Parents Not Parenting, Are You Guilty??

A disturbing trend has been growing since the 60's, and as one who was born in the 60's I can look back and see the developments and the implications. The "Do it if it feels good" generation, those of us born in the 60's and 70's along with the "Me Generation" of people who were born in the 80's and 90's are now raising this nation's children and the human beings they are turning out are more flawed, fragile, weak, and have the largest sense of self-entitlement then any generation before them.

Whole school districts now have thrown out the "red pens" that used to correct grammar, spelling, punctuation and facts. There is now such a thing as the "let them learn spelling the words various ways to let their creativity flow" rhetoric I have experienced in my own family. My niece who is 8 years old, doesn't have to learn how to spell words correctly anymore. Her teacher explained it to my sister-in-law this way, "We're so glad they even want to write that we are choosing to let spelling errors slide so it doesn't get in the way with their love of writing."

There was even a thread on ATS not too long ago about some talk in one school district of "shortening long words" like "banana and asparagus" due to the children "not being able to spell them. What hogwash!

I was completely floored and disgusted when I was told this, matter-of-factly by my sister-in-law, who herself has a master's degree in education and who agrees with this new teaching method and isn't concerned about the long term ramifications.

Kids who are involved with sports are now being taught that everyone on the team is equal and scores are not being kept because "there are no winners or losers." Parents are getting thrown out and banned from practices for fighting over the games that are being scored, screaming and ranting and even having fist fights with referees and coaches.

Employers are complaining that the new hires fresh out of college or highschool show up in dirty, torn or rumpled clothing for job interviews, with no resume prepared, no coherent thought process even given to the actual interview. They slouch, only seem to care about the hours and the pay, and ask how many sick days the job comes with.

Parents are throwing kindergarten graduation parties complete with cap and gown. Birthday parties have to invite the entire class and sometimes the entire grade, complete with rented activities, 40 parents in attendence and present opening ceremonies that last longer then the child's attention span.

Parents are spending hours "helping" kids with their homework. Why? I ask when a parent online tells me they have to go help their kids with their homework. "Why do you have to?" I ask, seriously puzzled. ( I only asked for help when I hit algebra, and that was just because I knew I'd be grounded if I got a C or less.) The answer is usually, "Well if I don't at least sit there with them, they won't do it, or they will just get up and go do something else." Absolutely ridiculous.

I attended my niece's ballet recital of the Nutcracker this past Christmas and keep in mind she is 8 years old. I expected a school gymnasium with a few handmade "sets" made by the kids and perhaps a stereo playing the music. Wrong.

The ballet teacher had rented out a real theater, complete with grown-up sets, stages that moved and changed scenes, a "sound person" manning the audio booth, and 5 costume changes for the 3 hour long affair. For 8 year olds! Afterwards, beaming parents with $50 to $100 bouquets of flowers were hovering, congratulating these kids who were so tired from the ordeal, and the many hours of practicing they were droopy eyed and yawning and some were cranky enough to be having temper tantrums.

When does it end, and how are these kids ever going to grow up? Let alone grow up and raise mature, hard-working, ambitious and well-rounded adults when they themselves can barely make it to a job interview with proper attire, prepared and versed in what's expected of them for an hour long interview, let alone in a 40 year spanning career?

If all the parents out there don't take a long hard look in the mirror and grow a backbone and become a parent to their kids instead of trying to be their "buddy" or "best gf" and start giving these children the discipline and skills they need to live happy, healthy and productive lives, then we run the risk of countless generations after THIS one, ending up in the same or an even worse position.

If you are raising your kids like this, and you know who you are if you can raise your hand to any or all or some of the examples I have put in this thread, then I ask you why? I am sure this sprang from an honestly sincere belief that you wanted your children to have self esteem and grow up knowing only fun and happiness during their childhood. But IMO you might as well have beaten them or treated them badly or neglected them, because the results of what you are doing are just as damaging, if not worse, and the rest of the country will pay for these mistakes as well as your kids, who you claim to love, who will pay the highest price of all.

A Nation of Wimps:
Parents are going to ludicrous lengths to take the bumps out of life for their children. However, parental hyperconcern has the net effect of making kids more fragile; that may be why they're breaking down in record numbers.

By: Hara Estroff Marano

psychologytoday.com...

Entitlement links:

THE HIGHS AND LOWS OF ENTITLEMENT
By Jim Fay

“So, Sara, what’s happening in your life that brings you into counseling with me?”

“It’s my parents. They’re clueless! They are so lame! All they can do is bitch and moan about my credit cards and phone bills. They are so living in the past. They don’t get it. There’s lots more important things than grades. And they don’t have a clue about what kids need. My dad bought me this stupid four-door car. He knows I was supposed to get a convertible. Nobody drives a heap like that to school.”

“When your dad called to set up these sessions, he tells me that money is really tight and that if things don’t change, he will have to consider bankruptcy. Given the situation, do you feel any guilt about the amount of money you spend?”

“Of course not! I didn’t ask to be born into this stupid family. Besides, that’s what parents are supposed to do. They’re supposed to buy great stuff for their kids.”

www.expertclick.com...

Children, Entitlement and God


"I have seen my peers dedicate themselves to never raising a child that way. “I will never force my child into religion the way my parents did,” became a mantra. “I will wait until they are old enough and let them choose for themselves.” Those choices, along with the “feel good” experiments of the seventies, have been a dismal failure. The result is an ever increasing growth of what I call “entitlement fixated” people. It is so pervasive that, had I the power, I would make it a new personality disorder designation.

When children are raised to never know failure, they can’t savior the delicacy of success nor can they appreciate the hunger that second place instills. If they don’t learn that we must, at times, do things we abhor for a greater good, they don’t learn self-discipline. If we don’t instill empathy early on, they don’t ever know the complete joy in giving.

www.crisiscounseling.com...

Are We Raising a Generation of Pampered Brats?
Children Today??

www.associatedcontent.com...

Are Gen-X Parents Raising Spoiled Brats?

Kathryn J. Alexander's "The War on No: Is 'child-centered' parenting producing a generation of brats?" says that the emphasis in recent years on making children feel secure has had an unfortunate consequence: kids who have never heard the word "no," and so who are unprepared for the real, "no"-filled world.

The message we are sending out to our children is loud and clear; "they should expect anything they want to be handed to them or bankrolled by their parents". Are parents today pushovers? The answer seems to be a very firm YES.

news.aol.com...




[edit on 15-7-2008 by LateApexer313]

[edit on 15-7-2008 by LateApexer313]

[edit on 15-7-2008 by LateApexer313]

I agree with everything you said and I get nervous when I think what these children will grow up to be like. Starred and flagged.

But because I don't have children, I feel I am not qualified to contribute an educated discussion to this thread, so I won't go any further, but I did want to at least show my support for the points you made.

Alora,

Thanks for contributing...but I beg to differ when you say you have nothing to contribute Lots of people nowadays are not having kids by choice, by design, and that doesn't mean they don't get a say.

How many times have you been to a restaurant and a whole family has interrupted your meal with misbehaving kids. Kids that run and scream and won't stay seated, parents yacking on and on and oblivious to the ruckus their kids are causing because they are too spineless to correct them in public?

I am willing to guess you have had this experience at least once if not THOUSANDS of times.

awesome post, i agree wholeheartedly. You also just explained in detail a major reason why I am against having children. To think that other parents would look at you as some kind of monster for insisting your children spell their words correctly, keep score, and realize the world is NOT revolving around them.

To all the parents out there: all the more reason for home-schooling!

Please take it from me, I am a victim of public education, and had the thirst for knowledge thoroughly beaten out of me by the time I was in middle school. I can only thank my mom for forcing me to memorize all the countries in europe before I could even ask for a new toy, and making me practice piano for 30 minutes before going out to play when I was younger - and the fact that all throughout middle and high school, I was interested in subjects that could not be tampered with and watered down by school curriculum (atheism, anarchism, programming, conspiracy theories, etc.) as they had done with science, math and just about anything else I had an interest in up to that point.

The other kids I feel sorry for, are the ones with the parents that either care WAY too much, or not at all - for example, the kids that are just repeatedly treated as obstacles or nuisances. Parents telling their kids to shut up, be quiet, sit still, etc. Basically, telling them not to be a kid - awesome!

This is cool. I'm just jumping from one parenting thread to another! Here's my experience:

A couple years ago my son was struggling in school. He was struggling in school because he refused to do any homework or apply himself in ANY way. I had sat there with him for 2 hours to get him to do homework before and you know the whole "Lead a horse to water" adage?
Anyway, I specifically asked the school to hold him back a grade so that he would know what consequences looked like and even though he was failing, they refused to do it.

I also have a 15 month old son. The other day he was throwing a ball. When he throws, it hits directly at his feet. Every time he did this, my husband said "Good job Buddy", I told my husband that while it was good to be encouraging, did we really want to lie to the kid? He responded that it was babies first lesson in sarcasm.

I love my husband.

yeah....it is sickening. right here in my neighborhood, there is a little boy across the street, no more than 7...just runs around or rides a bike, sprays cars that go by with a hose, i rarely see the parents outside. then my other neighbor, same thing. they are into going to church and the whole bit, i thought they would raise their children better than this, but its not so. i have 3 kids. 7, 4 and a 1 month old....alot of people say that im too hard on them, its nothing more than tough love. i want to teach my kids to be BETTER than myself. i encourage them and always show them i love them, and no matter how much i get them in trouble they always respect me, and love me.....and of course their mother as well. people dont understand that your kids will love and respect you more no matter how much you correct them. and in turn they learn to love and respect others. i agree schools seem to be slacking. my daughters teacher said she was having trouble learning math....so dad here said non sense. i sat down with her and showed her in 10 minutes what the teacher couldnt show her in a year....what up with that? to answer your question though.............................................................am i a part of society that lets my kids run rampant...hell no im not.

reply to post by scientist


Awesome post to my thread Scientist!! I applaud you and hope the mods will as well!

You are not alone! I used to think my parents were "strict" and "cruel" for as you say, "Making me practice piano for 30 minutes" and making me apologize to school chums I wronged and for basically, BEING PARENTS! How dare they??

Darn it all too I had to earn my money from cutting the grass! MONSTERS!

It's time that the people out there who weren't smart enough to realize they shouldn't be parents, aren't good parents now, and probably will never be good parents admit their flaws and try to heal their own kids.

reply to post by Arbydol


Arbydoll!

You nailed it on the head, right there....failing at something is NOT evil, bad, and damaging to one's self-esteem, contrary to popular flawed belief, if we didn't fail once in awhile how could we strive to be better?

Everyone is NOT the same, everyone is NOT equal, ask the NBA or NFL guys that. There will always be winners and losers...it's not how you play the game, and pretend that everyone's equal, it's how you deal with the loss of your team, and at making yourself better.

reply to post by LateApexer313


I too agree with you. I work on the phone with technical support and I speak to alot of people. When did HUH mean pardon me.

Grrrrr

Hey! Be careful, this type of honesty could offend someone's fragile ego and retard the creative flow of their imagination. And it just might make them think, and we can't have that, now, can we?

I am actually glad to see what has happened over time. I, too, was born in the '60s ('61 to be exact) and have watched this progress. It began, in my observation, with the hippie movement, wherein the spoiled brats were thoroughly convinced they knew better than their parents. They believed in absolute freedom (translation: anarchy) with no consequences for action or inaction. Everything was supposed to be free and shared equally with everyone else. Established religion and morality was not only questioned, but rather quickly discarded as being too constrictive to freedom of thought. Capitalism was seen as bondage, and Communism was embraced as the ultimate societal model.

Over the years, Communism on a national scale has failed every time it was tried, yet the intense hatred of Capitalism still exists. I believe this has led the once-hippies to a position of anger and confusion: anger at the failures of their ideals, and confusion over why this happened. Never once did they seem to give a moment's thought to the possibility that they could have been wrong.

The 'me' generation came along with everything they could ever want. Science became their religion, filling that void, and it provided all the luxuries and comforts their hearts could desire. Their parents, those same ex-hippies, were loath to use the tried and true parenting principles that had reared them, opting instead for a lack of discipline and bribery: be good and Daddy will get you a new sports car.

Now we are reaching the apex of this sad social experiment. The instigators are now in political office and executive corporate positions, supporting the capitalist system they have always hated. I think there is a subconscious effort on their part to destroy that which provides for them, in a last-ditch effort to make their lifelong dream of a utopian society reality. But the fruits of their labors, their 'me' generation children, are now older and part of society as well. And they have different values: too much is not enough, others are taking what should be mine, why should I work to get the things I want. And between the two groups, our society is beginning its final collapse.

Why am I glad about this? Because, although things will be very tough for a while, reality will win out. My children have been raised the old-fashioned way, with trials and tribulations and sacrifices that have made them tough and strong. I have encouraged their education since conception, yet I have resisted the temptation to learn for them. Instead, I allow them to learn from me.

Soon, very soon, there will be no more technological advances to ease the lives of this generation of spoiled weaklings. There will be no more medical advances to prolong their lives, no more fantastic accessories to entertain them. There will be no one around who has the knowledge or the ability to conceive, design, and produce them. No one, that is, save for my children and the precious few who were raised as they were.

I never wanted to rule the world. I never thought I would be any good at it. Maybe they will be better at it than I think I would be, because they will be wolves among sheep, giants among midgets, the cream of the crop. I hope they do a good job of ruling what we leave them, because they will be the only ones who can.

Everyone else will be too busy learning the lessons in reality that they already know.

TheRedneck

P.S.: I say the above not as a boast, but as a warning. May it not be too late to save what our fathers built for our children. S&F.

Just a thought here...

I find it hilarious that out of the posts so far, I only have one parent coming forward to post their experiences, yay or nay....

I challenge all the parents out there who know they are guilty and who want to change, to explain why they engage in this style of parenting. I find this fascinating and thank you

reply to post by TheRedneck


Hiyah Redneck,

Thank you so much for your informative and well thought-out post, I was born in '64 so I can certainly relate!

I am curious and want you to share, if you would of course, how exactly you raised your children to be the free thinking, self-sufficient adult you are...and how you kept the ridiculous trend that has been advancing since the 60's, at bay, while still educating your children to deal with the world as a whole and not hinder them physically, emotionally and mentally?

I am sure many parents out there need a map drawn, with flow charts jutting out from it, to even grasp this way of child-rearing!

Thank you. Here is my truth:
I failed every math and typing class I ever took in school and have been doing nothing but accounting and data entry ever since.
Perhaps there is some redemption in this irony but does it really benefit society as a whole?
If we are told "This is not not your strength, however, you are incredible at ..."
wouldn't that benefit the "whole" of society more than the "If you can scrape by and it will make you the All-Mighty Dollar" attitude?...I think that we would be a better, happier society if we were steered toward our strengths, even if that meant we were made aware of our weaknesses.

reply to post by Rhain


Rhain you crack me up

That's another topic that slides in well is it not? The complete dummying down and rudeness of this nations young people. Not that old people aren't rude...but young people to toddlers used to have manners.

My deepest sympathies for working a help/info line!! Any of us who have paid our dues in that field or waiting tables or anything with the public, knows my thread is revoltingly true

I have a feeling if I stick around this thread for a while, someone will inevitably bring up "loud" and/or "rap music."

Remember field day? Remember the ribbons?

Well not anymore. There are no ribbons. No winners and losers.

I want to my daughter to learn she is awarded when she achieves, not
treated the same as the one who does nothing.

My daughter is a straight A student. She is bored in school. I asked the school to move her up, or put her in a tougher class. No can do. Her new school where we live now , she did in second grade what she did in first grade in her last school.

The educational system is horrid.

In my neighborhood , the kids are let out in the morning and on their own until late in the evening. Then you see the parents out drinking beer at 11:30 with their three year old running in the road. I see these same kids walking to the store by THEMSELF. My neighbor and I try to keep an eye on these kids outside because their parents sure are not doing it.

My husband gets mad at these parents and can not believe how they just do not seem to care.

I will continue to teach my child to be responsible for her actions. I will teach her what I feel the educational system is failing to do. She never gets homework, so I give her homework. She gets an allowance, but is also told that what she does at home is expected, as her being part of the family, and if we can no longer afford to give it to her, she will still have the same expectation. She is told if she wants to put in extra effort, in other chores, she then will get extra cash.

I see a lot of kids growing up with no hope. They feel entitle to anything they want.

Ex: I had a neighbor kid ask to borrow the computer. I told him ok. He then , without asking brings another girl in the house. I did not say it was ok, she walks in my home and Orders me, not asks me, to put my dogs outside because she is scared of them. I told her this is my home, I do not know who she is, and ask her to leave. On the way out she smears mud all over my floor on purpose. Real nice.

The next day there are five kids at my door wanting to use the computer. I told them all no. That is over. Not only that, the original kid ended up getting a virus on my computer I had to clean.

Any way, kids think they are entitled to whatever they want from total strangers. It is scary.

This a topic near and dear to my heart. I was a single parent and simply couldn't afford the designer clothes and fancy electronic toys. If my daughter wanted them she had to earn the money herself. You know she did. When she was 12 she started picking strawberries just as I did and earned her PlayStation; because she earned it she took good care of it and still has it now at age 20.

We as parents and as a society are doing children no favors by handing them everything they want on a plate. They should learn early that there is no such a thing as a free lunch; everything has a price. In games as in life there are winners and losers the schools are fooling themselves the kids know darn good and well who won and who lost the game.

When my daughter wanted a horse I could only afford a 25 year old mare and a abused 16 month old horse. I couldn't afford the fancy tack so she helped earn the money both for the tack and the upkeep of the horses. She learned how to train the baby horse and now he's a great horse. She nows trains horses for other people.

I did what I could afford to do and when she wanted something I couldn't afford I was very upfront. She understood and helped earn those things that were important to her by pulling weeds, mowing grass and picking berries or babysitting. I'm proud of the self-reliance young lady she has become; one who knows the value of an honest day's work.

I've worked in Corrections for over 18 years and I can tell you from experience that many of the inmates especially the young ones have no idea how to work. It's a sad state of affairs.

To those parents out there who insist that their kids learn to be responsible and hard-working kudos. It's not the popular way to be but stick to your guns it will pay off in the end.

reply to post by LateApexer313

Whoa, that will take a bit of thought... I'll see what I can do.

reply to post by scientist

I have a feeling if I stick around this thread for a while, someone will inevitably bring up "loud" and/or "rap music."

Far be it from me to make you feel unappreciated.

I informed my children that loud rap music is the work of the devil and will rot the synapses in their brain... then we all had a good laugh and listened to some Lynyrd Skynyrd at a decibel level that would make a jet airplane jealous.

Sorry, couldn't resist.

TheRedneck