Men drive me crazy !!!! Grrrr

I need to vent.



Why do you say you don't want marriage and yet you have been married before?

Why do you act like my crying is a mind game and get mad at me when sometimes you truly hurt my feelings and I can't help it?

Why do you treat me like I am a whore when I want sex and refuse to do foreplay when you want it?

Why do you treat your sister with more respect then you have ever shown me?

Why do you take me for granted?

Why do you look at other women while I am standing next to you?

Why do you try to make everything a joke when I am trying to talk to you about our life, the bills and the kids?

Why don't you say I am beautiful or you love me anymore?

Why can't I feel like we connect?

Why do I feel so hurt and sad?

Why do I even bother when you don't seem to care anymore?

Why does this suck so much?


Sighhh

MEN !!!!

:bnghd:

I also have a question. Why are you still with him? From what you've posted here it sounds as if you're not very compatable. Sounds like he treats you like S### and you deserve better than that. Maybe you needed to see it written down infront of you to realise it. But I'm sorry to say, but it sounds like you've both drifted. Obviously I can't tell that from one post for sure. But the fact you've got a list like that to rant about speaks for itself honey.

You have to ask yourself how you see this situation changing, and how it can benifit you and your kids. Or, how if this situation doesn't change, how it could negativly effect you and your kids. Don't cling on to him cos you feel you have to. Sounds like he's draggin you down. And you know you want it better than that!

Thanks for the replies.

I am just scared.

You spend so many years with someone and you sort of become complacent about how they treat you and how you fit into the relationship. Co-dependant probably and after being with him for years and years and getting no feedback on a daily basis I have sort of let myself start believing I am not worth a lot anymore. It's sad and cliche I know, but I am so tired all the time. It's getting to me.

I have started the mental process of letting go, but it's been rough and the worse part is I know he will be fine and move on quickly and probably not even shed one tear.

Sighh.

You are worth it, you are worth every second of happiness you can get me dear. If he doesn't think that you're worth it, then it's his loss, not yours. And of course it's going to be hard. You've been with him for a long period of time (by the sound of it) and letting go of something that's become so familular in your life will be a hard road to take. It's good that you've started the memntal process of letting go. You have to prepare for a big change like this mentally first. Just don't let go of your goals and sights. Don't let him think that you're anything less than a beautiful wonderful woman. No matter what his words are, you can know that they are born from something other than truth.

It's ok to be scared. Just remember, your kids are there for you. And so are we.

Originally posted by Ellipsis
I have started the mental process of letting go, but it's been rough and the worse part is I know he will be fine and move on quickly and probably not even shed one tear.

Sighh.

No,he may show a tough side,but he'll kick himself afterwards if that makes you feel better.

Still,you're right to prepare yourself,for the lack of respect point alone he doesn't deserve you..
Anyway,enough about him...

"How U doin?"

I said this to someone else recently in another thread: if someone doesn't appreciate you then they don't deserve you.

So what if he's not too bothered when you dump him? You already know he's an insensitive git.

Worry about your own feelings. Don't stay with someone who drains your confidence and makes you feel bad about yourself.

There are 4 options:

Be happy in a relationship
Be happy by yourself
Be unhappy in a relationship
Be unhappy by yourself.

So you've got 3 other options and they all look better than the one you've got.

Even if you're unhappy by yourself at first at least you won't have him dragging you down. If you hit rock bottom you can just bounce right up without any impediment from him.

This sounds a bit harsh, but it's supposed to be encouraging. Good luck.

Why do you say you don't want marriage and yet you have been married before?

That's precisely why one wouldn't want marriage...obviously the first one didn't turn out so hot...

Why do you act like my crying is a mind game and get mad at me when sometimes you truly hurt my feelings and I can't help it?

Because most guys cannot tell real crying from mind game crying, and since we don't do it often, we honestly don't understand the crying thing all that much...

Why do you treat me like I am a whore when I want sex and refuse to do foreplay when you want it?

This is typically only younger (or more immature) guys who simply think that sex is all about them...and when they want it.

Why do you treat your sister with more respect then you have ever shown me?

It's odd that we always treat the ones we love the most...the worst...but it's probably because of the next question....Also, the sister thing comes with a built in feeling of obligation for protection....(which, for older guys, should also extend to YOU)...

Why do you take me for granted?

This reeks of immaturity...but the longer the relationship, the more likely this is to occur...

Why do you look at other women while I am standing next to you?

We seriously can't help ourselves some of the time...but an appreciation for beauty, whether a gal, a sculpture, painting, view, etc. isn't really that much of an issue, is it? Now if he leers or comments...that's over the line...but an acknowledging glance should really be expected...

Why do you try to make everything a joke when I am trying to talk to you about our life, the bills and the kids?

Because guys hate emotional conflict, and those topics lead to it...so it's a kneejerk reaction...


Why don't you say I am beautiful or you love me anymore?

Goes back to the age and maturity issue... Guys don't feel the "need" to repeat themselves all the time...but mature guys will realize their gal likes to feel validated.


Why can't I feel like we connect?

Because it seems like you want two different things...

Why do I feel so hurt and sad?

See the above response, also, it seems to you that he doesn't care...

Why do I even bother when you don't seem to care anymore?

Ahh...see, there you go, you came up with the same answer. You bother because you feel you can change him...when chances are, only time will do so....

Why does this suck so much?

Because you feel the spark has died....and you feel you've already got too much invested in it...

I'll add one last thing....

Guys tend to go through relationships with blinders on (especially if inexperienced)... They'll fool themselves into thinking everything is fine...

Have you tried talking to him about any of these concerns? If so, what has he said? If not....then maybe he doesn't even realize it? (as absurd as it may sound to you....I know someone exactly like this)...

reply to post by Ellipsis


Ellipsis,

Ive seen your posts before on BTS.

A look at your list in the OP, I am surmising that your list is a list of your insecurities. THey are all lists about you and what you expect and believe about how a relationship should be. They are a list of "YOUR" expectations and beliefs. In short they are a list of your default settings to play through unquestioned and unaccountable. I have seen a list like this so many times on the relationship posts on BTS.

Because of the lack of results in response to your insecurities/sensitivities you are going into withdrawal.

Has it ever occured to you to look closely at what are a man'securities? That for which he has concerns. Or is it the natural default setting that his values, beliefs, default settings, should be yours?? A substitution of values if you like?? Your values and thinking for his.

It is quite obvious that by your list..that you two are two..not one flesh.
Why is this? No where in your post do I see any mention of this concept. Typical of today's self justification ...I see only one side. Why is this. Also why do you not have the acumen to think this through for yourself in lieu of the self justification you are wont to post here??

All you mention are your value systems...your beliefs. Thus indicating that somewhere a substitution has taken place. We two are no longer one..but are two and based on the new paradigm or template of "My insecurities." " "My values" "My thinking."

It appears to me that both of you are playing the insecurities game or strategy..but none of you seems to be able to think this through and it feeds on itself.

I hope you have enough acumen to understand that a woman who is perceptive and understanding about a man's insecurities can put a man on a drug. A drug on which he never wants to get off, never wants to be free of this drug. Do you know any women who can do this to man?? Do you know any women who even have an inkling of now powerful such a drug can indeed become over a man?? Or do you know women who's thinking is mostly about how she can get him to come around to her thinking, her values, her expectations and beliefs?? Her religion if you like. This..without any considerations and thinkings about his insecurities in and about the process of such substitution.

I bring such a concept and thinking to light ..children or no children. Do you know any women who understand this concept? Or do you know mostly women whos thinking and values are automatically supposed to be substituted for a mans thinking and value system. With him out there having no safety net under him for his security/insecurities.

I can assurre you Ellipsis..that when a man begins to figure this out...the cost of his value system substitution for this new value system of hers becomes very high. Most of the men I know soon and quickly cease becoming enamoured of their women, family, and time with them. The women become bitter without being able to think it through or connect the dots. The men as well...soon find substitutes. The gods of sports. Cheerleaders. Sports illustrated swimsuit edition et al.
One of the symptoms is that a man finds more solace and comfort at work or out in the garage than with her. Do you know this symptom? It is a symptom of rising costs. A symptom of rising costs to him without any solace or comfort for his insecurities or concerns.

In short ..he withdraws because he senses that there is no one to assuage his real insecurities and concerns. No one to help him with his burdens in lieu of his liabilities. He is out there alone when the rubber meets the road with only rising expectations for him. New and more important needs and beleifs to take on for others. No safety net for him.

So Ellipsis...what safety net are you providing for him in lieu of the needs and insecurities on your list? As a matter of fact..I see no concerns of his on your list ..only self justifications and self rationalisms. What about him....what safety net are you providing for him??
You do know what I mean Ellipsis...dont you?? "The Good Provider?"
Did you think this is only a one way street? It only works one way??

Do I need to take a lie detector test or a DNA test on this one??

I also note that none of the other posters seem to be capable of posting this kind of thinking in lieu...of "You deserve it the others dont" type of thinking/philosophy.

What are you doing to comfort him and relieve him of his insecurities Ellipsis?? What safety net are you putting under him to get him to come back to you like a drug. Like a man who needs his next fix.
I will give you a clue here Ellipsis...sex and beauty thinking/values are not it!!

Think it through Ellipsis. By your posts I think it is not in your tool box or thinking. Nor is it in the thinking/tool box of many of the posters on threads like this one.

Hope this helps,
Thanks,
Orangetom


[edit on 28-2-2009 by orangetom1999]

My girlfriend and I broke up for a lot of the reasons you posted in the OP. We're back together now, but it took a lot of maintenance.

There's 2 problems here. Women don't understand men, and men don't understand women. Its very simple.

Guys, when in a long relationship, are very easy to get complacent and sometimes it goes too far. Apathy can be very hurtful, especially if you know you'll be with that person forever (sounds like he thinks that's true). He might not be a bad guy, but a little kick in the ass in the form of an ultimatum, in my opinion isn't entirely a bad thing....

On the flip side, women want the honeymoon stage to last forever. Well, we're busy people and that just isn't viable. If you want a guy who is gonna be about you all day every day, he's probably going to be an unemployed loser. It is very important for a woman to be confident in this situation. In all honesty, men are far less confident than women, its just a fact in my mind. A guy in a long term relationship like this THINKS he's confident, but just walk out one day and see what he's like in a couple.

There are 2 large problems here. And they're the 2 people in the relationship....

Not to prod!! I don't blame you at all. My girl and I were the same way. Its very fixable, its just not so easy.

Gazrok has replied in the same manner I was about to.

This leaves me with this to ask, have you tried at least meeting him halfway with what he is wanting in the realationship? If so and this has not worked out do you have a safe place to stay, such as with friends/family if you have decided to end the relationship?

I'm courious as to the cause of the end to his previous marriage. I'm guessing the spouce had the same problems you are having.

Relationships are a two way street. If one side is only a dead end then the relation is over.

Take care of yourself and the kiddos
Sanity Lost

Your problems started as soon as you proclaimed that all men are the same. The common factor in all of your relationships is YOU.

reply to post by Ellipsis


I'm a man and I can say I do not act like that. I'm sorry you had a crappy boyfriend.

Edit: I said "had" but it seems you might be still with him, the problem with your OP is that you seem to generalise all men, it kind of annoys me lol. But anyway have you tried talking to your boyfriend/husband about these things? Maybe you could try and show him this list! I'm Not sure what his reaction would be thou.

If things don't work out, I hope you can find a really good guy for yourself. good luck with whatever happens, stay positive!


[edit on 1-3-2009 by _Phoenix_]

reply to post by Ellipsis
Honey you need a different mindset.What you need is to give this guy a taste of his own medicine girl! HE LOOKS AT OTHER WOMEN--YOU LOOK AT OTHER MEN. He won't respect your sexual needs then DON'T respect his.Get the drift? It worked for me when my husband had an affair,right back at him worked a treat.He's never done it since.

I don't get why women don't understand us...
We're essentially very simple creatures...

All we want are what I call the 5 S's...(and in different orders at different times)...

Sleep
Sex
Sustenance (food, drink)
Security (in home, relationship, job, etc.)
Success (i.e. in work, avoid relationship conflicts)

That's really it...not much to us really....

Sleep
Sex
Sustenance (food, drink)
Security (in home, relationship, job, etc.)
Success (i.e. in work, avoid relationship conflicts)

That's really it...not much to us really....

Garzok,

While I understand the essence of your list quoted above. You need to understand that your list of requirements are heavily at variance with this type of list of so many women out here.

colour
cut
clarity
cost

This is known at the four "C's" of purchasing a diamond.

Look at your list and then contrast with this second list and perhapsed you can see where the conflict lies in thinking, beliefs, and expectations...ie...the undefined religion being played out here.

It is going to be interesting to see what this new list stirs up in this thread.

Thanks,
Orangetom

[edit on 2-3-2009 by orangetom1999]