Endarkenment?

This will sound totally ridiculous, but ridiculous things are told on this forum, so my case is just as good as any other nutcase here.

A long time ago I used to spend alot of time here on the forum, because of my fascination of astral projection, meditation, yoga and other things paranormal. You can find alot of my posts early in the OOBE astral projection thread.

I spent alot of my time on meditating, and learning about Buddha and how to develop myself spiritually. For a long time I loved doing this, then something happened.

Because of lack of knowledge, and lack of patience, I started rushing my mind. Rushes of anger would fill me up inside, and I would literally tense all the muscles in my body and scream within, that I would never attain enlightenment. Gradually this became an issue for me and lost interest in everything I ever cared about.

After that, I lost interest in school, love, peace, care and all the other things people would see as being peaceful and genuine.

One day, I ended my friendship with my former best friend for 16 years. He asked me why I did that... Basicly the reason I replied to him was; "I cannot seem to care". After saying this, I felt void. You might think this is a bad feeling, but to me... Feeling void is one of the best things I have ever felt. To me, *void* is the same as feeling *forfillment*... When I feel void, I feel that I no longer have to care, love, hate, trust nor worry.

I've been depressed before... I was depressed for 2 years when I was 12, without reason, so I know what a depression feels like. The void, feels like the same thing, but I enjoy the feeling of depression. I would not call it emotional pain, but I would call it emotional denial. I block my feelings in to tense them and destroy them. By destroying that which makes me human, I cease to exist as a number in society (might not make sense, because I am writting his straight from my mind about what I feel at this very moment).

My parents once asked me if I was happy about my life, and all I could ever answer to them was; "I am not happy, nor sad... Life is just a process" (I feel *complete* and *utter* void).

A strange thing, is the very first second I lay eyes on person, the first thought that comes to my mind, is how much I would like to kill that person, in so many malevolent ways as possible. I want to show them what pain is, and to give them what they give others. Note, these feelings do not come when I look at people I know are silent types (notice *silent).

The difference is, for example at school... I once saw this one guy get beat up by a group of 3 others. When I looked at the boy, I wanted to shove away the 3 guys, and torture them and kill them. I don't want to instantly kill them, no... I want to rip away they flesh from their bones and feast upon their tears. I would like others to watch what I am doing to instill fear amongst them, as a symbol to what would happen to them if they ever acted out evil.

This might sound somewhat like I am just defending people who cannot stand up for themselves... But to be truthful, when someone who is a very nice person talks to me, I get agitated.

I hate the sun, I love the winter and the darkness it brings. To be totally honest (no bull#), I love grey days with rain. Everytime it is a dark day, I get this weird irrational feeling. Like the void becomes bigger. It "endarkens" me with a joyful sense of nothing.

Now, because you post that i'm a nutjob and the only reason I feel like this is because I am not loved by my parents, or because I am sociopath, or because I was never popular in school... I can assure you this has nothing to do with any of it.

One thing I was always good at, was being unnoticable. I admire the shadows because they are there, but are never noticed. Only if you truly remember that they are there, you will notice them. I have only one friend... The rest I have are disposable. The friend that I have, we finish each other's sentences and we think the same things at the exact same times (all this is very frequent... Like every day). Almost as if we're telepathicly linked together.

I really don't know why I am like this, but I hope I stay like this for the rest of my life... I do not pity myself nor am I sad about myself... I am just... Empty... I am expression less, and people OFTEN ask me why I am angry, because I never smile. When someone asks me that, I become angry and the rage builds up.

I hate society... I hate it's people and the norms they are given... I have a beast inside that wants to be unleased upon everything and everyone who disserves to die... If it ever does get released, you will read about me in the news paper, but never that they caught me... Because as I said before...

... I admire the shadows...

I would die before they ever caught me. I have no fear of death, for it is natural... Sure I have fear of external pain, but it is not something of a concern for me.

I am sorry for the disturbing insight into my mind and heart, but this is how I feel... I am not asking for help, but merely to start a debate on what you might think is "wrong" with me. Because bottomline is; I don't want help.

As I once said to my friend who agreed; "Anger, hatred and violence are good... If you use them for a higher purpose".

Good night.

[edit on 3-12-2008 by Volatile]

I think nothing is wrong with you.
I don't give a crap about people and if they died tomorrow I could care even less.I probably hate society alot more then you.
That beast you are talking about within that makes you want to hurt people...thats normal.However the world is screwed enough and is gonna get whats coming to it.Look around the world is alot more screwed up then you think you are.
I think it is ok to be devoid of most feelings...however i do think it is important to like me at the very least.I justify it that way.
Just be you and f*** the rest.As long as you are happy
I have cut off sooo many friendships cuz I don't really care.I recently had a so-called friend have a heart attack...he wanted me to call him.The burden of being expected to do something when I didn't really want to or feel like it is what makes me tell them all to go away.
I am selfish and don't care about anybody other then myself.
Can you handle the idea of being a selfish jerk....if so then continue on and don't let anybody tell you that you are wrong.
But in conclusion to my rant I will say...i don't care about people but I do and would feel bad if I hurt people.So forget that you'll read about me in the newspaper stuff.That won't help your cause.
For some reason I felt the need to reply
have a crap day haha

I do not claim to be a medical professional, or to know everything.
However, with all due respect I think you would be well-served to seek professional help.

Battle not with monsters
lest ye become a monster
and if you gaze into the abyss
the abyss gazes into you. - Friedrich Nietzsche

I spent alot of my time on meditating, and learning about Buddha and how to develop myself spiritually. For a long time I loved doing this, then something happened.

Maybe you should try to make a fresh attempt at developing yourself spiritually, get back into buddhism.

What worries me most for you and the people around you is this statement.

Because bottomline is; I don't want help.

Sometimes what you want, and what is best for you, are not always the same thing. I hope you will do what is best for you, not what you want.

Originally posted by DrumsRfun
i don't care about people but I do and would feel bad if I hurt people.

I would not mind hurting people, if the pain was justified...

You need serious help. You have homicidal and psychopathic tendencies, and the worst part is, you don't have a problem with it (due to "the void").

Considering you were formerly on the path to enlightenment, maybe you overloaded yourself, and went the complete opposite direction?

In any case, what happened is irrelevant. You need help. ASAP.

i've wondered if there's such a thing as the opposite of enlightenment. i imagine it would be an eternal feeling of sickness and confusion. and dark of course, hehe.

well you shouldn't be spending too much time thinking about killing people unless you have a good reason to be emotionally disturbed. did you just get dumped, cheated on, mom died, diagnosed with cancer?

something must've happened to trigger all that. you'll have to understand why you got hurt in order to move on.

I hope you seek help. I can't help but feel that this is a crying-out-for-help post and I certainly hope we don't hear about you again when MSM reports you shot up a school or something.

With all due respect to your pain, no matter how mad you feel, you don't have the right to hurt innocent people.

as i stare upon the night sky, i see the stars. i see them burn, scald and choke the peace of the void.

the universe is but an ever expanding tumour upon the body of the void.

physical bodies are but vehicles for spirits to trespass into this poisoned realm that was once the void.

was there planning permits for this universe, doubtful.

pure light will blind you

patterns in the chaos, chaos in the patterns.

Sometimes it is easier to feel nothing then to deal with what haunts our souls. Usually when I am seeking enlightenment to the point of obsessing or going over board, there is something inside eating at the core of my being. I need to stop and figure out what that is. Enlightenment will not come from an outside source, but from within our own souls itself. The outside will help the growth but will not produce the desire we seek. You have something you are avoiding in dealing with. Once you deal with it, your enlightenment will begin. Until then, running, and hiding the cage of anger you have created for yourself will do nothing more then destroy you. Then you have defeated the point. The point is to look dead on in the face of that which holds us down and the move on. Not let it kill us.

I can actually somewhat relate to what you're feeling at the moment. Except my feelings weren't brought about like yours (through meditation), nah, mine was through life experiences.

I bet you must be one of those people that gets called a pessimist because you like to crap all over some ignorant idiots dumb ideas, too.

The world needs more people like you, whether you know it or not.

I hate society... I hate it's people and the norms they are given... I have a beast inside that wants to be unleased upon everything and everyone who disserves to die... If it ever does get released, you will read about me in the news paper, but never that they caught me... Because as I said before...

You just defined the hearts of man.

-Ign0RanT

The void.
A deficit in the energy of the enlightened.
Likened to to the cosmological black hole.
All that passes near it is consumed.

In a world where desire, greed, and ambition, conspire against the natural order of things, it is entirely plausible to be subjected to this void.
The outpouring of emotion, even on a subconscious level, becomes so great, it amasses such density, that it implodes inward upon itself, consuming what once existed as hope.
Every day going into work, where the higher echelon of management is totally clueless to the plight of the underling, disavowing any noteworthy ideas and then claiming them as their own. Padding the pockets of the wealthy as you starve to death and kill yourself while they live in luxury and complain about the service.

Government running rampant all over the broken backs of the people.

When a persons hope, implodes, it forms this void, this black hole, that looses everything connected to it.

Emotion becomes nothing more than a liability, life becomes nothing more than a bitter irony.

One thing to remember above all else.

ONE PERSON CAN HAVE HOPE ENOUGH FOR US ALL!!
Just as there are the voids, there are the shining stars. One cannot exist without the other. This is the dichotomy of the universe.
When all is said and done, it all comes down to choice.
Do you choose light or dark, or do you let it choose you?



[edit on 5/12/2008 by reticledc]

To ATS, out of a feeling of moral obligation, I say:

This might be one of those types of posts where ATS is justified to step in and notify whomever the proper authorities would be, using the poster's IP address, etc. Nobody wants to rat someone out, but if this guy ends up going on a rampage and they find this post in his internet history, there are certainly going to be serious questions directed towards the site as to what they could have done to stop it. Simply locking this topic would probably be one of the worst ways to deal with it. Kind of befitting that the OP's avatar is a blurred person reaching out their hand for help.

To the OP:
Sorry for the above statement. I'm not going to tell you to get help, because I don't think you need it. There is nothing wrong with you, there is something deeply wrong with our society and civilization that is beginning to cause everyone to feel the same way you do. I can relate to what you are saying, albeit to a lesser degree. When I am really frustrated or angry, making other people angry or sad can be one of the most relieving feelings... sort of like passing your feelings off onto someone else. I agree with your indifference... whenever someone asks me "whats up", "whats new" the answer is always nothing unless I have something to complain about. When someone asks how I feel, I am always indifferent and generally hollow, unless I am particularly sick to the point of having the flu or being dizzy, or if I'm in a fair amount of pain. Lately when people's cell phones go off in class or are constantly vibrating, I can visualize myself taking it out of their phones and throwing it into the wall across the room... except I'd never have the guts to bring myself to do it. I'm becoming more and more racist, stereotyping, and generally bitter (in my mind, not aloud to anyone.)
I don't blame you for feeling the way you do; the world is a messed up place. There is political injustice and economic crisis worldwide. People will generally say that we are the most spoiled/luxuried generation, but I feel that we have more stress and more expectations put on us than anyone that came before us. But actions of violence are simply illogical... You only have one life, and it's not worth spending locked up in a prison for the rest of your life. Even if you aren't afraid of death, you should still get the most out of life. Experience everything you can while you're here... don't jeopardize it all on a few indiscretions.

Maybe channel your desire to inflict pain into people through something creative like martial arts or boxing? Maybe after you box with someone and hit them in the head to the point that they bleed, lose teeth, and pass out, you will maybe realize that it's not as great as you romanticize it to be.

Merry Christmas

[edit on 12/5/2008 by Yarcofin]

Originally posted by prototism
You need serious help. You have homicidal and psychopathic tendencies, and the worst part is, you don't have a problem with it (due to "the void").

Considering you were formerly on the path to enlightenment, maybe you overloaded yourself, and went the complete opposite direction?

In any case, what happened is irrelevant. You need help. ASAP.

He doesn't display psychopathic or homicidal tendencies.. as all..

If ANYTHING it sounds more like sociopathic leanings.

.....And if he does murder someone, they'll probably deserve it, because he doesn't seem like he'd be the kind of guy that gets off on killing.

well you shouldn't be spending too much time thinking about killing people unless you have a good reason to be emotionally disturbed. did you just get dumped, cheated on, mom died, diagnosed with cancer?

I hope you seek help. I can't help but feel that this is a crying-out-for-help post and I certainly hope we don't hear about you again when MSM reports you shot up a school or something.
With all due respect to your pain, no matter how mad you feel, you don't have the right to hurt innocent people.

I have never had a girlfriend, and have no need for one (now anyway, maybe later in life when I feel like I need one... For whatever good it does). I've been in a discussion with myself whether I really ever want a girlfriend, or if I should just donate to a spermbank. I think it is because basicly, the void consumes any feelings of love... I don't mind... I don't need a girlfriend.
Mom and dad loves me, and they tell me everyday. I just don't feel the same way about them. Not because they've wronged me or anything. They aren't the type of parents that focus all their time on work... They focus more time on me and how my welfare is, than their work... And they give me whatever I want.

If you want an example of what one of the "consequences" of having a void is; For the past 4 years I haven't had wishes for christmas... In my neighbourhood, i'm called "the boy who has everything". Though this statement is completely wrong. The reason I don't want anything for christmas is because I don't need anything. Material won't make a difference, because it's merely an illusion.

I have no problem with my health. And to the other quote; I have no intentions of hurting innocent people, because they are the silent ones. I only intend to hurt those that strive to make life miserable for those who bring balance and order. In other words; You could say I want to hurt those who are like me, in a small way.

I know how this may look like a cry-out-for-help topic, and i'm not gonna try and prove you wrong, since that's just how to interpret the topic. I don't need help, as I said before.

I bet you must be one of those people that gets called a pessimist because you like to crap all over some ignorant idiots dumb ideas, too.

Actually I have never been called a pessimist. I have been called arrogant, because I tend to think the ideas that some people have a plain stupid, and they can't see the consequences of their judgement beforehand. I hate those kind of people.

I don't believe I have given up hope... But I feel that I have found another form of nirvana. If you want to place this in a category, I would say it was in between light and dark. A place of neutrality... A place of nothing.

To Yarcofin: I don't mind your post. I don't think I will ever murder anyone. Maybe I will... But I can't say if the beast will ever find a way out of me. But rest assure, you won't be reading about schoolings being killed... But rather a ring of drug dealers or gang members.

All I want people to understand is; I want to see if others feel the same way, because I would like to develop this void into something. Imagine being free of emotions... Never to care about others, not even yourself... To be able to fuel the void with rage in order to destroy those who #s up society for the innocent...

I believe in the end, you have become so void of feeling and desire, that you are truly free of all bonds, even your own ego... As far as I remember, in meditation, it is said you have reached enlightenment when you are free of yourself.

Maybe this is just a different approach?

reply to post by Volatile

You seem confused. You say "I have fear of external pain, but it is not of concern to me." Fear and love is all there is so if you fear something it has a great concern to you no matter how much you deny it. You say nice people talk to you and it only builds up your anger, well it seems the fear has gotten to you and is expressing it self through anger which you have no control of and its a reflection of your personallity. So its not nice people making you angry its you and your fear which obviosly has no concern to you. Sorry for the judging views, but its how you presented your OP, seems very contradictory.

this is all off the top of my head:

the human mind has a wide band of waves. we can tune into these frequencies. lately their has been alot of general dread going around. i felt the same way at times. but you have to shift gears in the NOW. u2u me if you can OP because i dont have 20 posts yet

I feel, your question of what is wrong with you,
the answer is, nothing,
your simply one of a billion, i wish i could see humans the way you do,
the way they really are,
you get angry when someone talks to you, you have good reason because humans are destructive and not very sensitive,
today society teaches us that we cannot live without our destructive technology,
but really, most of the technology is pointless,

for example...
-race cars, rally cars, formula 1 cars, all just a waste of gas and pollute all that we THINK is ours!,

-monster truck shows, wow.... u can drive an over sized truck over a bus, dont u think ur compensation is a little much?, besides, they just waste wat can be recycled, and pollute wat we THINK is ours, again

-computers, this is sort of a good use, it helps people, but it also kills people,
depends how you use it,
you see, i used to play games for 24 hours straight on the weekends, which is a waste of our potential and energy,

but now, i have dropped games, and mostly only use the computer for this site, communicating with people about ways to become more spiritually connected,this is a good use of computers because if someone has a problem like they want to control there chi or something, they have people to talk to and help them

and you see, there are soo many other ways we have wasted time/ "money" on, that could be used way more effectively,
just think, if we banned all pointless uses of cars, like monster truck shows, races, rally's, just imagine how much the human/animal life expectancy would increase, and how much healthier we would be

so, i just wish i could see the world how u do

deep spirituality is what will come from 2012. even some Christian denomintion agree. concentrate on good humanity. it is much bigger than the 3d world you perceive. help others. you might be getting a head of your self.
humans both care for thing and and have fun

Just a thought how old are people that are looking up on 2012?