My feelings of life.. !WARNING EXPLICIT!

WARNING THE LINK I HAVE POSTED HAS SWEAR WORDS AND I AM USING IT AS A REFERENCE OF MY STORY, I HAVE WARNED YOU AND IF YOU CHOOSE TO READ THE LINK THEN THAT IS YOUR CHOICE

Throughout my life i have witnessed things differently than most people. I have been in and out of depression bouts where i would clam up and think about nothing but dying or hating myself for all im worth everyday, all day for months at a time. I have seen the world for what it is and i am sick and tired of the way people are treated, sick and tired of the way i am treated. I try my very hardest to be nice and be a decent person but everything just gets spat back in my face like i was meant to take it. I feel like the way i look, my height as being short, or even my name holds a reason to why people seem to hate me. I dont know what it is, but i always get the short end of the stick. I want to share with you some of my favorite lyrics from a band called Chimaira, that just embodies my feelings of the world completely.

Chimaira-Pure Hatred

I feel your pain. I've been there and am sliding into that pit of despair again.

It's the darkest place I've ever gone. I hate it. I want to die when I'm there.

I say over and over again in my head, "No good deed goes unpunished".

Why am I suffering? What horrible sins am I paying for? How much mental and physical pain can a human take? I've come too close to the limit too many times. I'm tired of being sad, crying and seeing the pain in the eyes of my family and friends.

I've been in this pit of hell for a month. Family and physical problems have morphed into a deep depression.

It's happened before. It comes and goes. This time is different.

I was diagnosed with kidney failure last month. Since I Saw a specialist 2 weeks ago I have had many tests.

Tomorrow at 3:45pm I will get the verdict. I am in third stage renal failure and one less point I'll be in the forth stage.

Tomorrow I'll know why it happened and the doctor will give me a plan of action. That is little comfort.

All I've thought about for weeks is my death. I don't want to die, not really.
I love life and my family.

I am holding onto a thin thread of hope.

Tell me, what has happened to make you feel like I do.

I have no choice but to find my strength and be strong for those I love.
It won'tbe easy but I'll do it.

You can do it too.

reply to post by dizziedame

Hey there dizzie

So sorry to hear about your medical probs----just try stay positive girl x

But at least you love life, so you've got hope out there.
And hopefully you'll come out of your deep depression soon.

I'm also in a very dark place at the mo, not medical related but on a "what the hell am I gonna do" basis ??
Guess its a crossroads moment for me----and I've got to somehow pick the right direction !!
I can't eat, my weight loss is severe. I can't sleep properly, and some days I wish I was dead.
Guess they're all classic depression signs---so yep,I'm depressed.

But life's a bitch and then you die :bash:

reply to post by scghst1


In a perfect world, everyone would be accepted for who they are and what they look like, but it just ain't and probably never will be.

It sucks----I mean why should you hate your looks and your height and name ???
Its YOU------and if people out there can't accept the way you are, then they ain't worth bothering with imo.

What you need is some love in your life, someone to make you feel special and whole again.
Love will turn everything round for ya x

reply to post by uk today


Thank you for your kindness. I hope you will soon come out of your depression. It is a horrible place to be.

Went to the doctor today and found I am in 4th stage renal failure. Also may have a tumor on one kidney.

Have to go to a vein specialist and have two shunts implanted in my arms. One is a back up.

Going to see a kidney surgeon about the possible tumor.

Will probably choose to do dialysis at home. This is an option.

It seems like after I had a really good cry after the visit to the doctor my mental attitude is getting brighter.

I am coming up out of that pit and have decided to just do what I have to do.

I will need a kidney transplant after I reach stage 5 and every member of my family has offered me one.

My best to you. I am just a U2U away if you need me.

reply to post by dizziedame

Aw---dizzie, you really are goin thro some hard times x
Makes my " what am I gonna do " problems seem quite insignificant.
It's great that all your family is givin you the support you need.

And yeah---a good intense crying session is damn good therapy
I had one as well yesterday and felt much better.

Look after yourself girl---
I've added ya to friends btw-----us poor souls in dark horrible places need to stick together

reply to post by uk today


When I went to bed last night I wasn't sure if I was dreaming or not. I hoped it was truly just a bad`dream.

Woke up this morning with a renewed spirit and ready to do what I have to do.

I also have a strange since of courage and a feeling of no fear anymore.

It is what it is. I know my enemy and I will fight it.

Sending light and positive thoughts your way.

Originally posted by scghst1
WARNING THE LINK I HAVE POSTED HAS SWEAR WORDS AND I AM USING IT AS A REFERENCE OF MY STORY, I HAVE WARNED YOU AND IF YOU CHOOSE TO READ THE LINK THEN THAT IS YOUR CHOICE

Throughout my life i have witnessed things differently than most people. I have been in and out of depression bouts where i would clam up and think about nothing but dying or hating myself for all im worth everyday, all day for months at a time. I have seen the world for what it is and i am sick and tired of the way people are treated, sick and tired of the way i am treated. I try my very hardest to be nice and be a decent person but everything just gets spat back in my face like i was meant to take it. I feel like the way i look, my height as being short, or even my name holds a reason to why people seem to hate me. I dont know what it is, but i always get the short end of the stick. I want to share with you some of my favorite lyrics from a band called Chimaira, that just embodies my feelings of the world completely.

Chimaira-Pure Hatred

As someone who has had severe depression, I know the bottomless pit it can be. I remember sitting on the floor in my bedroom, not willing to kill my self, but knowing if the Earth opened up and swallowed me, I woulden't fight it. Thats a terrible place to be. I don't mean to sound uncaring, but you seem to have a perpetual "glass is half empty" view of the world. Mabey it depends on genetics or how you were conditioned as a child. If you have not sought out medical help, please do so. A lot of both genetic and reactionary depression can be treated very well with medication. You can and should seek out counseling as well, if I may suggest.

There is help for this that works (although drugs can take a few weeks). Your not alone. No one is really alone. And there are people on this site willing to help where we can. Just reach out. Please forgive spelling errors, and take care.

Don't be afraid to feel. Though never allow another's feelings to bleed you of your self-worth. We choose our worth in life. Life is challenging you because you have something to offer life. Of course there is more evil than good out there, but what side do you want to fight on. It is a fight each day, but focus on your worth, not the world's reaction to your worth.

The world can be an evil eye towards you, but never make eye contact with it. You will be fine if you believe in your purpose. If you are lost to your purpose, seek it out, it is most likely right behind you, just turn around.

Remember, a thought gets heavier the more you think about it. Don't think about it, and it will disappear...

Good luck. I think you people are special.


AAC

It's been a few days since you posted Scghst1.

I"m just checking to see how you are feeling today. I hope things are looking up for you.

Please know that you are not alone.

I continue to keep you in my prayers.

If you have time please give us an update about how you are.