I don't understand how to talk on the phone :(.

Let me explain... I know how to talk on the phone I just don't like it. It's really complicated. I know how to talk to people on the phone. It's just so complex. I don't know what to do after I call them. I'm an introvert so it's not natural to me.

Can someone help me out here? I'm good at having conversation... but I just really don't want to mess up and screw up a relationship or friendship I'm in.

My gosh can I ever relate to this .
I DESPISE, and I mean DESPISE talking on the phone.
I always get my son to order pizza.
However, when it comes to talking with my main squeeze, (Long distance thing going here)..
I wouldn't miss talking to him for anything.
Sometimes we find stuff to talk about that is the silliest or most mundane topic, and other times the discussions get pretty heavy.
Either way, we find common ground on a topic, and just have fun talking about it.
But he and I seem to be able to talk about anything, and it's just so easy to do.
I'm also an introvert. ATS is my social outlet.
Just start off with common topics, and a short conversation, and DO NOT MAKE LAME EXCUSES to hang up or end the conversation. Bad Idea.
Seriously..if meeting in person is an option, I would go for that instead. People have become too disconnected from each other in this New wave of OVER CONNECTED technology.

Just remember that the girl talking on the other end of the phone is lying to you about anything she says. You will be alright.

If you just remember that nothing she says is the truth, you won't have any problem talking to her over the phone.

Dangit wuk, shakes finger at him why did you go and tell him that? Don't listen to him Frankie, we are not always lying. My experience says something way different like it's usually the other way around.....but that's beside the point. :bnghd:

Don't sweat over the conversation, just let it happen. If it's someone that you don't know very well then take that opportunity to ask lots of questions and get to know them. Woman always love to know that their man has a real interest in them.....in other words, they like to talk about themselves.....entertain that.

Rush

I'm gonna go a different route and suggest that if you feel uncomfortable talking on the phone and find yourself in a situation where you just don't want to, don't!

I've had many a women in my past who think I should call them regularly, and I've told each and every one that if we are going to have long conversations it will be face-to-face. I hate not being able to look someone in the eyes when I'm talking to them.

Just don't feel like you are obligated to talk to anyone on the phone if you don't want to. If you find yourself wanting to but feeling awkward once you do, enjoy the silence. I'm guessing, and I could be wrong, that the reason phone conversations are so difficult is because there are long pauses of silence.

I have to quote a line from Pulp Fiction for this point, Uma Thurman said it quite well:

"That's when you know you've found somebody really special, when you can just shut the f*** up for a minute and comfortably share a silence."

reply to post by hsur2112


Sorry, felt that he deserved to know before it's too late.

reply to post by hsur2112


I see... there may be differing opinions among users here depending on their experience with women.

I just have problems talking with some people because they are somewhat spontaneous and I don't know how to deal with it.

Like, I'll say something, and, when they talk about another subject, they'll bring something else up, and, I don't know how to respond to what they say and I don't want to make something up or sound like I'm trying to manipulate the girl or whoever it is that I'm talking to.

I think that sometimes the best that we can do is to at least acknowledge what it is they are saying, you may agree with them, or not, you may have something to add to it, or not, but sometimes people just want to know that someone is listening and acknowledging and/or is interested in what they are talking about. I'll bet that you are a good "listener".

Rush

reply to post by whatukno


Geez Wukky, we aren't all liars.
Of course, a few bad apples spoil the whole barrel.:shk:

I hate the phone more than just about anything else in the world.I think a large part of that could be because im always on the phone at work, but its more than that.Ive hated talking on the phone as long as i can remember doesnt matter whose on the other end i just want to get off the damn thing.I just hate the stupid things.
Come bloody visit me if you want to talk!

Originally posted by Frankidealist35
Like, I'll say something, and, when they talk about another subject, they'll bring something else up, and, I don't know how to respond to what they say and I don't want to make something up or sound like I'm trying to manipulate the girl or whoever it is that I'm talking to.

When you don't know much about what they are talking about, or you can't think of anything to say ASK QUESTIONS!

I.e.... Wow..what do you think that means? What did she say after that? Or mirror back her comments (rephrase them and repeat them) to show you are listening. When you "mirror" don't do it as a question, do it more as a form of agreement. Example if she says "It was just weird" you reply with "Yes, the whole thing sounds bizarre...etc...". She will think you are brilliant (because you obviously "get it" and agree with her observations).

Remember most people love to talk more than listen anyway.



[edit on 20-10-2008 by Sonya610]

[edit on 20-10-2008 by Sonya610]

reply to post by Azador


Totally agreed.
I see the phone as a way of communicating with those who live to far away to visit (of course we have email now)..or for emergency use.
The majority of calls on my phone, are my kids just checking in to let me know where they are, or my boyfriend. I don't even talk to my mom on the phone!

Tell them your really embarrassed but you are far from being phone conversation savvy and lets go out and do something anything, k.?, pick you up at 8, *click*.

the phone is not a toy

Originally posted by whatukno
Just remember that the girl talking on the other end of the phone is lying to you about anything she says. You will be alright.

If you just remember that nothing she says is the truth, you won't have any problem talking to her over the phone.

:shk:

For a second there I almost thought you said something absurd and narrow-minded.

Then I realized you were just projecting.

reply to post by Frankidealist35


If you're an introvert by nature then can I safely assume you are probably a good active listener too?

If you are, then my suggestion is to focus on how to translate those introverted skills over to a phone conversation. Instead of trying to force yourself into becoming an extrovert.

Don't make the assumption that being an extrovert is better for the phone. In all likelihood she would prefer you acting naturally, so the conversation feels more comfortable.

Also, how do you think the conversation would go in person? Pretty well? You might try looking at a photo of her while you're talking on the phone hehe

[edit on 20-10-2008 by Lucid Lunacy]

reply to post by Lucid Lunacy

I am not really able to meet with her face-to-face that often. You see, she is a friend of mine from my high-school, and, I'm going to college now, so, I can really only talk to her on the phone, and, I don't get the chance to see her that often. So that's kind of out of the question for me.

I have thought about becoming an extrovert but that seems too unlike me. I guess you're right that I should be natural.

One thing I don't get is how the flow of conversation goes... I mean I could always improvise but it just isn't really natural to me. I understand that people want to be understood, but, I really don't have a firm grip for how the flow of most conversations go... I'm not a natural at that. Do you sort of see what I'm saying?

reply to post by Frankidealist35


Yeah I understand what you are saying

And because I understand what you are saying, I would say our conversation is flowing naturally right now

Look. Don't improvise. Don't force yourself into being an extrovert.

Reflect on this:

You are talking to her on the phone right? This implies she is interested in doing so. She is interested in having conversation with you. You have already succeeded

Now just act naturally and show interest in her and yourself on the phone. If you're an introvert by nature then she is probably expecting to be the one saying more. That's okay. Just talk enough to get your thoughts out (the ones that come naturally) and to show that you care about what she is saying.

Lucid is giving you good advice. You might also want to just be honest, say up front "hey I am not that great on the phone, I run out of things to say, but I love talking to you, so you take the lead okay".

That takes the pressure OFF of you, and you won't have to worry about HER overanalyzing the conversation and thinking "he was kind of quiet, I wonder if he is not that into me". And yes females overnalyze and worry about those things too.

reply to post by Frankidealist35



An idea here would be to check into the aspergers articles about 'theory of mind' 'social skills' 'executive function'-not understanding how the flow of conversations go-in general- 'could be' indicating a bewilderment at the basics of learned social function: concepts of 'theory of mind' which goes hand in hand with it's predecessor 'executive function': which neurotypical people pick up on naturally and some disorders of non neurotypical, such as those with aspergers or pdd's do not.

My honey was so bad at it (both really) that we had to write out exactly what we needed to say and read it over the phone. Devastating. It never worked itself out so....
i went running to a clinician once over the same exact sounding thing...that is basically what I was told. Then I was like...coooooooool at least I know what's go'in on...

I hope is helpful!