship n negitive ways.

At any rate I guess the main problem I have with her moving in isn't the fact she would be living here (as she practically already does) it is that when (I'd rather say if) these issues reach a boiling point we won't have seperate places to go. Additionally I don't want to live with someone I don't plan on marrying one day... I could marry this girl but don't trust myself to make that decision at this point.

I also feel somewhat sorry for her as it seems she has no other place to go. All her friends are moving in with thier boyfriends and she can't afford to live by herself.

[Edited on 23-5-2004 by tacitblue]

There are many good points to living together. This way you both will get to know each other much better. You need to set some rules between the two of you now though, before she moves in. You both will need space.

So here is what I suggest for what its worth.

Make an anger contract.
If you two start fighting, and it gets to a boiling point,
descide whats the best action to take now, before it ever happens, because its going to happen as you two discover annoying habits about each other.

Its best to have an agreement to have space when you need it. And you both need to agree on it before hand, one person needs to go to one place in the appartment, and one in the other. Or one needs to take a walk while the other sits at home. It is VERY importaint that you two discuss this now, before something does happen. You can defuse any problems before they start this way.

Many benefits to living with your girlfriend, most of which I don't have to say..lol
The biggest is assets. Between the two of you, you can live rather comfortably.

And I wouldn't be surprised if you change your mind on marriage soon, once you two are together for a little while in the same place non stop.
Scary huh?

Good luck!





[Edited on 24-5-2004 by Darkblade71]

Tacitblue,
In 1996 a friend of mine introduced me to her new-boyfriend's brother, we started dating and spending a lot of time together, when he wasn't at work. D and G (brothers ) shared a 2 bedroom apt. Three months into the relationship with "D" , he decided to spent a day with a female friend of his ( we had plans that same day ), I got very upset because "D" broke our date and he was no where to be found, at that point. When he finally showed-up and told me where he'd been and with whom, I was , I broke our relationship off, at that point. A week later, I got a phone call from an ex, that I was hopelessly in love with, inviting me to his house and a party. I went, and partied all night ( house full of people ), the next day I went home, "D" came pulling in behind my car, jumped from his car , at me, shoving me into the apt., building. When I went to tell him it was none of his bussiness what I did, he punched me in the mouth, bloodlying my mouth and knocking 3 teeth loose, " D" ordered me into my apt, following me in, then informed me that I belonged to him and I would do as I was told ,.... I was very scared of him at that point ( my x-husband had abused me during the 14 yrs., we were married , so I do fear abusive men ), a month later, " D" wanted to move in with me, at first he begged me to let him move in, then he threw a guilt-trip on me, saying that if I was any kind of a desent woman/ girlfriend and had a heart, that I would let him move in, he said that " G" wasn't paying his share of the bills, that he was spending his money on his "weed" and "crack-coc aine ", and "D" was getting tired of spending all his hard-earned money towards bills, with nothing left over. "D" promised to share in the bills if I let him move in, He hounded me for two weeks non-stop, until I finally gave in , that year for christmas "D" asked me what size ring I wore , I told him my size, BUT I also told him NOT to give me a ring for christmas if it was a "symbol " for something. Christmas night "D" , his two sons, my children, a room-mate, and I opened gifts. "D" gave me some nice clothes ( a little on the baggy-side, diamond earrings and in between to shirts was a diamond ingagement ring. I freaked-out, I refused the ring but he begged and nagged at me until I excepted the ring. Three and a half years later, we were buying a house on contract, the following six months was pure hell for me, he'd come home from work every day, accusing me of everything under-the-sun , slamming me up against the refrig., and walls. I finally got sick of being scared of him and moved-out while he was at work one day, and moved into my oldest son's house that was sitting empty at the time, two more weeks of "D" harrassing me to come back to him, then he finally gave up, this was in Jan., 2000 . "D" and I DO NOT speak to this day .
April of 2000, I was introduced to a wonderful man, by "D's" ex-wife (first wife), we dated for a few months before Robert and I decided to live together and plan to marry when he's finished paying his child-support, in about two years ,.... I have been blessed with a good man, finally, after years of un-deserved hell and abuse, and I'm still doing as I had when I was with "D", but now with Robert, staying home and taking care of the house and Robert. I do not work as I am disabled due to being a cancer-survivor .

All I'm trying to say from experience is this . Different experiences helps to make us growing and learn, never be afraid to experience new things, but use common-sence when needed , look deep into your heart of hearts , for only you knows thyself better than anyone, do what you beleive is best to do in this situation your in with your girlfriend.
I wish I had listened to my "inner-child" , I would have saved myself four years of grief with "D" and had put a restraining-order against him after the punch in the mouth in 1996.

I doubt that you would need to worry about your girlfriend being abusive towards you, but it sounds as if she may be pushy, but who knows, it might turn out for the good living together, but it may not either , :shk: