----I say what I got to say then I am gone----

I am sorry I bothered all you people up all night couldnt sleep analyzing. This will be my last post and then I will retire my cyber identity. I just had a moment of weakness and tried to reach out for help. I should have known that the leeper thypoid mary thing was a million times worse than High School. I didnt even realize condesencion after some of my posts till I read them a few times. My life as a character from 3rd Rock from the sun. I believed in democracy and rights and maybe I could be like a Dr. Martin Luther King for [snip] up white goth kids who snap and go on killing sprees. The time is right, the place is right , we are right, we must go free now , now is the time. Thought maybe formlessness1999 was a setup and saw on news last week some kid wanted to blow up his school with [snip] he bought off of ebay. On the news caption it said "he wanted to kill jesus" is jesus alive or killable? In my letter rant that I assumed I got a judgement for I said "Sorry if it looks like I am crucifying myself" tried to destroy self image their and elevate her, and I was a guy and a virgin. Why you ask, well a society that laughs at weakness, a class system based on physical perfection and social status and when they finally got around to noticing I was still here I was "[snip] You All". I didnt even know she had a boyfreind or it was a joke, Ha Ha Ha a bet. It wasnt supposed to be a "prophecy" other people fufilled for me. So my freedom of speech apologizing to a pretty girl I felt I owed ruins 7 years of my life and potentially gets me murdered. I have been extremely suspicious of rap since 2002 I live in New York and have already tried to come to terms with every time I leave the house being attacked, stabbed, shot or car accident. I thought this might be positive help my case and not my fault for sounding blasfamous. Jesus Christ man, I had 3 internal bleeds inside my brain 13, this happened 17 minor not even a crime but decided megalomania attempt. If all this is real and not my wild imagination they are USING me a figurehead and probably martyr for their cause or just will not listen to reason. Maybe the next leap will finally be the leap back home, possible war against me over. I just didnt want to be erased without giving my statement of events to someone. Anyone hear Jesus of Surburbia of the Black Parade??? Who do you think is getting paid for all that I mean I hear that 30 billion a year spent on music in america. And here I was considering the possibility of armaggetton waged against who they thought I was or what was profitable or a type of expendable slave or prostitution ownership. I must of lost the rest of my marbles for a second, well where am I a conspiracy theorists website called above top secret???

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Mod Edit: Profanity/Circumvention Of Censors – Please Review This Link.


[edit on 8-5-2008 by Gemwolf]

i think im confused....


wheres the conspiracy....

lol jk

i am definitely confused

reply to post by P. O. W.


Do you think many people are 'out to get you'?
Have you been diagnosed with anything since the brain hemorrages?
Because brain trauma can cause many symptoms,such as paranoia or erratic behavior.
Have you been left untreated?

[edit on 8-5-2008 by Clearskies]

Huh?
Uhh Wha??
I mean... I don't know what to say.
I am not sure what you are talking about. I mean no disrespect to you at all but if you are feeling that overwhelmed and paranoid you really need to see a professional. Call your Doctor and he can refer someone. If your life is being threatened call the police.

You are not bothering us though, not that I know of. Maybe you just needed to get some things off your chest. Hope you feel better.

a society that laughs at weakness, a class system based on physical perfection and social status

I know it seems to be very important now..but believe me..it matters less when you're older.

Don't let "society" dictate your thoughts, man.

You're angry and I DO understand that, I read your post and it reminded me so much of being a 17 and pissed off at the world, pissed off at my parents, pissed off at the pretty girls in the "in" crowd who snickered behind my back, pissed at the "establishment" that said I had to go to college or be a loser...

Now, almost twenty years later, I can say with confidence...I do NOT give a damn what society wants or expects from me.

So just hang in a bit longer, and if the anger and the feeling of wanting to explode and "do" something become overwhelming..PLEASE CALL SOMEONE FOR HELP.

whoa, kinda beating a dead horse here after reading the other ATS'rs replies but dude everybody's been there, we've all felt like that at some point, getting help isnt a bad thing, dont be too full of pride to talk to somebody because i know some close friends of mine kind of saved their own life by talking to someone, and maybe i am just confused about the major girth of your post but it almost sounded like you have dilusions of grandeur, and i mean that with absolutely no offense, my (ex) best friend ended up doing way too many drugs his first semster of college, i was rooming with him and had to talk him down so many times because he SWORE he was jesus christ and that if he went to sleep satan was coming to get him, he ended up getting locked up in a mental institution for a little while and was never the same after, getting help probably could have saved his personality before it got too bad, but yeah seriously dont take life too seriously

Some of us have thouroughly enjoyed the time you spent here. You have much to share and were looked at as a valuable part of this team effort to expose the truth and deny ignorance.

Be well where ever you travel and check back in from time to time to let us know what you discover and find along your journey, OK?

***This forum can move so fast at times, we can all get the feelings that you have.***

Thank you for letting us know that you will no longer be posting messages on an internet messageboard

Originally posted by TXRabbit
Thank you for letting us know that you will no longer be posting messages on an internet messageboard

Do you even realize that it's comments like these that can cause people suffering from depression or anything like that to "snap" and "lose it".

Might seem like nothing more than a little sarcastic remark to you, but to people like this it can mean a lot more than that.

You said:

"Thank you for letting us know that you will no longer be posting messages on an internet messageboard"

Here's what that may look like to him:

"Whatever. This is an internet message board where you're nothing and useless, so who cares anyway? We don't know you."

It's obvious, at least to me it is, that after reading what he said, you posted that simply to strike a nerve in him. People wonder why people who seem to be normal then suddenly lose it and go on killing sprees or something, do it. Part of it is because people treat them like crap for no reason at all. Over time it builds up and they lose it. There was no reason for you to post what you did. None at all.

I know about it all too well because I've suffered from depression since I was 13 and I'm almost 29 now. Nowhere near as bad now as when I was younger, but back then I was pretty messed up and did snap on a few people in high school. So I know what I'm talking about and know exactly what you meant by your post and it wasn't needed.

[edit on 8-5-2008 by nightmare_david]

I am sorry for an outbust like before. I just took big risk here, I already see a doctor and if this reaches them a long talk. I was careful to just say how things happened and not go off on wild tangens too much. I have also run ins with the cops before, dont plan on doing anything illegal been on locked psych wards before and never want or wanted my freedoms taken away. I guess this was a call for help but I manage without and am not in trouble. In high school just kids being kids, conformity and I was just outside of that without girlfreind, car, job, recreational drugs, or freinds in this town so when they have these things and think parts of my life are a joke, I developed a mentality towards them.
They got jobs and college after and I got brought by cops to locked floor then court and I havent been able to move on with my life. I am just frustrated because this is all true from my point of view and seems unjust. Music is about the human condition, but if they thought I was a columbiner they might feel something or send subliminals (if this happened denied over here at every turn and didnt trust 100%). Just wanted to see if this made sense to other people and plead my case or tell my side of story, I didnt mean for this to happen.
I dont know if people will think I ruined some music or blasfamey think I am evil or connected to revelations or the real Anti-christ. Jesus got crucified for saying he was connected or a part of god and that used to be a crime, and if they assumed or thought I did the same sort of thing only other extremity for megalomania or vengence. I just am reminded of this every day for 7 years and just tired of this being what I did with my youth.

Sorry meant to say but got kinda lenghty I only said I would try to delete this name, not never use internet or visit this sight again,covertly if necessary in future. I just didnt want stigma attached to me for this anymore.

reply to post by P. O. W.


Friend, a problem faced is not something to be ashamed of. There is no stigma that I see. We all have different problems, such as a previous poster that has an impulse control issue. (No names, but you know who you are.)

Except for a few people that lack any concept of sensitivity, most folks here are very understanding. And it's a great place to discuss a lot of things, no matter what they are.

Welcome to ATS.

Well bud, I hear you. Sometimes life can be unfair and totally screwed up but there are people that are out there that care and would like to help. Its ok to rant......sometimes thats the best medicine. Its a shame that you feel it necessary to leave ATS. I wouldn't worry about the stigma the P.O.W. name has on here (if thats what you were meaning) I doubt anyone here would have any ill will towards you.

Its good to talk and get things off your chest. healthy even.

I suppose that I can only speak for myself but im sure there would be many here at ATS that would be willing to listen if you ever just wanted to chat privately.

When I was young and full of angst I found that writing always helped me.

reply to post by P. O. W.



Bless your heart. Here is some love to you from a complete stranger. Life is really rough and it is up to each of us as individuals to make the most of it. High School really blew...I hated it and quit but if you do get a GED. Life has its ups and downs but just hold onto the happy moments and try and create more of them. I wish you well.

Originally posted by P. O. W.
Music is about the human condition,

I didnt mean for this to happen.

I dont know if people will think I ruined some music or blasfamey think I am evil or connected to revelations or the real Anti-christ.

I also am sorry for your pain.

where does music fit into this.... you mean the rap industry?
If you can give us a little more info so we know where you are coming from.

I meant music being the entire spectrum of human emotion, mind and life. If they thought I was a Columbiner, they killed selves to teach people a lesson and to get recognition. I was in 10th grade then so I heard Manson, Eminem, Matthew good band and others feel repercussions, ie, aggressive, punk , metal ,underground, rap. And rap has this mentality of thugged out gangster dont back down and go over the top with aggresion like Scarface or other mafia or organized crime. Sorry I am impulsive more because of my internal trauma to brain whole list of side effects.

I have already contacted AOL about 20 or so emails that werent there that were the day before, and yesterday missing. I have some from Oct. 2006 and did not reach limit where some are deleted. This has happened before last summer where some sort of inside job, life on display or unwanted telepathic projection connection led someone to discovering my email password. Strange emails started showing up, one like a forum against me said "I think the bank just walked the plank", empire eyes only: jenna pornstar with another woman for a free 2 or 4 hour tape, everyones worse possible nightmare getting a used car (backwards spells rac but that may be finding patterns where they dont exist). I assumed everything should at least be considered encoded.

I am already building a legal case agaisnt some people in "420 empire town" and "elm street" but this post form...1999 isnt knowingly directed towards me. If anyone who knows could do a backround search on the internet connection, name or email address it might come in handy if I go to court. For some of the things he said to be true when I put it in my personal context, graduation had to have happened. I always suspected but had no proof everyone around me dismissed it says it didnt happen and I am dillusional for bringing it up repeatedly. Lots of strange unexplainables along the way pieces of a puzzle complicated. How can you feel repercussions from an event that never happened, your map of possible reality falls apart.

I am sorry if anyone misunderstood, I have been trying to prove I am not the anti-christ or one of them. That was just their justification for the way things happened the way they did. I am trying to clear name because of everywhere I go sort of looking over shoulder and expecting worst and possibly help my physical brain condition as of over 13 months ago.

They told me "I want to play a game, how hard would you fight to stay alive" ---SAW years ago and I am kinda "Conspiacy Theory" with mel gibson with nerves. And said "Operation Mindcrime, -revolution calling -eyes of a stranger" ---Queensryche

[edit on 10-5-2008 by P. O. W.]

reply to post by P. O. W.


Amen, you are not free until you drop out of it all and stop allowing yourself to be used.

Do you have the power to do it?

Yes you do, the worst that can happen is you die, but we don't own our bodies anyway and death is the price we all pay to have them, even if others use us to keep their flesh nourished it all serves mammon.

Die to this world and live to God or live to this world and die to God.