Loneliness

Currently I consider myself a loner.
Its weird because my social instincts are pretty strong, so sometimes I force myself to go out and meet people.
But I get tired of everyone I meet in less then a day.
(I have many good friends in my country of origin, but since I moved to the US I have had trouble liking people)

This troubles me.
I'm still learning to appreciate my solitude.
But every now and then I feel the need to communicate, exchange and share experiences.

So what are your feelings and thoughts about loneliness?
Any ideas of how or where I could meet new people that I wouldn't get tired of really fast?

Thanks for the attention.

Maybe you should try to find some others from you're home country? I've never been an expat but have moved around the USA a fair amount. Different areas have different ways about them and it's easy to send/receive the wrong signals. People with a social style you're familiar with not only give you a comforting break from the newness but also help each other acclimate in my experience.

I'm a bit of a loner myself and have always needed time to myself. Of course no man an island and social contact is needed. -It's a tough balancing act sometimes.

reply to post by beezwaxes


I'm not sure if its just a cultural problem.
I've met some Brazilians around here and I also get tired of them pretty quickly.

Indeed its easier to communicate with them and create a bond. But everyone just seems to turn out so predictable. I think its more of a mindset thing, relating to goals and ideas then to customs and signaling.

I think only "different" people attract my attention. People that have something new to offer, something that changes my own mindset!
Don't even know if that makes sense, but its the best explanation I can come up with.

Finding a truly good friend is one of the hardest things you can do in life. I think honestly, having someone you can relate to as a best friend is harder even than finding love in a significant other.

I'm a total loner. I think you should try to just have some fun with the people as they come. This will pass. New people will come. Scenes change.

reply to post by Geladinhu


S&F for this one - it's such a good topic

Currently I consider myself a loner.
Its weird because my social instincts are pretty strong, so sometimes I force myself to go out and meet people.

:-) I think of myself as a gregarious loner

(I have many good friends in my country of origin, but since I moved to the US I have had trouble liking people)

we're an acquired taste I think - or maybe we really are just that annoying

I've heard the same thing from many people through the years - who decided they liked us a lot after enough time spent getting used to us

This troubles me.

I don't know how long you've been living here - but of one thing I'm certain - it's no small thing to uproot yourself from your home and move to a different country - even if the country is already very similar to your own - it's definitely much more difficult if the culture (and language) is very different from yours

I've never done it myself (moved to a different country) but I've had many, many friends who have moved here - from all over the world

each person brings their own temperament into the mix - some people are more adaptable than others

each an every friend that I've known that's done this has at some point said exactly what you're saying - they feel isolated - it's hard to make friends - difficult to communicate

So what are your feelings and thoughts about loneliness?
Any ideas of how or where I could meet new people that I wouldn't get tired of really fast?

loneliness is a huge subject as it is - the part that makes me laugh is the part about you finding people that won't bore you :-)

in order for any of us to make suggestions I think we'd need more to go on - what are your interests?

why do Americans bore you?

:-)

do tell - this could be a lot of fun - if you have the guts to unload in a room full of Americans (that hopefully can manage to have a sense of humor about the whole thing)

meanwhile - I really do think that ATS is an excellent place for people who are lonely - and bored

I don't know that you do - but I wouldn't necessarily consider it to be 2nd best

it's not a substitute - it's the real deal

reply to post by Spiramirabilis


I've been living here for almost 2 years maybe?
I agree with you that I need more time to fully adapt.
But I don't think the problem is specifically the American people.
People are people. They are all the same beneath the surface.
I think the problem is the "system" and the way it indoctrinates the ones who are closer to it.
And it's like I'm in the system headquarters now.
So in some ways its kind of creepy for me.

Its difficult to engage in a conversation or to create bonds with Americans mostly because they all seem highly individualistic, opportunistic and suspicious about strangers. Thats what I believe to be the system indoctrination. "Separate them and make them fearful of each other".

My interests are not common as you could probably imagine by reading what I just wrote, but they aren't totally wild too. I'm very much into metaphysics, philosophy, psychology, anthropology, consciousness, psychotropics, nature, mysteries, comedy, arts, and much more.

As I said, I don't think Americans bore me more then any other people would. Its just that it seems like there are many more "indoctrinated" Americans, despite this being called the land of the free.

Oh yeah, and definitely ATS is a great place for people like myself. I enjoy being here very much. The only thing that I miss is the physical interaction and the random engagement in adventures.


[edit on 5-8-2009 by Geladinhu]

reply to post by Geladinhu

But I don't think the problem is specifically the American people.
People are people. They are all the same beneath the surface.

yeah - I have to agree - mostly

I do think there are cultural things that are hard to work around - even when you're very aware of them - and we all have them

but you take that stuff away - and we're all the same

And it's like I'm in the system headquarters now.
So in some ways its kind of creepy for me.

(can they hear you?)

:-)

Its difficult to engage in a conversation or to create bonds with Americans mostly because they all seem highly individualistic and suspicious about strangers.

it's an interesting thing - individualism is a big deal here - RUGGED individualism is like our god

do you think it's actually suspician - or maybe we're just awkward and uncomfortable when out of our element? just curious - I think it's hard to see ourselves sometimes

on the subject of loneliness - I've wondered before if our incessant need - and actual demand for individualism - and for being able to stand on our own (as individuals and as a country) doesn't in the end produce it's own special kind of loneliness

and a very special kind of self-protective arrogance (going to be sorry I said that probably - but, oh well...) :-)

maybe what you and others are dealing with is not your own loneliness - but ours

Oh yeah, and definitely ATS is a great place for people like myself. I enjoy being here very much. The only thing that I miss is the physical interaction and the random engagement in adventures.

right - you can't replace that - and we shouldn't try

I have to say - I've had some really great conversations here - it's a good place to hang out

[edit on 8/5/2009 by Spiramirabilis]

reply to post by Spiramirabilis


I think its more likely to be suspicion and arrogance because I'm the one the feels awkward and uncomfortable when trying to engage.
Many times people look at me with a weird look and pretend like they didn't see me right afterwards. Many times I try to speak into groups but everybody just pretend like they didn't listen. Its really awkward and annoying which only makes me less eager to try again.

I know how to recognize when people are simply timid and consciously overprotective because of their sensitivity. And usually thats not the case. Usually it seems like they are just fearful of anything different or new. And I believe that in this case its not conscious.

Its like there is a very strong sense of "us and them" here.
Very different from where I come where people hardly know what is "us".
Which makes "them" something interesting and not an enemy.

I believe you are right. Its not only about my loneliness its about our loneliness. I'm just very aware of it.

im also the same,when im only i need people,but one day of social life is enough for me

reply to post by Geladinhu

Many times people look at me with a weird look and pretend like they didn't see me right afterwards. Many times I try to speak into groups but everybody just pretend like they didn't listen. Its really awkward and annoying which only makes me less eager to try again.

well - I think one thing we're not talking about here is this: some people are just rude

I'm going to use the word rude - without really getting into it - because I'm sure this goes beyond rudeness - by leaps and bounds

not sure what anybody can do about that

Usually it seems like they are just fearful of anything different or new. And I believe that in this case its not conscious.

Its like there is a very strong sense of "us and them" here.
Very different from where I come where people hardly know what is "us".
Which makes "them" something interesting and not an enemy.

interesting - I think that's pretty accurate - we do have an "us and them" thing here - that part is true

but it's not true of everybody - and it's more true of people in groups than it is of individuals

I believe you are right. Its not only about my loneliness its about our loneliness. I'm just very aware of it.

especially since you're having such a hard time connecting

I wish I had some really good advice - but the only things I can think of right now are just going to make me sound like your mom... (smile, be friendly - join a club)

nobody wants to hear that nonsense

the one thing I can think of - I have had a fair amount of friends from places all over

some of those friendships were pretty close - one thing I noticed - if you manage to make friends with people from your own country here - you end up entering a more international group of friends made up of the friends they've made - which will include more natives - who are already past the whole us vs. them thing - and it all grows from there

it's never easy - it would take me a while to make new friends - even if I just moved to a new city in my own country

My brother moved to Australia a few years back and came back broken. He had such high hopes after visiting. But he was a tourist the first time. As a resident, he couldn't find a job, nor friends, nor a woman....(which I believe was more the reason he went there) He had better luck in Ukraine.

When I traveled to Germany, I almost wanted to move there. People were so nice. Mostly the men. The woman are pretty tough.

We in the US are suspicious, groupy, and very judgmental. Period. There are so many social tests and procedures.

It's embarrassing really

I have made a lot of virtual friends. At times, they have been more fulfilling than the physical ones.
It can also make you realize how alone you are.

reply to post by seagrass

We in the US are suspicious, groupy, and very judgmental. Period. There are so many social tests and procedures.

It's embarrassing really

this is what I wonder about - because I think you may be right

but it's so hard to be objective and see ourselves the way others see us

I have made a lot of virtual friends. At times, they have been more fulfilling than the physical ones. It can also make you realize how alone you are.

ATS has been my only virtual friend experience - I wasn't really expecting friendship - at all - not sure what I was expecting

I'm not usually much of a joiner

but I've decided that it's time to remove the word virtual - aside from fighting over anchovies or no anchovies, how big a tip to leave, or what movie to watch - I don't see much of a difference anymore

:-)

besides - in here I know nobody is secretly judging my footwear choices

reply to post by Geladinhu


Sounds like taking a few classes in the subjects you like might be a good idea. You'll still run into a lot of the same crap but I think you stand a lot better chance of finding some worthwhile interaction and learn a little too.

We have a lot of zero-sum mentality in this country and it's really a pain in the ***. I see it in social situations all the time.

Seagrass-

You're a clever lady.

Originally posted by Spiramirabilis
reply to post by seagrass

this is what I wonder about - because I think you may be right

but it's so hard to be objective and see ourselves the way others see us

I compare us to an ideal, so then I compare other cultures to it too. Very few pass. But some seem healthier than others.
I see what causes pain, lack of self-esteem, success pressures, gender pressures, all amplified here. We have so much diversity and choices we can't seem to take pride or confidence in the choices we make. There is always another choice we could have chosen. So many we can't choose simultanious to the others. I see why some hate us. I see why some envy and even admire us. The country is amazing, exciting and full of lots of choices but freedom is elusive even while making those choices. Freedom starts in the mind.

ATS has been my only virtual friend experience - I wasn't really expecting friendship - at all - not sure what I was expecting

I'm not usually much of a joiner

but I've decided that it's time to remove the word virtual - aside from fighting over anchovies or no anchovies, how big a tip to leave, or what movie to watch - I don't see much of a difference anymore

I was never a joiner either, especially in school, because I liked lite friendships. I liked the aquaintanceship of people, not the intensity. But there were always the closer ones, which came and went. I didn't expect friendship here either, let alone love, but it happens, I think, due to the honesty and the fact the energy of people comes through their words. I can sense people on ATS, but I have no idea if I am right most of the time. Some stand out in color. Virtual, I like the term myself, it says these people are my friends for no other reason than the things they say and think, the energy they give off.
Virtual doesn't mean to me I like them less or that it isn't real. I feel closer to people in virtual because the social stuff isn't there as much. The honest and the effort it takes to get your point across, the lengths people will go to make a thought or conversation follow to completion...etc.

:-)

besides - in here I know nobody is secretly judging my footwear choices

This is the best part of the internet. An equalizer. What shoes do you have on? lmao

Originally posted by beezwaxes
reply to post by Geladinhu


Seagrass-

You're a clever lady.
And beez you are one of those friends. Amazing we still haven't met neighbor.
We ATSrs like our internet personalities. I call myself seagrass on occasion to myself. I like my seagrass personality.

reply to post by seagrass

I see what causes pain, lack of self-esteem, success pressures, gender pressures, all amplified here. We have so much diversity and choices we can't seem to take pride or confidence in the choices we make. There is always another choice we could have chosen.

this is a good point - so many choices and the pressures that come with - it presents it's own set of problems - separate from too few choices - I hadn't thought of it that way before

Freedom starts in the mind.

beautiful

Virtual, I like the term myself, it says these people are my friends for no other reason than the things they say and think, the energy they give off. Virtual doesn't mean to me I like them less or that it isn't real. I feel closer to people in virtual because the social stuff isn't there as much. The honest and the effort it takes to get your point across, the lengths people will go to make a thought or conversation follow to completion...etc.

all so true - really - and again - not what I was expecting or even looking for

but I agree - there's no reason why we should assume people are more honest here than "out there"

and for sure - some aren't

but I think it's possible to be more genuine in some ways in this situation - the entire idea is so interesting - this "place" and that it has the feel of place - presence - and it's full - of people

I actually feel like I'm walking into a room full of people when I'm here :-)

This is the best part of the internet. An equalizer.

it really is - an absolute gift to mankind - I hope mankind appreciates it

What shoes do you have on?

it's summer - what are shoes? :-)

the other day I was about to get on the bus - but realized I couldn't because I wasn't wearing shoes

I forget sometimes

I'm like that

:-)

Once you find "The One", you won't be much of a loner anymore. Trust me.

Originally posted by Geladinhu

So what are your feelings and thoughts about loneliness?

Loneliness is a nice place where to go, but some awful place where to live in. I can say that I share every single word you have said, because that's what happened to me too, and many times, since i have been travelling a lot for job, even to countries extremely different from mine. Well i'll tell you one thing: things started getting better only once I got rid of my countrymen living there (I didn't kill'em, just kept away from them). I'm not hinting you to forget your country of origin, i would never say that: just saying that in my humble opinion, the best thing to do is to hug the place hosting you, including its bad/strange facets: sometimes there's stuff that needs years before getting completely understood. The fact that you are not meeting people who don't get you tired after some hours, could be a sign of something of very positive in my opinion: it could mean a lot of things, for example that you like some type of music that the majority of people don't even understand, or that you like to talk about stuff that the majority of people is unable to talk about because of their ignorance, and so on. I mean, that could mean that you are some special/above the average person who needs to meet some other special ones in order to have some nice time. I'm not providing this as explanation, just sharing some examples that i've experienced personally and that i hope will help you (hoping that what I wrote is understandable, since my English sucks).
And yes, ATS/BTS is way less virtual than some people believe: here you can meet people that some day you could meet even personally if you want: please believe me when I say to you that here i've met some of the best people I've ever met.