Virgin complaint letter

Okay.. so I saw this a while back but I recently read it again and I was crying with laughter, real tears! Might have already been posted on here.. but I cant see it, but even if it has.. it needs bringing up again!

'This is a letter recently recieved by the Virgin Atlantic customer complaints team and is currently being hailed on news blogs as possibly the funniest customer complaint letter ever!
Virgin Atlantic press office confirmed that they received the letter and that Richard Branson himself called the author to thank him for the feedback!'


Dear Mr Branson

REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008

I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.

Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at the hands of your corporation.

Look at this Richard. Just look at it:


[atsimg]http://files.abovetopsecret.com/images/member/bdf46a651500.jpg[/atsimg]

I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert?

You dont get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, its next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That's got to be the clue hasn't it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in:

[atsimg]http://files.abovetopsecret.com/images/member/a7f66ba36af4.jpg[/atsimg]

I know it looks like a baaji but its in custard Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you'llbe fascinated to hear that it wasn't custard. It was sour gel with a clear oil on top. It's only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter. Perhaps the meal on the left might be the desert after all.

Anyway, this is all irrelevant at the moment. I was raised strictly but neatly by my parents and if they knew I had started desert before the main course, a sponge shaft would be the least of my worries. So lets peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see whats on offer.

I'll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine its Christmas morning and you're sat there with your final present to open. Its a big one, and you know what it is. It's that Goodmans stereo you picked out in the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.

Only you open the present and it's not in there. It's your hamster Richard. It's your hamster in the box and it's not breathing. That's how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this:

[atsimg]http://files.abovetopsecret.com/images/member/a40827dc9022.jpg[/atsimg]

Now I know what you're thinking. Youre thinking it's more of that Baaji custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. Its mustard Richard, MUSTARD. More mustard then any man could consume in a month. On the left we have a peice of brocolli and some peppers in a brown glue-like oil and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.

Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard.

By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to its baffling presentation:

[atsimg]http://files.abovetopsecret.com/images/member/969ff1d856d6.jpg[/atsimg]

It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You certainly wouldnt want to be caught carrying one of these through customs. Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the teeth than the specimen above.
I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was relax but obviously I had to sit with that mess in front of me for half an hour. I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point.

Once cleared, I decided to relax with a bit of your world-famous onboard entertainment. I switched it on:

[atsimg]http://files.abovetopsecret.com/images/member/46dde95da07c.jpg[/atsimg]

I apologise for the quality of the photo, its just it was incredibly hard to capture Boris Johnsons face through the flickering white lines running up and down the screen. Perhaps it would be better on another channel:

[atsimg]http://files.abovetopsecret.com/images/member/2040f214f45d.jpg[/atsimg]

Is that Ray Liotta? A question I found myself asking over and over again throughout the gruelling half-hour. I attempted to watch the film like this. After that I switched off. I'd had enough. I was the hungriest I'd been in my adult life and I had a splitting headache from squinting at a crackling screen.

My only option was to simply stare at the seat in front and wait for either food, or sleep. Neither came for an incredibly long time. But when it did it surpassed my wildest expectations:





cont...

[edit on 20-7-2009 by Bluebelle]

[edit on 20-7-2009 by Bluebelle]

[atsimg]http://files.abovetopsecret.com/images/member/97ad90b8cf8a.jpg[/atsimg]

Yes! It’s another crime-scene cookie. Only this time you dunk it in the white stuff.

Richard…. What is that white stuff? It looked like it was going to be yoghurt. It finally dawned on me what it was after staring at it. It was a mixture between the Baaji custard and the Mustard sauce. It reminded me of my first week at university. I had overheard that you could make a drink by mixing vodka and refreshers. I lied to my new friends and told them I’d done it loads of times. When I attempted to make the drink in a big bowl it formed a cheese Richard, a cheese. That cheese looked a lot like your baaji-mustard.

So that was that Richard. I didn’t eat a bloody thing. My only question is: How can you live like this? I can’t imagine what dinner round your house is like, it must be like something out of a nature documentary.

As I said at the start I love your brand, I really do. It’s just a shame such a simple thing could bring it crashing to it’s knees and begging for sustenance.

Yours Sincererly…



I bow down to this guy.. what a legend!

reply to post by Bluebelle


Well the thread title is highly misleading.

Funny letter all the same, ty for sharing.

HA HA Bluebell,great presentation.
It formed a laugh bluebell a laugh

I smiled all the way through.

There's a flag for you.

....and here's the star [atsimg]http://files.abovetopsecret.com/images/member/021fea4e3e73.gif[/atsimg]

[edit on 21-7-2009 by The Utopian Penguin]

Phenomenal letter!

I hope Mr Branson didn't find it so funny though. lol

I didnt see any Bajji in the photos? What was that guy served anyway? Anyone knows? I have never seen those foods before.

Originally posted by peacejet
I didnt see any Bajji in the photos? What was that guy served anyway? Anyone knows? I have never seen those foods before.

I think the baaji was the square thing.. and that dish may have been curry of some description. As for the other stuff... who knows!

reply to post by Bluebelle



This is the funniest thing I have read in a LONG time! I almost rolled out of my chair laughing and my coworker 10ft away thought I had lost my marbles until I invited him to come read for himself.

Thankyou Bluebelle! You just made my night!



S+F!

[edit on 21-7-2009 by Tank2/8]

[edit on 21-7-2009 by Tank2/8]

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time...crime scene cookie!!!

I couldn't stop laughing as I read it; brilliant presentation and I hope there menu changes as a result.

Omg that was hilarious...

Originally posted by Bluebelle

Originally posted by peacejet
I didnt see any Bajji in the photos? What was that guy served anyway? Anyone knows? I have never seen those foods before.

I think the baaji was the square thing.. and that dish may have been curry of some description. As for the other stuff... who knows!

No, those are not bajjis. I am from India and eat lots of them everyday. They are not square. They are a bit long and fried in oil.

omg.. I sent this to everyone I knew haha..

A Cheese Richard, a CHEESE!

That was hilarious, however, unfortunately after reading it Branson had this guy killed and served on the next flight.

Only you open the present and it's not in there. It's your hamster Richard. It's your hamster in the box and it's not breathing. That's how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this:

This is great...

Actually the whole letter is a pretty good template for a complaint letter - first he complements the brand and shows an interest in continuing to be a customer - that's important, any business is more likely to grovel and send you freebies! - Then he has a genuine complaint, loads of information and he's even personalised it...

That could so easily of become a rant yet he kept it light and funny - that's classy complaining if I've ever seen it - And I've done quite a bit of front end service industry work in my time.

Ok that was pretty freaking funny. That had me laughing out loud. I am still chuckling, and the first description and questions were exactly what I thought. What is that?

Crime scene cookie. LMFAO

I managed to hold back laughter until:

"Richard…. What is that white stuff?"

Hilarious.

I literally woke my son up from laughing so hard.

>

HAAAAAAAAAAAA that was hilarious!

I had a really bad night last night and needed a good long laugh. I laughed through the whole thing.

I wonder what Mr. Branson had to say to this! Too funny!

the best was the "crime scene" cookie!! lmao!

reply to post by mblahnikluver


LMFAO "What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert" wow good complaint letter thou wow that was funny as hell thats what would have happened if you ate that, oh btw the title was kinda misleading

Old thread I know,but that is hilarious!

I just had to bump it.

After having many of meals like that one served to me I was LOL the entire time I was reading that letter, He got his point across without being rude and it was very light and funny, I loved it! thanks for sharing.