The Magical Mugwamp Woo Hoo Tour, part 1

I, Captain Redneck, remember that morning like a solid kick in the gonads with steel toed shoes. Painfully and groggily spazzed out from eight days and seven nights of partying with Hammerhead, Fingers Malone, Elvis, Pete, Butch, Fathead, Mr. Potato Head, Baby Huey, Soapy, Doggie Breath and the rest of the Rat F**kers gang, I slowly got out of bed and made my way over to the alarm clock to shut it off. I wasn't feeling much better when, on my tenth cup of coffee and third cartoon of cigarettes, the phone rang. I swear, it sounded just like Big Ben going off inside my head. I picked it up and said:"Stick's Pool Hall. Eightall speaking. How can I help you?" A female voice replied:"Boogity, boogity, boogity!" I knew in a nano second that this was my gal, Slackjaw Jezebel, calling me up to let me know she was ready for some heavy duty action. So I grabbed my box of Trojans and headed off to war in the heart of the combat zone known as Hamilton Hill. I no sooner left the bunker when I noticed General Nuissance warming up he M1A2 Abrams. I asked him if I could hitch a ride, and he said to hop on board. He ked me :"Where to?" and I said:"Arlington Hall." He took off in a flash and we got there after a quick 12 minute trip into Dead Pan Alley, where my lady lived. I artfully dodged the bullets while zig-zagging through the minefield to my girlfrinds porch. I ran up the steps and over to the door where I did my best imitation of a combined KGB/Gestapo jack booted mindless gobot and kicked the door in and then slammed the door shut just seconds before this arrow would have hit me right in the middle of my forehead. The silence was deafening. I slowly eyed the darkness of the apartment, knowing that my Slackjaw Jezebel was there, intent;y staring me from somewhere in the darkness. So I activated my nightvision goggles and slowly made my way through the apartment, searching for her on the top floor> Then I moved downstairs, slowly sweeping each room in the hope that I would find her soon so that we could get down to busting "bunkers" again with our own very special brand of 'weapons!' I finally made my way dwn to the torture cham,bers down in the basement, where my beautiful Slackjaw Jezebel waited wih the nipple clamps and the electroshock machine. And what to my wandering eyes did I see?. Why, my gal Slackjaw Jezebel aleady on the bed getting warmed up by Nurse Ratchett who was prepping my baby with her very own surgical tools. I paused just long enough to hang a sign on the other side of the door that said: "If this room is a rockin', don't come a nockin'" Then I dove into the foxholes.