I am also schizophrenic paranoidly and want to talk

reply to post by DrMattMaddix


I am ashamed because I have ruined myself through humiliating myself through and in front of people I don't know. maybe I'm just stupid. idk.

I guess I should go into full detail though because besides telling my mom about things I'm ashamed of I have never spoken about it another soul ever.

Ok. This goes way back to when I was very young, 5 or so and involves an altercation with a family member, my little sister Eva. I remember seeing myself smother her going on top of her and trying to make out with her. After which she told my Dad and he said not to do that ever again to which I repsonded. I promise I won't. From what I can remember this was completely voluntary.

The next event occurred at work when I was losing my mind from being around strange people who didn't want to know me and masterbating in the toilets frequently to which I had no shame because I thought the whole thing was made up of lies and forced humor.

Next it's a day before my birthday, the year is 1999 and I'm watching TV. This is while I had same job as previous event. I was sitting on the couch watching the video clip Pearl Jam - Worldwide Suicide without realizing it and suddenly masterbating in the toilets at work came into my head. My Dog Bogart was sitting next to me and began to lick himself. Anyway I won't go into detail about what happens next.

Ok. It gets worse. In the following months up to about March 2000 I was in a very transient state and had begun experimenting with my sexuallity. I had decided that what had transpired between my pet and I must mean that I am a fag. So I went and picked up a fag and well you know. I didn't like it for one minute and had officially decided that it wasn't ever going to happen ever again.

Worse again. Later after a couple months in my depression and transience I decided to fornicate and an old abandoned train station which I knew wasn't picking up any passengers. Needless to say this has what has affected me the most, but before that the shame of animal cruilty was always prevelent.

Wow. I did it. you all know now. I hope that it doesn't start a war of paranoia and doesn't lead to affect me in any other way other than personal prefernce. Although these things have transpired I look at it as though I wasn't in my body at that time and it's not something that I would choose to do right now. Although remmebering it, none of it was actually violent. So it goes. Some say suicide is the only prefernce, but I say Milk It is the only way to go. So goodbye to any future of any kinf of prosperity and hello to "eternal darkness" which because psychic Adelaide has judged me mentally ill I can no longer mention "without" interupting any kind of mentally stability that those around me can muster up in my presense.

I don't know if it matters or not, I've actually stopped taking medication which my mom doesn't know about ( I hide the pill in my upper lip), but doing so save up all of the pills to take them all at once. So far doing so has inflicted a kind of emotional disciplinary torment on myself which so far has given me enough mental stability and confidence to wake up to the world a bit and realize that maybe I'm "sort of" not all that alone.

Please forgive me God. I do want to go to Heaven. I really don't know why I did these horrible things to everyone. As lon as I know I'm here I will always fight against it. You give me the power my God. And I will give you the Glory.

[edit on 9/4/2009 by FT1980]

Hi there...some thoughts on this:

Everything is connected, but some things lie closer together on the infinite mesh of interconnectedness than others. This is the case with schizophrenia and what is called enlightenment. They are two manifestations of the same phenomenon. In both cases the mind has come to the end of conventional thought. There are two possible reactions to this. The first is to let go of the mind and the ego. The other is to try to maintain the mind and ego in the face of the infinite, which is dangerous.

Thought is limited. What the mind can know is limited. What can be known is infinite. When something limited comes up against something infinite, it reveals itself as being infinitely small. Some people, for whatever reason, have an experience of this infinity, this nothingness out of which all manifestation springs. When that happens, their consciousness undergoes a revolution. This is what happened to Jesus, to the Buddha, and to a great many more people who we have never heard of. This is also what happens to what we call schizophrenics, although their consciousnesses are prevented from undergoing the same revolution due mainly to fear. They are afraid—and this is not a judgement of them—of letting go of their egos, of their thoughts, and of falling back into that infinite nothingness that they have become aware of. Of course, it is impossible to try to figure out infinity, and to carry the ego into infinity.

This analogy might help. Imagine you have been born and raised in an empty reservoir. In this reservoir, where you have spent all your life, you have gradually filled up a large bag with pebbles. You have loved finding and examining every one of these pebbles. They are your treasures, and you have put each one of them in your bag for safekeeping. Over time you have come to associate completely with this collection of pebbles. This bag of little stones has become your identity. It is all that you know of yourself. Then one day, when your bag has filled up and become rather heavy, water begins to fill up the reservoir. First it is an inch high, then two, then three. Gradually the water level rises. You are of course alarmed. You have never seen this liquid substance before, and now it is inundating you. You clutch your bag to protect it from the rising torrent of water. Soon the water has reached your neck, and you have become very frightened. Now something inside you, some infinitely distant inner voice, tells you that you must let go of your bag of stones in order to swim and not drown. What, let go of your stones! What does that even mean? You are your stones. If you let go of them you will be nothing. It’s almost better to drown than let that happen. Now here we have come to the deciding moment. You can put down the bag of stones and swim, or you can hold onto it and flounder. The bag is your identity, your thoughts, everything that you believe makes you who you are. The bag is your separateness. You cannot keep it, yet many try to.

If you try to maintain your ego—which is all about division, creating objects out of the word for the subject that you are to interact with—then you are going to be overcome with fear. It will seem like infinity itself is lining up in opposition to you. Everyone will seem to be out to get you. Everything will seem to relate to you. Fear is the result of this.

So what happens if you let go of the bag? You become what you are in essence, which is what Jesus was in essence—pure love. You are that which has always been aware of your thoughts, of your ego. You become the swimmer instead of the bag of stones.

What happens then? The thoughts will still come, and some of them will be very strange indeed, and will seem absolutely correct. You may want to cling onto them. If you simply let them arise and do not grasp them, they will go back to where they came from. Now you will begin to see what is, you will apprehend reality in all its glory. I assure you, when you see reality, thoughts will become laughably small in your awareness.

Letting to is the answer. Once the filter through which the world is seen falls away (that filter is your conception of yourself), you are free to see the world as it is. Holding onto ego in the face of the infinite is, I am sure, the reason for schizophrenia. What awaits you when you let go is complete and natural sanity. What we call sanity today has nothing in common with it.

I'm not saying the strange thoughts will not still come, you will just see them for the dust and wind that they are.

It happens on its own through direct realization. The more clearly you see the infinitely small nature of your thoughts--no matter how strange and compelling--the easier it is to let them just be and then be on their way. Do not seek to get rid of thought, do not position yourself against thought, try to suppress it, squash it, etc. Thought is a natural aspect of this experience we are all having, but clinging to it and making sandcastles out of that thought is not. Thought is not your enemy. Instead, realize the unreality of your thoughts and relax. Let the rest take care of itself. It will.

Fear of the loony bin is a very comon thing...I've had it many times. But when we realize that what we call "insanity" and "sanity" are both though-based states, concepts, ideas, unrealities, we see more clearly that there is nothing to be afraid of. Really, what you fear is only yourself, your true nature, which is nothing other than an infinite expanse of love. You are not unkind, or evil, or devious, or a killer, or anything which can be pointed to only by categorizing the world and carving it up into individual thoughts. You are much much more than that. As long as you are not buying into more thought, you are moving towards what is, and there is nothing to fear in that.

Connecting the dots as a compulsive behaviour is indeed an important aspect of the schizophrenic's experience. The search for the real, the underlying essence. The problem is that this cannot be found by stringing concepts together with cause and effect strings (connecting the dots). You have a looking glass onto the infinite nature of existence. Why you have it, I don't know. But connecting the dots through infinity, where meaning is maleable, where everything is possible, where everything bleeds into everything else, is a futile and dangerous pursuit. Perhaps look at why you do this compulsively (yes we can point to neurological influences), but there is a reason you feel you must do this. I would say that you have glimpsed something very profound, the ultimate thing, and yet you do not realize yet that that ultimatel reality cannot be held and manipulated by thought. All you can do is stand in it, be present with it, and know that your mind cannot touch it. When you know this in your very core, it is the deepest realization you can have. Then the mind no longer has an engine to drive it.

I myself still have thoughts like the ones you describe all the time, and there are still moments when I get carried away by them. But the time it takes me to realize that I have been carried away by them is less than it has ever been. To be carried away by a thought requires your active participation, and there is a feeling of "making an effort" that you can actually sense. With enought time, this feeling to trying to think your way into infinity, of making an effort, may itself become an alarm that wakes you up and out of it.

You are indeed the master of your universe, but don't get wrapped up in the concept of mastery, or you, or universe. Know only that you are in control

Originally posted by Hazelnut

Originally posted by FT1980

Please feel free to speculate on anything about being mentally ill and what ramafications this has on the present state of the earth.

Until you brought it up I had never considered the implications of mental illness as a factor in the present state of the earth. Interesting thought. I would like to hear your speculation on that. Personally, I don't believe there is such thing as mental illness. My take is that everyone is an individual aspect of the whole and no one has the power and authority to "label" anyone else. There is no such thing as "normal". Being different is a blessing IMHO. Thinking and reasoning and perceiving the world we find ourselves in is a personal adventure and valid. No one is right, no one is wrong. We (the living) make up the entire box of crayons in all of our glorious colors (auras?).

Tom, is that you?

I'm all for individuality and being different is okay, I would even encourage it, but saying there is no such thing as mental illness is a pretty far out concept- unfortunately there are insane people in our world and yes we can label them- are you trying to tell me that the guy down the road that just raped and murdered that little girl isn't wrong in his actions? because if you are- I wouldn't believe you and dare I said it- you would be wrong.

Do you have kids? what would you say if someone murdered one of them? that that's okay? that they weren't in the wrong?

reply to post by FT1980


I, for one do not appreciate the word "MENTAL" I think this is a very bad word to call someone especially if they are not really 'MENTAL' I also dislike the word "PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC" as this implies you are "MENTAL" or "MENTALLY INSANE" there are many people categorised as such who aren't either of these... they just have a "DISORDER" so i prefer to use the word "DISORDER" unless the person is in a total state of "MOROSE BEHAVIOUR" or "EXTREMELY INSANE" and in a "MENTAL ASYLUM" then he/she can be called "MENTAL" or "PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC" or a combination of both "MENTALLY PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC". However if the said "MENTAL" person is out on the streets and able to live a perfectly "NORMAL" life then that person should not be labelled as such... moreover he/she should be labelled as having a "DISORDER" not be labelled "MENTAL" or "PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENIC" . I shall tell you why.... because when you read/hear about "SCHIZOPHRENICS" or "PARANOID SCHIZOPHRENICS" they are usually in a bad light! One has killed someone else or one has eaten the other ones fingers/head etc etc.... These people are "MENTALLY INSANE" and i don't think people living in relative normality should be labelled the same as..... maybe the singular "SCHIZOPHRENIC" isn't too bad a word to describe someone as such as long as it is said with some kind of "NORMALITY" and not said in a way which could be interpreted to mean he/she is "INSANE" or "MENTAL"

Just my 2 cents worth

reply to post by FT1980


same as above... accidently hit the reply button twice


[edit on 4-9-2009 by TruthxIsxInxThexMist]

Oh Lordy, you had to ask didnt you DrMatt

OP, I cant stress enough that you should be taking your meds, you did it with your dog- enuff said.

[edit on 4-9-2009 by lifecitizen]

whoops error,

double post

[edit on 4-9-2009 by lifecitizen]

The thing is, when I was young I wanted to be with God, then I had a grey area in my life which lastest a few years which I cannot even recall trying hard enough, then it's now and I want to be with God again. Even though of my actions it "may" not even be possible. Still the feeling is there, it's strong and it drives me through everything in my way right now.

Originally posted by lifecitizen

Tom, is that you?

I'm all for individuality and being different is okay, I would even encourage it, but saying there is no such thing as mental illness is a pretty far out concept- unfortunately there are insane people in our world and yes we can label them- are you trying to tell me that the guy down the road that just raped and murdered that little girl isn't wrong in his actions? because if you are- I wouldn't believe you and dare I said it- you would be wrong.

Do you have kids? what would you say if someone murdered one of them? that that's okay? that they weren't in the wrong?

You see where you went wrong in this post is when you put your meaning to my thoughts.

I didn't say anything about right and wrong. I said that no one has the right or authority to put labels on anyone else. Clearly, undisputibly you understand things differently. No problem.

If I was talking about right and wrong then your response would be appropriate, but I wasn't.

Everyone decides for themselves which actions to take or not take despite what society dictates. If I were to attack your inability to read what I wrote and discern the difference between your interpretation and my meaning, one of us would be on the short end of the stick.

If you choose to cause harm to another human being in any way shape or form there are established punishments dictated by society that seekss to secure everyone's freedom to be who they are - within limits.

In your example, someone causing harm to me or my children deserves punishment. But that discussion would be related to right and wrong, not mental illness. Mental illness is a derogatory term associated with thoughts and actions that fall outside societal expectations.

You and I may have similar morals and ethics, but clearly we do not think the same way. So which of us is "mentally ill"? Neither. We have entirely different perspectives which lead us to make choices about our actions or inactions.

In my perspective, we are all responsible for our actions despite our difference in thinking patterns. If you do wrong, you should be punished. It doesn't matter what mental disfunction is placed on you and your actions.

Mental illness is a label applied to people who don't respond according to "society's standards". And it is also a relatively new medical field in which the "professional" are at odds with each other as to what types of behaviors and thoughts should be unified into a "label". They make lots of money from this, rarely helping the "sufferer" in any tangible way without prescribing medications (another huge money-grabbing monopoly) that have been proven to exacerbate "diagnosed conditions" instead of helping.

And for clarification, this is what I said:

Until you brought it up I had never considered the implications of mental illness as a factor in the present state of the earth. Interesting thought. I would like to hear your speculation on that. Personally, I don't believe there is such thing as mental illness. My take is that everyone is an individual aspect of the whole and no one has the power and authority to "label" anyone else. There is no such thing as "normal". Being different is a blessing IMHO. Thinking and reasoning and perceiving the world we find ourselves in is a personal adventure and valid. No one is right, no one is wrong. We (the living) make up the entire box of crayons in all of our glorious colors (auras?).

I didn't say anything about right and wrong

Er, yes you did, you said

'No one is right, no one is wrong'

Mental illness is a label applied to people who don't respond according to "society's standards
They make lots of money from this, rarely helping the "sufferer" in any tangible way without prescribing medications (another huge money-grabbing monopoly) that have been proven to exacerbate "diagnosed conditions" instead of helping.

I can agree somewhat that mental illness is a label applied to people that dont meet societies standards- being insane and having a mental illness are two different things but both are real and exist
I'm aware that some meds that are prescribed for garden variety depression can actually heighten suicidal tendancies but in the case of paranoid schizophrenics and the like, meds can be the difference between that person harming themselves, or others and are paramount in said persons well being.

I understand pharmacuetical companies dont have peoples best interests at heart but some medicines are needed whichever way you look at it.

reply to post by lifecitizen


Here you go, its a brand new thread on a Psychology Today article. www.abovetopsecret.com...

It should be interesting!

Yeah sorry Hazelnut, you lost me in your last post when you said you didn't mention right or wrong and went on to clarify it for me quoting yourself where you said it- lol

reply to post by lifecitizen


If you want to get into a discussion about right and wrong, I'll participate in the thread after you start it. I could be wrong (he he) but I think this thread is about a person who is reaching out for attention and wants to discuss his/her thoughts. I would hate to alienate someone before I knew for sure they were harming themselves or others, wouldn't you?

Peace.

reply to post by FT1980


Sorry, but I know a phony when I read one. I know what a schizophrenic sounds like, I am the great plucky...and although I am not crazy, I can be crazy, as I can identify with persons whom are crazy, which is part skill part curse on my part. So, fess up, you really aren't crazy.

reply to post by FT1980


If you are sorry for what you did and truly mean it, there is hope for you. If you realize that some of the things you did were harmful, don't do them anymore and you won't feel so bad. If you have harmed someone, try to rectify the situation if you can. Forgive yourself and move on, make better choices.

I see my post was a total waste of effort!!!!

This whole thread needs to be deleted, if not for the pure disgusting pointlessness, then for the hate speech.

If it weren't an extreme violation of the tos, I would happily offer up a very specific "remedy" to the OP, yuck.

reply to post by Hazelnut


Thankyou. I am really sorry and I know I will die for what happened in my time as an inexperienced adult. I don't know what else to say. I guess when I know that I will get to heaven when I get there everyone else better begone because I'll f**king k**l t**m otherwise^^