Need some input from a woman's perspective. What are your priorities?

So I don't want to put up the 100th "she broke my heart" thread of the day, but I'd really like to know what some of you think about my situation. I'm sure its not all that rare, but I am having trouble understanding why this all went down.

It has always been my opinion that women are much more capable of breaking hearts than men are. Yes, it happens often that men cheat and do stupid, horrible things, but often when they are in love they pretty much stay there for the long haul. Women it seems, can cut from a situation and show no signs of regret. Anyway, that has been my experience, so feel free to comment on that.

Anyway, I've been dating a girl for almost 5 years now. the last two of those has been from 3000 miles away on different sides of the country. Recently, she moved back to be with me after her contract was up so we could start our lives together. My luck reared its ugly head and I was laid off on day 3 of her being back. On day 7, she broke up with me right out of the blue.

Now, I'm in media and as if the job market isn't bad enough, its even worse in my field. Getting work has never been easy, so I freelance often and while I sometimes consider myself quite well-off, there are also times when I am downright poor. I've made certain investments and expenditures that weren't the smartest, but I'll stop there.

Her reasons for breaking up with me are the following: She is still madly in love with me, but she says while she isn't interested in getting married right now, she'd like to have the freedom to do so. That makes no sense to me, but whatever. What I do understand is that there is a certain anxiety level to being in a relationship with a starving artist, especially when you have a stable job like she does. She doesn't want to worry about money, which I concede that mine isn't all that great. (I'm only twenty five though, gimme a break).

My question is this: Is it really within the realm of womens' ability to end a perfectly healthy, loving relationship for these reasons? It seems cold and robotic to me, but then again I'm a hopeless romantic and when in love, I do whatever I can to make it work.

It hurts badly, but the thing that helps is this: We always were good as a couple because we were so opposite one another, and we appreciated that. But now I think, "well our values were so different, maybe it was never meant to work." I see her now as kind of a jerk, being someone who would cut and run as soon as things got hard, and her priority is obviously money over love. Now I know this isn't 100% true, but I'm using it as a defense mechanism for now.

I want to ask you ladies: I know that we all want to have our cake and eat it too, but what if you fall in love with someone who doesn't give you it all right away? I have no question in myself that I will be successful, but I guess she couldn't wait for me to do so. What are your priorities when it comes to love and money, and lifestyle. I was a great boyfriend and would've been a spectacular husband, but I guess that wasn't enough in this situation.

So if you were in her shoes, what would you have done? I have no problem with people who agree with her, as I seek further understanding of what's going on in that imbalanced brain of hers, and maybe I really do need to work on my professionalism before I decide to find the girl I'm going to be with forever.

In any case, I take solace in being a truly good person and hopefully I can see it one day as just another step on the road to happiness.


ETA: Haha, its been two weeks since the breakup and I just found out she has already been on another date. After 5 years? REALLY? She said "he looks good on paper." I guess that says a lot about what she's looking for. That is almost comically sad.



[edit on 8/14/09 by SantaClaus]

You seem like a very nice guy. However, I did not need to read past the part where you said you have been dating a girl for almost five years. If it was "right", it would have happened by now. Period, end of sentence.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Evolutionarily speaking, women hold onto a good thing unless another, more promising, option comes along. Notice I said promising, not better. You may well have been "the one" in her mind, but come on - five years? That says a lot. She was not "the one" in your mind or you would have moved heaven and Earth to be with her, no matter what.

A good woman - without children in the equation - would follow the man she loves to the poor house as long as he is doing his best. If children are involved, that changes everything - they come first. Again, it's biological/evolutionary.

These are hard times and likely she was looking to better her odds at an optimistic and secure future.

I completely understand how you feel. Love can be capricious and complicated. I once had a guy tell me - "I love you. I want to marry someone just like you, just not you." I laughed and told him "Good luck!" Last I heard he was still looking.

You need to do the same to her.

Don't be scared to let go. Love finds you when you least expect it and you can't catch it with a net or a gun. The #1 piece of advice I would give to anyone dating is don't even consider marriage unless you have similar values. You answered that one on your own. Hobbies and interests can change, values rarely do.

Another good thing to remember is that women want to be cherished and men want to be adored. A crusty old divorce attorney I used to work for when I was eighteen told me that over cocktails and I've always found it to be true.

You'll be fine. Just stay true to yourself and your own path in life.

reply to post by kosmicjack


By "happened" I assume you meant marriage. I did move out west to be near her initially, but had a huge career opportunity back home that has now, obviously, dissipated.

Marriage is a priority for sure, but never would I think that would be a make or break situation. At twenty five I think we're still a couple years too young. And even with her job, we're not really financially prepared for that.

I find it unsettling how easy it has been on me. Maybe it just hasn't hit me hard, and I definitely have my moments of tremendous emotion, but something about the scenario puts a very bad taste in my mouth towards her.

I agree that, at 25, marriage isn't or shouldn't be a huge issue. But that's me and my values, how about her's?

From observing my friends and siblings, one thing that I have noticed that puts a lot of pressure on people, consciously or subconsciously, is when their friends or family members get married. It definitely makes people reassess their relationships and priorities and it happens a lot between 20 to 30. Maybe this has had some impact as well. Add to that the length of time you have been dating with no declaration of intent.

Another big influence between 20 and 25, whether you realize it or accept it, is that people often change significantly - maturity, priorities, interests and jobs - with life-altering results. In other words, it may very well have nothing to do with you, your character or your future prospects. It is likely just her and her issues/needs.

reply to post by SantaClaus


I agree your 25, you have alot of good times ahead of you, that include falling inlove...

She is pretty bodge, breaking up with you for losing your job, and then going on a date and telling you he is good on paper...well thats just playing games and being cruel, and sorry to say she had been dating whilst away, otherwise it wouldnt be so easy to slip into that practice....

You were without her in a way for 2 years, she broke up with you in mind a long time before moving back. Better now then if you had kept your job and 'kept' her till she found something new on paper. This chickadee was only for you for that time, but you have plenty of relationships to learn from throughout your life Enjoy them, dont fear them.

Your kinda reclusive, but that doesnt mean you wont find someone new, A girl will compliment you, not complete you, I like what KJ said about have the same values, she clearly doesnt have the same as you....

GO through the stages of mourning, then go out, and have fun, the only person stopping that from happening will be you...
Zazzy F






[edit on 14-8-2009 by zazzafrazz]

Thanks for the responses. They were really insightful and made a lot of sense to me.

Actually her sister got married at twenty four, so yeah that definitely had something to do with it. I imagine she did some assessment herself.

As far as being so far away, I know she was faithful. We broke up for a couple months last year to figure ourselves out, and we both did a little dating during that time. I think it was the time for us to get our playing out of our systems before she came back.

She's a good girl, but at the end of the day maybe we were each others' only limitations. Now I can get back to that rockstar dream I threw out for her a few years ago.

And going out.. Well I do that too often now, and typically it ends with me either walking home too inebriated, or having that shallow fun that I got over years ago. Never really was into the "hooking up" scene. Basically, I just look forward to being able to move somewhere new and get work doing something I love. That's probably a healthier scenario for finding a good girl anyway.

reply to post by SantaClaus


sounds like you dont need our help SC....Youve got the smarts to work it out....Having fun, doesnt need to mean going out and getting slaughtered....can mean travel......being creative (which is your bag baby) hiking, family, a pet whatever....fun and enjoyment dont come from what life holds for you, but from what you bring to it......

Hugglez little brother.

Zazz

Originally posted by SantaClaus
Now I can get back to that rockstar dream I threw out for her a few years ago.

Now were talking!! Best of luck my brother of wire and wood!!

from a male perspective. Hope you don't mind.

[edit on 14-8-2009 by whaaa]

Originally posted by SantaClaus
So I don't want to put up the 100th "she broke my heart" thread of the day, but I'd really like to know what some of you think about my situation. I'm sure its not all that rare, but I am having trouble understanding why this all went down.

It has always been my opinion that women are much more capable of breaking hearts than men are. Yes, it happens often that men cheat and do stupid, horrible things, but often when they are in love they pretty much stay there for the long haul. Women it seems, can cut from a situation and show no signs of regret. Anyway, that has been my experience, so feel free to comment on that.

:shk:

I want to ask you ladies: I know that we all want to have our cake and eat it too, but what if you fall in love with someone who doesn't give you it all right away? I have no question in myself that I will be successful, but I guess she couldn't wait for me to do so. What are your priorities when it comes to love and money, and lifestyle. I was a great boyfriend and would've been a spectacular husband, but I guess that wasn't enough in this situation.

So if you were in her shoes, what would you have done? I have no problem with people who agree with her, as I seek further understanding of what's going on in that imbalanced brain of hers, and maybe I really do need to work on my professionalism before I decide to find the girl I'm going to be with forever.

If a woman gets pregnant she's going to have to stop working (at least for a while) and a stable income may be at risk. Now.. if you cannot guarentee that you can make up for that lost income when it's time to having kids and you can only get a lower playing job then just maintaining a lifetsyle could become trying to stay above the poverty line. Thats a hell of a risk for a woman/mother to take. Not sure what my priorities yet are but I would prefer to avoid raising a family in poverty.

[edit on 15-8-2009 by riley]

I really don't know...I think it's weird that you dated 5 years tbh. Just keep in mind that not all women think the same, or have the same priorities, as I'm sure it is the same with men.

The difference is that women generally take longer to make up their minds to end a relationship.

She hung in there for five years and two years of them were long distance. Not a very fulfilling relationship. She probably decided to give it one last visit in person. She would have ended it job or no job. But the job thing might have clarified a few issues for her as in she did not want to support you with no marriage in sight. 25 is not too young to marry. If you had wanted to marry her, you should have done it when you relocated and brought her with you.

If it were me, I would have ended it when it became a long distance thing or soon afterwards.

My general rule was if, in the 3rd year I saw that the relationship was just static, I walked away.

reply to post by Jenadots


I certainly wouldn't say it was static, but then I'm an optimist. I always assumed those years did great things to increase the appreciation and trust in our relationship, as she always told me.

Bottom line, I understand everyone's viewpoint, but also understand where I'm coming from. If a woman shows no sign of being stressed about a situation and then suddenly cuts and runs after so long, it shows a little moral dilemma on her side, in my opinion. To be honest, I would have probably thought she was less crazy if she had just given me ultimatums.

Plus, it doesn't help her side of the story when she's dating so soon after. Its fine to know what you want, but there's also words for people who make themselves a little "too available." This is not her typical personality, so I honestly think she is going through some things right now that she doesn't want to deal with and would rather not share with me. She'd rather have someone who doesn't know her tell her that everything will be ok. For this, I feel sorry for her, but I need to get over it and stop feeling for it altogether.

Like the song says, if you wanted it, then you should have put a ring on it.

She probably has been dating the two years you were apart. You may have had a few dates yourself.

Let it all go. Give yourself an emotional rest and see what you have learned from it all. Take any job you can get so you can get by until things get better.

Actually, you will likely remember this as one of the free-est times of you life later. You are not tied to a relationship or to a job and can go anywhere in the country you want to. Just learn a few lessons from all of it and you will be a more mature 26 year old.

Originally posted by Jenadots
Like the song says, if you wanted it, then you should have put a ring on it.

She probably has been dating the two years you were apart. You may have had a few dates yourself.

Let it all go. Give yourself an emotional rest and see what you have learned from it all. Take any job you can get so you can get by until things get better.

Actually, you will likely remember this as one of the free-est times of you life later. You are not tied to a relationship or to a job and can go anywhere in the country you want to. Just learn a few lessons from all of it and you will be a more mature 26 year old.

I really appreciate your input. Its very real and at the same time, comforting.

However, I am worried by some of the responses otherwise. Are people that jaded in relationships nowadays? Dating other people? No, I am a very loyal partner, and I try to be 100% honest no matter the situation. Are people typically guilty of going on dates in long term relationships? I find that to be a sad statement.

Regardless, I will be single for awhile now. i hung out with a girl last night and it was fun, but that's all. It doesn't even cross my mind to breach that barrier at this point.

And the round the country thing? Already being planned!

Let her go.

We are so wound up in the belief that we must find the "one" that it blinds us to the reality that there can be many "ones" in the course of our life. Every relationship can give you something for a time.

In the meantime don't beat yourself up over it.

Originally posted by SantaClaus
My question is this: Is it really within the realm of womens' ability to end a perfectly healthy, loving relationship for these reasons? It seems cold and robotic to me, but then again I'm a hopeless romantic and when in love, I do whatever I can to make it work.



ETA: Haha, its been two weeks since the breakup and I just found out she has already been on another date. After 5 years? REALLY? She said "he looks good on paper." I guess that says a lot about what she's looking for. That is almost comically sad.
[edit on 8/14/09 by SantaClaus]

Before I read your last paragraph I was preparing to say that she probably wants to see other people, or is already seeing someone.

Very telling, when she leaves right after you're down on your luck. Can you imagine if you got married and 5 years later if you have a little bad luck with work or money she says goodbye, but now you have a kid or two?

Best thing to do in my very humble opinion is forget her and find someone who is a little more like you, more compatible with the way you live, what you do, being an artist/creative.

There are women out there who would completely understand your situation, the ups and downs of what you do, maybe they do something similar.

She says she's "madly in love" with you, but goodbye! And start dating right away! No offense, but it seems like she's the kind of woman who likes to string a guy along, use you and play games, either that or she's not truthful, she lies. Either way that's not the kind of woman any man needs.

Mark my words, if the dating doesn't go as well as she likes she'll be knocking on your door again.

Originally posted by SantaClaus
I really appreciate your input. Its very real and at the same time, comforting.

However, I am worried by some of the responses otherwise. Are people that jaded in relationships nowadays? Dating other people? No, I am a very loyal partner, and I try to be 100% honest no matter the situation. Are people typically guilty of going on dates in long term relationships? I find that to be a sad statement.

Regardless, I will be single for awhile now. i hung out with a girl last night and it was fun, but that's all. It doesn't even cross my mind to breach that barrier at this point.

And the round the country thing? Already being planned!

This brings back memories. When I was 24 I was still in college and working part time. I got engaged to a girl after being together for about 7 years. She wanted a commitment. So I was in love with her and we got engaged. A few months later I was having some problems and quit my part time job, and was planning to take a break from school to do music full time.

She didn't like that, and things were getting sour. But she physically stayed with me because the rent was payed. And I discovered that she had gone out on a date, and was in fact seeing someone for some time.

Women like that always bail when your down on your luck. I was like you very loyal and honest, I just wanted to be with her, no one else. Even though I would have opportunities to cheat when playing with my band back then, never did.

It's a very good thing that she left you now. I can imagine if you got married to her she wouldn't support what you were doing. When she says her date "looked good on paper" it kind of hints at what type of person she is. She has a plan, she's looking for someone specific. her leaving you say's you're not what she wants.

Maybe you should look for someone who is in your field, artistic/creative. Someone who would support and understand what you do. There are a lot of people out there. Good luck!

This girl seems like a basket case to me. Good on paper???? she did you a favor by leaving. I dont think any guy will be lucky to end up with someone who's with them for their pockets.