Your Marriage Success Secret

Hi there friends,

Years ago I thought of interviewing people who have a successful marriage and finding out what their secret is for my own personal insight, so it dawned on me today, ‘why not ask on BTS?’

I have been married for 8 years now, and I’ll tell it to ya straight, it has had its challenges, but we are devoted to one another and to our faith in God. BUT, even if I felt I had a tremendously successful marriage, I still would want to grow and improve.

So here are my questions…

How long have you been married?

On a scale of 1 -10, how do you rate your marriage? ((1 being the lowest score))

What is the secret of your success?




[edit on 17-9-2008 by apaulo]

I've been married more than a decade. I'd give it a 9 or a 10.

Why not perfect? Sometimes we argue a lot.

Some secrets:

-Keep dating your wife AFTER you marry her. She fell in love with the guy who took her dancing, who bought her flowers and took her to museums, who was a brilliant conversationalist. Not the guy lying in the recliner in his boxers watching TV.

-My wife is old school. She waited for sex until she was married. I will say intimacy with her is the best I've ever experienced. I will say that the best episode of our 10 year marriage was probably in August. It really does get better and better. I wish I had saved myself for her.

-We always leave the lights on. We're often spontaneous. Most of the time when I call in sick to work there's really nothing wrong---it's just when the kids are at school. . . .

-Most groceries have a floral department. The flowers are cheap at the beginning of the week. About every six weeks, when your relationship is going well, bring her flowers for no reason. People will say that's total crap, but it is a powerful symbol to women. Streisand got rich singing "you don't bring me flowers, anymore."

-Never bring flowers as an apology. Her friends will tell her you must be screwing around. Watch out for those friends.

-what every woman wants is proof that you think of her when she's not in the room. A gift you worked on, or planned for, matters more than the price. really.

-Because my wife was a virgin, we educated each other sexually. Worked our way through a modern version of the Kama Sutra. We began by staying out of reach in the same room; one partner pleases self while the other just watches, fully clothed. (is this to explicit? It's real, though). Then the other one does the same on their side of the room. you learn how to please the other person by watching them scale the peaks of ecstasy. You also lose your own inhibitions. It is extremely humbling to be naked when the other person is not. Enough said.

-Share all property and finances. If you don't, it's easier to separate. If that is even a possible option, you WILL end up divorced. My wife's outlook is sort of like a marine's: death before dishonor. And I definitely could not function in my work and social life without her. not just a wife, but HER specifically. I have been hired for jobs I wasn't quite qualified for, because the boss was entranced by my wife. Not horny for, but entranced by. Much more profound.

-Marry the funniest person you know. This is probably also the smartest person. They go together.

-Better to stay single than to marry the wrong one. Gramma was right: Marry in haste---repent at liesure.

Finally:

Every relationship is a conversation. The relationship is over when the two of you run out of things to say. Find someone you could spend the rest of your life just talking to. You will. We prize long car trips because we get to spend time together and just talk. for hours and hours. Sometimes for vacation we'll buy a "beach read" and one spouse reads out loud while the other drives. We critique it and laugh at it together. Some of the best times in my life have been driving across texas with my wife.

all the best.

My girlfriend and I were successful for a long time because we realized we were human beings...what do I mean by that?

For instance. I am a 22 year old guy...I like chicks. I like em a lot. I love my girlfriend...but I am still attracted to other women.

She realized that so we go to strip clubs together. We do things, that we wouldnt usually enjoy together. And we have an open mind about it.

A lot of relationships end because people get mad about certain things. So instead of getting mad about things...we try to enjoy them together. I am allowed to say a girl is hot to her, so we both can agree.

...My two cents

This will be ever so simple...

10 all the way

My secrets...

pay attention to her...

keep my promises....

realize that YES men DO have a feminine side and use it

-Kyo

It seems mostly men are answering so I will bite.

I have been married for 24 yrs. Our marriage is a 9.

Dr. said it all and said it well.

One other thing I would add is that no matter what the problem (other than abuse) divorce is not an option. You work out the problem.

There have been days when I pulled in the driveway and said "I just don't want to go in the house" but that was because there had been an argument and I didn't want it to continue.

At this point all of the power struggles have been worked out long ago and we get along great.

One other thing. If you are wondering if you should do something or not, the easiest way to determine that is as follows. If when your spouse walks in the door if it isn't one of the first things you want to tell them about you should not do it. It works for us.

Originally posted by dr_strangecraft

I've been married more than a decade. I'd give it a 9 or a 10.

Why not perfect? Sometimes we argue a lot.

Some secrets: …

Wow, thanks for the feedback. Dr. Strangecraft. Great tips there. Some I have used, others are new.

Originally posted by KyoZero
This will be ever so simple...
...realize that YES men DO have a feminine side and use it
-Kyo

I think a whole lot more could be said there, and I do agree. Yet, elaborate, if you don’t mind.
BTW, you forgot to mention how many years you have been married.

Originally posted by seejanerun

Dr. said it all and said it well.

One other thing I would add is that no matter what the problem (other than abuse) divorce is not an option. You work out the problem.

YES!!! I Totally agree.

I've been married for 5 years, together for 8. We are a 9.

Mostly, I will repeat what others said because it does work for us. We had long and open discussions before we got married about the limits, boundaries, and expectations for our marriage. We are both children of divorce and both set this rule: divorce is not an option. If you are completely sure that we can work through anything, that the good times make the bad times worth it, and that you can stare at my face and watch my body change over the years, then let's get married. Otherwise, we can live together in love, but it never goes further than that.

Another rule: it doesn't matter where you get your appetite from, so long as you eat dinner at home. Watch porn, go to a strip club, and fantasize about the woman you saw at the grocery store. I'll fantasize about that man on tv and think dirty thoughts about that fireman I just saw with his shirt off. All urges can and will be taken care of with each other and no one else.

We actually have exceptions to this rule. If Sigourney Weaver calls, he can go and have a good time. I'll be waiting happily at home-- no hard feelings. If Clive Owen calls, leave the lights on, I'll be back in a bit!

Differences don't have to divide us. I'm a Pagan, he's a Catholic. I'm a democrat, he's a republican. We had to set rules and boundaries there, too. We can discuss, argue, and debate, provided each side listens as long as he or she speaks. We will never convert the other one to our side, so don't bother.

I was 27 when we got married. He was 37. We each agreed that waiting was the best thing around. We were each in love with other people before we met, but obviously it didn't work out. We each learned a lot of life lessons before we met each other, and that made spotting "the one" a whole lot easier.

I knew he was "the one" when we met: not because he is perfect, but because he got me. He really got me. I'm an odd person and most people don't get it. But he did, and he was equally relieved when I got him, too. We had way more fun staying home and watching Stargate SG-1 than we did going out. And we took turns making coffee at 6 in the morning, every Saturday morning so we could watch Mystery Science Theater 3000 (this was before TiVo). When ho goes off on some strange tangent with ideas that were born in his imagination, I understand what he is talking about because chances are I did the same thing about an hour ago.

I say- celebrate the imperfections, laugh at least once a day, and make sure the very last thing you say to each other, even if you are in a fight, is "I love you."

I think the biggest thing that kills relationships is most people believe that if you are in a relationship with me...you are no longer allowed to be human.

Which means that I can no longer have a thought or desire to be with another woman.

Seriously, I have been single...and I know whats out there. I will be honest and say I wish...honest to god wish that I could turn off my desire to be with other women...but I cant.

I will be with my girlfriend, and a skinny blonde bimbo, with a huge pair of aftermarket equipment will walk by...I cant help but look! Seriously...I bet if I had a blindfold on, my body would still turn in her general direction.

Point is, we as a couple realize that we are both human beings, with genetic code that sometimes works counter productive to a healthy relationship.

To say "you cant even look at another woman" is basically saying "youre not allowed to be a human being when you are with me" which is wrong and will ultimately catch up with you and end your relationship...violently.

reply to post by Perfectenemy05


I think you no one can deny that people have authentic biological desire. Personally, I believe the desire is less important than your response to your thoughts and desires.

The wife jokes about me noticing another womans physique as "art for art's sake." Like you say, that's just because my glands work properly.

I am a Christian, and so I think of things in that idiom. I'm not trying to impose my view on anyone, just offering a particular paradigm that works for us.

The attitude my wife and I share is that Temptation is not a sin. It can become sin when we tarry over it, when we savor it and make a problem out of it. In other words, smiling when you see a beautiful form is not a problem. Becoming infatuated with a co-worker's spouse is unacceptable, even if there's nothing inherently sexual about the relationship. That's the key: the problem is an improper obsession (sexual or not) with someone other than your partner. To sum up. You cannot control your eyes. But you can control your heart. And hands! . . . and . . . you get the idea!

My wife would be freaked out by porn; I think largely because she would see it as a message that I was looking for physcial intimacy somewhere else. But she will just kid me for being more interested in TV shows with certain starlets.

I've never been seriously tempted by anyone else. After a decade, and building a family and a home and a life together, I cannot picture throwing that away for anyone, regardless of what she looked like. And frankly, having lived like a lech before I met Frau Dr., I think that sex with a stranger was hardly ever as romantic or seductive as it was in my head.

Obviously, every couple must arrive at their own peace. Regardless of the specific content of their individual philosophies or lifestyles. The key to any relationship is trust.
.

[edit on 19-9-2008 by dr_strangecraft]

The secret.

Day 1: Hand over pride/dignity

+

Learn to say 3 simple sentences:

You're right.
I'm sorry
It's my fault.

9 years of marital bliss.

reply to post by schrodingers dog


A standing ovation and dancing banana to you, friend. Your wife married a genius.

Originally posted by apaulo
How long have you been married?

16 years

On a scale of 1 -10, how do you rate your marriage?

10

What is the secret of your success?

There are many. But the most important is RULES. Here are some of the rules:

-We never say, "You make me feel..." We own our feelings. "I feel..."
-If you want something done, ask. If it doesn't get done, either do it or forget it. Reminding is fine, but being resentful isn't.
-No keeping score
-Honesty
-Respect
-No name-calling. Ever.
-Talk it out. Don't hold grudges.
-Keep agreements.
-LISTEN

That's all I can think of for now. 10 years ago, I probably could have filled a page!

Originally posted by Perfectenemy05


To say "you can’t even look at another woman" is basically saying "you’re not allowed to be a human being when you are with me" which is wrong and will ultimately catch up with you and end your relationship...violently.

Originally posted by Alora

Another rule: it doesn't matter where you get your appetite from, so long as you eat dinner at home.

A dangerous path my friends… been there, done that.

Dr. Strangecraft, you said it aptly, but I would like to take this opportunity to share something about my past before I became a Christian. I used to be married to a woman that had no problem with “where I got my appetite.” Eventually that craving grew into a horrible uncontrollable monster and a friend of hers ended up joining…

Obviously, our marriage was far from sacred and it eventually shattered. The divorce left me feeling angry at myself. I knew that I had no self control when it came to sex, or even that blond bimbo walking down the street. I was a prisoner, and I wanted to be set free. To make a long story short, Jesus Christ set me free. That’s just one of many reasons that I KNOW He is real.

The most important thing that we men need to learn about women, is that they are not an object… a thing, or a toy. They are a person of priceless value. If we treat them as an object, stripping them of their dignity, we destroy their value. Eventually the relationship will implode. It’s only a matter of time. Your woman MUST know that she is significant. That her feelings, and her value is far greater than anything or anyone.

I was talking w/ Frau Dr. about this thread; trying to tell her about the various attitudes regarding "whether it's o.k. to look.

Her response was, "the problem starts when whatever activity begins to get more of your energy than your relationship does. When you begin to lower your energy investment in your relationship in order to devote effort to x, then you have a problem. What x is for you is less important than the fact that you are divesting from your love in order to feed x with your life energy. Sex might not even enter into it."

Wow. I thought that was brilliant. And it it didn't even start a fight.

Now. Back to my model trains . . . .

PS: She just walked it and said, "X could be anything----even ATS. Now, come back to the bedroom."

*over and out*
.

.

reply to post by dr_strangecraft


Profound words, indeed. Thanks for that great post.

I've only been married to my husband for 6 months but we've been together 5 years. We're both 24.

I would rate our marriage an 8. We're new at it so I'm sure it will be a 10 eventually.

Here are a few things I have learned in our time together.

1)First and foremost, think before you speak!!! You can never take back the things you say to one another. I have said maybe two things that haunt me to this day. Not because he has ever mentioned them or even remembers, but because of my own guilt. I will never make that mistake again and say something purposely hurtful for any reason. Never.

2)Trust one another. If you can't trust each other, the relationship is already over. If either of us goes out we don't have to tell the other one where we were, who was there, what time did we leave or arrive. Those are questions you ask someone you don't trust. If you have to tell your sig. other if you stopped for a coffee on the way home or popped into the store, and if you don't he will explode because he didn't know where you were for 10 minutes, you are in a bad relationship.

3)Do not leave a mess for the other person to clean up!!! Period! Dirty clothes go in the hamper, dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Not on the floor, the table, the bed, or the towel rack. We're still working on that one...

Originally posted by apaulo

A dangerous path my friends… been there, done that.

Obviously, our marriage was far from sacred and it eventually shattered. The divorce left me feeling angry at myself. I knew that I had no self control when it came to sex, or even that blond bimbo walking down the street. I was a prisoner, and I wanted to be set free. To make a long story short, Jesus Christ set me free. That’s just one of many reasons that I KNOW He is real.

First, I'm not declaring that one of us is right or wrong, I'm simply declaring the differences.

The 'fantasizing over other people is ok' rule works for us...works for me (let's take my husband out of this for a moment) because I would never cheat on him. For one thing, I would never hurt him in that manner, but mostly because I CHOOSE not to be that type of person. I don't want to be an adulterer, so I choose not to be one. The temptation does come a knocking from time to time because I'm fallible and human. That is when choice comes in. Is one night with someone else worth becoming that type of person forever and ruining a great marriage? I say no, so I choose to take my lust home.

Now bringing my husband back into this-- we lived together for 3 years before we were married, engaged for one year. I would never ever have married him if I thought for a second that he would weakly give in to lust and cheat on me.

For us, it is the freedom of being attracted to other people without any guilt and knowing that we have someone who is loyal to us at home that works for us.

He has a poster of two naked women on the wall of his work room, hugging each other. I gave it to him with the tacks to stick it up. One day he came home from work and tossed me the car keys. He said that the firemen were having a car wash down the road, and all of them had their shirts off. He asked that I pick up his sister on the way because "she's going to want to see this."

It works for us.

If you aren't able to maintain control over your behavior without the use of religion, then that is what works for you. I see no slippery slope or dangerous road, just different roads.

Originally posted by Alora

If you aren't able to maintain control over your behavior without the use of religion, then that is what works for you. I see no slippery slope or dangerous road, just different roads.

I actually thought twice about posting that response… to avoid any confrontation that would divert from the topic. However, I can’t let this one go… religion does not control my behavior, Jesus Christ does.

Anyway, I wish you the very best, and I hope your marriage will last forever…

I've been married 3 times and they were all wonderful until my drinking and drugging turned me into a self obsessed hedonistic jerk.

Now that I have gained control of my demons; my ex's and I are all VERY good friends and lovers once again.

I don't envy people that have had a stable, monogamous relationship for years. To me that sounds like eating nothing but oatmeal.
I'm proud and make no excuses for my counter culture/Bohemian lifestyle of experimentation and improvisation.
Sure there have been some sad times but they have just been a contrast for transcendental Ecstasy that defies description.





[edit on 20-9-2008 by whaaa]

I guess the conclusion I have always gotten out of these secret to marriage things is all relationships are different. Personally, if you both are having fun doing it together then thats what truly counts. If you like going to a zoo or swingers club, it doesent matter, I think that as long as you love each other and tackle life together and progess as evolve into better human beings together then your marriage will last.

...realize that YES men DO have a feminine side and use it

Sorry...been gone some time on military duty

Ok then...

Wha I mean to say is that guys have this tendency (and no not ALL guys and I am not targetting anyone specific) to play macho. They want to fix all the woman's problems and be the hero all the damn time. I've grown up with girls all my life. I had all my cootie shots when I was quite young and survived. I've learned a few things in my time. I am no relationship genius but I find that charm and charisma carries you well but actually listening to a girl...not being afraid to be romantic and cute..and listen to a girl and not try to solve everything. Turns out the often times just want an ear.

That's about what I meant. When I have energy I am sure I can use all 6500 letters on that subject

-Kyo