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so here is where it gets bad. i despritly want kids, she says that she doesnt. not even adopted kids. i have, since i was younger, really felt the need to be a parent, im great with kids and am very confident i would make an awsome dad.
Originally posted by ravenshadow13
reply to post by srslyguyz
I'm not super good at these things, but I would go out on a limb and say maybe you should try out marriage before you even start thinking about kids. Both of you have the possibility of changing your minds once your relationship status changes and personal growth happens.
Originally posted by schrodingers dog
reply to post by srslyguyz
You were in Thailand for 3 months and you came back missing the relationship?
lol, you must have been to a different Thailand than the one I went to.
In all seriousness ...
so here is where it gets bad. i despritly want kids, she says that she doesnt. not even adopted kids. i have, since i was younger, really felt the need to be a parent, im great with kids and am very confident i would make an awsome dad.
Ok there are a couple of alarm bells ringing for me here ...
First of all, no one should ever have to convince another person to have children. The worse thing that can happen is that you actually succeed and the other person ends up resenting you, the child, and the life they now see themselves stuck with. And it's the child that will feel most of the brunt of all that ... and it can't be undone.
Second, you should really ask yourself why you have this "need." Having a child because you want or need one to be happy or complete is a clear indication of something lacking in your life that you are trying to remedy with the wrong answer. If it is a need or want it means that it is about you, and no relationship should ever be based on that, never mind bringing a child into this world. If a child is needed to fulfill you, you will inevitably be disappointed as it will not address what is really lacking within you. And once again the child will bear the brunt of that dynamic.
I'm not saying any of this to be harsh and I hope it doesn't come off that way. I have simply seen way to many children born to satisfy needs and wants of the parents, and it simply results in suffering for all involved.
I have no advice as to what you should do going forward but I urge you to look within for the answers you seek rather that without. Lest your peace and happiness lie in the illusion where most people think their happiness lies ... namely one addition away from them ... be it a child, a bigger house, a wife, a dog, a nicer car, etc. If such is one's disposition everything is always one step away from them no matter what they keep adding.
[edit on 26 Aug 2009 by schrodingers dog]
Originally posted by CosmicEgg
I got married at 24 and didn't want kids at all. By the time we were married for two years, I had baby fever so badly that I couldn't even see an infant or toddler without bursting into tears. I've never regretted having them and in fact it's only been in the past couple of years that the baby fever subsided (and I'm menopausal!). I would have had a baby every couple of years, given my druthers. But equally, I could have lived without them if I hadn't been driven by the hormonal storm. Oddly, I'm not looking forward to being a grandmother at some point. I wonder if that too will change.
However, my sister-in-law has a Master's in Pedagogy and until recently was an elementary school teacher (all teachers need a Master's here). She always knew that she wanted a family. Her first marriage was a dismal failure. She remarried and had three children. When she had them, she dumped them for extended periods at her parents' house rather too frequently and used to comment to me that she understands how some parents can kill their infants. Now, she works and works and works. Her youngest is 5 and calls her uncle and grandmother pretty frequently because she's bored at home - her two brothers ignore her; she's just a girl, you know. Their family encourages stereotypes.
I state this not in any criticism of her nor anyone else who feels this way. I only want to illustrate that things are not always what we imagine them to be at any given point. I suggest you do as others have suggested and look into your heart to find out why you want children. You don't know which of the two sorts - or any of the other myriad alternatives - you might be.
Originally posted by CosmicEgg
reply to post by srslyguyz
In answer to your question, I really never wanted kids. I didn't feel loved by my parents so I didn't trust automatically that I would be different to them. You know how it is: The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. But I also didn't want a lifetime commitment to them or anyone/anything else. Maybe it was just the whole thing about how hard it is to be a kid and I think I didn't want to put anyone else through that. Being a kid is pretty messed up. It was bad then but worse now. Your gf might just be cognizant of this.
I still don't understand how it happened, how the desire for a child became so unbearably strong. I see how kids are wonderful and all, and I have seen how astoundingly brilliant it is to be a parent and to forge a strong, loving relationship with your children.
You have to look at your life path to decide what's right for you. Do your lessons lie in being a parent? Do they lie in other areas more heavily? Parenthood isn't right for everyone and that's in no way condemnation! I never would have expected my sister-in-law to have the reaction she did to her motherhood. But then, I wouldn't have expected to have such great relationships with my kids, given my own childhood.
There is also some underlying reason why you want children and an underlying reason why your gf doesn't. Why don't you both do some soul searching and find out those reasons before you start down any road, either together or separate.