Some advice concerning my wife and sex.

I'm just wondering what some people might make of this. I'll just start with a recent event.

My wife and I were about to have sex and I asked if she could please put on some stockings, I love stockings/high heels, etc. She says she doesn't have any, which I know isn't true. So I asked a couple of more times and she repeats she doesn't have any! And now she's getting angry and loud, really pissed off.

So I thought I might try some role playing, etc. And asked her if she liked being commanded to do things, etc. Say didn't say "no". So I said OK, I'll command you, and commanded her to go get some stockings/heels on. And she did.

She seems to get turned on by being commanded, but she puts up a fight in the beginning. And she did get turned on by the whole thing.

Well, what bothers me is that she was really adamant about not having any stockings, to the point of getting quite angry when asked. However, she in fact has a draw which contains about 4 pair of sexy stockings and some other things.

I love that stuff, but whenever I ask her to wear some of it she gets really bothered.

It makes me wonder why if she never wants to wear that stuff when we have sex why does she buy it? And I get a little paranoid, thinking does she buy this stuff for someone else?

She does initiate sex, but when she does she's usually wearing some old sweat pants, no make-up, hair tied back, etc. In other words not a lot of fun. And she just suggests "want to go upstairs..." It always the same.

If we go out on a "date" night. Of course I know we're going to have sex when we come home, so sometimes I'll ask here to wear something sexy under her clothes, and she almost always gets annoyed.

I try different ways of trying to spice things up, but it's always just me, my ideas. Usually my ideas do turn her on, a lot. But it's like pulling teeth and I'm getting tired of it. Her ideas of sex are quick and boring, routine.

So, I'm just wondering what people make of the weird thing she does, yelling at me saying she doesn't have stockings/heels, etc. (when I know for a fact she does), and after virtually forcing her she complies and seems to get turned on. (I can't keep forcing her to do things like that), and why does she lie?

After the sex I got angry, wondering why it took all of that effort to get her to wear that stuff, and why was she so convincingly/angrily telling me she didn't even own such things?

Seems really suspicious to me. (Sorry for the rambling, and repeating myself. Writing it down helps me get perspective)

Maybe she just didn't wanna wear them? But maybe she feels sexy when she buys them, but lacks confidence maybe?

Maybe she felt threatened when you 'commanded' her? Or maybe she likes being dominated?

Maybe you should dress up for her?

Yeah, maybe she wants you to wear the stockings like Marv Albert does.

Peace

Originally posted by mr-lizard
Maybe she just didn't wanna wear them? But maybe she feels sexy when she buys them, but lacks confidence maybe?

Maybe she felt threatened when you 'commanded' her? Or maybe she likes being dominated?

Maybe you should dress up for her?

Yeah, I actually just got finished speaking to her about all this. Being with a really beautiful woman can make you crazy sometimes.

But, I did find out that she does get turned on by being commanded, and you're right. She does like to buy the stuff, I'm usually with her when she does buy that stuff, but she doesn't like to wear it often.

I guess that's ok. I forgot to mention that I was a little drunk and I was video taping her. So I was trying to have some fun and she really wasn't in the mood.

I feel like a real jerk, but at least I learned a few things.

As far as me dressing up, will never happen. (Do you mean like a should wear a dress or lingerie?) Ha!

Have you guys ever done that?

dont push her, by pushing her you are almost making it an issue and to be honest if its not something she likes to do then you need to drop it,

Stop making Sex the issue as you will only make her feel more uncomfortable,

Gently ask her what she does like and maybe you can both find another way to enjoy it,
I would if i where you go back to basics, Make her feel loved make her feel that you want her for who she is rather than what she wears,

then maybe everything else will come natural and she may just shock you one day wearing what she knows you will enjoy,

Give her time, give her love, and she will regain her confidence.


oh and p.s... Maybe we dont need to know about everything :wink: Video taping ect is something im sure needs to be between you both and not us.



[edit on 24-8-2009 by asala]

I just wanted to add, that although I feel really embarrassed about writing about these things in a public forum, it really helps me get perspective on things.

Comes down to she wasn't in the mood, she does like to buy that stuff once in awhile. And I'm a bit of an idiot, because I know she knows, that I know she has that stuff. It's not like she hides it. And when she does get dressed up the stuff comes out of packages, never opened before.

I should start a new thread entitled: "Insecure guys with beautiful women".

We've been together since we were kids, 1984! High school sweethearts (I was 16 she was 15) And I'm still obsessed with her!

I have to learn to control my behavior. On a more fun note, she's like being commanded, and you know I want to start practicing that tonight!

Originally posted by asala
dont push her, by pushing her you are almost making it an issue and to be honest if its not something she likes to do then you need to drop it,

Stop making Sex the issue as you will only make her feel more uncomfortable,

Gently ask her what she does like and maybe you can both find another way to enjoy it,
I would if i where you go back to basics, Make her feel loved make her feel that you want her for who she is rather than what she wears,

then maybe everything else will come natural and she may just shock you one day wearing what she knows you will enjoy,

Give her time, give her love, and she will regain her confidence.


oh and p.s... Maybe we dont need to know about everything :wink: Video taping ect is something im sure needs to be between you both and not us.



[edit on 24-8-2009 by asala]

Yes, she did just express those things you just said. I just mentioned the video taping because in looking back I think that's one reason why she acted the way she did, she wasn't in the mood for that stuff and I was being pushy.

I was just trying to have spontaneous fun, I thought she would think so too. But I was drinking that day and although I never get violent or crazy, I'm sure I wasn't in tune to her signals, I was being very selfish.

Thanks.

COMMUNICATION before sex..is the best forplay.

Originally posted by AccessDenied
COMMUNICATION before sex..is the best forplay.

So true, but you know how difficult for two people to effectively communicate in any kind of relationship. Most people don't communicate well, or at all especially in marriages.

I think this is why divorce is so high and therapy/councilling is such a big business.


Regardless of what people say a woman wants, they are not attracted to guys who like to communicate and share their feelings. They don't respect it.

However, many do say that's what they want. I believe it's a very deep psychological thing, where a woman feels less powerful in a relationship if her male mate doesn't open up or communicate feelings, etc. Whether we realize it or not there are these weird power struggles in male/female relationships/marriages that no one ever talks about.

You're a lucky guy then....

But don't push the girl that's for sure.

Sure i've had great sex with some of my ex lady friends, but my best memories come from the other stuff we did together - holidays, festivals, nice week ends away, going for a drive in the sun and chilling on beaches.

Don't make sex the priority, because if she's as nice as you make her out to be, then she's chosen you and you only.
All the other guys who don't know her, will want to know her.

Make sure it's YOU who knows her best- and i guarantee you'll be fine.

Have fun and stay cool.

Lol, who cares mate

When she stops being interested in sex...then start to worry

If you're really adamant about it, maybe you could come to a compromise with her. She may not feel comfortable about your fanatsies, but talk to her about it, and see if there's anything you could do for her in return

Video taping ect is something im sure needs to be between you both and not us.

Ssssh Asala.....dont say silly things like that

Originally posted by mr-lizard
You're a lucky guy then....

But don't push the girl that's for sure.

Sure i've had great sex with some of my ex lady friends, but my best memories come from the other stuff we did together - holidays, festivals, nice week ends away, going for a drive in the sun and chilling on beaches.

Don't make sex the priority, because if she's as nice as you make her out to be, then she's chosen you and you only.
All the other guys who don't know her, will want to know her.

Make sure it's YOU who knows her best- and i guarantee you'll be fine.

Have fun and stay cool.

True. I am very lucky. I go off the rails once in awhile with paranoia. It's a waste of a lot of energy.

She never pushes me away and usually the sex is very good. I'm not obsessing over sex though, I'm not a sex maniac. It was the stocking thing that got me koo-koo, I thought she was being deceptive. But I see now she wasn't, she just wasn't into all of the hoops I was trying to make her jump through.

It's funny because I'm not a control freak, but once in awhile I get really offended, insulted if my suggestions or in this case my demands aren't met.

I can be a real jerk sometimes. It took this thread to make me realize it!:bnghd:

I usually have a jealous/paranoid fit like this about once a year. It's ridiculous.

Thanks for the replies.

[edit on 24-8-2009 by Electro38]

Simple answer.. some women dress for the occasion.

If you know you're going to get sex after taking her for a night out.. give her more insentive to wear the sexy stuff underneath. You say you have to ask her to wear this stuff for "date nights" where you know you'll be getting sex anyway and she gets annoyed? A night out isn't going the movies or dinner so where do you take her for date nights? Where do you take her to warrent wearing such finery?

HINT.

If a beautiful woman has reason to wear a fancy evening dress she's going to make sure it's got the matching fancy under garments, stockings and heals to match. Personally I LOVE wearing corsets.. and they look great on me but so does the fancy dress that slips over the top that matches the fancy place I'm being taken to. The ritual of seduction should start a little earlier than last minute wardrobe requests.

I think suspecting her of sleeping around for owning this stuff is unfair. Maybe she just likes looking at them wishing she had reasons to wear them other than hubby's fetishes.

[edit on 25-8-2009 by riley]

reply to post by Electro38


My twisted mind thinks that perhaps she may be pissed because just sexy stocking aren't enough. Next time suggest something a bit more daring.

Retraints, velvet cat o nine or kitchen spatula, food, mechanized marital aids...you get the idea.
Of course these items are to be used on you!!!

Welcome to the real world where men can't do right for doing wrong!
Take my Mrs for example. . . For her birthday I bought her a brand new belt and bag!

Now the hoover works brilliantly. . .

Originally posted by riley
Simple answer.. some women dress for the occasion.

If you know you're going to get sex after taking her for a night out.. give her more insentive to wear the sexy stuff underneath. You say you have to ask her to wear this stuff for "date nights" where you know you'll be getting sex anyway and she gets annoyed? A night out isn't going the movies or dinner so where do you take her for date nights? Where do you take her to warrent wearing such finery?

HINT.

If a beautiful woman has reason to wear a fancy evening dress she's going to make sure it's got the matching fancy under garments, stockings and heals to match. Personally I LOVE wearing corsets.. and they look great on me but so does the fancy dress that slips over the top that matches the fancy place I'm being taken to. The ritual of seduction should start a little earlier than last minute wardrobe requests.

I think suspecting her of sleeping around for owning this stuff is unfair. Maybe she just likes looking at them wishing she had reasons to wear them other than hubby's fetishes.

[edit on 25-8-2009 by riley]

Thanks. Well, she knows that I love stockings, so maybe that's why she does buy them. I don't ask her to wear anything often. Maybe once every 6 months I ask nicely and she usually gets annoyed.

I'm not a sex fend or a demanding a-hole. Once in awhile I figure, hey maybe you can wear those stockings you bought.

I'm not a typical guy, I like to communicate even though I know women don't really like that. I like to be romantic and affectionate. I'm not a tough guy, I'm the creative/artistic type with a lot of imagination.

Most often my wife will just be wearing some old sweat pants, watching TV and ask if I want to go upstairs. It's very routine and boring. I think that we'll have plenty of time to be boring when we're very old. So I try to come up with exciting ideas. A few months ago I took her out to a really nice resturant and I had some ideas that I just suggested to her. I always start by saying, hey I'm just throwing this out there and if you feel up to it great.

So I asked her to wear remote controlled vibrating panties (with stockings of course) underneath her clothes. She wanted to do some shopping before eating, so I thought this would be fun. She could wear the fun panties while walking around the stores. And it was fun, she felt very sexy. She brought me into a fitting room so I could watch her get undressed. It was fun.

But when I asked and suggested this stuff before going out she got really annoyed. I said babe if you're not going to have fun, or enjoy this no problem, maybe another day. But she insisted on going ahead and putting the panties on and the stockings and we went out and she felt very sexy.

So there are these weird mixed signals. She gets annoyed whenever I suggest anything, but then always has a good time. I started thinking that maybe she likes to be commanded. I asked her yesterday and she said yes, but apparently this comes with some rules and regulations which I have yet to learn. To be honest I'm getting tired of trying so hard.

I try to think up scenarios like this from time to time, just to have fun and break routine. I can see that my ideas usually make her feel very sexy and very excited, but only after she acts annoyed by my suggesting such things, and I feel like a fool.

I don't do these things for my sole enjoyment, I try to imagine scenarios that I think she will find exciting, and after complaining, getting annoyed, etc. she usually gets very excited and has a lot of fun. But it's a lot of work for me. I wish she would make such efforts once in awhile but she never has. It's always sweatpants, hair tied back, and a quicky upstairs. I like foreplay to last a long time, and usually I'm doing all of the foreplaying, it's a lot of work. I usually make sure she has at least one orgasm before I think about myself in anyway.

I'm starting to think we're just incompatible and after so many years nothing's going to change. I'm still attracted to her, so that's why I try all of these things. I'm not sure how attracted she is to me.

Anyway, the topic of my post, the incident with the stockings and then me getting angry because I thought she was trying to be deceptive, etc. That was all my fault. Even though she did lie by repeatedly saying she didn't have any stockings. I realize I was being too demanding and she wasn't in the mood.

But, then again whenever I ask her to wear stockings or lingerie she always says she doesn't have any. She's been saying that for years, even though I'm with her when she does buy the stuff, and her draw is filled with stuff.

I'm starting to see that this might be the beginning of an end. I want someone who is a little more fun, happy and a little more compatible with me.

Originally posted by whaaa
reply to post by Electro38

 

My twisted mind thinks that perhaps she may be pissed because just sexy stocking aren't enough. Next time suggest something a bit more daring.

Retraints, velvet cat o nine or kitchen spatula, food, mechanized marital aids...you get the idea.
Of course these items are to be used on you!!!

Yeah. Well we've been together a really long time and we've done it all, mostly, solely all of my efforts.

She never suggests anything, it's always my ideas and all my work. So I started thinking maybe she just likes being submissive. Who knows, it's becoming too much work for one person. It would be great if she could meet me half way.

I was also wondering, since I was never able to find the answer here, if ATS allows minors to access the site? Or must you be 18 and older? I always assumed you had to be 18 or older.

Please let me know. I don't want any kids reading anymore, or at least I'll tone things down.

I don't mind being candid with anonymous adults, it's actually very cathartic, a great release.

Originally posted by Electro38
I was also wondering, since I was never able to find the answer here, if ATS allows minors to access the site? Or must you be 18 and older? I always assumed you had to be 18 or older.

Please let me know. I don't want any kids reading anymore, or at least I'll tone things down.

I don't mind being candid with anonymous adults, it's actually very cathartic, a great release.

I wouldn't worry to much about offending young readers. Most of them could probably give us lessons and actually be the one's with the most valuable advice.

Never fear, Our more than capable Mods monitor these kinds of threads very closely; most of them enjoy sex also and are always on the look out for the erotic, the titillating, and sometimes the "down right nasty"




[edit on 25-8-2009 by whaaa]

reply to post by riley


I also just wanted to add that I love to cook. So I do a lot of cooking for her, and as usual I try to imagine different recipes that are usually very good. I really believe you don't have to go out to have a romantic evening. We love going out. We live close to the city, so there are a lot of very small/modest places around here with great food. We used to try the very fancy places which were all very expensive for very mediocre food.

So we stick to our small places and always enjoy. But once in awhile I'll search the internet for a new local restaurant where my wife can get dressed for, such as the restaurant I mentioned above.

I do a lot of thinking, imagining. For instance tonight I'll cook a dinner then plan to make a fire in the back yard and enjoy the summer night. That's an easy night for me.

Last night I made her favorite BBQ spare ribs, with potato salad (Italian style with olive oil, garlic, parsley, etc.) and a tossed green salad. I went shopping and bought all of the groceries, all the cooking/serving.

I do this most nights, I try to make it special when she's off from work.

Some people might be thinking that maybe that's being a little whimpy, etc. Or not very macho. But while I do things like that because like many Italian men I love to cook, but can also re-wire and remodel my whole house, I can fix anything in my house do heavy construction and still cook a great dinner and have a romantic evening.

My point is you can have a romantic night at home, I've tried many very expensive restaurants that were not good at all.

I would love it if just maybe once every few months my wife could wear some sexy stockings under her clothes without me knowing, and later that night, after dinner, a fire in the back yard, etc. I could be surprised.

Why is that so hard to make happen? I think we're just going through the motions now, sex is just a compulsive desire to be finished with quickly. I don't think she's in love with me anymore.