(HSSC2) Again!

Before posting my story I would like to explain that it it my first story I ever wrote in English. English isn't my first language. I really hope that grammar and spelling isn't to bad.
And I also hope I was able to paragraph this story according to American typesetting standards. Thanks you!

(HSSC2) Again!

Linda woke up all of a sudden. At first she wasn’t sure where she was. The room was dark, no light from outside. She felt around for the bedside lamp. It wasn’t there. Linda sat up in bed, feeling sweat softly running down her back. “No! Not again!”, she thought with a slight shiver where the cold sweat found it’s way on her back.

Then she heard the noise again. Linda clutched her hands to fists. Her eyes starred terrified into the dark. That noise woke her up for weeks, night after night. Again and again. All those long and scary nights.
It was the same every night. A soft scraping, like scraping ice from a windshield. It became louder and louder and louder, only to stop as abruptly as it had begun. Linda had to swallow. She felt her heart beating strongly in her chest. No not again! But it started all over again.

Linda pressed her fists against her ears. She wanted to exclude the soft increasing noise. It wasn’t possible. She knew it was there. She put a pillow over her head. But the noise was still there. “Maybe it is me? Maybe it is just inside my head?” Linda thought. No, it was definitely outside. Some sound outside of her brain, a sound outside of her bedroom.

Linda knew she had to explore it. Like she did all those endless nights before. Deliberately she stepped out of her bed. The bedside lamp still wasn’t there. No lights! Linda felt around for her slippers, alas they couldn’t be found either. This was strange!
Always the scraping noise, always the missing bedside lamp, always no lights in the whole house, and missing things: her bed gown, the sink in the kitchen, the window in the living room, the telephone, her glasses and now her slippers. But she had to figure out what was going on. Today she would make it.

The scraping had stopped again. Linda was listening into the darkness. There it was again. Scraping, softly scraping, like an animal demanding entrance? Slowly she opened the door of her bedroom. Step after step Linda entered the dark staircase. She felt for the handrail. Carefully she made her way downstairs. The noise was still there. It seemed to have doubled or even trippled.
Thanks God! Finally there was some light in the hall. Silver moonlight made its way through the windows into the hall. Linda turned around heading to the kitchen. Everything looked different. The drawer? The mirror? Where did they disappear to? She was not so sure anymore that it was a relief to see the hall! She felt much more scared than she had been in the darkness. The scraping had stopped!

Linda stood still in the silvery illuminated hall. Listening into the darkness. It started all over again! Scraping, scraping, scraping. Even louder than before, louder than all the other nights, much more demanding, urging Linda to open the kitchen door. Her heart beat strongly, very strongly within her chest. Linda got the feeling that it wanted to leave her chest. Like she wanted to leave this scene. Linda was terrified by the scraping, by the message it seemed to have. The scraping was all around her, everywhere. Trembling she grabbed the knob of the kitchen door. Opened it all at once.

But there was nothing than the diffuse lightened kitchen. “What did you expect? Silly gal”, Linda adressed herself. “It is as usual. Nothing can be detected at all. But it drives me mad, mad, mad!” Linda battered herself at the head. She seemed to lose her mind. Why should there be something at all? Maybe it was just the wind?
“No no, I won’t get insane. There must be an explanation! There is always an explanation!” Linda turned over to the sink and poured herself a glass of water. She sat at the table, slowly sipping her water.

It couldn’t be the wind, the noise was too irregular, too abnormal. Maybe students of her classes at college? Playing a horrible joke on her? But again she discarded this thought as she had done it before. They were all debonair, honest boys. Nobody would be so cruel driving their teacher mad with some scary noise.
Linda eavesdropped again into the darkness. The scraping started all over again. This time it seemed to be in the living room. Quickly, Linda was on her feet. “No, I won’t allow it anymore. It has to end! It has to end today!” Linda got herself a knife from one of her drawers. She felt much more secure grabbing the knife, running into the living room. It was empty. Nothing else than her living room furniture. Not even the TV set was running. Nothing, no sound at all.

Madly, Linda hasted through the house, joggling every door knob, every window. Everything was shut and closed. Nobody could enter her little house. But there must be something, somebody scrapping, somebody trying to drive her nuts.

Linda woke up all of a sudden!

Nice build-up, nice "no-way-out" feeling.

reply to post by orange-light


Hi, I really like your short story. You made some mistakes but over all i really enjoyed it. I hope you keep on writing. I really despised the ending. The short story should have been more in detail. The scence would have lasted longer and would have built up suspicion. Even if english wasnt your first language you really us your strong vocabulary to describe the characters emotions. keep on improveing your writing.

hi dear Anonymous!

thanks for your comment, and thanks to skyfloating as well,
i guess everybody at ATS knows that english isn.t my 1st language, but i assure that the text has been proofread by an american friend.
sorry if there are still mistakes in this text. i would highly appriciate, if you could mention them to me - it is a chance for me to improve
thanks for tuning in.

reply to post by orange-light



You write very well in English. I think you maybe should not use adjectives, it is a sign of weakness. For example:
silver moonlight
silvery light
difuse-lighted kitchen
horrible joke.

It is better to find another way to describe a noun, than with an adjective because then you will have to describe a process. For example:
The moonlight was silver in color. ... this makes a thought and a contribution.
-or-
The kitchen was lit poorly. ... this is more descriptive and concrete than diffusely-lighted, which is technical.
-or-
The joke made me feel horrible. ...this is about feeling. Because a joke in itself can not feel good or bad or funny or horrible. The person does the feeling. That's the trap of using adjectives ... lack of clarity and precision.
---

Throw away the word, 'alas', it is never used in American or English, anymore. They used that world 100 years ago or 200 years ago or 300 years ago or 500 years ago. It is a word used by translators or lazy writers. Instead, say, for example:
I was disappointed.
It was no use.
It was hopeless.
I didn't give a s***!

But ... don't use that word ever again. Okay? Not in fiction. Not in non-fiction. Not ever, again.

Your story has no ending ... you just gave up and ended it. For a story to be dramatic and end dramatically, it must be built in a certain way, so that the ending dramatically is foretold by the beginning. That is called, 'irony'. AND the ending must be the result of characterization BECAUSE conflict is caused by characters in opposition to one another. The whole story is built on the person's character which creates their conflict. That is why the ending by result in the transformation of character.

For example, you could have said:
Linda woke up. "I know that wasn't a dream," she said. 'But, what was it?' Then she heard the scratching again. THE STORY is about a CONFLICT between Linda and the scratching. Therefore, the ending must be who wins, Linda ...or the scratching.

Say:
Linda woke up. ...BUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT, how does she kill the scratching or how does the scratching defeat her ...AND WHAT DOES SHE LEARN FROM IT? Character development ... read Lalos Egri, The Art of Dramatic Writing and it is very easy to understand and you will be a good writer. You can write in any language, but you must always think in drama.

Irony is when it happens just how you thought it would, but in a different way that you thought it would that is amusing in some way, amusing because it is funny, or amusing because it is painful.

But, you must never end in a pedestrian (dumb, i.e. 'unfeeling') way that makes no sense. If it wasn't for the last line of your story, which makes no sense, I would have given you a star because of the immediacy of your vision.

But, it's not your fault so don't feel bad, you didn't know. Here is a book for you to read about how to make a dramatic character with a dramatic ending that is powerful, or at least meaningful.

The book was used in the Writer's & Actor's Workshop in New York for many years, by Lalos Egri, called: The Art of Dramatic Writing.

I will give you an example. A story is about a conflict. And the conflict exists because of the character and ends because of the character's direction.

Conflict - resolution. Your story has conflict. But, it has no resolution of the conflict. It has no ending.

You can say, Linda woke up from a dream.

But, do not stop the story, there. She must defeat her enemy, which is the scratching. Or, the scratching must defeat her. Being asleep has nothing to do with the scratching. And waking up had nothing to do with the scratching.

It is like a fight. One person wins. One person loses.

You can not cop out, or quit, or take the easy way out. Now, throw away the last line, and finish your story. If you don't know how to do it, then read the book I suggest to you, okay?

by Lalos Egri, called: The Art of Dramatic Writing.


[edit on 21-10-2008 by counterterrorist]

counterterrorist thanks for dealing with my story

maybe or certainly my stile is different than that of a native speaker.
i guess this will hardly change since everybody has her own way of talking and is influenced by her own culture.


for the ending of my story – it is exact the ending I meant it to have!
an endless circle of insecureness. you don.t know if it is a dream or reality or what ever.
make up your own mind


i don.t think that anybody has to win in a story
who says that a story has to be built in a certain way? it is fiction. it can be what ever the author wants it to be. sorry to disagree that i must think in drama. why does a character needs to transform? i don.t think so, a good story to me is a story where my own characters start to act by themselves and surprise me - which they do very very often.

reply to post by orange-light


Okay. Then you must follow your own path, good for you.

But, your writing in English is so good that I can not tell you are not a native English speaker!

What is your home language?

p.s. you said: who says that a story has to be built in a certain way?

Well, the only people who say that are the English teachers who teach short story writing in college ...BUT, they also say that you don't have to follow the formula ...BUT if you ever take a fiction writing workshop, you will see many people do not follow the rules, and still write very well and very dramatic stories.

I think you are a very good writer ... but that your ending is no good because it doesn't work. And, one must be careful not to write in cliches.

That means, if one's story ends the same way as too many other stories, people will be disappointed by the story you are telling.

Like I said, I think you're a very good writer, and good luck on your path.

[edit on 21-10-2008 by counterterrorist]

Originally posted by counterterrorist
reply to post by orange-light

 

Okay. Then you must follow your own path, good for you.

But, your writing in English is so good that I can not tell you are not a native English speaker!

What is your home language?

as everybody has to
i am happy that i know that now for sure

my home language is german and usually i write stories of different kind in german

thanks again for the long review

tomorrow i will take a much closer look, i should be in bed right now



editi:
ah don.t ever edit a post while i am replying to yours

i have been at college too in germany but german universities don.t have such a tradition in writing classes as the USA
you just write on your own.
i have worked as a part time journalist before attending university

i still like my ending
it is like ∞ infinity

[edit on 21-10-2008 by orange-light]