I have no friends, I hate myself...

I found out recently that I only had 1 real freind, well, maybe 2, however me and her are nolonger friends.
Let me explain a little bit of how I've ended up friendless.
I used to have tons of friends, or at least people who said they were my friend. THe strange thing is though, they would never come to my house and see me, they'd never stick up for me, they'd never pay for my movie ticket, dinner ect., yet they were my friends, I had fun with them and stuff.
One day I became homless, none of them would help me out, none of them would take me in, even though I knew these people for years and was convinced that they were my friends. Only one person (I still love her), helped me out, we became real close and I was able to get back on my feet. Me and Kerry were like a married couple (but without the sexual stuff), we weren't really even a couple, but we acted like one, we shoped together, slept in the same bed together and visited her family and did a lot of stuff together, but we were never in love with each other and didn't want to persue a romantic relationship. One day I was going through some hard times, I told Kerry that I might be leaving to go live with my parents in Missouri, she told me "If you ever leave me, I'll fall apart", well I left, I left TX without even saying good bye to any of my "friends", I felt very betrayed by them. Well after half a year I came back to TX, lived with some friends of mine and was having a great time, I visited Kerry and said "See you didn't really fall apart", she said "Actually I did", it seems that I was her moral compass, when I left her life fell apart, she told me she doesn't love God anymore, that hurt me and hit me pretty hard. I still hung out with her, but I figured that sense I hurt her so badly, that if we become close agian it may destroy her even worse than ever. So over time I saw her less and less and eventually faded away out of her life. Well, after a while, I got my heart broken, big time by this girl I thought loved me, we knew each other for a long time and she let me down even though she acted like she liked me, I loved her, the pain I felt, it was horrible . I became very suicidal, as an alternative to commiting suicide, I instead moved to Missouri, back with my parents. after a few months I found out that one of my "friends" was getting married and I was invited.

It turns out, when I left, everyone elses life turned to hell, some of my "friends" started doing drugs and became incredibly morally corrupt. I was there moral compass, I was valued by many for that quality I had, now that I left, there lives were ruined. I can never forgive myself for that.

I am commiting my life to not having friends or romantic relationships or anything. It may be a lonely painful and terrible life I live, but at least I'm not destroying anymore lives.

I hate my life, I hate who I am, I'll never kill myself, but I sure do want to. It seems I've become the thing I always fought agianst.

:bnghd::bnghd::bnghd:

I HATE Jimmy Williams

buck up jimmy, im not sure what to say other than i can sympathize with how you feel, youre not alone my man, and im sorry to hear youre having a rough go of it.

peace friend

reply to post by jimmyjackblack




I just wanted to say I have been there man, I know how it feels to lose everyone.

You arent ruining anyones life though and you shouldnt be so hard on yourself. Life is too short to hate who you are, and the first thing you have to do is come to terms with the source of your pain and forgive yourself for whatever it is you think you have done wrong.

You have to love yourself first, and the only way to do that is by getting out there and earning a good life for yourself.

People have the notion that self esteem is free but it isnt. Self worth is earned through a life of doing good things and helping others and being a person that you can respect. You have to earn self esteem by doing things that will make you feel worthy of a good life.

I know it all sounds like a bunch of B.S. but I have been there and done the self hating stuff and let me tell you, it leads to nothing but sadness and a lonely existence. You have to figure out exactly what things are most important in your life and foster those things for growth as a person.

Dont focus on all of that negative stuff because none of us are perfect, we all make mistakes and there isnt one person in this world who hasnt been knocked down by life.

The trick is to keep getting back up every single time. Nobody else will do it for you. Nobody else will walk in your shoes. It is up to you. Instead of sitting around and beating yourself up, use that energy to do something good. You are the only one who can change your situation, but it is so much easier than you think.

You can either keep doing what you are doing and feeling terrible or you can wake up tommorrow and say "I cant change the past but I am here in the present and my future is entirely up to me from this point forward."


Life is hard and happiness must be earned, but it is well worth the work and the sacrifice. To have personal peace and to be content with who you are is the most precious gift anyone can receive.


Good luck man.... don't ever give up on yourself

Originally posted by jimmyjackblack
I found out recently that I only had 1 real freind, well, maybe 2, however me and her are nolonger friends.
Let me explain a little bit of how I've ended up friendless.
I used to have tons of friends, or at least people who said they were my friend. THe strange thing is though, they would never come to my house and see me, they'd never stick up for me, they'd never pay for my movie ticket, dinner ect., yet they were my friends, I had fun with them and stuff.
One day I became homless, none of them would help me out, none of them would take me in, even though I knew these people for years and was convinced that they were my friends. Only one person (I still love her), helped me out, we became real close and I was able to get back on my feet. Me and Kerry were like a married couple (but without the sexual stuff), we weren't really even a couple, but we acted like one, we shoped together, slept in the same bed together and visited her family and did a lot of stuff together, but we were never in love with each other and didn't want to persue a romantic relationship. One day I was going through some hard times, I told Kerry that I might be leaving to go live with my parents in Missouri, she told me "If you ever leave me, I'll fall apart", well I left, I left TX without even saying good bye to any of my "friends", I felt very betrayed by them. Well after half a year I came back to TX, lived with some friends of mine and was having a great time, I visited Kerry and said "See you didn't really fall apart", she said "Actually I did", it seems that I was her moral compass, when I left her life fell apart, she told me she doesn't love God anymore, that hurt me and hit me pretty hard. I still hung out with her, but I figured that sense I hurt her so badly, that if we become close agian it may destroy her even worse than ever. So over time I saw her less and less and eventually faded away out of her life. Well, after a while, I got my heart broken, big time by this girl I thought loved me, we knew each other for a long time and she let me down even though she acted like she liked me, I loved her, the pain I felt, it was horrible

. I became very suicidal, as an alternative to commiting suicide, I instead moved to Missouri, back with my parents. after a few months I found out that one of my "friends" was getting married and I was invited.

It turns out, when I left, everyone elses life turned to hell, some of my "friends" started doing drugs and became incredibly morally corrupt. I was there moral compass, I was valued by many for that quality I had, now that I left, there lives were ruined. I can never forgive myself for that.

I am commiting my life to not having friends or romantic relationships or anything. It may be a lonely painful and terrible life I live, but at least I'm not destroying anymore lives.

I hate my life, I hate who I am, I'll never kill myself, but I sure do want to. It seems I've become the thing I always fought agianst.

:bnghd::bnghd::bnghd:

I HATE Jimmy Williams

well my life just got a whole lot crappier. i have no ciagerettes. no left overs. and im sober. now all the dreaded idio syncrosys that everyone does start to bother me and i focus less on my own.

I've picked up on some of your postings here and there on this forum. I think that it would be a good idea if you were to cut yourself and the people around you some slack. Lighten up, and set some reasonable expectations for yourself. It isn't your fault that people are screwed up. They may or may not stay that way. We are all bozos, and it is all right to have every ones best interest be of concern, but you can't let them take you down with them, because they hurt themselves. This planet was screwed up long before any of us got here and it is not likely to change for the better. Live life by your own code of ethics, don't force your beliefs on others and try to be tolerant. Empathy is a real pain for those of us that experience it, because it attracts the kind of people that will exploit it to their advantage and use you as a s**t can. Find a physical outlet for the sake of your psyche. I know that is hard to do with the weather extremes in Texas but your body will adapt. Eat right, and make your health a priority. Bestow some love on yourself, and see the difference that makes in your own self worth. You will find that you can have a choice of prospective friends to choose from.

not to throw salt in a wound, your rant comes across a bit judgmental. You leave, come back and then deem everyone has lost their morality, and implying that you are some type of "moral compass."

There's no need to carry some sort of cross for other people's actions. If you truly believe you were holding all these pseudo-friends' lives together, you are either naive, or had some extremely defendant people hanging around you, which would explain why they turned out not to be such good friends.

reply to post by scientist


THe later might be true. I've had several of my friends tell me that I am there moral compass, it's up to them to understand what's right and wrong for themselves. When I left, a bunch of my friends started doing drugs, not weed or something light like that, but hard drugs, many of them started to get into some rather bad things like stealing and insurance fraud ect.. When I was around them they had there life on track simply because I was the opposite of that voice inside that told them to do things that were'nt good. I was a very generous friend, I loved taking people out to eat, paying for movie tickets, paying for groceries, helping someone out with a car payment, you name it, even though I didn't have a lot of money (I struggled a lot with my finances because of my generousity) I still tried to help out and show my love for others through money. I was also a very encouraging person, but I had a break down because of Angela and that ruined my life, I've given a lot of myself to others, but I never get anything back, I expect that though, I don't want people to feel as though they have an obligation, I keep thinking that we can all help each other, but people don't do that, it's always one person giving and all the others taking. Also when I would be having girl trouble, I'd go to my friends and they would say I need to change who I am, then after I did that they would tell me not to try and be someone else, but be myself. None of my friends ever tried to hook me up with anyone, but they did so with each other, only one guy tried to hook me up and it was with a swedish model (at least that's what he said she was), but she never showed up at the dinner party (I have both rich high class friends as well as poor, close to homelss friends, well, had). I always had to go to other poeples houses, nobody ever came to mine, if I was feeling down people would attack me and tell me I need to get over it cause I'm bringing everyone down, but if any of the others were feeling down we'd all try and comfort them.
One night we were all playing volley ball and I started to have some heart problems and told the others and I said "Guy's, my hearts acting weird, I'm going to have to lay down", one person who was training to be an EMT came over and took my pulse, she told me it was pretty high, everyone continued to play and didn't even care, later on she checked my pulse agian and it was soaring, it was higher than before, but nobody cared, they continued to play through the night. Another time when we were playing volleyball, a guy twisted his ankle, everybody stopped playing, they stopped the whole game and rushed over there to help him out. Another time this other gy had an ingrown toenail, someone actually stepped on it and it started to bleed, the game was stopped and everyone rushed over to help him out, they carried him over to the side and poured water on it and asked if he needed an ambulence, IT WAS A FREAKING INGROWN TOENAIL! I had two ingrown toenails and they bled all the time, the guy didn't have enemia or anything, he was just fine! However,WHEN YOUR "FRIEND" IS HAVING HEART PROBLEMS YOU DON'T EVEN FREAKIN CARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I've never had any real friends except maybe two. I hate what happens when there lives get destroyed and I hate that they don't really care about me. I told one of my friends, the longest and closest friend I've ever had, I told him it's over, his responce was "Well that was random, whatever makes ya happy dude, take care", that's jsut sickening, he did'nt even care, he didn't care that I was ending ti with him.
THat's the kind of friends I have,

-Jimmy

Real friends are hard to find and very rare. Usually when you lose your job or have an illness that is when they show their true colors. You need to asses your needs and carefully adjust to that. Some people are very happy being in a close group of few people while others desperately need the attention of many due to their insecurities.

Simply a few good friends is way better than being the most popular person among fakes.

As far as you hating yourself. Very few people truly hate themselves. In most cases they have been conditioned to think bad thoughts about their intelligence, looks, etc. from parents and worthless spouses. Start off realizing that most people are just as screwed up as you are and no body is truly financially successful. Everyone is massively in debt because that is the way the system is set up and you get get buy unless you are extremely poor or in way over your head trying to achieve the American Dream.

I don't expect this to cheer you up instantly, but I gave up on expecting anything from friends a long, long time ago.

I mean, I still have close friends, but I never for an instant would ever presume that they even have a remote interest in my well-being, and I typically think that friendship is just a superficial cure for boredom, indecision or lack of independence.

Then again, I'm just a bursting ray of sunshine, so maybe I'm just not looking for the negatives.

reply to post by jimmyjackblack



jimmy

i'm a mate for life my friend, i know what you are going through i have been there. i have no friends, the only real friend i had i had to turn away from because their life was at odds with my own as a Christian.

were your friends Christian? If not see it as the Lord clearing house for you. If they were, believe me there will be a reason. i went round full circle with a major blow out and learnt a huge amount from God.

Love is from God and he understood Adam was alone and gave him eve. He has your eve just waiting for you. However your timing may not be his timing and he knows best, both for you and her. She may not be as you need her just yet and she needs to be put through the furnace by the Lord,as may you.

remember as Christians we must leave everything to the Lord and this includes relationships, cleave to the Lord Jimmy, not things of this world. As a Christian you have all the friends you need.

I realise that none of what, i, or anyone can say will make you feel any better right at this moment, but i want you to know that i here to do whatever i can. you can call me if you need to, Im not great on the blower but i can listen and I promise you, i can understand.

You can beat depression my friend. I know it! It distorts reality a great deal.


All the best

David

If I could just add my 2 cents. I don't need friends to be happy in life. In fact, I don't have a single friend in the world and I'm not unhappy about it. I may sound full of myself, I hope I don't come across that way, but I have not been able to find a friend that meets my expectations of what a friend should be. I've had so called friends tell huge lies to me, steal from me, sponge off me with no intention of returning any favors, etc. I've looked high and low to find someone who had qualities that I could be a friend with...and I finally gave up.

I'm also to the point of stopping all goodwill to people. I frequently donate, or try to help people out when they are in hard times. Nine times out of ten, I get burned. The last time I adopted a family for Christmas and spent a lot of money on them. I caught the mother selling everything I had bought for her children on ebay.

Where are people's morals? With people I've come across, who needs friends?

My husband is my best friend. My kids are my best friends.

[edit on 28-8-2008 by virraszto]

reply to post by virraszto


I would agree with you completely. I feel that not everyone will end up drepressed or screwed up in the head if they chose not to have friends. If you are genuinely happy than whats the problem.

The problem is that most people can not asses their own psychological well being. Not even Phd. Psychologist. The brain is bias. Anyway, if we told everyone that it is ok to be very picky with your friends than we would have more upset loner psychopathic criminals on the loose.

I have friends that do not try to manipulate me for there financial gain and that is very rare these days, therefore I have very few friends.

I'm completely happy with the fact that I'm protecting my mental and financial well being by doing this.

There is a saying that I love....

You are the company that you keep. If you're with no one, than you are your own one!

[edit on 29-8-2008 by MrMysticism]

Originally posted by virraszto
If I could just add my 2 cents. I don't need friends to be happy in life. In fact, I don't have a single friend in the world and I'm not unhappy about it. I may sound full of myself, I hope I don't come across that way, but I have not been able to find a friend that meets my expectations of what a friend should be. I've had so called friends tell huge lies to me, steal from me, sponge off me with no intention of returning any favors, etc. I've looked high and low to find someone who had qualities that I could be a friend with...and I finally gave up.

I'm also to the point of stopping all goodwill to people. I frequently donate, or try to help people out when they are in hard times. Nine times out of ten, I get burned. The last time I adopted a family for Christmas and spent a lot of money on them. I caught the mother selling everything I had bought for her children on ebay.

Where are people's morals? With people I've come across, who needs friends?

My husband is my best friend. My kids are my best friends.

[edit on 28-8-2008 by virraszto]

What if you knew you would be alone for the rest of your life? I know I will, I saw it when I was younger, tried to change my future and couldn't, no matter what I do I can't change the future, I'n going to be alone and misirrable for the rest of my life. I've become so jaded and hard hearted that I don't want to have a relationship, I pretty much hate women (sorry to all the innocent ladies out there), I've been rejected so much and used so much, I don't think a woman would ever love me, I think they're all out to try and just please themselves and be greedy and selfish, that's been my experience at least and I have'nt seen anything that is contrary. I'm not skinny, rich or have musical talent, therefore I am un lovable according to the vast majority of women. People tell me God will send her or I just havent found her yet and stuff, honestly, they've been saying that my whole life, I think it's bull. No woman will ever love me, I will never love a woman (or a man either).
I feel some much hatred in my heart, towards my self mostly, but towards the world as well, but there is a part of me that wants to do good and wants to help others and wants to show love to others. That part of me is dying, the good part of me is dying. So many women and friends have stabbed that part, it's only a matter of time till it's gone.

-Jimmy

I can understand your feeling that way, but you've got to change your attitude. You've got to make yourself #1. To get yourself out of this slump, you need to worry making numero uno happy. When you feel better about yourself, your whole persona and attitude will change. Positive attracts positive. Negative attracts negative. When you feel better about yourself, good things will come your way. Please remember that you are the most important person in your life.

reply to post by jimmyjackblack


Dude grow some balls. You have seem to have no confidence at all.

What do you want out of life??

Do you really want to not have any relationships with women of the caliber you desire?

The only thing stopping you from achieving WHATEVER it is you want out of life is your own thoughts.

When you say things like couldn't, cant, impossible, will not, et c you are creating your future.

Dont you see it?

so what you saw you would be alone for your whole life in your mind's eye. Screw that version and focus on the one where you have positive upbeat and cool friends.

People can bring great things into your life, and you can bring great things into people's lives.


Women reject men who are scared of rejection. Men who are scared of rejection display all kinds of subcommunication that they are really insecure and wimpy. A woman doesn't get turned on by this and will only be your friend in the end.

As a man I love having sex and its natural you know. As a man, sex comes before a full blown relationship.

Why do you hate women? don't hate at all. I love women and women love me. Try adopting my attitude and say it every day with the amount of strength you put into hating yourself and women.

Pretty much everyone is selfish. Look at anyone in your life or someone else's life. The only reason they are around is because they give and get some kind of value.

Buying people things, and spending on them, and supplicating them does not make a person feel good, but it gets them set into a mental pattern. They picture you as the guy who can save them a bit of money. You have some kind of value, but not IMO the desirable kind of value that is good in the long term.

Be the fun guy that has a good time no matter what he is doing and watch the change in your life.

so your not skinny, rich, or musically inclined. so what I may happen to have those attributes, but those aren't what makes a woman attracted to you. They are attributes, they help but aren't necessary.

Now if your hella fat, work on loosing some weight and taking care of your body. Dont do it for women do it for yourself.
If you are too poor to afford to go out and have a good time, find a way to change this.


God is not going to send you a woman to just love you and be your wife! lol you need some balls. Now God does present opportunities every day for you to interact with magnificent women(not just magnificent looks), but it is up to you to take the initiative to be social, charming, and funny.

Be a man and don't let your emotions control your life.

Let me tell you this, as I was in your shoes long ago.

You and you alone have the power to change your future. If you feel you do not have the power, than your own mind is playing games with you. Change your thoughts, change your reality.

Friends come and go, its a hard part of life. After I left college nearly all of my friends (who I'd gone to school with before going to college with them), people I had known for like 9 years, moved to a different city and decided to stop speaking to me.
I was down, jobless, heartbroken over a girl, and spent my days either reading or watching TV.

Then I got a new job. I made loads of new friends, met my current girlfriend (who despite some major problems between us) is still with me and makes me happy.

You shouldn't be feeling guilty because a couple of people went off the rails when you left. They are all old enough and smart enough to know the difference between doing the right thing and the wrong thing.
Why are you their 'moral compass'? Did you offer to be? No. So its not your fault.

My point is this: if you have no friends, change that. If you don't have any where you work, get a new job. Do more outgoing things. If you present yourself to people as someone who is reluctant to make friends, people will mostly swerve away from you. Be accepting and prepared to make new friends and you'll find yourself fending them off with a pointy stick.

Just stay strong, and keep going. If your like me sometimes you'll just want to sit at home alone and mope. And sometimes you'll want to go out with mates and just have a good time. Don't let your past rule your future.

reply to post by jimmyjackblack


Wow, man. I had the reverse idea from reading your post. I thought you were able to give these people hope. They might be drug addicts now but you showed them they could be more. You showed them they could choose to live a life of morals, love, and respect. You are truly a valuable person, IMO.