Death complex.

I'll start by hoping that I have posted this topic in the right area and as always I won't be offended if it's moved.

Prologue,
I'll state an obvious, I am affraid of death as I feel that many are, I am young and healthy surrounded by family and friends who love and care for me and all I do as well as undertake. I have been blessed with the good fortune of having a "good" life so far or at least one that I consider to to be.

2 years ago I was returning from the store with my mother to deliver groceries to my grandmother's house, as we entered it was common to hear her voice from the living room "helloo there" yet this time no greeting was heard. With bags in hand I poked my head around the corner to see my grandmother sitting in her favorite chair with a confused look about her so I go to her and ask "grammie are you ok" she responds " something is wrong, jimmy nothing's ok" I call for my mother as grandma begins to get get sick " mom! mom! grammie's not... the next series of events are still a blur but I remember the paramedics responding and the feeling I had of being helpless as the applied oxygen she was disoriented and un cooperative as they removed her from her home (by my mother request) The drive to hospital of choice took about 30 minutes I couldn't go fast enough as we had not followed directly behind the ambulance the whole time all of the "what if's" racing through my head as well as the complete ignorance of the events to come within the next 48 hours.The hospital was large and we had a bit of trouble finding the emergency room entrance when we did of course as one would we asked the receptionist where we could find (name removed) and were promptly escorted to the intensive care unit or ICU as it was labelled. My "what if's" had just trippled we were led into the area outside of the room where my grandmother was located but were not allowed to enter as a nurse was explaining to us that they were stabelizing and testing of course not knowing what was going on I sat on a nearby chair and waited. Roughly 40 minutes later we saw a doctor come out of the room and approach my heart droped as he did not look like he was about to present good news, we were then told by the same, that her heart fas failing and that they believed she may have suffered a small heart attack as well as a possible stroke.Some of my "what if's" had just become reality, although the actuall reality of the situation was somehow numbed and I still don't know why. Upon being allowed to enter the room we were confronted with the sobering scene of tubes and iv's as well as the not steady bepping of the heart monitor al of wich conected to her, we were not the only one's in the room as there were nurses and other doctors busteling around checking equiptment and what not.I went to her bedside and looked into her eyes (with what I can be certain was fear in mine) I did not know what to say and to this day can't remember exactly what I did. The next 40 hours we spent in that hospital by her bed side (she was relocated to the "hospice" section) with family pouring in and goodbye's being spoken some out loud and others non verbally.Despite what we had been told and the test results that we recieved( none good) I remember feeling like she would be fine, they would fix her up and give her some medication and we would soon be on our way( in hindsight a very nyeive thought process) that soon was destroyed when I was told by my mother that my grandmother had an advance directive DNR on file. I found comfort in family and friends as the hours ticked away but I'll admit that in her final moments I could not bring myself to be present as she took her last breath.This is a decission that I have regreated to this day, I recieved the news by telephone.

This was my first experience with death and in my 27 years on this earth I have never been so consumed with anything as I remain with this, the thought of mortality is always present in my mind and effects everything I do, I'll eloborate as this is the reason I post this. A cumination of thoughts and feelings about death started after that phone call I wll attempt to explain in the terms that my mind will allow and I hope I can accuratly convey them. Shortly after my grandmother passed I started to experience the frequent nightmares, accompanied by shortness of breath while sleeping,in my mind when this occured(s) I believe that I myself am dying I have had thoughts of the "white light" and the fear yet awake only to the sound of me gasping for air, wich then leads to the persistant thought of would I be aware if I was dying and if so how would I handle the fear of knowing, (of course the how and when factors come into play here as well) I find myself dwelling on "conciousnes during" all of said factors and when I say all I mean all I of course cannot fathom what any given scenerios completly entail but my mind tries and this is where the complex becomes just that, complex. I attempt to sort out and "organize" these thoughts in a rational way but at the same time attempt to conect and analyze these thought down to the simplest form the problem is that while living I know that I am realy dying wich in tur makes me concious although I'm not activly dying at this time. Fear is ever present during these bouts of confussion( though this is internal I do not wear it on my sleeve) I have given a small bit of this here as I'm not sure I can explain the rest in writing (at this point I am sure some readers are screaming "crazy person" and that I should goo see a shrink but I hold employment that required a psycological and non of this played a factor. Yes I have spoken with a proffesional but was basicly told "that's life thats how it is we live and die" I wonder if other suffer the same thoughts as I do and if so how are they delt with I hope this subject is not to morbid as I have not ment it to be, of course some details were left out of the first part so as to not offend or be inappropriate. I am asking for serious responces only please be kind as I would be in a responce to someone asking me for input( not that I have the answers if I did this post would not exist) Help? insight? direction?
I am not looking for points or flags on this one just quality responces.

[edit on 15-12-2008 by alyosha1981]

not at all - i wasn't thinking that you were crazy or anything along those lines...
i just wanted to add my own thoughts of death and the like.. I'm not afraid of death. it's not that i've never really thought about it - i think about this life and the void in between constantly.. i feel very content that there is more beyond this world - i mean why is it so crazy to think that this is not the only existence??
i'm not going to try and persuade you of anything but i honestly feel that, i dunno, if you could shift your point of view a little - you don't even have to believe in some god - things could drastically change for you.

at the beginning of this year i lost a magnificant friend - you honestly couldn't accept that such an amazing, genuine person could just suddenly be gone like that. it was extremely hard but it only motivated me more to search for answers.. the same happened two days ago, a friend was killed in a tragic accident.. i know they're still "around", somehow i "know" that i'll see them again..


[edit on 15/12/08 by pretty_vacant]

Well as a christian i'd say that demons saw an opportunity and are scewing with you. You have to take charge of your mind...it's kind of hard to explain. You have to know that you own your mind and believe it then this apparent neurosis will fail. The next time you have one of these nightmares, and you're self aware, stand up and be justified in the face of it. see what happens.

Hello. I am another who is not afraid in the least of death. What's to be afraid of? Were you afraid to be born? Where are you hurt: in life or in death?

Understand that there is no judgment when you die. You go back where you came from. Eventually, you come back here for another round.

Organized religion has made this fear of death part of our culture. It exists to control you and for no other reason.

I will tell you about when my grandmother died. It was Boxing Day (26 Dec). I was cooking the midday meal. Suddenly, I felt as though my breath had been knocked out of my chest. I stood there, holding the stove. Half of me was only hoping the food wouldn't burn and the other half could only think "Grandmother".

After about two minutes, I caught my breath again and "saw" a yellow ball of light rush out of the window and fly quickly away. At that point, I went into the bedroom and said to my then-husband "I think my grandmother died". He said that if she did, the phone would ring soon enough.

It never did.


Some months later, I got a letter from my aunt-by-marriage, saying that she didn't know whether anyone had told me or not but my grandmother had passed away the day after Christmas and here were some photos of the funeral. I called her right away and asked at what time she had died. My aunt didn't know but gave me the phone number to the nursing home where she had been before her death. I rang them and they told me that it was some time between 2 and 4 am. About the time my event happened (my grandmother was in the Southwest US and I live in Northern Europe). She had come to say goodbye to me.

My grandmother and I were very close, something that made the rest of the family very jealous.

Oh, and the letter from my aunt arrived on 23 March - my grandmother's birthday.

There is nothing to fear in death. It's just part of the "game". Don't let it ruin your life.

Addendum:Thank you for the kind words, I will add that my motivation for the post was in part due to the fact that as I wrote, my grandfather lay dieing suffering the effects of prostate cancer, or results for that matter. it was 1:36 am Colorado time when he passed. I'll post more latter.

reply to post by CosmicEgg

There is nothing to fear in death. It's just part of the "game". Don't let it ruin your life

.

Thank you, Thank you more over Thank you those words mean alot.

[edit on 15-12-2008 by alyosha1981]

Originally posted by heyo
Well as a christian i'd say that demons saw an opportunity and are scewing with you. You have to take charge of your mind...it's kind of hard to explain. You have to know that you own your mind and believe it then this apparent neurosis will fail. The next time you have one of these nightmares, and you're self aware, stand up and be justified in the face of it. see what happens.

Ha,
As a non Christian, I would say you maybe should take charge of your mind and consider the fact that your mind may be currently screwed with also.

I think you need a belief system of some kind. You don't need to follow a mainstream religious practice, you just need something to focus on and explain away your fears.

Religion exists to provide reassurance that there is nothing to fear from death. It is something that we know nothing about, so of course it should scare us, but how you allow it to limit your life is another matter.

I have seen and experienced things that tell me there is a conscious existence after death. I cannot accept that we are just here one moment and gone the next, that makes no sense to me.
I often wonder if we are given comparisons in life to assure us of this; the caterpillar becoming a butterfly.

I believe death is simply a progression, a stage in existence.

We all have an energy within us, a conscious one that creates who we are. Energy never dies, it is displaced and transferred.

And you should never feel that you shouldn't seek assistance with these thoughts and fears. Either in a professional sense or a spiritual one, we all need to communicate these things to better understand ourselves and the world. It doesn't mean you are crazy (meaning irrational, and you are far from irrational).
You are a normal person experiencing normal fears and seeking answers. This happened to me when I lost my parents in my 20's.

I sought religion, and found hypocrisy and hatred in much of it. I eventually found a spiritual belief that helps me, one that I realized I held all along. I didn't need a Christian or Muslim preacher giving me orders and instructions, I found all my answers and comfort in my existing beliefs. Those beliefs just happen to fit well with my current religious values too.

Originally posted by alyosha1981
Addendum:Thank you for the kind words, I will add that my motivation for the post was in part due to the fact that as I wrote, my grandfather lay dieing suffering the effects of prostate cancer, or results for that matter. it was 1:36 am Colorado time when he passed. I'll post more latter.

Sounds almost like you are having anxiety attacks while sleeping. I think you should sit down and try to analyze this. Sometimes these situations can be magnified because they become symbolic (i.e. you have anxiety or stress and then you focus those feelings specifically on this incident). It is pretty normal to have dreams, or nightmares after the death of a close loved one but the intense anxiety involved seems unusual. Is it really only about the death of your grandmother, or the concept of death in general? Or do you have other issues going on that have triggered this intense response?

Also from personal experience each death is different. People can grieve symbolically (i.e. reading a newspaper story can cause people to break down in tears if it strikes close to home, but it is symbolic as they are not actually grieving for the people in the story that they do not know, they are moved by it because it reflects personal losses).

But at the same time, sometimes deaths will rock you to your very core, yet othertimes you may feel much different, or have far less emotion, because the true relationship with that person was different (even if both were family that you saw frequently). Don't be surprised if that happens, don't feel guilty if you do not react to all deaths in the same way.

I have to agree with Sonya610. My first thought was that you are having an anxiety problem.

Let me also say that there is not one person in the entire universe that can yell you or me what life after death is. There are many ideas about death but as of yet no one has come back from death and given us a report.

When I Was young I was not afraid of death. I did my best to live my life on the edge and got great pleasure from cheating death. I pushed everything I was involved with to the maximum.

I had a speed boat, a race car and motorcycle. I came close to deaths grip more times than I can count. And stupid me did it in purpose. I made it my goal to do anything a man could do only do it faster and better.

I am now the oldest person in my family. During the past few years I have buried all my older family members.

If life continues to follow it's normal plan I will be the next to die in my family. That is not a good thought for me.

I believe the hardest people to bury were my parents. I am now an orphan.

I'm not afraid to die I just am not ready to leave my family yet. My biggest worry is knowing how upset my children and grandchildren will be. They really do love me and spend a lot of time with me.

I think of death everyday. I have many illnesses that could take my life in an instant.

You are young. Let the dead stay dead. You have a lot of living to do. There will be many more deaths in your life. It does get easier as time goes by.

It might be a good idea to talk with a professional about your feelings.

I know it's hard for you now. I promise it will get better.

By the way.........I still have a motorcycle, fast car and a speed boat. And I'm still cheating death.

Rock on.