16 years together and now its over....

I am not sure why I am posting this it is very late and I feel like jumping in the Thames river at the moment.

First the background I suppose.
I met my wife about 16 years ago and we got straight in to a relationship, she had just turned 16 and I was 24. At 17 she fell pregnant and said that she wasn’t, I knew or to be honest thought she was and one month before the birth she said it was true. Don’t get me wrong I was over the moon about it but it was the lying that I hated. We had a beautiful little girl talk about a happy day, and then four years later we got married another wonderful day in my live for me, then seven years after our second child was born this time I stayed at home and looked after her those were more great years, seeing her crawl and her first word was dad heart melting at the time. Now 9 years married it is over just like that well ok not just like that.

Now up to date with details.
I have not been the world’s best husband obviously I will never claim that, we have had ups and downs like everybody. But I always thought we would pull through anything together, my love for her was so strong and I thought hers was to. 3 weeks ago she dropped me at work as usual and just as I was getting out of the car she said “I have something to tell you I have met someone else”. You could of knocked me down with a feather I just stud there going “what who what when I don’t understand” she drove away. I told work and rushed home I asked if there was something I could do I couldn’t even shout at her. “I need a life on my own” she said “we have lived separate lives for two years”. More explaining I believe, two years ago she said she wanted to go to university and why not I thought she has always been very intelligent. So I worked in the evenings so I could look after the children during the day while she was a uni. I have been telling everybody at work how proud we all were of her and how in love we still were if only I had known, she has met someone at uni a doctor about the same age as me. Now while at uni she got very sick guile stones and had to go in hospital I cried every night I thought I was going to lose her and because of it she has lost a lot of weight as in about seven stone and now looks great to everyone, it was never a problem to me I always thought she was great. So me being me I have been over everyday doing jobs I should have done anyway, Saturday everything needing doing was done. we were able to talk while this was going on and I asked when did it all go wrong and was there anything I could of done, “It was nine years ago when we got married”, I was like WHAT why “you kept going on about me changing everything over to my married name” she said, I told her as I had told her after we got married if everything was in the same name it would just be easier to sort out, as it was she wanted to do all the paying of the bills and all that kind of thing and if it all was in the same name it would be easer .

That is the history well most of it out of the way.
I have been depressed for a couple of years and sleeping a lot I never knew that was what it was I have been seeing my doctor the past few weeks and I am going to see a councillor to sort my head out fingers crossed.
But she still hasn’t sorted bills out as I found when I got a phone call from her saying the bailiffs were at the door about council tax which she didn’t have to pay if she put the forms in on time, and I don’t think the rent has been sorted as I think it is the same form. Then I noticed a letter that should have been sent to uni and it is still in her bag?
She has told me that uni have told her that she is telepathic and empathic, all so she is more intelligent than Einstein so they are going to give her the degree because they have been doing test on her using an fmri machine now I don’t know if any of it is true, but if it isn’t I am very worried about her and the kids.

As you can tell I am very confused about everything and not sure what to do for the best I still love her and I will never stop loving my children for as long as I live which at the moment might not be that very long,
Thank you all for listening the my madness Switchblade.

reply to post by switchblade


The only advice I can offer, and trust me in that you dont want to hear it, is forget about her. She chose her life, and burned you.

She has big claims of geniuos yet has no rationel.

Get custody of your children and love them like you do, they deserve your love, not some bitch that wants "her own life".

I'm sorry for you!
Divorce is VERY hard!
The main thing is that your daughters will ALWAYS love you, even if they get to be 17 and say, "You suck"!
They'll grow up and realise how important you are!
You're wife sounds really narcissistic!
My real dad gave us up and then he died.

[edit on 2-9-2008 by Clearskies]

Wow I'm really sorry you're going through such a hard time. It's such a hard thing to deal with. I hope that whatever happens it works out for the best. I just want to ask you about a particular part of your post.

Originally posted by switchblade

She has told me that uni have told her that she is telepathic and empathic, all so she is more intelligent than Einstein so they are going to give her the degree because they have been doing test on her using an fmri machine now I don’t know if any of it is true, but if it isn’t I am very worried about her and the kids.

This is very, very fishy. Either she is just making up a ridiculous story to somehow manipulate you, or she really believes this and is being sucked into some kind of cult (like Scientology). Either way it is extremely messed up and you should be on your guard. Be very careful of her and I would change your bank pin numbers, your computer passwords, and everything you don't want her divorce lawyer getting his hands on.

Also, I would file a measure with the court to grant you immediate custory of the kids if this is possible, I don't know if they do this in the UK, because if she is being sucked into some kind of cult, she isn't fit to have custody and I think the court would agree. You shouldn't let your kids out of your sight until this gets sorted out.

If she hasn't paid the bills then it looks like she's been planning this for a while. Be very careful, and best of luck.

All you can do is move on mate. If she has really felt this way for as long as she says she has then it really is pointless trying to get her back. The longer you spend thinking about her the harder it will become to let go. You will have to stay in touch to an extent because there is a child involved but don't pin your hopes on a sudden change of heart. I know it's a cliche but there are plenty more fish in the sea. It probably doesn't seem like it at the moment but in time you'll realise.

As far as honorary degrees in exchange for tests on her exceptional telepathic mind are concerned, don't listen to it. It's simply not true. What purpose it is supposed to serve I'm not sure and maybe neither is she but just let her get on with it.

And I wouldn't suggest jumping in the Thames just yet. Why not try your local swimming pool first? It's a great way to meet new people and not nearly as cold and muddy!

keep your chin up

:-)

Yes move on,I got divorced 2 yrs ago after being married for 27 years,was real sad for the children,she moved away and my kids all lived with me,now she sees how good I was,look at it as a new chapter in life,people do change,but pining over it will just eat you up inside,it gives you time for some retrospect,see what you did wrong and try not to make same mistake,life goes on

i feel for you. i just got divorced a month ago and i am majorly depressed over it...i keep waiting for it to get easier

It's been a year: and I still cant get over her.

Every morning she is the first thought in my head and every night all I do is think about her, some people say "nothing easy is worth having" and "never give up on somebody you think about everyday".

I love her so much I still have to hold back the tear's nearly every night, we still see each other because of our children and it is not getting any easier.

Is it ever going to get any easier or is this it for the rest of my life?

reply to post by switchblade


My heart aches for you sb ...

All I can say that I hope you reconnect with another person who loves you as much as you deserve. That is not to say that there won't be a piece of your heart left behind, and that it won't break a little every time you see her.

I know it sounds stupidly obvious to say, but it is time to move on and give yourself a chance at the very least to find peace and even at happiness.

And there's always someone here to talk to if you need to.

How do I get over her Schrodingers Dog? (Schrodingers Dog it had to be a psychology based name) I have got my oldest daughter living with me and my other daughter lives with her so we have to see each other every week.

reply to post by switchblade


Sorry to hear this man. Hang in there, I am sure everything will work out in the long run.

Were are all with you.

reply to post by switchblade


You don't have to get over her sb ...
You just have to give yourself a break and do the little things to move with your life.
I wish I had a convenient answer my friend, I really do.
But it sounds like on top of the practical necessity of having to interact with her you are also holding out hope ... and in these cases, the pain is not nearly as crushing as the hope.
I dont know your life situation, are you out there meeting new people and focusing on moving on, or are you sad/depressed all the time, introverted, and closed to possibilities because you're still holding out hope for reconciliation?
Only you know these things ...

In my opinion, you just need to see her as passed. She is no more. Literal death. The person you loved is gone, because she is not the same human being, she is something very different in the same shell.

The easiest way to make it end? I would just mourn her passing. You might still see her, but whats inside is no longer what you loved. She has formed a different set of values and a personality to go with it.

Go out when you can and meet people. Your kids need to know their dad is stronger than the situation. Happiness is always around the corner if you prepare for it.

Heya Switchblade,

I went through this myself about 2 years ago.

It has nothing to do with you, you were married too young, in my case my ex was 8 years younger than me even though I was old enough she was only 20, it's not you or anything else she is discarding, it's a need to have some portion of an adult life to herself or different or simply to change.

None of that is much consolation, I know... but it doesn't sound like your having major problems with your children...

The real problem it seems, Is depression

Once your depressed it's hard to break the pattern... 2 years, by now you should be past the bulk of the actual feelings for her and it sounds like your not letting go...

For me it ended, or began to end after the first year, and brief period of self destruction and depression.

You need to find yourself again... it's really hard, ten years is a long time, you form patterns, routines, your expecting things to never change

I think... it sounds like I had it a bit easier because I had in many ways fallen out of love, but she was for a long time very jerkiness about the kids and it was a fight and time away from them killed me for a time

But in the end... what pulled me up was my innate selfishness...

This can be a great time, particulalry if you can see your children and that is straight...

I'm going to ask you to look at the bright side, that might sound a bit odd, but really, stop with the suicide, ditch Emotion and Think logically

1: You are single, there are beautiful women out there

2: You are free to make friends

3: you have time to work on yourself, time you surely lost by entering a relationship to long.

4: you have NO ONE to answer too anymore

5: Even if your making payments... the rest of anything you earn is YOUR OWN to waste or use as you please on anything.


For me... this is becoming these last 6 months bit by bit a Second Renaissance in my life...

Let me explain something, once I realized the DEPRESSION made no sense and I started LIVING again... from that moment I am IN LOVE with LIFE againAnd you can be too!!!!!!!!!! You need an AWAKENING about what is really before you...

You can bemoan lost Love or Realize... NO GOOD STORY is worth it's weight in Poop, without some tragedy, get over your suicidal insane emotions and this is YOUR STORY and it's time to write a whole NEW chapter!!!

Let me give you an example...

My last 4 months...

I have climbed a mountain and explored 3 caves

I drove an old car I bought until it blew up just for Some it's and giggles

I took another Car a Nissan and I have driven it through the woods side ways and done dukes of Hazzards off cliffs with the sucker... Why? because no CHICK is there to tell me not to...

I go out whenever I can afford it and get drunk and fool around with girls waaaay to young for me...

I have friends and we can sit around smoking and no one complains

I have been rappelling

Rock climbing

Rafting

Camping...

This week I bought a Composite Bow and shot boxes of cereal in my underwear in my living room with it... (been using it in the woods everyday)

Last night I went to a carnival

Today I went shooting photographs on a 1600.00 dollar Camera (that no one could tell me was an "extreme" purchase)

I get to meet new Women again (this admittedly wasn't an easy transition) (and yes it is mention 2x because it's GREAT) But slowly but surely I am getting good at it again...

I sleep as late as I want

I Dance when I can

working out, being athletic, goofing off, reading and many other things that were "scheduled" out of my life by HER are now back

My kids think i'm so cool now it's scary

Did I mention you could get laid again....oh yeah I did

I'm not making it sound easy... I got threw a financial blow last month siiiiigh and I would like to see kids a bit more often and all... but I have that in the bag too.... because I don't give a crap

so bro

what I am saying is

OH MY GOD YOUR SINGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GO HAVE SOME DAMN FUN AND STOP MOPING!!!!!!!

Seriously

My Name Mopus Vindictus...

I picked it in the same state of mind as your in right now...

Just here to tell you, your wasting good life with negative energy, it's out of your hands but life isn't

A year later... I wish I could change my name... I don't know who Mopus Vindictus actually is anymore, and I am embarrassed I let another person turn me into a Vindictive Mope for a time when it's so beautiful outside today



Live long, live well my friend.

You can't keep Loving her, but you can Love Life and so long as you do your a page turn away from the next chapter of your book my friend.

Being single is fantastic!!!!!! Let go of her and embrace yourself





[edit on 17-9-2009 by mopusvindictus]

[edit on 17-9-2009 by mopusvindictus]

Originally posted by switchblade
I love her so much I still have to hold back the tear's nearly every night, we still see each other because of our children and it is not getting any easier.

Is it ever going to get any easier or is this it for the rest of my life?

IMO, just be proud of the fact that you indeed have a heart and that your not afraid to express yourself to her.

Heck, you should be proud of the fact that your a person willing to care for your own family despite the hardships.

There are truths you don't want to hear but Im sure your well aware of them.
But there are some things that aren't truth yet. And one of those is that hope is not lost.

Typically, women want to stand by men who master their emotions instead of dwell in them. And I believe that it should be this way as a gender who by default has been bestowed the responsibility of sustaining the family.

From what I see, she feels she has over-powered you and that you are a hindrance for that purpose.

I don't know you so I can't determine the truth of the matter... but I will say this:
As long as you breath, you can still succeed.
If you want her, you'll have to live like you can live without her.

Women leave men because of their lack of power. A man can beat her wife but the wife wouldn't dare leave the man regardless in terms of action. But be sure as hell they'll say they would. But the results speak for themselves.

And you need to speak to her with results.

Take it from my personal experience, and the probability of success through statistics.

Live as though you can live without her.
Live as though you never needed her.

And she will come to know that she still wants you.
Why does it work? Reverse psychology does miraculous things my friend.
And if anything, emotions persuades even the most hardened resolve.
The realization that she was willing to leave someone who could turn their head and not look back will stirr thoughts.

You know the saying....
You wont know what you have until you lost it?

Well she wont know what it means to lose you until she knows she can't get you back even if she wants to.

Now, in the process you might change your mind and really pull through with letting her go. But if your love is true, it will prevail.

---------------------
Now my final words...
Take what i've said as information to help with determining what you want to do... I am NOT giving you a command.

So cheers, be happy that you had the opportunity to experience the challenge of having a family. Some of us just aren't fortunate enough to even say the words "I love you" to anyone and really pull through life with it.

My goal is to possibly affect your life in a positive manner. And I hope that your life in the future will indeed make you smile.

[edit on 17-9-2009 by GambitVII]

[edit on 17-9-2009 by GambitVII]

first step, DONT try to understand it... it will drive you nuts...
just take it for what it is and move on.

I can say this from experience.. had about the same years ago, except with a nice twist, my ex decided to run off with my best friend and take 1/2 my stuff and my caddy while i was at work.
I have not seen or had any contact from either since.

You will never forget or change the way you feel about her.. it just becomes a part of you past in time.
It has probably been 15 years since my ex did that to me, and there are still days where something will happen that will stop me in my tracks.

But you cant let it rule your life, everything is for a reason. Trust me..
If my ex didnt leave when she did, i would have never met the person i am with, and we would have never had our foster kids, who without us would probably of ended up in jail or worse.
Things work out eventualy you will notice as you look back and more time goes on.
and no , it is not easy, all those sayings that people tell you, well... most advice is from people who have no clue.
It will get easier in time, but never goes away.
www.youtube.com...
www.youtube.com...

I know what you're going through, I spent a lot of time in the same place. I'm fine now, although it took a while.

I'd strongly suggest you take Mopus Vindictus's advice. You have your life back and it's up to you what you do with it. It really may be time to start having fun.

From what you wrote it appears that your wife was never entirely honest with you. It's a pity that you spent so many years with someone so deceitful. You could have spent the time with someone who cared about you and your welfare.

I think the fact that she was so young at the beginning of the relationship had a lot to do with it. Her behaviour has been very immature. I wonder if she felt trapped having started her family so young?

I thought the way she let you know she was leaving you was particularly callous. Had she really no idea that you would be in no state to go to work after being given news like that? I have to wonder if you're not better off without her.

I've said this more than once - I wouldn't swap my dog for the person who hurt me. He's not the most affectionate creature but I get more joy out of him than I ever got out of a person who was selfish and had 'commitment issues'.

My pride was the thing that really came to my rescue. You can only see yourself weak and enfeebled for so long, then you have to fight back. You're a complete person, a unique individual with your own way of looking at the world and your own way of enjoying your life.

Why on Earth would you want to be held back by a dishonest person who never appears to have had your best interests at heart? Let her go and realise that you've had a lucky escape. You're still young enough to get your life back together and, after this, you may be in a better position to judge who will or won't be good for you.

I hope I don't sound too harsh - I really do hope you can pull through this. I wouldn't want to see you waste as much of your life as I did.

You didn't mention whether your ex stayed with the doctor she told you about. I was just thinking that it probably wasn't her first affair. I am saying this because my husband constantly kept our marriage in a state of turmoil with affairs. It is never easy to get over the emotional stab that a person feels when their spouse is a whore. Even if you were to get back together, you would never feel the same about her or ever be able to trust her again.

I do firmly believe that, as the old saying goes, "what you put into the lives of others comes back into your very own". If there is any consolation for your feelings, know that she will be hurt by someone, or lose someone and know your feelings.

Maybe you should be glad that you are able to see her, although it is painful. After all the years of hell, my husband died and I still loved him, as I know you still love your ex. At least she is alive and you can have some little part of her in your life. You have children and will always have a bond.

Go and make the best of your life, time is the only thing that heals. Treat her like crap when you see her and listen to upbeat music. Try to stay active and don't allow idle time to bring you down.

I don't know you, and I hope I haven't spoke out of turn.

Forget this girl. You have to pretend like shes dead, because thats exactly what she is...DEAD. The person you were with all those years doesnt exist anymore.

reply to post by switchblade


It sounds to me like she got tied down way too early and this is the result. I wouldn't take it personally, despite how hard this is for you and yours. She will most likely come to regret this.