Why is this true? Why are people like this?

I've already complained enough to all of you kind people about my girlfriend who recently broke up with me, and yes, it's what inspired this thread. But this thread is not about the breakup, it's about a very unfortunate truth. If you give a person too much...if you let them know how much they truly mean to you, they will ultimately reject you. Now, I'm not sure if women feel that men are the same way, but in my experience, this is a very unfortunately truth with women. It happened to me, and the more I speak to people, the more I see this is a very common thing. The men who are in successful relationships that I've spoken with (including my own father) have all told me the same thing. They would love to give their girlfriend or wife everything they want all the time, but they know that they can't. You give a girl everything she wants, and it simply drives her away. You let a girl know that she means the world to you, and it "smothers" her. I find this absolutely horrible. Why must this be? Are people predetermined to make themselves miserable and be with a partner who will always hold back, and never show the full extend of their love? Is it the typical philosophical predicament that people are never really content, but always looking to that "next step." Maybe when they finally find that perfect guy, it feels as if they've completed what they were looking for, and they need to move onto the next journey? What is it? Why can't we show just how much we really mean to one another? Why is human nature so terrible?

It's so God damn frustrating! :bnghd:

People. We are so strange. I can't pretend to know your girlfriend, or what or why she is this way...but I can tell you from my personal relationship experiences what I think.

I was once in this relationship, where I was engaged. I wasn't engaged because I wanted to be though, I was engaged because he asked. I started to lose interest. It felt like I had nothing left to work for, since we had only been together 6 months when he popped the question. I was also at an age where marriage was the last thing on my mind, and the thought of being tied to this person, seriously bothered me. We talked about it, and ended up breaking up.

Have you ever had a one night stand? One Night stands, are One Night stands, because they don't work for relationships. (In my experience anyway. You go to the bar, get loaded, and go home with some random who will entertain you for the evening. You don't care about the family pictures lining the hallway, anymore than you care about what he thinks of you, other than your obviously hot enough for each other, because suddenly the clothes are off. You wake up in the morning and dream up some excuse to avoid having breakfast with this gorgeous guy sitting beside you, because you don't want to know anything more about him. You don't want to know him, because suddenly, he becomes a possibility. And you didn't go out the night before looking for a Groom. You went out looking for some Booty. And you accomplished it. Game over. You got what you were looking for. Time to move on. This is why waiting to have sex with someone your interested in, seems to be important. If your giving it up like candy, your not interested in conversation. Your interested in sex. If your waiting around before you peel off your clothes, your showing you have respect for the person. You have respect for yourself. Your showing that you want this relationship to go somewhere, other than the bedroom.

I was in another relationship, where I fell hard for this one guy. I wanted to be with him every day. I wanted to see him every day. But, I didn't want to appear needy, or obsessive. So, I let him call me. Because if I called him, it would be the 6th phone call of the day. As IF he needs another voicemail telling him I've been thinking about him all day. He got the picture with the first one. After 3 months of dating, he told me he loved me. I didn't LOVE him, but I liked him a LOT. And all of a sudden it felt like there was this pressure to fall in love with him. Like all of a sudden, things went form Fun and happy to serious. When things get serious too quickly it scares people. I got scared, and we ended up breaking up.

There is no such thing as Too much Love. But there is such a thing as too much love too fast. Maybe she was't ready for you? But there will be someone who is ready for you, at the right time. There will be someone looking for all the same things you are, at the percise time, and you will fit together so perfectly, that everything will fall into place at the correct time.

I personally think, its all about timing.

I really do appreciate your reply, CA, and I definitely think that you're correct in much of what you said, but I would rather not make this the 3rd thread I've created about my ex girlfriend. One was probably enough haha.

Moreso, I want input on what everybody thinks about human nature, and why most of the time, people can't show their true feelings or it will scare the other person away.

I was in another relationship, where I fell hard for this one guy. I wanted to be with him every day. I wanted to see him every day. But, I didn't want to appear needy, or obsessive. So, I let him call me. Because if I called him, it would be the 6th phone call of the day. As IF he needs another voicemail telling him I've been thinking about him all day. He got the picture with the first one. After 3 months of dating, he told me he loved me. I didn't LOVE him, but I liked him a LOT. And all of a sudden it felt like there was this pressure to fall in love with him. Like all of a sudden, things went form Fun and happy to serious. When things get serious too quickly it scares people. I got scared, and we ended up breaking up.

That definitely makes a lot of sense, and it was actually something I myself was very cautious to avoid. It's strange, though, how you could be so fascinated with this guy (Calling him 5 or 6 times to tell him you're thinking about him,) and yet you couldn't fall in love with him. Maybe infatuation is a lot more powerful than people give it credit for, even if it is self destructive in the end.

I always thought of it like raising a child.

Sure, you love your child unconditionally, but it's probably not always a good idea to give them everything they want or they will never learn to value things and the hard work it takes to earn them. It would be better to make them earn some things by getting good grades in school or something.

I guess it's kinda like tough love.

It's like cat-string theory. if you dangle a piece of yarn in the air, a cat will go wild jumping and running around trying to catch the yarn. but once you drop that piece of yarn on the floor, the cat automatically becomes bored with the yarn and doesn't even wanna play with it anymore because it knows it can have it.

unfortunately what u say is true, humans like to think of relationships as going through levels, which is why there is always that phrase. the next level, the next step, the next stage. which is why marriage is such a bore and it all goes downhill from there. so what is love? IDK something thats supposed to make u want to wake up the next morning. of course the dark side of the argument could be that she, ur ex, felt good about herself too much and thought she could do better, no offense mate.

I really like the cat string analogy, thehumbleone...so fitting!

And you're right, Dune. I guess when when some people finally get to that "final stage," it's on to the next challenge. It's pretty unfortunate for people like me who don't feel that love is a game.

ya its weird that we have to play these experiments with the people we really trust/love. actually people would usually trust their friends more than their partners, its strange behavior. plus do people crave drama in relationships and relationships that go smoothly usually end up bad because they are boring less adventurous. to be honest i think pple like a bit of tug of war thing.

Yes Herman, I think many of us women have had the same problem with men. I know I have. Have you ever been to a bachelor party or at least heard about them? The way many men tease their friends when they get married. They talk about how the guy is losing their freedom, aquiring the ol' ball and chain or being tied down. Many men have commitment issues because they don't want to lose their freedom.

And I think that is one major reason why women as well have these problems. A lot of people think that if they completly attatch themselves to someone else they are losing their own unique identity. I think this comes from the fact that people in general tend to treat their significant others like property. "You belong to me, so you can't talk to other guys/girls." Many people unknowingly treat their partners like property and it is a bit scary.

Another reason I think is a bit more carnal. We have the old hunter mentality. We like to hunt and it's no fun if the animal comes right to our feet and lays down dead. So I do think it is important to keep on your toes and keep your lover (whether male or female) on their toes. I don't mean that it's ok to be mean to her or cheat or anything like that. But you know, turn them down for "love" every once in awhile, go ahead and go out with the guys every once in a while. The little stuff you know.

Originally posted by Herman
It's strange, though, how you could be so fascinated with this guy (Calling him 5 or 6 times to tell him you're thinking about him,) and yet you couldn't fall in love with him. Maybe infatuation is a lot more powerful than people give it credit for, even if it is self destructive in the end.

The best I can figure, (analyzing myself is always so hard lol), I lost interest because the challenge was gone. One day I was wanting him to tell me that he thinking about me as much as I was thinking about him, and instead, I got the "L" word. I wasn't ready for the L word. I could have loved him, but the timing wasn't right, IMO.

Infatuation IS a lot more powerful that people think it is. AND, it can be self-destructive in the end.

I agree with Snowflake, on people being scared of Marriage because they view it as a death sentence. The common misconception is that once you get married, you lose yourself.

And especially her statements on Hunting. What fun would it be if what you were going after, came and stood right in front of you, because it knew thats what you wanted?

I think me and Herman are idealists. because things arent the way we think it should be or thought it was. i was born into this world thinking that bad guys always pay, nice people finish first, all UN aid works are saints, happiness loves company, feminism will save women, God cares about us,... and the list goes on.

[edit on 29/5/2008 by Omega85]

Originally posted by DuneKnight
I think me and Herman are idealists. because things arent the way we think it should be or thought it was. i was born into this world thinking that bad guys always pay, nice people finish first, all UN aid works are saints, happiness loves company, feminism will save women, God cares about us,... and the list goes on.

I wouldn't call myself an idealist, because I don't really expect things to work out the way they should, I just wish they would. I think it would be more appropriate to call these people who need to be strung along idealists, because they seem to want everything. They want that perfect partner, but they also don't want to settle down. Essentially, they want to have their cake and eat it too.

originally posted by snowflake_obsidian
Yes Herman, I think many of us women have had the same problem with men. I know I have. Have you ever been to a bachelor party or at least heard about them? The way many men tease their friends when they get married. They talk about how the guy is losing their freedom, aquiring the ol' ball and chain or being tied down. Many men have commitment issues because they don't want to lose their freedom.

Yeah, I've known a few people who have been married, and I feel that whole "ball and chain" mentality is so wrong. It's strange. I'm so indecisive in much of what I do. I'm extremely careful about making decisions that most people would make on the fly. But when it comes to something as important as a lifelong relationship, once I make that decision, I stick with it. It seems like I've got it backwards. I see guys that refer to getting married like it's going to prison, and I think "Why on earth are you gettning married if it's going to make you feel like that?"

And I think that is one major reason why women as well have these problems. A lot of people think that if they completly attatch themselves to someone else they are losing their own unique identity. I think this comes from the fact that people in general tend to treat their significant others like property. "You belong to me, so you can't talk to other guys/girls." Many people unknowingly treat their partners like property and it is a bit scary.

Yeah, that's definitely true. Part of being in a long term relationship with someone you fully trust,though , is being able to know that you can depend on that person. But just because you allow yourself to depend on somebody doesn't necessarily make you dependent on them. I wish more people realized this. Maybe I should use the world "rely" instead of the word "depend."

Another reason I think is a bit more carnal. We have the old hunter mentality. We like to hunt and it's no fun if the animal comes right to our feet and lays down dead. So I do think it is important to keep on your toes and keep your lover (whether male or female) on their toes. I don't mean that it's ok to be mean to her or cheat or anything like that. But you know, turn them down for "love" every once in awhile, go ahead and go out with the guys every once in a while. The little stuff you know.

Yep, just another sad aspect of human nature.

Originally posted by CA_Orot

Originally posted by Herman
It's strange, though, how you could be so fascinated with this guy (Calling him 5 or 6 times to tell him you're thinking about him,) and yet you couldn't fall in love with him. Maybe infatuation is a lot more powerful than people give it credit for, even if it is self destructive in the end.

The best I can figure, (analyzing myself is always so hard lol), I lost interest because the challenge was gone. One day I was wanting him to tell me that he thinking about me as much as I was thinking about him, and instead, I got the "L" word. I wasn't ready for the L word. I could have loved him, but the timing wasn't right, IMO.

Well, I know I'm not saying anything new when I say that to different people, love means something different. To some, it's on par with saying "I really really like you." To others, it means the world. In my particular case, my girlfriend was the first to say that she loved me, and it took her a while because she wanted to be completely sure. Then as soon as I ascend to that point in the relationship, it's game over.

Maybe it really is just the "challenge" aspect. Pretty sad as far as I'm concerned, but what do you do?

I think that a big solution to this problem would be for us to actually accept our partners the way they are, not try to change them and not treat them like we own them. I am sorry to say this but if you find that your partner is a cheater you can't put ultimatums and expect them to change. You need to either accept the situation or get out of the relationship yourself. We need to give our partners space and allow them to be themselves. That way people will not feel they are losing their freedom when they get married, they will feel that they are sharing their freedom with someone they love.

Originally posted by snowflake_obsidian
I think that a big solution to this problem would be for us to actually accept our partners the way they are, not try to change them and not treat them like we own them. I am sorry to say this but if you find that your partner is a cheater you can't put ultimatums and expect them to change. You need to either accept the situation or get out of the relationship yourself. We need to give our partners space and allow them to be themselves. That way people will not feel they are losing their freedom when they get married, they will feel that they are sharing their freedom with someone they love.

You're definitely right in this, and it's surely a part of what I recently experienced. I would never get into a relationship expecting to change somebody, but apparently some would... It's sad and tragic, the messes we lead ourselves into sometimes.