Anger in the house

This is the first time iv publicly talked about the situation that's going on. I'm not really sure I should, but I am.

My current girlfriend has been diagnosed with emphazyma. Iv catered to her ever since, I mean really taken care of her to the very best of my ability. I truly love her. I want to take care of her, to make her feel better. Anyway, the reason I am posting is because she seems to get more and more angry. No matter what I do, or say she is angry. She yells, leaves with people, she drinks alot. I understand that her being diagnosed is a huge cause of this, what I am asking is: Does anyone have any idea of what I might be able to do to calm the situation?

Accept the anger.

Anger is a big part of being diagnosed with a chronic illness. It was for me. I was mad at the world for a long time. I did stupid things and a few self destructive things before acceptance finally set in. It took about 6 months for acceptance to set in after my initial diagnosis.

As for calming the situation....don't tell her not to be angry, don't try to make her feel guilty for the things she does, and don't turn away from her (if possible). Be there for her when she needs you, but don't push yourself on her. Be kind and understanding but don't hover or smother her.

She has to get this out of her system.

But, you have to take care of yourself, also. Don't be a doormat and don't be her whipping boy.

I try for the most part. I mean I take alot of it in stride and it works sometimes, sometimes its a bit too much though.

reply to post by Gehennasoul


When it is too much, calmly tell her that and leave. Don't push the subject, don't try to ram it down her throat. Just tell her and leave....leave the room or go out for a little bit.

Give her space then and let her think about it.

The thing that got to me the most and angered me the most was people telling me that things will be fine and that I should just get over it...again and again and again. And, the people that tried to "make everything ok". No one can do that when someone is sick. And, the sick person knows it.

Be there for her, but don't let her bully you in the process. You are going to need your space, too.....and giving that to yourself gives her time to think and be alone and process what she is doing to you.

BTW, I was diagnosed with Lupus (along with several other things), and it almost killed my relationship. But, as bad as I was, my boyfriend stuck with me without "sticking to me". He gave me space when I needed it and let me ride the anger out.....of course, he didn't let me beat up on him, either. He'd tell me how I was acting and go away for a little while.

People with chronic and often terminal illnesses can often purposely push loved one's away. Other times they aren't even aware that they do it.

Ultimately you need to be honest and up front with her. let her know that you'll gladly stand with her but that abuses will not be tolerated.

Even people who are terminal can be real jerks and they are not exempt from being told so.

If you love her you need to set it straight. She will either push you away or see that you are a great support, and start treating you with respect and kindness.

I don't mean to sound brutal but if you want to be able to take care of her you have to first be able to take care of yourself and that means setting boundaries.

Catering to someone who is being abusive regardless of why, will only precipitate the problems and then everyone is miserable.

I agree with the above post...give her space to just "vent". Give yourself time to regroup and make sure that you are taking care of YOU.

best of luck.

Thanks for the posts. . Im working on it. She got angry last night and I took off for a little while. She was still fuming when I came back, but she was alot calmer when I talked to her about it.

Things are looking up a little.

Sorry for the double post, but I wanted to say something else. We got angry with each other again and I bailed, but it gave me a specific thing to get advice on. These are the situations that I just don't understand, do know what do about.

I was talking to her on the phone while I was headed for a job interview. We'd been talking about 10min or so, nothing big, just idle chit-chat. My phone died, I couldn't help it. I didn't think much about it and made it home in about 30min. When I get there, she's waiting on me. Already has an attitude. I asked her what was wrong, and she tells me nothing. So I go and move some stuff that needed to be moved behind the house.

I come back in and she's making smart remarks, and taking everything I say as if im taking swings at her. Well I got ill and just moved to another room. She follows me and finally lets out thats she's mad because I didn't call her back. I tell her my phone died, and she goes on that it didn't matter that I could have called her back. She's not stupid, which leads me to believe that she's picking fights with me on purpose.

Anyway, thats the jest of it. I got mad and walked out.

reply to post by Gehennasoul


Of course she's picking fights. She is looking for control in one area of her life. She has no control over her sickness and what it is making her feel, so she looks for control where ever she can find it. Throw anger into the mix with looking for some semblence of control, and you have picking fights.

You realize what she is doing now, so that is a good thing. You have something to work with.

Recognize what she is doing, and calmly and subtly call her on it. Don't get in her face and call her an angry control-freak, but be subtle about calling what she is doing what it is.

Example with the phone thing when she pointed out the reason for her snarkiness:

Her: You didn't call me back!!

You: Honey, my phone died.

Her: Well, you could have called me back!!

You: Would you like me to pull over, find a pay phone, and call you to tell you my phone died and I was just letting you know? In the future, if that happens, that's what I will do. I don't want you to feel bad or to get angry.(say it nicely and seriously and not snarky)

While she ponders your calm response, say: I'm home now and is there anything you need me to help you with?

My boyfriend would do that a lot and I had no comeback for it and it diffused my anger (not to mention confusing the hell out of me at first).