The Illness that nearly killed me

Hey people I would just like to share with you an illness i have got and will most probaly have till the day i die and my experiences and the thoughts that come with it.
you will have to excuse the spellings grammer and the things that might not make sense so here goes,
Grew up in a normal working class house in Nottingham,England most prob went through same thing as everyone else family arguments,drunkeness and just everday things that could test everyone but we got bye and nothing bad happened that would make people think i am the way i am today, had a normal life in school until i hit 15, just coming up to my g.c.s.e's was in top class at most things apart from me maths and english which you could most probs tell the further you read but one day our teacher was pulling us out one by one, think he was giving everyone a pep talk making sure we was all on our game,anyway what happened to me changed my life as he was giving me this talk to me on my own i got the most uneasy feeling and started to shake uncontrollaby then another teacher walked in the room and the feeling got worse the more i shaked the more i tried to control it and the worse it got,i just felt like i had to leave the room but i didnt, they must of seen how bad i was but they didnt say or do anything, it wasnt the stress of my exams cuz they didnt really bother me or the fact that they were both staring at me but this was like someone had just switched on something in my body that couldnt be stopped.
all that night i was thinking about this and i still felt in a state of kinda shock, went school next day and when you are at school your always in situations were your put on the spot and i couldnt handle them anymore, i couldnt do anything that was seen in the eyes of many people just the thought of everyone looking at me would put me in what i called to myself the Fear,an uncontrollable state that i knew i could not handle which i later found out was anxiety. i carried on this way until my exams which i wasnt even going to show up for because i couldnt be in a room with that many people but i knew i had to go otherwise it would f**k up my life forever without any exam results, so i got through them shaking the whole 2 weeks they went on, the more and more i thought of what was happening to me the worse it got, i couldnt do anything even go in a shop, catch a bus even sit at a table with me mam or dad and have dinner it was horrible, so i left school didnt do much for a couple of months got my exam results and did pretty well, but life was just starting, the time when youre meant to be most independant felt even more scarier than it would for any other what i thought was a normal kid.
by this time The Fear had got worse and worse it controlled my life and i didnt tell anybody about it for about two years just dealt with it, well i didnt deal with it i avoided the things that put me in awkard situations that would make me worse than i already would when on my own,now i was getting pressured into finding a job which was the worst thing that could of happened to a 17 18 yr old scared out his wits, so i took the easy route in the end but at the start i was going to interviews after a couple of cans of strong cider which i started to realise was the only thing that gave me confidence. So i ended up working with my uncle just labouring which i enjoyed and did give me a bit of confidence but not enough, i then started to go out at night to pubs and clubs but i could never go out without having a beer first to calm me down otherwise i could never go and socialise but even when i got to the pub i couldnt go to the bar, i had to get one of my friends to go for me and the first pint i had i always went to the toilet with it and necked it while nobody was there cuz if i had drank it in the pub my hand would be shaking without me wanting it to and i felt at the time poeple would of looked at me funny.
more and more i worked with my uncle finally got the courage to tell him about what was happening to me, but dont think he quite understood althought he did tell me it was anxiety, so one night at my mates i went on the internet and googled it up and to my astonishment and it really was, i started to read im not alone and it made me feel like i wasnt a weirdo anymore cuz for years i thought i was, and i was reading things that i was going through and how i was with the shakes, and the sweating and the urge to just leave a room without a look back or a goodbye to the people i was talking to. just made me feel better to go to a doctor for help cuz it could be controlled (well thats what i thought) so i got boozed up and decided to go to the doctors and gave it my all and told them everything and to this day i still dont think they understood what it was, so they decided to prescribe me with medication to control the anxiety (cant remeber which 1s they werent beta blockers or anything like that)which i now knew what was affecting me, i started to take these tablets and for couple of days i felt sick to my stomach i was spewing all the time and my body felt like it had just stopped functioning, and it carried on for nearly on 6 months i was taking them and they started to make me depressed and the depression turned more severe and severe i just stopped doing things couldnt even be bothered to get out of bed and when i did i could go days on days without sleep, thats when i started contemplating suicide so one night, and this is hard to type and i am ashamed by it i just slit my wrists i thought f**k this not digging it anymore i cant carry on dragging my self through days and days of clinging on hoping some good will come, was in hospital couple of days and they reffered me to a pshyciatrist who i had to go and see every month and it was a complete waste of time in the end she ended up saying we cant do anything for you, which completely topped the whole lot off for me and since then i have tried two overdoses which in the end my body was too strong too give in too, but now i have have gave up hope of help and have become more dependant on myself cuz nobody in the world can tell me how i am feeling or how i should feel, i just learnt after ten years of this crap i been putting up with how to deal with it, dont think there is any geting better or feeling it i consider myself quite an intelligent person and am sensitive to issues that upset me and think about them alot that could drive people insane but i think i have gone above crazyness and just on that bit where i think deep and know i got a sense of well being in what i got, and i know theres an amazing more percent of people who are happier than me and who have an enourmas sense of well being but i know there are the other half who are happy with what they got and who are even worse off than me, so it keeps me sane. im not a believer in god or any other religions for that matter im a strong atheist who believes or learnt to believe in myself cuz i found out the hard way thats all i could do, im not looking for the a sympathy vote or is this a suicide note im just sharing my thoughts with you lot and hoping that anybody who reads this or has gone through the same thing just remember your not alone and there is help out there for you just share your feelings man a problem shared is a problem halved dont be afraid of what you are or to tell people what you are.
I aint got much more to say just thought i'd get it out there and share it if i could make one person feel happy knowing what they have and there not alone it would make me happy.
if you have read this thankyou for taking yout time out and doing so!
Brett

Hi Brett,
first off, big balls of brass to man up and post this. That alone gets it flagged, starred and a big applause for you from me. Standing ovation.

As for the 'fear'. Dammit man, I really hope that life builds up and hets better and you find a medical professional who will sit down and help you out in a calm dignified way.

I am not saying one way or another about what happend to you, i just hope you sort it out to your satisfaction.

Again, balls of brass for sharing this, and I hope life brings you peace and hope, with a large slab of happiness thrown in.

Daniel.

thanks dan it did take a lot to write it man, i know theres people out there who can help just struggling to find the right ones im not a believer in karma but i know theres something out there looking good my way and seriously my heart beated twice as fast when someone read my post post it was heartfelt and i got a good response thankyou

[edit on 27-8-2008 by brettcal82]

I used to have agoraphobia and that's kind of what you sound like.
I tried to kill myself many times.
I got to be like a hermit.

It saddens me to hear how young you are.
Mine started when I was about 19.
But, I already had depression before that.
I thought it was a cosmic conspiracy against me, because it was so hard and my paranoia got worse.

I became a Christian at home when I was 23 and that was THE END of my agoraphobia.
I told God that I believed in His Son and asked Him to forgive me.
Boom! Everything changed and I knew G-d was with me, no matter what.
I had been recieving SSI (crazy check) and I wrote them and told them I didn't need it anymore.
I really blossomed.
I had gone through MANY psychiatrists and councellors. At one time, I was on 7 different meds a day.
Haldol nearly killed me!

mrs clearskies i do sometimes wonder if my disbelief in god or anyone could be the cause of my problem but most of me thinks in my head that a man who walked on water and and all the other stuff that happened in the bible is all make believe and is wrote to keep the human race in order in one certain goal or whatever else to keep the most the world at peace i dunno what to think, and i do understand about the agrophobia part i went through that for a bit but just had to push myself outside cuz i knew my body would shutdown if i didnt? if ya know what i mean

one thing i have always been in my opinion is a good listener and given good advice because the things i have picked up on since i have been ill is weird in a good way i can listen to people but when they tell me there things that are wrong with them i seem to keep them to myself and carry there bad things for them and it realy tires me out, but i feel as a person it's one thing i gotta do to make me feel better by helping other people out, even though it really mentally tires me out

reply to post by brettcal82


I didn't believe it either.
I thoug G-d was probably a woman, because most men were so selfish and egotistical.
When I heard the gospel (Before that I thought that if I commited suicide, I would go to heaven, because G-d (He or She)knew all and could see that I was trying to be a good person.)
I KNEW some one was 'up there'. So, I asked G-d VERY sincerely, "If you love women as much as you do men, show me". I opened up my Bible
that my Mom had bought me and looked at it.(I had been reading a chapter a night when I first got it, but, it looked to me like women were lower caste than men in it and I quit it and got into palm reading and alestair crowley)
G-d showed me something and it spoke DIRECTLY to ME.
I can't even remember what, now.
That night, I got down on my knees and said those things to G-d and I felt like a newborn (happy) child!
Jesus was there and He hugged me like No man EVER had!
I woke up the next morning and didn't need and drugs or even food.
I've been a Christian for over 15 years!
I've had MANY jobs, but, the best one is being a mother to our 3 children!

I hope you ask G-d sincerely about it and LOOK at what He shows you, because THAT'S where you get your life!

Thanks for posting Brett! That write alone is more help to you and others then we may all give it credit for.

I loved the, "just share your feelings man a problem shared is a problem halved dont be afraid of what you are or to tell people what you are."

Well said!

thanks guys im really taking in what your all telling me i appreciate it all

Have you had a very good and complete physical? Tests for mineral deficiencies etc. Sometimes chemical inbalance can cause problems.

For example my Mom was in an accident and had internal injuries. She could not digest fat. She was put on a fat free diet and actually had the fatty sheathes around the nerves disintegrate. Made her very anxious and sensitive.

Often if you are depressed you do not eat right. Make sure you are eating correctly, and you might try yoga or meditation exercises to get control of your physical reactions as much as possible. Try cutting out caffiene and sugar for about a week and see if there is any change.

Good luck

crimvelvet thanks but i tried it all im on a good diet i tried cd's mediation yoga the lot had no major operations its just something i think i put my own mindset too ten years of this i tried everything i can its just a way of life to me now

It took great courage for you to post your experience & I am grateful to you for doing it.

I have suffered from social anxiety for quite a while & although it doesn't stop me from socialising, it does stop me in certain situations.
I for example strongly dislike standing in supermarket queues for any extend period, if it's too long I start shaking.

What I find is that breathing plays a big part in how your body responds, for example I am a shallow breather which in times of anxiety is a bad thing.
I find just taking some slow but deep breath's & to concentrate on my breathing makes me relax almost instantly.

It is good that you still have confidence in yourself even though your life has been rough these last 10 years & that you know you there's "something out there looking good" for you.

If you ever want to talk I can u2u my msn messenger address if you like?

Anxiety can stem from low self esteem or in some instances a shock which may occur when you are quite young but may not manifest until you are a lot older. Often it stems from feeling alienated and alone. I found in my case there were a combination of reasons : Excessive dieting - no confidence - expectations on myself that were just too high - and even though my life never spiralled completely out of control it certainly did take it's toll on me. It's important to take little steps to try and overcome those situations that bring on the anxiety attacks take up hobbies in areas you excel/enjoy or spend more time around people that make you feel good about yourself - not people that constantly put you down. A lot of people that suffer from anxiety in my opinion are very sensitive / feeling type personalities that can easily be affected by the more arrogant / egotistical individuals - you sound like a really nice person - learn to trust yourself - and then you will come to realise you have the power to turn your negative feelings into more positive ones. Even something simple like helping others or making someone else feel better can be enough to help you turn that corner of despair . I gave you a star for having the courage to speak out - and it's important that you realise you are not alone alot of people suffer from anxiety - just in varying degrees - another really good tip to rebuilding self esteem is focusing on events in your life that made you feel good - or events where you influenced others people's lives in a really positive way.

reply to post by brettcal82



Hi Brett...What clearskies said is gospel. I mean I think we all try to figure it out on our own, and that is where most of us make the mistake. Of course drugs be they legal or illegal are also a dead end street. It may make things bearable, but the end result-->dependancy, death, are all too common.

God really does exist. I have been blessed beyond belief because HE actually sent Angels to deliver me when I was having many prolems as a young boy. It wasn't just me that witnessed this awesome intervention, my mother was a witness and the one by whose prayer God heard and answered.

No I'm not going to say that accepting Jesus will solve all your prolems, but like you said, just having a loving God to listen to and 'halve" all of your prolems is a HUGE help.

I hope you see the light of God and his love He has for you. After all, that kind of help doesn't cost a dime.

See this LINK for some guidance. And may you find the answer to this life as I have.

Hi Bret, I’d like to reiterate what Dan said earlier; it’s a very brave move that you have made posting your condition on the site. I take my hat off to you my friend.
I have not posted on this board since the mini earthquake the UK suffered back what was it? 6 months ago? But I felt compelled; I had to reply to this.
Anxiety can be a real problem, I have suffered its symptoms for years now, and unfortunately there is no quick fix for this problem though it can be made easier being able to talk to someone that will listen.

I felt really angry by the lack of medical help you have received, mainly by a terrible doctor from the sounds of it. Also the medication they put you on was either completely wrong for you or it was taken incorrectly. I have been on similar medication in the past, some of it helps and some of it doesn’t. There are definite side effects with most medication that is prescribed, some of it can help you get through a difficult period but it does need to be monitored regularly by your GP.

Ultimately I don’t believe medication is an answer to problems of this nature but I do believe it can make life more bearable and at least give you a time to get your mind in order. What I believe you really need is to be able to talk to someone. You made a really brave move talking to your uncle but it sounded like he wasn’t on your level or didn’t understand.

My anxiety started when I was in school, I was in my 3rd year when my problems began, I wouldn’t open up to my parents I kept things buried deep inside. I basically went through my teens this way. It got to the point where I stopped caring, I walked in front of a lorry until my friend screamed at me and asked me what I was doing..

It got to the point where I was beginning to think I was going mad. I mean literally. I used to worry that people would realise this. What worked for me was when I was 19 I took on a Graphic Design course for a year but in doing so I observed people that were not quite all there. I found they were not even aware of their surroundings or didn’t appear to be; they seemed quite content at least. This really made me think and put things in correct perspective. Being around the different people helped me a lot.

I found a close circle of friends (I mean 2) I had a good long talk with my friend, it took the entire night but I managed to get everything out, at the end of it I felt a relief that I had not felt before. Granted my problems didn’t disappear overnight but someone listening made me breath a sigh of relief.

So don’t think you are alone, your not. There’s plenty of people with this condition but please don’t give up. I know its hard just have some faith in yourself.

I found keeping a diary helped me, I wrote things down and read them back, I did this for years, in itself this can help you understand why you are feeling the way you are. Helps you build a picture I believe.

Take good care of yourself Bret

Morg9000
The Airedale Terrier

Thanks guys im not giving just more learned to live with it i do feel better by writing what i did, i do feel like im not getting proper treatment i moved doctors because they were rubbish and ended up with one who wasnt even prepared to give me any sort of medication which i find terrible, so had to move again they gave me tablets which again put me in hospital and the doctor at hospital put me on sleeping anti depressents which i find do work better but leave me feeling tired all day eveyday just feel like im at a dead end with them i been on citalapram,mirtazine and prozac all made me feel ill