she ended a 5 year relationship...but knows we will get back????

Hey everyone, My x-gf just ended a 5 and half year relationship with me 2 weeks ago. She was 15 and I was 16 when we started and now were both 21. Over the last year we have talked about how we will probably need to eventually take a break, but we would always be so happy we would just stop talking about it. But 2 weeks ago she came forward with it saying we need to experience life apart from eachother because weve been together since a young age. She said she needs to experience life without me so she can know about herself as a single. She said we both need to experience this. Now this is where my story is VERY different from any other break up. She told me shes not doing this just to get with other guys, but she did say if it happens it happens. She also said its even possible she gets another boyfriend eventually. Whats weird about all this is because she told me she wants to marry me and knows we will eventually get back together in the end. She said we need to do this so we can be stronger in the end when we end up together. But yet she also used phrases like if its meant to be well end up together again. She says she still loves me but yet shes also the one who was telling me we need to stop talking to eachother when she ended it. The first couple of days i kept in contact with her because i was so hurt, but now its been over 2 weeks we broke up and over 1 week we havent talked. I am very confused about how shes so sure she wants to marry me and yet shes doing all this? she says she needs to do this so she can appreciate me again, that she wants to know that how lucky she is to have me. Im very down latetly, I know I wont be initiating any conversation. It just hurts so much and I have so much school work. Any advice and any thoughts about her being so sure she wants to be with me but yet shes ending it and wants to cut communication and that she might eventually have another bf? You think shes honest? Ive tried to get her to say she only said we'll end up together because she being nice but she insists its the truth. Please Help.

Sounds to me like she had already found someone else and was trying to let you down easy. She might be being truthful but I seriously doubt it, You should see other girls when you are ready , dont wait on her or you will regret it later.

reply to post by Brent08


What happens if in 2 years, she wants to get back together and you have a new girlfriend?

Life is funny that way.

Best move on and whatever will be will be....

reply to post by DarkStormCrow


she told me not to wait. She told me to move on as if we are done forever for now. But she told me in her head shes not doing that. I even asked why she seems to be moving so easily and she said its because shes so sure were getting back that she doesnt see this as the end. What you think?

reply to post by tribewilder


she said shes willing to take that chance.

I think you should forget about her and find a new Companion, and even if she does want to come back to you later, you should refuse her, if she feels this way after 5 years a longer term relationship with her isnt in your best interest.

your not thinking clearly

she KNOWNS you will be together in the end
but she wants to break up with you.

your being taken for a ride, your the fall guy she will cry on every time some other guy burns her. then you'll prop her up and she'll go right back to forgetting about you till next time she needs a post to lean on again.

she aint worth it. forget this one she does not think smart.

move on and dont look back.

reply to post by lamb chop


One thing is for sure though, even if we ever do get back together 2 or 3 years down the line, if we break up a second time, I would never allow a third time to be even possible. In other words, id never get back with her for a third time.

Do you guys think that 2 or 3 years down the line, if i still have those type of feelings for her, i should give her just one more shot? and dont worry, its not like i will be just waiting around that whole time.

[edit on 28-9-2009 by Brent08]

reply to post by Brent08


I will share an absolute fact with you:

In life the pain is easy, it's the hope that kills you.

Meaning, as it relates to your situation, that the pain of breakup when the door is slammed on your heart may be considerable, but it pales in comparison to the suffering that will come if that door is only 99% shut and a 1% crack of possibility remains. That little hope will be the source of constant agony and confusion. It will permeate all your decisions with doubt and preclude you from moving on. It is a horrible way to go through the day.

One can only live in the present moment, if it is not to be between you two it just isn't. It is rather selfish and extremely inconsiderate for her, though understandable for her age, to communicate to you in this way ... but you simply cannot live your life hoping for some arbitrary future moment in time to manifest.

I know it's not what you want to hear b but it's time to move on ...

listen up man everything that is being told to you is the truth and i suggest you never speak to her again and be lucky the five years you had together was good. I myself have gone through the same thing only difference is I am about two years ahead of you with a son and daughter who I thought was mine but turns she isnt and to top it all off she wont let me see them and do you think I can get a logical explanation as to why she wont let me see them. Hell no she is enjoying playing these games as will your women if you let her play them. Heed my advice before you end up having to deal with her for the rest of your life whether you want to or not

there are three basic types of people in life.

climbers:
these people are the ones constantly climbing the mountain, looking forward in life, achieving their goals.

campers:
they reach a level they are happy with and setup camp indefinately.
they arent going anywhere but arent doing harm to anyone either.

pullers: these are like your ex girl. they rely on others to "tow" them through life as they have no guidance system or motivation of their own.
they ride on the coat tails of others until a better ride comes along.
they never achieve on their own. they dont know how to setup camp either.
they just become a dead weight that you and others have to "pull" up the mountain, adding extra burdon to those who they are riding along with.

the truth is, the dead weight will pull you down the mountain to her sub standard level quicker than you could ever pull her up the mountain to a better life

[edit on 30-9-2009 by lamb chop]

Well jeez, cut her some slack. You two have been together since you were 15/16? She's doing both of you a huge favor. I can't tell you how many times I've seen couples break up over having "devoted the best years of their lives blahdeblah" to one person. You were on a near guaranteed road to resentment for at least one if not both of you.

The fact is, neither of you is in a position to know what's best until you have a basis for comparison. Give her some space and enjoy the freedom yourself. If down the road you end up together, at least you'll both know you've experienced what else is out there. Get in the wind, man. At 16 you have no idea what the hell you're doing. I know, sometimes it works out, but it was a lot more frequent back in Little House On the Prairie days. Now, it's a crapshoot and you're gambling everything on what you thought you wanted at 16.

At least she isn't doing it behind your back and is up front about it. It sounds like she's been working up to this for the past year.

What's that corny old poster, "If you love something let it go..." You know the one, and I don't mean the one that ends "...hunt it down and kill it."

I met Stacy when on a Army cadet summer camp when I was 17, she was 15 (only 1 1/2 years between us), we were together until I was 21, she broke it with me with a similar excuse. Turns out she was interested in someone else. A year later she came back to me for another try as she was missing me, it lasted 6 month before we realised we were just good friends, I think because it was both our first relationship, and we were young, it was just curiosity about relationships. Me and Stacy have young son (Andrew James) together who is 10 this november, and there will always be that bond, but deep down, we will always be the best of friends because we shared those first experiences.

Don't worry about it mate, your still young, still plenty of fishing to do in your life before you find that special one.

this is a tricky area- based on what you said I have a few scenarios (these are my opinions, and may not be the case)

1: This is an attempt to see how devoted you are to her- she may want to see if you will wait for her or if you say "forget you" and go find a different person.

Possible effects to #1: You find someone else, and she either suddenly gets upset or comes back on you angry because you went with someone (even though she said to move on)
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2. She needs some alone time- the phrase "you never know how much you miss them till their gone" applies to this. She could be testing how much she would miss you when you aren't there.

Possible Effects to #2- she comes back, or she doesn't.
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3. Feel to much like "family"- I've noticed this in some of my friends. They knew each other a long time, but stopped going as a couple because one of them considered the other too much like a family member.

if that's the case, the reason she would separate is because it feels like she is going out with a family member, and it feels wrong.
--------------------------------------------

4. trying to break up- she could be trying to break up with you for whatever reason. This could be because of another lover, or that they get bored easily with the same person. Again, I know of people that need to "keep moving" otherwise they get bored with who they are (or what they do).

-----------------------------

5. It COULD by a psychology experiment- if you've seen Anger Management , the characters in the movie actually fake a "break up". Sometimes this is even recommended for people that are having a hard time in their relationships.

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In general, I wouldn't wait for her...I tried to do so for mine, and I think a part of me is still waiting. The difference is that my EX gave me the "lets stay really really close friends" deal. (I see no difference from being that and being a couple). Going on about a year now-we're still friends.


Now, if it was you that had the idea "we'll be back together again", I would've said to lose the thought because that is a typical recall reflex. This is confusing, because she is the one breaking it off and yet saying "we'll be back". I usually hear "we'll be back" from the person being left (in this case...you).


Finally, I would listen to her, and move on...don't rush to get another girlfriend, but if you do...and she comes back expecting you to be waiting for her...you will have a choice to make (I'm in a similar situation- and knowing my luck my EX will come back like a ghost from my past just when I find someone)

Best wishes- fossilera

I see two possibilities here.

The first being "If you love something set it ...free..."
The other is she wants to give each of you the opportunity to experience life A little.

The reality of this situation appears to be that she wants to move on now and leave the door open for the future.That could be a bad thing for both of you.

I can pretty much tell you that this situation will not work out well and one or both of you will end up suffering for it.

Communication is an important part of any relationship and it appears that your confused about as to why this is happening.

To me, A relationship is two people working TOGETHER to foster A future together. The relationship that just ended is over. It will never be as it was again. You will need to make a NEW commitment. An adult one this time.

If your not happy with this situation,express that to her. If you can't come to A mutual understanding, then move on. If you find someone else during this break,foster THAT relationship instead. Do not end that relationship for her. I also suggest if she wants to come back after you or her get involved in an exclusive relationship with someone else, that you seriously sit down and define the relationship as best as you can. You may end up the fall back guy and it would relate to her making you an object of control. You will suffer greatly if that should happen.

She just might be ending your relationship because she thinks that what you want. Maybe she values the relationship you had and doesn't want it tainted by having you do something foolish. That chapter has ended ,time for A new chapter. If there is somebody else in the works for her you'll find out soon enough

[edit on 1-10-2009 by The Utopian Penguin]

I think she loves you but wants to test the waters.

Sorry, but she doesn't want to have the same ol cookie syndrome.

She doesn't want to go the rest of her life only having one kind of cookie. She wants to try other cookies, but knows your the best cookie.

But basically she knows that she will never know that your the best cookie till she tries the other cookies.

Move on. If it was meant to be you guys will get back together. I have a friend that married her former bff and they were broken up 10 years! We all knew it would happen.

She didn't mention she was even dating him again, much less couldn't figure out why were were not even surprised when she mentioned they were engaged.

We just "knew" they would happen.

You have to be in the right emotional spot to know if you can spend the rest of your life with someone. And you don't know it at 16.

I know you are aching with grief right now. I know it sucks and I feel for you. Heart break is awful!

You can't sleep, you can't eat. YOu obsess. YOu wanna call them every second.

Let the grief happen. Work through it. But know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and you WILL get over it.Though it seems you never will.


Just take care of yourself right now. Keep busy, get a new hobby, hang out with friends, be a good teenager.

Though from your perspective it is hard to believe, you will realize later on this was the best thing for you.

Move on mate

If you two were mean to be together you will cross paths again, and if somethings there...then it will happen.

But for now, go an expereicnec life.

Thanks everyone I realy appreciate the help. Its been 3 weeks we are broken up now and 2 weeks since ive talked to her and I wont be talking to her anytime soon (i will not initiate anything, it would have to be her). Even if she ever does contact me, we will never be friends wile broken up, I do know that. I guess what hurts me the most is 2 things.

1) having someone with me for over 5 years and now their just not there anymore at al. Just on habits alone its hard, but we also had a great relationship.

2) Because she ended saying "i know we will get back and marriage and all" as oppose to "i dont like you like that anymore" which is how break ups usually happen, it bothers me knowing that if i ever do get back with her, she would have been with other guys. I know any girl i meet at 21 would have been with some other the guy, but i guess because i would have been with her before and then got back, its tough to swallow.

Please if anyone else has any advice on my story or these two extra things i just mentioned please post it. Im still having a hard time focusing and im in school so i need to be able to focus. Also, if people have storys of people they know who have broken up and got back together where it worked it didnt, please tell me those stories they help. Thank you all soo much this is helping.

Originally posted by Brent08
1) having someone with me for over 5 years and now their just not there anymore at al. Just on habits alone its hard, but we also had a great relationship.

Well its time to take some initiative and do things for yourself. Its not a bad thing, and if you can cope with this, then you will be fine

2) Because she ended saying "i know we will get back and marriage and all" as oppose to "i dont like you like that anymore" which is how break ups usually happen, it bothers me knowing that if i ever do get back with her, she would have been with other guys. I know any girl i meet at 21 would have been with some other the guy, but i guess because i would have been with her before and then got back, its tough to swallow.

Dont let it bother you. Go out and have some fun.....maybe even have sex with another girl, with no strings. If she's been with other guys, why should it matter...you have the freedom to do what you want now, so dont dwell on this and get out and have some fun!

reply to post by Brent08


As men, we will continually be at odds with our woman's history. Its programmed into some of us to feel sick about it. Its just the way it is. Time helps a lot, so keep the chin up.

I've been through the same thing as you are right now very recently. I got with my ex when I was about your age, and she ended it 2 months ago. More maybe? Whatever, doesn't matter.

Bottom line is, the person you know might not be there anymore. She might have acted the same, but her feelings are different. Don't try to change her back into the person you need her to be.

It is my opinion that women can choose logic over love much easier than men can. Don't worry about her when you don't need to. Its gonna be tough (its still hard for me) but she isn't worth your time anymore.

You feeling about her being with other guys might be unfair, as you two are young and need to experience life, but you are entirely within your rights to feel that way without people telling you otherwise. I'm the same way, and I did care when she jumped in someone else's bed within the first month. I will never look at her the same for that, so in a year when she inevitably comes back to ask me back, I will do nothing but shake my head and want nothing to do with her.

Don't worry dude. If you need someone to talk to don't hesitate to hit the u2u button. It happens to everyone, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.

For now, get out there and find another girl who can handle a conversation and has her sh** together.