My girlfriend's going to be a nude art model.

Originally posted by Herman
I'm not exactly the most naturally trustworthy person, but I'm good at pretending. I guess I'll just act like it doesn't bother me much, and if it becomes too big a burden, I'll end it.

There really seems to be a communication problem with you two. If you're feeling like this, wouldn't you think it was a good idea to find a way to tell her?

You have it in your mind that a break-up may be imminent. If you were her, wouldn't you want to know that your partner was considering such a thing?

You just seem to be trundling along in a rocky relationship always with the idea that you can just dump her if her behaviour gets too much for you.

Honestly, that's not a great position to be in, for either of you.

Please, if you can, find a way to talk to her about things that bother both of you. Allow her to say as much as she needs to about these 'control' issues and ask her to let you explain your side of things - that it's concern, not control.

Don't just dump her, out of the blue, with the explanation that you've had enough of her behaviour. Give her a chance to defend herself before you go through with that.

If you could find a way to clear the air now and find a way to compromise you would be in a much happier relationship. And if it turns out that she's been considering leaving you if your behaviour doesn't improve, that would be sad but possibly the best thing.

You won't resolve anything well by bottling this all up and then doing something drastic that leaves her with no choice.

Originally posted by berenike
You won't resolve anything well by bottling this all up and then doing something drastic that leaves her with no choice.

Well, I guess it's come to the point where a little explanation is needed. Let's see...*trying to think of a way to condense this long story into a nut shell.*

Like I said, she lives in another state, but goes to school out here. In May, she left to go home for the summer. She offered for me to come visit her for two weeks, so I bought a ticket to come out in July. The long distance thing was working out well at first, she was calling me all of the time, etc., and then about 2 weeks before I came out, the calls slowed down a lot, she wasn't texting me, etc. I asked her "is something wrong?" she said that nothing was wrong. I got there, and things were very weird. After about a week, I'd had enough of her being extremely distant. I planned to confront her about this. I went into her room to grab something, her journal was open on the table. (Honest to God, I did not go into her room with the intention of seeing this thing.) I glanced at the journal, noticed my name, and also noticed she had been writing about how much she can't wait until I leave. She had been crossing off the days, etc. She was also talking about her guy friend/ex 'hookup friend' that she still had feelings for, and it turned out she was leaving 15 minutes early for work so she could see him. We never had a fight, I was never mean to her or distrusting...she had all of these feelings and she never thought to tell me about them. She could have told me about this before I flew out to see her. But no, I was there, thousands of miles away from anyone or anything I'm familiar with, stranded in a house with my girlfriend who can't wait until I leave and her family...and I still had 10 more days before I was to leave. I packed my things, planned to find a way out of there after I confronted her when she got home from work.

She got home, I told her everything, completely called her out and told her how horrible/unfair/immature all of this was, and that it was over and I was leaving. She hugged onto me and didn't want to let me go. I said I was still leaving. Finally after about 8 hours of convincing and me trying to find a ride to the nearest hotel/airport, she convinced me to stay and that she wanted to work things out. She swore up and down that nothing is going on with this other guy, that all she was doing was driving him home and then going to work. After all, they've been friends since freshman year of highschool and they were only 'physical' for a couple of months.

*Disclaimer: I know that was a very illogical decision for me to trust her again. I should have just dumped her right there and moved on. These things hardly ever work out after a blow like this. Trust me, I know all of this, so please don't give me the "You're an idiot, she's totally doing him" schpeel.*

Anyway, this all led to a very in depth discussion about her psychology. I've always known she couldn't stand her father, but she blames him for her paranoia that everyone is trying to control her. I hold her groceries in the store for her, she says it makes her feel controlled. I send her gifts along with a demo CD a friend and I recorded for her birthday because I couldn't be there -- it made her feel controlled. I tell her that she shouldn't drive her car when her brakes aren't working, especially when she lives at the top of a winding hill -- she gets angry at me and feels controlled. (I was right, by the way. The brakes were completely shot and she was insisting that I shouldn't try to control her and should just let her drive the car. It would have been over if they had gone out while she was driving down that hill.) She actually told me that she got scared and felt manipulated because she was calling me so much over the summer, and that's why she stopped. I wasn't telling her to call me! She was doing it out of her own free will!

There's much more than just that, but that's a brief overview. This is what I'm dealing with. This is why I have to be secretive about my feelings. We've been dating for almost a year now, and it's the longest relationship either of us have ever been in. If doing her favors makes her feel like I'm trying to control her, then imagine what "I'm not comfortable with you taking this job." is going to do. The most logical course of action is to give myself time to take it all in, see how much it bothers me, and if it's really bothering me...well, I was already considering ending it because of all of that other stuff anyway. She'll be back in 5 days, so I guess I'll try to feel it out then.

[edit on 12-8-2009 by Herman]

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time.

It can't be easy to be in a relationship where you have to be secretive about your feelings.

If you had to concentrate on all the good things would they out-weigh the bad?

I've read so many posts here just lately made by people who are devastated by relationship break-ups. I was hoping that you wouldn't put your girlfriend in that position without any warning or talking things through.

Man,
Forget the nude modeling. More than likely it was a ploy to run you off and then she could get pity out of the story because you didn't understand her or were jealous and controlling.

Games games games.

Lies lies lies.

You don't like guys who are players and date girls who are with other guys but the fact is it takes two to date. She is the one who is in a relationship and is emotionally invested with you, not the other guy. She is more to blame than the guy she's seeing.

That puts the whole thread into a new perspective.

You know what to do.



[edit on 13-8-2009 by badgerprints]

Well, it's over. I picked her up from the airport, and broke up with her outside of her apartment. I really wish I hadn't had to do that, but it was right. It hurts like Hell, but I know it had to be done. She didn't even care...she barely batted an eye.

Hello loneliness. You've been missed.

Originally posted by Herman
Well, it's over. I picked her up from the airport, and broke up with her outside of her apartment. I really wish I hadn't had to do that, but it was right. It hurts like Hell, but I know it had to be done. She didn't even care...she barely batted an eye.

Hello loneliness. You've been missed.

No worries dude. Hope you didn't feel too judged through all the posts in the thread.

Without bringing up anything you said specifically, there are two roads to every destination, so I hope it didn't jade you for the future. The same things will happen to you again, and they'll test your same nerves.

People who think they have relationships down are full of ****. There are no rules and your future wife might even cheat on you, or you on her, and things can still be ok.

Yes, I know some get the perfect story, but you don't need that to be happy. I had the perfect story and lost it randomly, but that's the way things are.

At the end of the day, just realize that women want specific things (this is a generalization and not all women are like this). But in this day and age they think they have the "perfect guy" in mind from age 10, and some never get over that stereotype. Those women might be great, but they're not ready for real life either. They aren't willing to get over some differences.

Just giving you my opinion. Don't be afraid of meeting the next. Finally, one might actually surprise us and not be a cold, heartless demon.

I give a to all women who can fall that deeply in love.

While my opinion on this may not be politically correct, it does reflect what I have learned to be true, or at least practical.

Your girlfriend is a nude model -- so what's the big deal? There is an old truth "If you don't like something change it, but if you can't change it, change you attitude about it." When you couple that with the fact that you can't change people, it pretty much leaves you with only one option -- change your attitude. The only problem for most people is that changing their attitude is the hard option in their mind because it is uncomfortable and often painful, so they choose the other option which is to change the person, you know... the impossible option. Guess how that usually ends.

Many, many (all right.. many, many, many) years ago, I fell madly in love for the first time. I was insanely jealous about my girlfriend who had a habit of playfully flirting with older men. My constant jealousy over hypothetical situations ("But what if she...") made the relationship a living hell for me and her until finally she left in disgust. Lesson learned -- the more I tried to hold on to her, the faster I pushed her away. The fundamental error I made was that I assumed that because I had relationship with her, she "belonged" to me and had to fit into my idea of what she ought to be. Which, if you take a look around at couples having problems, tends to be a common theme in many troubled relationships.

After that, I changed my attitude. Today, my attitude towards a relationship (when I am in one) is that for a while she and I are co-adventurers in life, each of us sharing our life and self with the other but remaining independent. By accepting her for exactly what she is, that sharing brings to my life new experiences and adventures and ways of thinking about the world and this life that I would never had otherwise. And the interesting part I notice is that when I am not in a relationship, like now, I feel no need to be in one.

So back to your issue. A few years back I met an artist who rocked my world. She was intelligent, radical, gorgeous and creative. Her world view constantly challenged me and forced me to question my assumptions. At one point, she expressed to me her sexual ... hmm... let's just call them "interests" which took me aback, but it was who she was. So I put aside my preconceptions and tried to understand it from her point of view. It was scary and challenging to my comfortable view of what ought to be, but in the end let's just say that I now understand and appreciate and really enjoy aspects of my own sexuality that I never thought existed.

I miss her now, she passed away because of a horribly gone wrong and supposedly safe medical procedure, but I am so very grateful to have experienced her and what she shared with me. I have no regrets but perhaps I would have if I had tried to make her into something more comfortable to deal with.

Having been there and done that, and having lost the woman of my dreams more than once, all I can say is "So your girlfriend is a nude model -- so what?" Get over it and focus on her and immerse yourself in who she is rather than trying to make her fit into your life. And if you get her to bend to your will this time.. the problem is only being deferred until the next time when she is not who you want her to be.

Love her like she will die tomorrow and this whole issue will seem silly to you after a while.

Joy to you and her.





[edit on 18-8-2009 by metamagic]

Originally posted by Herman
Well, it's over. I picked her up from the airport, and broke up with her outside of her apartment. I really wish I hadn't had to do that, but it was right. It hurts like Hell, but I know it had to be done. She didn't even care...she barely batted an eye.

Hello loneliness. You've been missed.

Actually now that I have caught up on your posts since I posted my original reply I only have three things to say.

1. Your last line should probably read "Hello self-pity. You've been missed."
2. "The fault lies not in the stars but in ourselves."
3. The primary contribution this thread can make is to serve as a cautionary tale to others

Seems to me that the whole tone of your posts is about her not being good enough for you. I wonder what the relationship looked like from her point of view?

Originally posted by metamagic

Originally posted by Herman
Well, it's over. I picked her up from the airport, and broke up with her outside of her apartment. I really wish I hadn't had to do that, but it was right. It hurts like Hell, but I know it had to be done. She didn't even care...she barely batted an eye.

Hello loneliness. You've been missed.

Actually now that I have caught up on your posts since I posted my original reply I only have three things to say.

1. Your last line should probably read "Hello self-pity. You've been missed."
2. "The fault lies not in the stars but in ourselves."
3. The primary contribution this thread can make is to serve as a cautionary tale to others

Seems to me that the whole tone of your posts is about her not being good enough for you. I wonder what the relationship looked like from her point of view?

She practically cheated on me when I was staying with her family in her home state. I spent hundreds of dollars to go there (Per her request, mind you!) and she basically ignored me, disrespected me, and completely took me for granted. She claimed to want to work things out after I found out what was going on. I thought I could get over it, and a few other things I learned about her, but I couldn't. Having 3 weeks apart with almost no communication gave me time to digest everything and come to a reasonable conclusion. The nude art model thing did not even factor into my decision when I was breaking up with her, but thanks for your understanding.

No, not self-pity -- quite the opposite. I realized I'm worth a Hell of a lot more than I was giving myself credit for. I was a great boyfriend to her, and she walked all over that. I couldn't let her jerk me around anymore, and I had to end it. Cautionary tale? Yes -- don't let people take advantage of you, because they will until you break.

reply to post by Herman


Aw, she's going to model her body for art students. What are you afraid of? That someone will see her and want her like you do? My friend, if you are feeling put off by her decisions, you probably should break it off. It wouldn't be fair to either of you to keep on if there are trust problems. Good luck.

PS - she isn't doing anything wrong by modeling.

I see now that I've read ALL of the replies that you did break up. Relationships are unique, each and every one. Better luck next time and be prepared to get hurt again, there is no avoiding it in relationships.

My husband and I met through my father. We lived over 100 miles apart for two years. He relocated, moved into my house and we were married 6 months later. Today is the 6th anniversary of our first date. Its been hard but worth it.

[edit on 18-8-2009 by Hazelnut]

lol, good for her!

I did that once, but it was for a painting that my boyfriend was doing for one of his courses. So it wasn't really weird.

i would end it right away, but thats just me. my girls line of work is... kind of similar, but she knows that her clothes stay on. im not telling you to end it, just saying that i personally couldnt deal with it. ive never been considered jealous but a group of people stairin at my girl naked just wouldnt work for me. i think the bigger issue should be that she didnt consider your feelings before taking this job. my girl wont take a job im not comfortable with, being that she values our relationship over her career. if she valued her career more, thats cool, no problem, it would just mean that we were both in the wrong relationship

to clerify, i find nothing wrong with this line of work. if your cool with it, or can get over it then do

[edit on 28-8-2009 by srslyguyz]

Originally posted by Hazelnut
reply to post by Herman

 

Aw, she's going to model her body for art students. What are you afraid of? That someone will see her and want her like you do? My friend, if you are feeling put off by her decisions, you probably should break it off. It wouldn't be fair to either of you to keep on if there are trust problems. Good luck.

PS - she isn't doing anything wrong by modeling.

I see now that I've read ALL of the replies that you did break up. Relationships are unique, each and every one. Better luck next time and be prepared to get hurt again, there is no avoiding it in relationships.

My husband and I met through my father. We lived over 100 miles apart for two years. He relocated, moved into my house and we were married 6 months later. Today is the 6th anniversary of our first date. Its been hard but worth it.

[edit on 18-8-2009 by Hazelnut]

i agree that there is nothing wrong with it her modeling, but at the same time i dont think there is anything wrong with him not wanting to be with some one who is doing that. example, i dont look down on strippers or porn stars, or disagree with there chosen jobs. but i dont want to be in a serious relationship with some one who is currently doing that, i think it all just depends on what your comfortable with

reply to post by srslyguyz


Big, BIG difference between strippers/porn stars and a girl modeling for an art class at her school.

Huge differences.

Nude modeling is pretty typical for art students. Look at how many famous paintings are of nude figures.

She won't be put into a provacative position. Usually, lounging on her side or sitting or something.

You have a right to be uncomfortable. But I personally think it is pretty harmless.

One of the hardest things for people to draw is the human body, especially the face. By the time people get into drawing a human body, they usually have already been doing it for awhile. It is not quite but almost a niche. It won't be anything they haven't seen before. Most art students have been artists for a very long time. Most start middle school if not earlier. YOu see plenty of nudes.
IN college it is a career at that point. And she is just that, a model. Like a bowl of fruit or a covered bridge.



[edit on 28-8-2009 by nixie_nox]

Originally posted by ravenshadow13
reply to post by srslyguyz

 

Big, BIG difference between strippers/porn stars and a girl modeling for an art class at her school.

Huge differences.

im aware, it was just an example. my point was showing that just because there is nothing wrong with it, doesnt mean that he has to be ok with it. im not grouping a nude model and a porn star together.