A Somewhat Philosophical Question

I've been around ATS for awhile now, asked a few questions here and answered a few there to the best of my ability and hopefully helped someone else along, I feel comfortable enough to post this question.

A few years ago, I was in a very bad accident, a lady rear ended me at 54mph while I was sitting at a stop sign, a block from my driveway, on a day that I wouldn't even have been out doing anything ( I was compiling code and wouldn't have left my PC ) unless my now ex asked me to go to the store. In the ensuing accident, I cracked 2 vertebrae in my neck 1 in my lower back, the bolts from the seat broke which threw me into the steering wheel and crossbar ( it was a convertible ) which broke my jaw, nose and upper mandible, as well as my right arm and wrist as they were thrown into the dash ( I was changing the track on the CD I was listening to when she hit me) I also was dead on the scene for 5 1/2 minutes until I was revived.

Up until this point, my life was spectacular great job, had a house no real worries, I was just an average guy enjoying life with some inconveniences that everyone experiences from time to time.I healed from the accident amazingly fast ( I have always been a fast healer), however since then I have watched my life take a nosedive beyond belief, I was unable to really sue the woman who hit me because of the laws where I lived, outside of the medical and some personal injury, my partner left me due stress of me being injured and I was unable to " take care of thier needs" eventually lost my job etc. I have zero ambition, or drive I dont feel happy, I don't feel sad, I feel really rather nothing at all most times. I'm not on any medications or anything, and I wouldn't say I'm depressed, not suicidal or anything like that.

The more I think about it, the more it seems to me that perhaps I was supposed to die that day and I didn't, and thusly I'm trying to live a life that's not meant to be. It feels like I have fulfilled whatever purpose I was here to serve however I cheated the mechanisim that allows you to move on to the next life. I've tried talking to people around me about it but they usually tend to shy away from this or think I am talking about offing myself or some nonsense like that.

I guess it's easier to talk to strangers on a message board as there is some anonymity involved and a wider knowledge base. So any input I could get from the good folks here would be a huge help to me in trying to figure out myself or get me back on the track I should be on or whatever.


Cheers.

reply to post by Kuronotenshi


An interesting topic. I can say that I have wondered the same thing in my life. I haven't been through what you have but I have been to the point where I have wondered what you are wondering. Truth be told, I am still kind of at that state.

The more I think about it, the more it seems to me that perhaps I was supposed to die that day and I didn't, and thusly I'm trying to live a life that's not meant to be. It feels like I have fulfilled whatever purpose I was here to serve however I cheated the mechanisim that allows you to move on to the next life.

My current line of reasoning on this topic is that we may have been steered off course, but we are still supposed to be here. I think our goal now is to find what our purpose is supposed to be and try to get back on track. I know it is much easier said than done, but that is my current opinion.

Firstly, what do you care about deeply?

Do you have nightmares of the accident? Does the memory of the accident prevent you from driving, going out, or performing any other normal activities?

Honestly, it sounds like you may have developed a post-traumatic stress disorder.

Jon

reply to post by Karlhungis
Perhaps, it's something to think about.

reply to post by Voxel
Care deeply about, nothing really anymore, it's just kinda sailing through the day to the next one. I'm not afraid of driving or going out etc I don't have any nightmares about the accident. I don't get twitchy in cars or anything like that, basically I just feel hollow most of the time. Don't get me wrong I laugh and stuff but in ways sometimes it just feels like going through the motions.

I really am not trying to come off as emo/poor poor me with this post, I dont dress in black and listen to Simple Plan, on the surface I'm sure I seem normal it's less whats outside and more whats inside.

reply to post by Kuronotenshi


What you described is how I have been feeling lately as well. Your abrupt incident is your defining point of changes that I believe we are all experiencing to some degree. Some people more drastic than others but we are all undergoing personal changes that are hard to articulate.

My previous life also came to an end but was more drawn out, lasting approximately 2 years and included many emotional upheavals back-to-back. I was estranged from my family for most of my life until they began dying, one by one. The ones that didn't die and who weren't estranged from me, also have "disappeared" from my life. I feel like I've been emptied out, my chalkboard erased and now I'm unsure of myself, who I am and what I want.

I don't seem to want anything anymore despite allowing myself to entertain many possibilities. No ambition, determination, motivation, desire for any specific thing. Which is not the me I used to know! However, I am even more alert and developing extra senses and a realization that I am capable of more than the limits set upon me by the outside world. My world consists of what happens in my mind, my imagination, my focus.

Compassion and empathy are now playing a greater role and are the beginnings of a new path in my life. Somehow I've begun feeling that what I was before was only a prelude to what is coming. It has been said that there will come a time of emptying the soul so that it can be rebuilt in a more perfect way.

Could that be what has happened to you? Having your life (YOU) turned upside down is never pleasant, but you may become MORE than you were before. Somehow.

Very interesting question.

my initial thoughts, i hope they help but prob not

Have you had any other near misses since then?
Did this serve as a wake up call about what is really important in life to you?
It may be that now you appreciate 'life' as such, you have repriortised things, perhaps unconsciously even, and that is the reason for your disinterest in what was previously important to you.
If your time was up as you suggest that opens a whole can of worms of which the implications are enormous, ie if life is prescheduled/foredained then effectively none of us has free will.
So I suppose I am saying you were not 'meant' to die or at least I hope not. I suppose some will suggest you have dropped out the Matrix etc.

I am not suggesting you test this, and my tongue is slightly in cheek now, but i wonder whether you are now indestructable (like capt jack in Dr WHO)

Are you saying you are verging on a catonic state or just can't be bothered with anything.
Does anything really interest you anymore and if anything does you could try rebuilding around that.

Hope the above is of some help and you find a reason/interest soon.

Also I find life like that - everything goes great for a while then goes completely tits up. many would argue their god has taken you into the wilderness/cave so that you listen to him/her and to some extent i believe this could be true.
Anyway hope you get some better ideas and thoughts from others.

Originally posted by Hazelnut
reply to post by Kuronotenshi

 

I don't seem to want anything anymore despite allowing myself to entertain many possibilities. No ambition, determination, motivation, desire for any specific thing. Which is not the me I used to know! However, I am even more alert and developing extra senses and a realization that I am capable of more than the limits set upon me by the outside world. My world consists of what happens in my mind, my imagination, my focus.

This comes closer to explaining how I feel that what I wrote, I'm not the best when it comes to detailing how I feel about things. I wouldn't say that I feel more "in tune" but I do feel sometimes for rare fleeting moments it feels like something else is there, or there is an idea that if I could just have another moment to figure it out, I could but then it's gone.

reply to post by johnb
I've had some "oh sh*t moments, I was in a store that was being robbed, at the time I wasn't aware of it, after they reviewed the tape the police told me the guy had his gun pointed at my back while I was getting doughnuts off the shelf but then he ran out the back ( it was 3am so I wasnt really paying attention, it was a cold night and him and the clerk both were wearing similar clothing and I tend to not pay attention to things sometimes)

I don't think I'm indestructible or anything by any means ( as neat as that may be ) I believe that there is free will but also destiny to a certain point as well, IE we all have a one thing that we are meant to do etc but I also think that you can miss that oppurtunity so maybe I missed mine and it was time for a reboot but that didn't work right. Again I'm really bad at describing how I feel sometimes. I have "intrests" to a point but I get very bored very fast with just about anything, I used to love to game, now I barely play something for 10 mins and im totally over it. I was very much into Kenjutsu ( the love of my life) and even that doesn't do anything for me anymore.

You have my sympathy and empathy, I have a similar story - although I made a very serious attempt at suicide and somehow survived, my attitude to this is somewhat ambivalent.

I take it one day at a time, I have a great family and friends, but some things still don't feel right... I went for counselling for a while afterward and it helped me talk through some things and get them straight in my head. Some days just seem grey and pointless though.

Let's face it, you're lucid, coherent and articulate enough to talk about it, even anonymously - You're worth having around.

I think as long as your here you still have a purpose, you might just have to find out what that purpose is.......

Honestly if you were supposed to die that day you would be dead. The fact you are still here means you haven't quite found everything you were supposed to do. Keep living and never give up you'll find it eventually.

reply to post by Beach Bum



I imagine that's probably the case but it's something I just wanted to talk to some people about, get some insight from others that maybe are going/have gone through the same thing in their lives as well.

I think the biggest problem I have is that I think absolutely way too much about everything anymore, sometimes it would be cool to just have the old brain stop thinking for a moment, there are times anymore where something will strike me and I pretty much just stand in one spot and think about it, then that leads to something then another then etc etc. It can be awkward when someone is talking to you and it's very clear you aren't listening to them.

Anyhow, thanks everyone here at ATS for letting me get this off my chest, it's helps somewhat.

**bonus points for you having that serenity quote in your sig, there is a rumor there may be another movie coming out**


[edit on 17-6-2009 by Kuronotenshi]

... I'm not sure what to say. I experienced a similar event, although i was never dead. Though the events leading up to it seem like signals that in a way warned me if i was paying attnetion. If you believe that you should have died, and not that you are blessed or lucky to be alive, then you need to change your mindset. If you cannot do that, then perhaps try to recall the days or day and moments leading up to it. try remembering what you were thinking, what you were working on, what song... all kinds of things. Though i would suggest going outside, looking at the scenery, and enjoying the fact you are alive. Then find your passion.

reply to post by Myendica



Don't get me wrong, I am very much happy that I am alive, but just doesn't feel like I should be. Have you ever seen or read the Langoliers, the part where they are "before now" with time catching up to them, how everything is just kind of bland and what not, most days are like that, not all of them but enough that it makes one think.

reply to post by Kuronotenshi



I really think it is mindset. Life is long, and perhaps you just wish it had ended for you back then. I questioned why i survived a whole slew of events in my life, and you really can't explain everything, only realize that there is an underlying demension that guides you through your life that knows what is going to happen, and subtle little things push you in different directions so that the event misses you. Kind of like NASA idea to push a comet or asteroid away from earths path. atleast thats what i feel and have taken from my experiences.

Originally posted by Kuronotenshi
reply to post by Voxel

 

Care deeply about, nothing really anymore, it's just kinda sailing through the day to the next one.

It sounds to me that you woke up from the fantasy. You should be grateful, few ever wake up from the eternal dream.

I am going to assume that at some point in life you thought that the goal of your life was:
"2.5 kids, a house, a job, and a loving wife."

Then you had your accident and you subconsciously took a look at your life. You didn't like what you saw as your legacy or at least it wasn't as fulfilling as you had hoped.

The near-death incident forced you to ask a question of yourself few ever ask: "If I died today, would I be proud of what I did with my life?"

When all is said and done what you have to decide for yourself is, "What does being human mean to me?"

On the one hand, humans can be galactic cattle. We grow up. We have kids. We raise them to grow up and have kids. This is usually as deeply as most people think about our existence.

On the other hand, humans might just be more. Within you lives an unrealized reality that you may be denying. It is this denial of ourselves that is at the heart of most emotional turmoil.

I would honestly suggest a little meditation. Try asking yourself what you want out of life. When the true answer comes to you, you will feel a general lightness of being.

Jon

Begin with a seed of gratitude, and water it. There is always something to be grateful for. Generate a new life from that small start, however tiny at first. That's my two cents.

Most interesting. I can empathise with the depression of such realisations. Can I ask:

Did you see your life flash before your eyes?
Am I right in saying that when you say you are cheating the system, you are being given the feeling SYSTEM ERROR, like you are experiencing a problem with a computer, or a computer like system?
What exactly saved your life, if indeed you thought you were to die?
Were you knocked unconscious in the unfortunate accident and if so do you recall anything?
What were the symbols that death was heading your way.

Its just that recently I have happened across a theory that suggests from the perspective of our own consciousness, we never actaully reach the point of death. Time just doubles forever.

All I can say otherwise is, have you ever tried to contact your higher self? It is said that the higher self controls these things.

Originally posted by Kuronotenshi

Originally posted by Hazelnut
reply to post by Kuronotenshi

 

I don't seem to want anything anymore despite allowing myself to entertain many possibilities. No ambition, determination, motivation, desire for any specific thing. Which is not the me I used to know! However, I am even more alert and developing extra senses and a realization that I am capable of more than the limits set upon me by the outside world. My world consists of what happens in my mind, my imagination, my focus.

This comes closer to explaining how I feel that what I wrote, I'm not the best when it comes to detailing how I feel about things. I wouldn't say that I feel more "in tune" but I do feel sometimes for rare fleeting moments it feels like something else is there, or there is an idea that if I could just have another moment to figure it out, I could but then it's gone.

I think this is our awakening... mankinds awakening, I mean. I feel the exact same way. It's weird I have no ambition either, not for anything specific anyway.

Last night I felt like there was something there, too! I knew it was there, but I could not for the life of me figure it out, or find it would be a better way to say it.



edit cause I added more

[edit on 17-6-2009 by blujay]

I can relate to this, and I've had more than one occasion that I'm 99% certain I somehow cheated death. Each time it just makes me more hollow. I feel like nothing matters and I'm not really supposed to be alive. I know what you mean, I'm not suicidal at all, but I tend to take higher risks and do things where there is a good chance of serious injury or death. Not only that, but I just don't care what happens to me. It just feels like there's no reason to worry about it. I drive on a suspended license, I haven't gone to a court date in years, and the only reason my tickets are paid is because my parents don't want me in jail, but I really just don't care.

Sounds like you're just bummed over loosing your girlfriend, job, etc.

Make sure to get out, meet new people, exercise, eat healthy foods, and watch plenty of cheesy comedies (I think jack black has a new movie that came out today -- Year One).


Another line of thought might be that the accident screwed something up in your head (reasonable theory imo), and you're experiencing the effects of brain damage. You said you were dead for 5 minutes -- that's enough time for brain cells to start dieing due to lack of oxygen.

Brain cells are extremely sensitive to oxygen deprivation. Some brain cells actually start dying less than 5 minutes after their oxygen supply disappears. As a result, brain hypoxia can rapidly cause death or severe brain damage.

linky dinky


Either way, hope you start feeling better.
Oh yea, and there is no god or afterlife.

Cheers