recently divorced and confused

my wife and i split up on june 15th and our divorce was final on october 21st. i am confused cause things are good between us. i mean good to the point that i still go over there quite a bit and i even spend the night. we sleep in the same bed although nothing intimate happens.
my mother thinks i should stop going over there cause i end up getting very depressed when i have to leave or when i am not ther but i can't help it. i still love her and i want to spend time with her.

very confused by all this. she always tells me that i am her best friend. that confuses me too.

any advice? similar situations?

First of all please do not hurt yourself. This is a site that I found to be helpful in overcoming Depression
evolutionfacts.blogspot.com...
along with listening to how each people overcame it at this site
www.cross.tv...

There is a movie called fireproof that came out, it is very insightful too.
www.fireproofthemovie.com...

Never give up!

strange. says there is a reply to my thread but when i open it there is just my original post. what gives

It takes awhile for the anonomous post to be reviewed and Oked.

But I know your Pain and confusion my brother.

And I wish that I had something to say that would make it all make sense but I don't. It's been my experience that the only healing balm for a breakup is time.

But one of the things that I did find to make the pain a little less is to spend time polishing my chops.

I almost got mean and resentful but that kept me from other people I loved. So I just went with the flow and it really didn't take very long until
it was all good.

Peace
whaaa

Im just a u2u away if need be. Is that you B?

[edit on 29-11-2008 by whaaa]

Why did you divorce, that's a big factor.. I mean, if you want to say, you don't have to but no one's going to judge man. We all go through it on varying levels, be it divorce or losing a long-term relationship or even close long-term friendship, it hurts.

I'd stop going over there bro, seriously, you're just going to bring yourself down.

I've never been divorced so it's hard to give you advice, I haven't walked in your shoes. Like everyone else, I've loved and lost and I find the best way to get over a lost love is to find a new one. Maybe not a new love, but, a new lady.

It seems like you'll never want to be with another woman again... until you are! Two or three dates with two or three women later, you start to feel better and things begin to look up emotionally. You begin to cut old connections with each new one formed, with someone else, be it temporary or not.

Maybe I don't offer the most profound, romantic solution, but it's the truth and it does work.

we don't really talk about why we got divorced but when it all went down she just said she don't love me 'like that' anymore. that was my answer.
i know i need to stop going over there but i still like to see her even though i shouldnt.
i am not saying i will never be with another woman cause that just is not realistic but i can say i will never get married again.
i took my vows seriously and i believe that you should only be married one time.

funny, i have been working on my chops lately too. a little santana action

From personal experience stop going over there. Just walk away move on with your life. You will become depressed and angry when she starts seeing other people. When I got divorced from my husband I keep going back because it was familiar not because I loved him anymore. I thought that I was not good enough for anyone else. I finally just let go and found my true soul mate. Not to say I am not scared to get married again I am, but what scares me the most is losing the man that completes me.

it's hard to stop going over there cause i miss her. we were together for 6 years, married for 5 and all of a sudden it's over.
it's hard to walk away from

I was married for 7 years I knew my ex-husband for 9 years. I am telling you now the best thing to do is to walk away. She said she does not love you that way anymore. She will not think about your feelings when she starts to date. So walk away it will hurt less now than later.

things are so confusing. we hang out a lot. i go over there and we play chess or watch a movie. 90% of the time i wind up just staying the night. lately she has not been letting me and she finally told me that it is because when we are in bed together it makes her want to have sex and it is easier to resist if i am not there.

i am of the opinion we can go ahead with the sex. i know i have been craving it as it has been a long time. we are both clean and we both know what each other likes.
why not? i know we are not getting back together and she knows it too so why not get sex out of the deal??

well i stayed over there last night and things happened. we didn't have sex but we certainly fooled about. in the morning she said she was sorry. i told her no need to apologize.

why are things so confusing?

well my head is all messed up. i can't get the ex wife out of my head. i keep thinking about last night. wondering why she decided to do what we did and of course, are we gonna do it again. at the same time though, i feel strange about it....like we overstepped some sort of boundry.

can't turn my brain off

I am sorry that you are so confused, it indeed does present a perplexing situation for the two of you, maybe more so for you.

I feel that much of what you and your ex-wife are going through are the motions of habit . Yes, even though a great change is taking place in your life, both of you are looking for someone to fall back upon in this transition and it happens to be that you are all that each other ever had, so you both feel comfortable falling back upon the other as this transition plays out.

Time will take its course and one of two things will transpire, either this transition will eventually bring the two of you back together, or, you will gradually grow away from one another, and not necessarily completely away from one another.

I followed this same path when my wife and divorced ten years ago and now, we are very close yet, not within the confines of what we were when we were married.

I hope this helps.

Maybe you could tell her you want no strings attached and see what she says. That way, she might feel like she is free to do what she wants with you without her thinking that you want to remarry her again or something.

Just a thought.

It really doesn't seem good and probably the more you find interest in other women, the better. Of course its difficult when you're lonely but it wouldn't hurt to look elsewhere. Maybe your feelings for her will subside over time.

Here's a couple free dating sites that don't charge to chat or email:
Plentyoffish.com
Datehookup.com

Can't hurt.

[edit on 6-12-2008 by ben91069]

well i stayed at her house again last night and things did happen. we talked about it and pretty much seem to be on the same page about that stuff.
we are not getting back together but we still love each other. she does not love me 'like that' is what i was told when she filed for divorce but she acts like she does when i am with her.
i spend a lot of time with her still and she is coming to my house on xmas eve for dinner and hanging out.

we are each others best friend. of course it is a little more than that and i am still confused but at least i am in her life and she in mine. i don't think i am going to handle it too well when she finally meets someone else.
she is my soul mate and i will always love her..

life is so challenging sometimes

I think you should get on with your life without her. You are starting a cycle that is hard to get out of. I know I was there. I thought that if I was always there for my ex he would love me and be there for me. Yes we got back together, but he made the rules. When I was no use to him he would send me packing. When I could help him out he let me back in. The best thing to do is to walk away.

I know it is hard, but what will be harder leaving now or when she finds someone new. You are just her security blanket nothing more. She has said she loves you just not in love with you right. They all say that when they need to be validated believe me I have said the same thing. She is using you and you on some level are using her.

I hope this is not the case. But as I have said many times before you make your bed be prepared to lay in it no matter what happens. The choice is yours. I just do not like to see people walk down the same road I have without giving some friendly advice. But we all will make our own mistakes. I hope this one does not turn out to be one for you.

Sounds like you're headed to the "friends with benefits" fantasy

It doesn't work. It sounds wonderful in premise but it just does not work. (and yes I do know from experience and he was more serious about me in the end which killed what friendship we had).

Friends with BOUNDARIES is sooooo much better for both of you. less confusing and allows both of you to move on at your OWN pace.

Draw some lines and stick to them. No more over nights - people get lonely and things happen and then you have regrets and guilt (or she does) which negatively impact the friendship.

Take her at her word if she says she doesn't love you like that anymore. And sex? Well naturally it's easier with someone you know intimately already. Easy being the key word. Sex doesn't require both parties to be in love or even in love at all. Sex is Sex...without the emotional investment from BOTH people it's just not what you might be thinking it is or means. It becomes convenient for one but intimate for the other (often - not always).

Just my opinion from my own experience. It was very hard in the end. It's weird though as he was the one who suggested the FWB thing yet he was the one who ended up hurt.

In the end I just to had to end it completely and I lost a great friend. (This was a 8 year relationship with 2 years of FWB and 2 years of just friends prior to anything happening.)

i don't think i can bring myself to walk away from her. i am still very much in love with her. spending some time(and of course sometimes the sex) with her is better than spending no time with her.

another reason i go over there is because of my dog. i go to visit him but i mainly go to see her

Dude I am in a similar situation she wanted a divorce for same reason,we sold home divided property ,now she has gone thru about 170k in about 2 yrs,and now and now she needs a place to stay an as an idiot ,shes nested,so I'm thinking of moving out of state to see if that get rid of her,but honestly she has pretty much told you it's over,so by having her hang around all you'll do is scare of potential ladys,believe me sure has me,there comes a time when you have to think of your own well being,and this would be one of them,so keep her as a friend at a distance,she closed door and time for you to close yours,I was married 25 yrs ,been divorced 2 yrs now,I know what it feels like getting divorced you feel like a failure,but of well life goes on,be cool

Hmmm... I don't know anything about marriage or divorces. But it appears y'all still love each other. Perhaps getting a divorce wasn't the answer and maybe both of you should have just lived together as companions and slept in separate bedrooms.

Otherwise, please allow yourself to 'ween' away from your ex-wife slowly and then really move on with your life. I dunno but good luck, anyway.