girlfriend doesnt want kids... i do

i know the obvious answer is, get out of the relationship. but i figured i would see if any one thought my situation might change things.

i am 24, she is 22. we have been together for 4 years and she is my best friend. nether of us were really wanting a relationship but once we started hangin out we were inceprible. although it was only 2 years ago we started living together for real, we have actually been living together since the first week we have been together. since the begining we just dont go anywhere without the other. the first week she ended up fallin asleep at my place watchin movies.. and we used that as an excuse for a few weeks, but after that it just kinda stayed that way. i ended up moving out of state 2 years in and she came with, we got an apartment together and i really cant imagine not having her around. she is the coolest girl i have ever met, and loosin her would ruin me for a while...

so here is where it gets bad. i despritly want kids, she says that she doesnt. not even adopted kids. i have, since i was younger, really felt the need to be a parent, im great with kids and am very confident i would make an awsome dad. she says she has never been intrested in having them.. i know she is still young so i can always hope eventually she will want kids later but i will really feel horrible never raising a kid(s), they dont even have to be hers, im cool with adoption... yeah, anyways. the situation is.. i dont want to live without her, i dont want to live without kids... any thoughts would be great

oh and to add, the reason i ask now. i have been in thailand 3 months for some training, she is back in the u.s. this is the first time we have been apart and it has really put things into perspective for the both of us, neither of us want to be away from the other like this again. i am thinkin possible marriage soon if i ge through this problem. she wants it as well. which is crazy, thinking back i thought i would never want to get married

reply to post by srslyguyz


I'm not super good at these things, but I would go out on a limb and say maybe you should try out marriage before you even start thinking about kids. Both of you have the possibility of changing your minds once your relationship status changes and personal growth happens.

...from what I've read,you should wait 2 years 3 weeks 5 days 7 hours and 9 minutes and ask again if she wants to have kids...

oh... and use that time to get married first.

I think you got the order mixed up

1.engaged
2.married
3. kids

That will be all

reply to post by srslyguyz


You were in Thailand for 3 months and you came back missing the relationship?

lol, you must have been to a different Thailand than the one I went to.

In all seriousness ...

so here is where it gets bad. i despritly want kids, she says that she doesnt. not even adopted kids. i have, since i was younger, really felt the need to be a parent, im great with kids and am very confident i would make an awsome dad.

Ok there are a couple of alarm bells ringing for me here ...

First of all, no one should ever have to convince another person to have children. The worse thing that can happen is that you actually succeed and the other person ends up resenting you, the child, and the life they now see themselves stuck with. And it's the child that will feel most of the brunt of all that ... and it can't be undone.

Second, you should really ask yourself why you have this "need." Having a child because you want or need one to be happy or complete is a clear indication of something lacking in your life that you are trying to remedy with the wrong answer. If it is a need or want it means that it is about you, and no relationship should ever be based on that, never mind bringing a child into this world. If a child is needed to fulfill you, you will inevitably be disappointed as it will not address what is really lacking within you. And once again the child will bear the brunt of that dynamic.

I'm not saying any of this to be harsh and I hope it doesn't come off that way. I have simply seen way to many children born to satisfy needs and wants of the parents, and it simply results in suffering for all involved.

I have no advice as to what you should do going forward but I urge you to look within for the answers you seek rather that without. Lest your peace and happiness lie in the illusion where most people think their happiness lies ... namely one addition away from them ... be it a child, a bigger house, a wife, a dog, a nicer car, etc. If such is one's disposition everything is always one step away from them no matter what they keep adding.

[edit on 26 Aug 2009 by schrodingers dog]

Originally posted by ravenshadow13
reply to post by srslyguyz

 

I'm not super good at these things, but I would go out on a limb and say maybe you should try out marriage before you even start thinking about kids. Both of you have the possibility of changing your minds once your relationship status changes and personal growth happens.

the reason i think i need to get things figured out before merriage is this is potentially a relationship ending situation. im not sure i can be with some one who will never want kids, but the issue is i dont want to be without her either... im aware i cant have everything i want in this life time but having neither or only one of these two things would be pretty awful

Originally posted by schrodingers dog
reply to post by srslyguyz

 

You were in Thailand for 3 months and you came back missing the relationship?

lol, you must have been to a different Thailand than the one I went to.

In all seriousness ...

so here is where it gets bad. i despritly want kids, she says that she doesnt. not even adopted kids. i have, since i was younger, really felt the need to be a parent, im great with kids and am very confident i would make an awsome dad.

Ok there are a couple of alarm bells ringing for me here ...

First of all, no one should ever have to convince another person to have children. The worse thing that can happen is that you actually succeed and the other person ends up resenting you, the child, and the life they now see themselves stuck with. And it's the child that will feel most of the brunt of all that ... and it can't be undone.

Second, you should really ask yourself why you have this "need." Having a child because you want or need one to be happy or complete is a clear indication of something lacking in your life that you are trying to remedy with the wrong answer. If it is a need or want it means that it is about you, and no relationship should ever be based on that, never mind bringing a child into this world. If a child is needed to fulfill you, you will inevitably be disappointed as it will not address what is really lacking within you. And once again the child will bear the brunt of that dynamic.

I'm not saying any of this to be harsh and I hope it doesn't come off that way. I have simply seen way to many children born to satisfy needs and wants of the parents, and it simply results in suffering for all involved.

I have no advice as to what you should do going forward but I urge you to look within for the answers you seek rather that without. Lest your peace and happiness lie in the illusion where most people think their happiness lies ... namely one addition away from them ... be it a child, a bigger house, a wife, a dog, a nicer car, etc. If such is one's disposition everything is always one step away from them no matter what they keep adding.

[edit on 26 Aug 2009 by schrodingers dog]

oh, im sure its the same thailand. i seem to be the only guy i know who is still in a relationship or who isnt cheating, ha.. its been very tempting but i have a pretty guilty concience which seems unheard of in what i do.

as far as the reason i want kids, there are some selfish and unselfish aspects, im very self aware and know why i make most decisions.

the unselfish: i see so many kids with parents who dont deserve there kids. people with no patience, people who abuse or neglect there kids or people who just clearly dont like the responsibilty. i know i have a lot to offer kids. i have always loved havin kids around, i come from a huge family and always like bein around them. im patient, accepting and know how to deal with kids.

as far as kids fixing something inside me, i know thats not possible. i just feel for some reason im supposed to be a father. i dont believe in fate, or anything like that. being a father just seems right for me.

[edit on 27-8-2009 by srslyguyz]

I got married at 24 and didn't want kids at all. By the time we were married for two years, I had baby fever so badly that I couldn't even see an infant or toddler without bursting into tears. I've never regretted having them and in fact it's only been in the past couple of years that the baby fever subsided (and I'm menopausal!). I would have had a baby every couple of years, given my druthers. But equally, I could have lived without them if I hadn't been driven by the hormonal storm. Oddly, I'm not looking forward to being a grandmother at some point. I wonder if that too will change.

However, my sister-in-law has a Master's in Pedagogy and until recently was an elementary school teacher (all teachers need a Master's here). She always knew that she wanted a family. Her first marriage was a dismal failure. She remarried and had three children. When she had them, she dumped them for extended periods at her parents' house rather too frequently and used to comment to me that she understands how some parents can kill their infants. Now, she works and works and works. Her youngest is 5 and calls her uncle and grandmother pretty frequently because she's bored at home - her two brothers ignore her; she's just a girl, you know. Their family encourages stereotypes.

I state this not in any criticism of her nor anyone else who feels this way. I only want to illustrate that things are not always what we imagine them to be at any given point. I suggest you do as others have suggested and look into your heart to find out why you want children. You don't know which of the two sorts - or any of the other myriad alternatives - you might be.

Originally posted by CosmicEgg
I got married at 24 and didn't want kids at all. By the time we were married for two years, I had baby fever so badly that I couldn't even see an infant or toddler without bursting into tears. I've never regretted having them and in fact it's only been in the past couple of years that the baby fever subsided (and I'm menopausal!). I would have had a baby every couple of years, given my druthers. But equally, I could have lived without them if I hadn't been driven by the hormonal storm. Oddly, I'm not looking forward to being a grandmother at some point. I wonder if that too will change.

However, my sister-in-law has a Master's in Pedagogy and until recently was an elementary school teacher (all teachers need a Master's here). She always knew that she wanted a family. Her first marriage was a dismal failure. She remarried and had three children. When she had them, she dumped them for extended periods at her parents' house rather too frequently and used to comment to me that she understands how some parents can kill their infants. Now, she works and works and works. Her youngest is 5 and calls her uncle and grandmother pretty frequently because she's bored at home - her two brothers ignore her; she's just a girl, you know. Their family encourages stereotypes.

I state this not in any criticism of her nor anyone else who feels this way. I only want to illustrate that things are not always what we imagine them to be at any given point. I suggest you do as others have suggested and look into your heart to find out why you want children. You don't know which of the two sorts - or any of the other myriad alternatives - you might be.

i have a question, as you were growing up, how did you feel about kids? did you grow up wanting them and then when you got older you changed your mind for a bit or did you not really want them unitl later on? my girl as far as i know, has never wanted kids. im glad you wrote though, you have given me some hope. its strange but i feel kinda like you did when you started wanting kids. i see them and i get kinda emotional. which i wouldnt share with any one. i dono, its semi out of place. my full time job is training/soon to be competing mma and muay thai. so, haha.. i dont really share that with any one. as far as your sister in law, i dont see myself having that issue. but i wont dismiss it either. i have always had a lot of kids around me and always have an endless amount of patience and love for them. as i get older(not sayin im older) the feelings increase... but yes anything is possible. i really apreciate your pov, thank you

reply to post by srslyguyz


In answer to your question, I really never wanted kids. I didn't feel loved by my parents so I didn't trust automatically that I would be different to them. You know how it is: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. But I also didn't want a lifetime commitment to them or anyone/anything else. Maybe it was just the whole thing about how hard it is to be a kid and I think I didn't want to put anyone else through that. Being a kid is pretty messed up. It was bad then but worse now. Your gf might just be cognizant of this.

I still don't understand how it happened, how the desire for a child became so unbearably strong. I see how kids are wonderful and all, and I have seen how astoundingly brilliant it is to be a parent and to forge a strong, loving relationship with your children.

You have to look at your life path to decide what's right for you. Do your lessons lie in being a parent? Do they lie in other areas more heavily? Parenthood isn't right for everyone and that's in no way condemnation! I never would have expected my sister-in-law to have the reaction she did to her motherhood. But then, I wouldn't have expected to have such great relationships with my kids, given my own childhood.

There is also some underlying reason why you want children and an underlying reason why your gf doesn't. Why don't you both do some soul searching and find out those reasons before you start down any road, either together or separate.

Originally posted by CosmicEgg
reply to post by srslyguyz

 

In answer to your question, I really never wanted kids. I didn't feel loved by my parents so I didn't trust automatically that I would be different to them. You know how it is: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. But I also didn't want a lifetime commitment to them or anyone/anything else. Maybe it was just the whole thing about how hard it is to be a kid and I think I didn't want to put anyone else through that. Being a kid is pretty messed up. It was bad then but worse now. Your gf might just be cognizant of this.

I still don't understand how it happened, how the desire for a child became so unbearably strong. I see how kids are wonderful and all, and I have seen how astoundingly brilliant it is to be a parent and to forge a strong, loving relationship with your children.

You have to look at your life path to decide what's right for you. Do your lessons lie in being a parent? Do they lie in other areas more heavily? Parenthood isn't right for everyone and that's in no way condemnation! I never would have expected my sister-in-law to have the reaction she did to her motherhood. But then, I wouldn't have expected to have such great relationships with my kids, given my own childhood.

There is also some underlying reason why you want children and an underlying reason why your gf doesn't. Why don't you both do some soul searching and find out those reasons before you start down any road, either together or separate.

your situation and my girls situation sound identical thus far... you have given me some hope! i apreciate you sharin your story with me, im feelin a little bit more comfortable with waitin it out for a bit. the desire you talk about is one i can relate to. i dont understand where it came from, i mean.. i have always wanted kids, but as of the last month it has really been on my mind, not sure if thats normal for a guy but i really feel the need to kinda settle down get married and have some kids... if you would have asked me a year ago i would have said i would never be married. as far as sitting down and having a discussion about what we want out of life i agree. she has been hinting at wanting to get married the last year, and i was thinking about propsing in the near future.. but i think that talk should come first, thank you

reply to post by srslyguyz


Very happy to help. It's not something one should rush headlong into unless you have already cleared the field. Marriage and children can be a blissful haven, or it can be a living hell. You can always walk away from your spouse if things don't work out. You can't both keep the kids though. And if one feels limited by them and their life is soured by it, the whole family suffers. Think about the effects right down the line.

My aunt wouldn't have children with my uncle. The both opted for careers instead. Both are computer analysts. My uncle is too cold and intolerant to be a good father. My aunt made the choice and although she may have liked to have at least one child, she found that her life was fulfilled in other ways. Offspring are only right when they're really right. Don't be afraid of other ways.

As for marriage, it's the same. Marriage is on paper. You can live with someone just as well. Just look at things and really discover why you really want x, y, or z.

My advice is:
go ahead and get married if that is what your gut is tellin you to do. Later down the road children can be decided, after all she is only 22. You sound pretty mature for 24 but maybe she just isn't mature enough - and, babies take over when they are born. You no longer have the same life as you do now, it all changes very much with children. A lot of my classmates had their children from 18 to 24, when they were 40 their children were grown and all their young life they spent raising their children. I was 29 (first child) and 34 when I had my last child and when I was 40 I had a 6 year old. I really think I enjoyed my children more having them later in life. The 20s are such youthful years, I would savor them. You probably don't realize how aging changes your perspective on life, but you will.

The best advice is:
Do what you can live with.

22 is kinda young to know if you want kids or not.

women tend to get the urge at around 25 or so.

I used to not want children. Wanted to be a career woman!

Then I met the man who would be a good father, and I wanted kids.

sometimes people just dont' want kids because the chemistry isn't right. When you really love someone, you wanna start a family. Unless your the type who really, really isn't the kind to want kids. Even then, I have seen them change their mind when they get older.

When people choose a mate. They always look for a companion of a lifetime, and they should. BUT

what many don't consider, and should; is how is this person going to be as a parent. When parenting comes, many issues arise. If you can't agree on parenting styles, it can really hurt your marriage.

You know the answer to this. If she is not ready for a family(your bit on the younger side yourself) then I would say the chemistry is not conclusive to start a family.

Piece of advice. Every relationship starts off where people can't get enough of each other. Then it dies down and you don't have that obsession anymore. (most people miss it, I can't stand it) and it always ends. No relationship stays like that. It is just nature's chemistry to make you have kids. But it turns into a deeper, less controling, but more stable love.

Relationships will fail if you think that the early in-love obsession should continue. But it can't, and won't. Accept that fact and be prepared for the, more mature, but less obsessed stage.

To the OP, remember that at the end of the day, she is the one who will have the kids. She will carry them and she will give birth. If she feels she not up to that, then you cannot influence her decision. It would be very unfair of you to do so.

We men often forget what an endeavour it really is for women to bear children.

My best friend and my sister both never wanted kids their entire lives well my bf got married and now she has two kids and couldnt be happier. I even tease her still about how she had kids before me! My sister has a 3 year old now and she is happy. She never wanted kids and she doesnt want to get married. She likes things the way they are. You are still young and so is she, your gf. I am 30 and my bf didnt have her first kid until she was 32. I go back forth on this subject with my boyfriend because he has a son already and I dont have any kids and I would love to have one of my own. He knows I feel this way and I dont push it. He says if it happens it happens and he has even mentioned adoption which made me run the cart into a display in Wal-Mart...lol I never thought he would even mention adoption let alone suggest it. I was in shock to say the least and I havent mentioned it since.
I would wait a few years, maybe get married and settle into married life and then see what happens. I still think you are young and so is she, she very well might change her mind when that clock starts ticking Good luck!

Before you go ahead with a marriage, you have to decide if the no children thing is or is not a deal breaker for you. It sounds like it is.

Need to have a real honest discussion with her. Is she saying no children now or is she saying no children - ever.

If it is no children ever, then you need to get out of the relationship. Take an emotional rest for a year or so by just going out with friends and dating around for a while.

Then go looking for someone who wants the same things out of life as you do.

But do, please do things in the right order of marriage first, then children.

Yes, it is quite possible that she will change her mind in 10 years, but do you want to wait ten years to have children or are you thinking in terms of a year or two after you get married? On the other hand, she may never chanage her mind and that will leave you....where, exactly? Mostly it will leave you unsatisfied with your life and ultimately with a very painful divorce.

No marriage comes with guarantees, but it helps if you start out together with the same vision of how you would like your lives together to develop. If you don't have some agreement on that, then you really are not good for each other.

You are still quite young and a few more years will give you some wisdom and insight into your own inner longings for children. Do not condemn yourself to a life without them if that is what you really want.