Understanding Depression (Important Info Everyone Should Know)

Wow, I didn't realize BPD meant Bi Polar Disorder... I was diagnosed BPD also, but a different psychological disorder completely. (won't disclose)

Just can't win, something is messing us up. lol

I am the self-medicate type. Big pharma will NOT be in control of my addictions. lol

Anyway, showing ya some support.... It sucks to deal with the depression, among other problems, that BPD (mine and yours both, apparently) causes.

I think if it takes drugs to get through life, gotta live for something. Dunno how people can stay sober and take on the world.

I sometimes think it would be better to be normal, oblivious, and optimistic... Isn't that the way most people are? I will never understand 'normal'. Or anyone, for that matter...

I was officially diagnosed at the end of 2005, but I had been fighting it since the 7th grade. It wasn't something to admit to, because it meant you were crazy. Anyone who knew me, would never have guessed I was anything but happy, and well adjusted.

To be diagnosed as Depressed, you need to meet at least 3 criteria for the disease, I met 7. The doctor decided to try Zoloft (EVIL medicine) and see how it worked for me. I got my prescription, and read up on the meds in the handout I got, which said it would take at least 3 weeks to start to work. This was just before Christmas.

By the second week on Zoloft, I was no longer sleeping more than 4 hours a night, and things around me were getting worse (I realize now that a large part of why things got so much worse was an emotionally abusive long distance relationship). Sometime around the beginning off January, I took up cutting my wrist. I wasn't trying to hurt myself, but the pain let me feel things again. Something in my brain stopped reacting to emotional stimuli. I would get bad news, react to other people, how I was expected to react, but inside I felt nothing. One morning (after the 9th time I cut my wrist), I ended up driving myself to the ER, after I cut my wrist so badly I nicked the artery, and watched blood go spurting. My first reaction, wasn't horror, or shock, or anything else.... it was "Oh cool, it pulses in time with the pulse."

I wrapped a washcloth around my wrist, climbed into the car, and drove 10 miles to the nearest ER, where they put 8 stitches into my wrist, and called my parents to come get me.

I went back to see my regular dr to have the stitches examined, and talk to him about the Zoloft. He decided to put me on Paxil, which had a slight sedative in it, so that I could sleep again. So off I go with my new medicine, and try again. By the fourth DAY on Paxil, I realized that I was sleeping no less than 10 hours a night, and was always exhausted. At that point, I decided to throw the medications away, and I'd get through this crap on my own.

Last year, I met someone who really helped me to get past where I was stuck for so long. I'm not cured, by ANY stretch of the imagination, and probably never will be. Almost 2 1/2 years after the last time I cut myself, I had a REALLY bad day, and found myself sitting on the couch, alone, with a razor blade sitting on the table in front of me. NOT cutting myself again was the single hardest thing that I have ever done in my life.

Depression is real, and it's a brutal debilitating disease. Medication works for some people, but doesn't for others. I know some people that swear by Zoloft, and what a wonderful drug it is. If the dr told me to take Zoloft or die, I would walk away from it and never touch it. I have made the decision that I will not take medication again, unless I'm suffering so badly I can't even function without it because of what happened to me with these drugs.

I don't blame the drug companies though, because I've seen how I react to other medications, so much differently than most people do. A slight sedative is like a massive dose for me, and where a massive dose of painkillers will barely bother me some days, it would take other people right off their feet. We're all different, and how the medications affects us is totally different person to person.

reply to post by Zaphod58


Thank you for sharing your story Zaphod, your comments are very true. Medications work differently for almost every person. That is why it is so hard to treat depression and is sometimes dangerous. When the anti-depressants state on their labels:

All patients starting therapy should be monitored appropriately and observed closely for new or worsening depression symptoms, suicidal thoughts or behavior, or unusual changes in behavior.

They mean it. Certain types of medications increase depression in certain people. Like you said with Zoloft.
Mine is Paxil, it causes me to have a manic high.

reply to post by Tentickles


Great thread tentickles. I was diagnosed in December last year. The medication Im on is called Mirtazopine. Its great stuff very little if any side effects. Combined with that and seeing a psychologist, Im glad to say that my general well being has improved quite a lot.

Im glad you are raising awareness, some extremely ignorant people at ATS think depression is not an illness. Some even think that suicidal thoughts resulting from depression arent serious.

S and F

reply to post by OzWeatherman


I am glad to hear that you are doing great Oz! It is always awesome to know ATSrs are doing well and thriving in life!

Edit: My r button hates me.

[edit on 4/16/2009 by Tentickles]

[edit on 14f20094amThu, 16 Apr 2009 02:40:10 -050010 by HiAliens]

Hey there, sorry i didn't have enough time to read all the replys seeing how it's going on five in the morning and need to be to bed real soon. Anyways, i suffer from both depression and bi-polar and am currently on meds for it. I tell my girlfriend all the time how people that have never had these types of things would never understand them but seeing your post gives a good insight on these things. I lost my dad when i was 9 years old i'm 24 now and i believe i've had depression since my lose. It really kicked in when i was 16 i could not even get out of bed i was so bad. I've had alot of problems since then but in the past few years things have been really stable for me...I'm still crazy but that part will never go away. Thanks for your post it was very informative and i hope it helps people with this terrible thing to realize that they're not alone, and there is help.

Thank you tentickles for starting this important and informative thread. (S+F)

I suffered from depression and anxiety. Not sure which came first, the anxiety or the depression. I always think that being anxious 24/7 is enough to make anyone depressed, though I believe they are linked.

I was diagnosed about 5 years ago but lived with it for nearly 10 years before seeking help. It all started in my early 20's, when all of the sudden I became anxious for no apparent reason. It eventually developed into frequent panic attacks, that's when I finally saw a doctor and was referred to a psychotherapist. I was put on Esipram (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) and it made things much much worse. It got to a point where I started having suicidal thoughts, at that point I decided to go cold turkey (against my Doctor's advice). Admittedly I should have weened myself off the drug cause going cold turkey had a dramatic effect on me.

On a positive note, I discovered that vigorous exercise calms me down so much so that I haven't had a panic attack for 2 years, and my anxiety and depression are almost non-existent. Occasionally, like today I was a bit fidgety due to not going on my morning run because of bad weather. Other than that life is great, though I regret taking so long for seeking help. That's 10 years I won't get back.

reply to post by yizzel


Thank you for adding your story yizzel. Your method of controlling your anxiety and depression is a great method.

Exercise psychologist Andrea Dunn, Ph.D., of The Cooper Institute in Dallas, says exercise is a viable treatment for depression. "It affects the biology in the brain in the same way that anti-depressant drugs do," she says.

Good thread. It's good to talk about things, get em out

I was put in a Foster home around age 7, due to Moms achoholism, and Dads mental illness(Bi-polar).

I've been seeing shrinks since I can remember, in and out of nut wards, I was a big cutter when I was 14-16, I dranks a 12 pack nearly every night with the older kids. I dropped out of high school after 10th grade. I started doing alot of drugs, coke ect.

After a couple real suicide attempts, and the lose of my GF, and my 1st daughter being taken away at birth when I was 19 or so, I started useing Heroin.

I had another daughter at 21 w/ my heroin partner GF(my daughter,now 12 is the only reason I still go through the day.) Me and her mother never married, and are no longer together she left me soon after my daughter was born, and she stopped useing and I couldn't, I haven't been with anyone since. Lame...

About 10 years ago, trying to become a responsible parent/person, I got on the Methadone program. Things went well for a while Until one day takeing the train home from the clinic, I fell off(or was pushed off,by some accounts)the platform, and lost my right leg above the knee.

I had no chance ata law suit since I had opiates(methadone) in my system.

I move down to FL to stay with my parents(this was about 9 years ago), and I've been in this room ever since. I visit my daughter 2-3 times a year. Until recently.

I got on disability, got off the meth clinic, and instead started seeing a pain management doctor who writes me scripts for Meth and Xanax. I've been takeing massive amounts of those along with anti depressants off and on for the last 5-6 years.

But last month they cancelled my disability. So I have zero income, no skills to get a job. All the work I did after dropping out of school was construction, I was a plumbing mechanic, carpenter,Lanscaper, mover, worked all sorts of jobs, but none that I can do with 1 leg.

So I decided about 3 weeks ago when I got the Disability cut, that I had to come off the meds.

For one, they are sucking the life and joy and everything out of me. Two, I can't afford it.

So I've taken my last perscriptions, and caculated, the best way to cut down over the next 90 days. It's gonna be alot quicker, and more brutal than I had planned. With the amount of meds I'm on, and the length of time I've been on them, this withdrawel should have been properly planned, and done over a longer period, and with the help of other meds (non opiate) that will help when I'm completely off the methadone and Xanax. However...I haven't the luxury.

I cant afford to visit my daughter anymore. I can't sleep, or eat, this withdrawel is getting unbearable. I've started cutting again, something I havent done in 15 years. I dunno.....but each day is getting harder. I hope I make it through.

Really if not for my Daughter, and parents, and sister, I'd off myself in a heartbeat.

Well whatever, the nukes could start flying tommorow. I could get hit by lightining, whatever. Just wish I could get a day or so break from this withdrawel.

Good luck to all that post/posted in this thread. Life Sucks sometimes.

[edit on 16-4-2009 by Nola213]

reply to post by Tentickles


Kudo's to you for bringing up the subject. I have suffered from depression/ bi-polar disorder, among others for my entire life.

While nobody in my family is willing to discuss it, I am sure that everyone in my family suffers from some form of severe mental illness.

Whenever I bring up the subject, I am told that it is not polite to do so, like I am stepping over some sort of personal boundry with the subject. I have come to the conclusion that people who are mentally ill, but have never sought help, are sort of like addicts. They think there is nothing wrong with them at all.

I do know that it is there, the family history, just based on a story from my Mother, alone. She discovered the body of her grandfather hanging in a barn while she was a small child. She describes it as being his own personal demon, that could not possibly affect anything to do with herself.

She's the queen of mental illness, though if you ask her, she's the only normal one. Like Kyred, I suffered beatings at the hand of this woman on a daily basis, and when she was done doing so, she would get my father to continue it, as soon as he walked in the door from work. In this day and age, my parents would have been in prison. It was not uncommon for me to go to school with black eyes, and other bruises on my body, however, at that time, teachers did not get involved in those sorts of issues. I did have one teacher while I was very young, who would take me out into the hall at school, and talk to me, and this woman would cry!
When my family built a new home in another school district, this woman had a special conference with my parents to let them know of her concerns for my safety. A very risky thing for her to do back in the 1960's.

The torture continued on from then, and I lived most of my life in the deepest darkness, whatever, that is so hard to describe. Nothing, even to this day makes me happy, even when I should be. This is the case even when having been on medication. Like some others describe, all I got was a zombie like feeling, that caused me to loose ambition, to do anything creative at least. When on meds, I miss the manic episodes that help me to accomplish anything. I've never had a happy balance being on any sort of medication. What happens with me, is when they finally start working, they then have to be added to. While I was on prozac, it worked for a couple of months, and at one point I was taking about 8 of them a day, and when that failed to do the job, the Dr added anti-seizure medication to the mix (don't know why, I never had seizures) and eventually that quit working, as well. I have to switch medications so often, that I think they are going to run out of options for me eventually.

Anyway, I am happy for this threads existance, and to read the experiences of other people.

I do find that diet does directly affect me. I am basically on a raw vegetable diet, that works for me. I can't eat bread, and I know I cannot have things with sugar in them. I also have issues even if I eat something salty, so, I have to be very careful. Eating anything sugary messes up my sleep patterns for a few days, in other words, I can't sleep if I sneak a peice of candy now and then. I'm being serious here! I guess the diet part isn't too bad, being my age, I have a great figure, anyway!

Another thing I have pondered, and feel guilty about is knowing that there is a family history of mental illness in my family. Personally, I know my parents should never have had children, because they passed their illness on to me. I think it's almost criminal for people with mental illness to have children, so, I do greatly appreciate Kyred for sharing the story they did. I shouldn't talk though, because I have 4 beautiful children of my own, and some of them show symptoms as well, and I feel guilty for that.


edit typo






[edit on 16-4-2009 by Blanca Rose]

reply to post by Nola213


I'm sorry to hear you are in such a hard time Nola, I offer you my support if you need it feel free to send me U2Us to just talk about anything. Have you tried counseling? I know some churches offer it free to anyone who needs it.

I do hope life gets better for you soon! Be safe while going through withdrawal, I have gone through it myself when I switch medications and it is horrible!

Do resist the urge to hurt yourself. Find other outlets for your pain.

Good informative thread thanks OP, my brother in law is going through a form of depression right now, he locks himself in his room and continually drinks and takes drugs. I'm trying to define what sort of depression he has and formalising some options of dealing with his depression weather it be medication, mental help or rehab.

Oneness..

reply to post by Blanca Rose


Blanca thank you for sharing your story. I am sad to hear that you have suffered such abuse at the hands of your parents! It is a crime they and many other get away with such things, taking out their problems on their children is just horrible. I do wish for you to find some happiness in your life.

Have you spoken to your children about depression? Knowledge is power!

reply to post by free_spirit_earth


FSE, have you thought about going to a doctor and describing what he is doing to the doctor? Anything to help your brother is best, even just a small show of support.

Originally posted by free_spirit_earth
Good informative thread thanks OP, my brother in law is going through a form of depression right now, he locks himself in his room and continually drinks and takes drugs. I'm trying to define what sort of depression he has and formalising some options of dealing with his depression weather it be medication, mental help or rehab.

Oneness..

Take it from a person who knows, if your brother in law is doing this, he is self medicating to control his depression.

Often times, people who drink and take drugs do so because they are mentally ill, and if they are not getting help, this is what they do!

Thanks for your story tentickles, so much of your childhood rang true with what I can remember of my own, not that I really have many memories, only the bad stuff sticks out...

as a teenager i got involved in drugs which i now see as a sort of self medication, not a good idea only leads to more problems...anyway this led to a seratonin deficiancy, like smeone above.. so have now been on meds for this for more years than i can be bothered to work out..

depression/bi-polar is always protrayed in the media as an illness that isolates the person, but the one symptom/side effect of the illness that i actually miss is the high times, now I dont ever feel really down or really high, I'm just on a a level. I have in the past purposely stopped the meds just to get that high once more, but the crash at the end is just not worth it now as they were getting worse an worse.

anyway star an flag for the thred tentickles, dont be surprised to see me on your friends list as i usually add those that write something that touches me

reply to post by Tentickles



Oh yes, I do speak to my children about it all the time. A couple of them are in therapy. Neither of them are taking any meds at this point, but I tell them to keep that option open, if need be.

All of my children are very intelligent, and I am not bragging. They still have the creativity level that big pharma drugs don't kill.

One is a musician, and the other an artist. (all my children are very artistic but don't make a living off if it like the other 2)

Also, have you noticed, or is it just me, that most people who do suffer from mental illness, tend to be very intelligent? Almost frighteningly so? Take yourself, for example!

reply to post by whoswatchinwho


Your welcome friend.

The media, oh dont get me started on them.

I hate this commercial!
Yes, because everyone with Bi-polar disorder walks down the gloomy beach alone and hugs themselves!

[edit on 4/16/2009 by Tentickles]

reply to post by Blanca Rose


Oh my, thank you for the compliment! (If I told you my age you would # your pants.)
Personally, I spent a lot of time reading and learning rather then spending time with people.

It's great to hear you keep your family informed and they are so creative!