The Pain Of Break-Up

I'm currently trying to cope with the end of a 4-year relationship that ended suddenly, and for no apparent reason. I have to say, it hurts like hell. The pain is just as intense when someone close to you dies.

How can you even start to move on? It ended a couple of weeks ago, out of nowhere. It must be like how an earthquake victim feels - the very thing you trusted most in the world is no longer there to be relied on.

I have lost a best friend. A partner. The life we had planned out together. I have lost my confidence, and my trust in others too. My entire life is in tatters and I'm reeling. At 33 I feel too old to start all over again.....

How can you get over something like this?

To anyone who has been here before - how long does this pain go on?

I understand the heartache you're going through.I'm going through it myself right now.Not to hijack the thread ,but my wife of nearly five years told me she wanted a divorce on Fathers Day.We have two young boys as well.She recently told me she is " sorta " seeing a guy twelve years older than her now.

To make matters worse i had to move to Ohio where i was originally from to get my life back on track ,and shes in Arkansas with the kids.It's very hurtful and the best advice i can give you is talk to people.Talk to friends,family as it's better to get it out instead of keeping it bottled up inside.Have you talked to her at all since she left?

Keep your head up man ,and god bless!

Hi GW, thanks for the reply!

Its depresssing, eh?! At least in my case there are no kids involved. I don't know how that impacts your situation - for better or worse. I think if it was me at least I would be able to look at the kids and see that at least there was some good that came from the time together. But at the same time, I suppose it would mean having to stay in touch. Personally, I'm going down the route of having no contact with her at all - it seems easier that way. But in your case, I suppose that's a lot harder with the children there.

If I was you, I'd be furious. In a way, I wish I was -sometimes its easier to be angry. Whereas I'm just, I don't know - I have no idea what went wrong...... Its just a feeling of utter despair.

I really just hate feeling this way. Someone said its like this for around 6 months. 6 months of this - surely not?!?

I think not having contact is probably best for you.In my case i have to stay in contact.Who knows what the future holds though.Things happen for a reason,so if it was meant to be then we wouldn't be going through our situations.In my case i'm letting her be and being civil with her.I've told her how i felt about everything so atleast i got that out to her.We're all here for a purpose and there is someone out there for us all we just have to find that person.

I thought my wife was that person,and who knows maybe she still is.However,you never know when that person will come your way.Good luck.

[edit on 10-8-2009 by gw326]

Im dealing with the pain myself. 3 weeks at home just enjoying engagement, enjoying being with the one I loved. Then 2 days after I leave for an oil drilling platform, scheduled for 3 weeks away she called to end it. Now im alone for 3 weeks in a fit of rage. Its a deep pain, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Im banking on time helping me, there is that to look forward to. That and a big bout of male retardedness when I hit land again.

First off, it takes 30 days to break any habit and, to an extent, relationships are a habit. Find things to occupy your mind and your time for thirty days. A bonus to this strategy is that you'll likely meet other interesting people in that time frame. Furthermore it takes additional time to gain perspective and heal your heart. Focus on remembering who you are at your core, what you want from your life and, by all means, move forward. Don't get caught in the trap of lamenting ( for too long) what was or what might have been.

Another thing to remember is that if it is "meant to be", nothing that you can do will mess it up irrevocably and so, consequently, if it's not meant to be - nothing you can do will fix it.

Be honest with yourself. Be honest with the other person and then let it go.

I know it hurts, Ive been there. But it feels amazing when you come out of it stronger and more optimistic for a brighter tomorrow.

reply to post by Millions


I'm sorry to hear your love is lost. I was married for 9 years and I'm now going through a divorce it's hell I know but you should look to yourself for strength and figure out how to create your own happiness, that way you'll become stronger on your own. As far as starting over, don't rush it take some you time right now and try to heal, this will give you time to figure out exactly what you want out of your next relationship, best wishes.

The pain will eventually go away, the fellings on the other hand most likely will not. It has been almost 6 months for me and it still sporadically stings like a b*tch. but I survived and I have become a different and better person because of it. I wish you the same.

It takes awhile OP.

Be kind to yourself, let yourself mourn. It slowly gets better. But even years later you can be hit with an emotional crying jag over it.

Take this time to find some new routines in your life, things you enjoy doing. Don't feel compelled to rush into any new relationships. Focus on yourself for now and treating yourself kindly.

I have also separated from my partner after having been married for 21years.
She went overseas for a month and I was a bit lonely in heart and mind for all after that. But yeah like someone said the initial shock of separation does wane after 30days. Its just hell for the first few weeks .
WARNING: dont go to any online dating sites either. Because I did that and I got more depressed and lonely as no one ever quite fits up to your former partners personality and some might have more baggage which I found.
Just let nature take its course and things will happen

[edit on 2-9-2009 by Epsillion70]

you just have to grind it out brother.
my wife told me on june 15th of last year that she wanted a divorce and it crushed me. i went through all sorts of painful stages. here it is more than a year later and it still hurts but it does get easier. i don't think about her everyday anymore but i still do think about her and the times we had.
just grind it out brother.......

Thanks for your advice, everyone. It is a appreciated - it really is. Its a lonely time, and it helps (even just a little) to know that there are others out there who have experienced, or are going through something similar.

Million

Yeah man, it fades away with time.

I've been in a couple of deep relationships, both of which felt pretty brutal to end, but yeah, you'll feel better..

My trouble is, I've become pretty jaded, it's been 3 years since the last one, and I've not found the same level in all that time... it's not something I'd wish upon anyone

Hope you feel better soon though dude.

If it's any consolation....

When you decide to "get out there" again, you will be astonished at the amount of lonely women more than willing to take your mind off of your pain.

and I might add that many of them are quite up to the task.

Mine lasted... about 6 months. im surprised I didn't kill myself considering the psychological damage it did to me.

But I rose from the ashes and soared like the phoenix.

It's indeed painful, but there's no benefit to linger a past that doesn't reward you a bright future.

Id like to give you a solution but as far as I know:
People's logic can't be swayed... but their emotions are always vulnerable.

So... I'll skip the lecture and get down to the point if you feel your mind is open and ready.

Open up to other girls. Respect your self and your right to be independent. You have every RIGHT to live without your other and that is a FACT. So LIVE.

Find something that will translate that into your emotion. Whether its flirting, talking with old friends again, playing video games, getting in touch with family... the science of it all is that you simply need to get your brain active again. But the heart of it all comes from knowing that being able to love someone else comes from being able to love yourself first.

Meh, that's my 2 cents. Of course, its not ALWAYS going to be true. But its saved me from living a life of utter dispare.

i just got out of a 5 year relationship but im only in my 20s, I understand your pain it hurts like hell. I wouldnt give up on life though. Just keep going and dont let this bring you down.