Insanity is what it is!!

I always find myself wanting more,,,never satisfied, can never relax without thoughts running wild in my head about what needs to be done, where I want to be, how i want to be, what needs to change.

Never satisfied, never content.

I sometimes feel like i am a broken perfectionist...i want everything so perfect that i end up leaving things in a mess because i can't get it prefect enough, and i end up not caring, or keep trying but keep failing.

My mind never stops, i count my breath, i count my steps, i catch my mind actually just screaming, like im posessed.

wtf...

Nothing wrong with being a perfectionist, we all experience that to some extent, But you do seem to take it in many areas...How well do you sleep?......What is your belief system?......And what is your goal in life, now these are just hypothetical questions, I'm just trying to pin point a few things........ Are you a happy person or bitter...........These are questions to solve the puzzle................................

Everything is already perfect just how it is. It doesn't need your approval to be the ultimate in truth and creation. If it is real, than it is perfect.

reply to post by Alucard Hellsing


Meditation. You need it.

And if you drink anything with caffeine or do any kind of stimulants, stop.

Your "mind" or Ego as the eastern traditions would call it is overrunning "You" the witnessing Consciousness.

Everyone has an Ego, it is merely a matter of what degree they identify with it. People in your situation are identified with it nearly completely.

It isnt something you have to live with. However, if you want it to change, you need to bring your focus from the future and the past into the present, where the Ego is naturally weak.

In the present, as Cancerian aptly points out, everything IS perfect.

And can only be perfect, because in the present there is no "future" where it could be "improved."

Anyway, long story, might be more than you care to hear, but if you really dont like living that way, there is a real solution to it. You dont need to buy books, or talk to a shrink, you just need to begin to bring your own attention into the moment and stop feeding your mind stimulants that help it race out of control. It will take a while, but it can be done, on your own. Start by simply watching your own mind race and just naming the type of thought, (judgment, worry, random thinking, etc.) until you get a firm sense of yourself as the watcher of your mind, rather than being your mind.

reply to post by rikk7111


Sleep is a weird part in my life, it can sometimes take me 3 - 4 hours to fall asleep, and sometimes i just go into a semi sleep state where i am awake but my thoughts just keep going, sometimes i'll fall asleep in 20 minutes..

I dont have a set belief system, i think anything is possible.

My goal in life is to just be happy, to make enough money to live comfortably, to be healthy, and to work for myself..

Pretty normal in that respect i think.


My mind at times simply doesn't feel like my own...or like i am actually 2 people, i can discern between 2 entities in my life, which i feel is my body and my spirit, like my body and my mind are in a constant battle for control...

I sometimes feel like if my mind or spirit, soul, whatever u want to call it left my body, that my body would keep on living.

reply to post by Illusionsaregrander


What you said there reminds me of a book i read called the power of now by eckhart tolle, does that sound familiar ?

I have heard of Eckhardt Tolle, but I have not read that book. It may help you though, although from what I know about him he does not go into detail about the theory behind things sometimes, although whether or not you need or want that is something I dont know.

However, all mystic traditions from time immemorial are saying the same thing. Including Tolle. It is just a matter of finding a voice that you are able to clearly understand. None of them are saying anything very different, they are just saying it in different ways.

reply to post by Alucard Hellsing


I adore the text you produced.

I starred this thread. I flagged it. I sent you a U2U saying "i love you...I do." What else is there to say. Our thoughts on this issue are identical. My long-lost sibling...

It sounds like you have obsessive compulsive disorder.

I count everything as well meditation works for me.

Could it be a split personality?.......... You definitely need relaxation and sleep.
Sleep deprivation could cause many of these symptoms as well. Are you eating habits normal?......... You could fall into many categories with what you have said...... I do hope you feel better and seek to find a solution..... There are many on this board more qualified than me, But I just wished to help out in some way....

reply to post by Illusionsaregrander




WOW !

What a truly impressive post !


Wish it could be stickied at the top of every thread and forum


Masterful -- profound -- generous -- priceless !


Thank you, sincerely ... hope millions read what you wrote


edited to add that ten minutes after posting this and moving onto something else (real life) I came back and searched for this thread again in order to read again Illusionsaregrander's initial post .. and in order I could copy and save it.

Who would have thought, after all these years, that I'd discover such profundity in ATS .. like a diamond in the grass.

As far as I can see, Illusionsaregrander's advice is all that's required. I'm stunned. It's the secret to life .. the 'cure' for so many people's problems

We've all read heavy books, deep in concentration, in order to gain a fraction of this wisdom

Yet Illusionsaregrander has put it in a nutshell .. no fanfare.

Best thing I've read for many, many a year

I'm going to pass on this advice to as many as possible .. in addition to taking this advice very much to heart

What a gift ! Thank you again, Illusionsaregrander

[edit on 27-10-2008 by Dock6]

the older i get the more often i notice the "tug of insanity" pulling my strings. i'd say that you're like many people i know, you tune in to other people's thoughts and don't recognize that's what you do.

do you use your brain alot? i bet you've been training your mind for about 15-20 years and might not even be aware of it. just give it a rest you'll be ok.

the one thing that breaks that spell for me is music. there's nothing like driving with the windows down and a great song comes on the radio. something that creates time and gives you a moment of breath.

anyway, hope that helps uncross your wires a bit.

Originally posted by Alucard Hellsing
My mind never stops, i count my breath, i count my steps, i catch my mind actually just screaming, like im posessed.

The counting especially is a major symptom of OCD. I do not have OCD but my grandmother did so I know a bit about it.

You might benefit from medication... there are effective treatments for it.

This is not intended to belittle you in any way - there are many valid reasons to lose sleep and worry in this nasty world we live in. But if you feel like you are suffering, going mad, being possessed, etc., it might be worth a try to see if meds help.

maybe you should focus your energy into doing something more useful than counting your breathes. read, write, get a hobby, make youtube videos, start a business, write a book, film a independant movie and compete at a film festival.

The counting especially is a major symptom of OCD. I do not have OCD but my grandmother did so I know a bit about it.

thanks for the info. I didn't know that (above)

I do it. Don't mean to. Doesn't always happen

reply to post by DrLove





The counting thing .. it's not intentional, not conscious. It happens while you're doing other things. It's going on in the back of your head .. like an embedded calculator or something.

Example: in the middle of doing something .. painting some lattice outdoors for instance. Hear the washing machine complete it's cycle. Dash inside and start removing clothing from the machine. At that very moment, the following might be occurring: you're looking at a smudge on the wall and make a mental note to remove it --- you remind yourself to remove items from the freezer so they'll have time to defrost by dinner time --- you're untangling items of clothing --- and all the time, in the background of these thoughts, there's the counting going on as you remove items from the washing machine: shirt (one) blouse (two) another shirt (three) -- and so on. It's on 'automatic count'. ?. You finally hear the counting and do a bit of a double-take. Say to yourself, 'Gee, what are you counting the clothes for .. what's the point ? ' Except it isn't the conscious 'you' who's been doing it in the first place.

Ah, I went to a psychologist for my issues and figuring out what makes sense and is useful helps. I don't take drugs and I don't think they are really good if you are in a short term crisis. The psychiatrist I saw said I have what folk psychology calls "loser syndrome", or schizoid personality disorder for the medical term. Note : those are two different people and two related but different medical "realms".

Do you take any drugs or use a substance to the point of abuse? Do you have chronic, real pain (as apposed to what I take to calling "depression pain" - people who are depressed have some kind of "pain" but I don't understand that yet)? How are your vital signs and blood quality? Stuff like that can affect you day to day...

I sometimes also have a problem with sleeping but I don't make an issue of it with myself anymore - work/school/play might suck the next day but usually the next night I get to sleep just fine . All I know to help with that is melatonin and not ingesting caffeine or some vitamins before bed.

To reiterate : see a health professional. Work with them to help you get what you want to achieve.

(Meditation absolutely fails for me so I can't say zoning out for awhile helps at all.)

EDIT : left out a word.

[edit on 27-10-2008 by SolarSeaman]

Sounds as though you are at a significant breakthrough point in your own PRD (Personal Research and Development).
The OCD angle is something to consider.
You may be particularly sensitive to EMFs. I see that you are in Melbourne, a potentially very urban environment. As a experiment I suggest that you try going camping for a couple weeks. Get away from cell phone reception and walls filled with electrically charged wires and see if that dramatically changes your mental state.
Meditation does work to calm the mind. It may take a lot of practice. But If you simply cannot sit still, you might try Ti Chi, Yoga, Martial Arts, or even some form of dance. Any of these things require some training and self discipline. This may be key for you. Any artist or professional has to get themselves through some basic training or schooling.
One of the first thing meditation teaches is, "You are not your thoughts. You are not your personality" You are a spark of consciousness, which can watch most of these thoughts come and go. You can be more discriminating as to which ones you wish to examine, nurture, or act on.
Having so much going on inside, suggests that you have difficulty attending to what you are sensing in the moment. A modest SNIP habit for awhile can help that. Certainly better for you than Seroquil or Welbutrin.

SNIP

Blah, blah, anyway I agree with R.D. Lang and Krishnamurti, who said "It's no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society".


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[edit on 31-10-2008 by Crakeur]

[edit on 31-10-2008 by Crakeur]

Insanity is a perfectly natural adjustment to a totally and unnatural and negative environment. - R.D. Lang

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. -Albert Einstein

I have a mild form of OCD, and some things you've said sound familiar to me.

As a teen I would become stuck on words, think of how many letters there are, and find the middle. It served no purpose, there was no reason for it.
I'd also (and sometimes still do) see larger squares in the pavement and step over the middle one. So imagine a 3 x 3 square of 9 paving, I'd step in the first middle one, over the center paving, and into the third. I still find myself doing it now sometimes, but it's not very often.

I am also a perfectionist in a lot of ways. I'm an artist and a writer, and I find myself going over things so many times that it's hard to get things done and be happy with the result. I have learned over time to know when to stop, then either tie it off as a finished project or go back to it later.

The manic side comes out sometimes too, and I find myself right now with four uncompleted novels on my PC, six unfinished portraits and a couple of business ideas still in the planning. I find it hard to focus on one thing long enough to finish it.
It's not that I get bored, I just want to do everything. I know that if I could split myself into three people, life would be great!

One of my closest friends, one who I share all this with now and then, says that I am too sensitive to what's going on around me. She says I think too much.

The way I see it, we are all different. Put a label on whatever you like, but the fact that I counted letters or step over paving is a quirk. These things make us unique, and as long as they're not hurting they're fine to have without the labels or any associated medication.

And I do agree with other posters, belief systems are useful, as is meditation. Spirituality in one form or another focuses the mind, quietens the shouting. It does help me.
I would say try cutting down on your external stimulants for a while and see how that changes things. Turn off the music for a week, put down the video games, spend an hour here and there just sitting quietly; meditate.

I think it would help you.

And I also agree that you are extremely eloquent. Some people are naturally poetic, if you don't already write, I think you should.

Blessed be.