Need Some Advice - For a Friend

Here's the quick run down.

My friend, "Mathew" met a girl, they've known each other for about eight months and are already engaged.

I think it's great, both Mathew and his bride-to-be are awesome people.

But here's the part that worries me.

Mathew is just 21. His fiance is 19.

She's pressing him for a baby, he's ok with it, but he does have his doubts.

I want to try to talk to him and give him advice. He's following the EXACT same road as I did when I was his age. It's like looking into a mirror, and my relationship ended pretty badly.

I don't want to see him make the same mistakes I did, both he and his fiance are great people. I just feel they're rushing into it.

How should I approach him? Or should I just 'but out'?

He's my best friend, and I'm just worried about him. I know he's going to do what he wants to do, and power to him. But I just wish he'd think a little deeper, having a child requires a lot. So does a marriage.

Like me, I met my ex-wife young, I was 20 at the time. We got engaged and married a year later. That same year, we had a kid together. Three years later, we broke up. I didn't have a steady job, we didn't have a nice place to live and we had all the odds against us.

Mathew is in the EXACT same shoes. Although his fiance is sane, unlike my ex...

Thoughts? Comments?




Peace,
FK

I've been there and done that, 38 years ago. Things were a lot easier then, financially, but I only know of one couple that I knew then that are still together. They do smoke a lot of dope though. A woman that young spends to much time alone with the kid and becomes resentful, or has to work to pay for the things that she sees on the boob tube. The kid is shipped off to day care to spend their developmental years being raised by who knows what kind of people. It is wise to learn to live alone if you can afford to and have some relationships with others. Learn the difference between superficial wants and real needs and find some one that can also know the difference. My only kid is 35 and his wife is pregnant for the first time. They are happy but a kid is a lot of responsibility, but they both are well educated and have careers.

Thanks for the comment.

Mathew is my best friend here, he's helped me out more times then I'd care to remember. And I don't want to see him make the mistakes I did.

Although I know his fiance is a great gal, it's just feels like she's pushing him to go ahead of things when none are really ready.

They just need to sit down and talk about it seriously, his fiance just keeps bringing it up every time she sees a baby. (It's like she's obsessed about it.)

I just want the best for them. Love them both like family.


Peace,
FK

Been there done that too. Not quite as "seasoned" as the other member. But mature enough to lend advice

Unfortunately, your friend has to make his own choices.
I got married at a young age. You are a different person when you are 20 and when you are 30. People told me not to get married and I thought I was smart and knew better. Sadly I did not. Now your friends might beat the odds and make it to their 75th wedding anniversary. Give them your love and support for better or worse.

Originally posted by fishneedh2oNow your friends might beat the odds and make it to their 75th wedding anniversary.

It would be great.

Originally posted by fishneedh2oGive them your love and support for better or worse.

They've got that.

I got married when I was 18, and by then we already had 2 kids. We lasted 20 years, but they were the worst 20 years ever.
At a young age you don't even really know who you are or what you want out of life yet.
Far to young to make a serious commitment to anyone or anything.
Getting married, means nothing any more, really. It doesn't make you love each other more, and it doesn't mean you won't end up divorced.
If your friends girlfriend is so interested in babies and children, perhaps she needs to work at a daycare center for a few years.
It truly is best for them NOT to jump into anything. They need to get themselves oriented in life before bringing another child into this world.
Have they looked at how much it costs to have a child? Have they realized that they will have NO social life anymore without paying a babysitter?
Does your friend have a good paying job, or plan to go back to school?
I truly do not think they have thought this through at all.
Words of experience...
Wait, and be sure. There is no reason to rush. They are still in the honeymoon stage relationship wise. That could change dramatically over a short period of time. Even the most solid of relationships/marriages, are strained with the arrival of a child.
They need to just enjoy being together, and being young. You only have that youth once, and if you miss out on it, it creeps back at you when you hit mid-life. Words of experience there too.
Iam sure they are very intelligent, and just caught up in the whirlwind of love. As a real friend, try to keep them grounded.

The way I see it (speaking from a complete lack of experience here,) they're already engaged. There's nothing you can do but lend a little helpful advice. If you try to make either of them reconsider, they're very likely to turn against you. Be there for them, help them out of they need it...and hang on!

I'd recommend telling him you support his decision, whatever it may be 100%.
But advise him to make sure he has a steady job, a lovely house and a few savings prepared before having a baby.

Babies and weddings are both very expensive things, and I think even someone who had been saving for a while could comfortably afford both within a short time of one another.

Tell him if they're really in love, it won't matter how long they'll have to wait before because it'll eventually happen. At a time when life making decisions are being made, you'll be a better friend if you rationally support him rather than try and convince him its a bad idea. Be there, support him and just be a mate.

Originally posted by JackofBlades
I'd recommend telling him you support his decision, whatever it may be 100%.
But advise him to make sure he has a steady job, a lovely house and a few savings prepared before having a baby.

Babies and weddings are both very expensive things, and I think even someone who had been saving for a while could comfortably afford both within a short time of one another.

Tell him if they're really in love, it won't matter how long they'll have to wait before because it'll eventually happen. At a time when life making decisions are being made, you'll be a better friend if you rationally support him rather than try and convince him its a bad idea. Be there, support him and just be a mate.

I agree 100% with JackofBlades.

You should definitely tell your buddy all these things. If he is your best friend you should definitely not butt out. You wouldn't want him to let you make a a mistake without saying anything.

Just try to approach the problem logically and ask him how expects to raise a child if they don't even have a nice place to live.

Thank you all for your valuable input!

I tried talking to him the other day, but he brushed me off harshly when I started discussing the subject of having a kid and if he's ready.

He does know that I support him no matter what. I've been there for him, and he's been there for me.

But I see this ending in a lot of heartache for the both of them.

I'll try again, I just want him to know that I'll be there for him if he needs it, but I also would like for him to seriously sit down and think how hard it's going to be.

He just took out a loan for a crappy car... He's no where in the neighborhood of being close to ready.

Peace,
FK

reply to post by Frontkjemper


Some lessons are best learned the hard way.

I suppose so, but I guess that when you've been through it yourself, you automatically want to prevent others from doing it themselves.

Again, thank you all for the help and advice. I appreciate it.