Girl has me confused

I asked a girl out and she was not interested. In fact, she thought it was weird that I asked her. Now I am a shy type, and I wouldn't have asked her unless we already had established rapport and I really thought there was something there. I really thought it wouldn't be a big deal, and she knew me better than most girls who I have started dating before.

I just can't understand why she thought it was so weird, and to basically scoff at the idea.

I plan not to initiate anything further with her, because I totally don't understand and don't want to freak her out either. Though I wonder if anyone has any thoughts or advice on this sort of situation?

Though the matter is somewhat petty, please help me deny my ignorance, lol.

You mucked up dude. You probably took too long to ask this chick out.

The problem is you got stuck in the "friend zone." that's probably why she thought it was weird you asked her out. That's my opinion.

I'm in a similar situation...Mine might be a little less developed then yours though.

I'm going to take humbleones advice.

Oh how sweet! Good friends could make good mates, ya know! I wouldn't give up just yet. Go talk to her -- this time let her know that you really like her and that you are not some weirdo asking a friend as close as she is out on a date. If you strike out the third time, then I'm afraid you will forever be in her 'friend zone'. Good luck, though.

What is tragically funny or hysterical I guess about all this is that I make such an effort to perpetuate a sense of friendship/comradery with everyone I spend time with, no matter what. It's the world I try to make for myself, it's an ideal. I am already prepared to make any decision, tough or easy, "friend" involved or not, it's a chance I'm always willing to take for the very sake of friendship.

Thanks for helping me to understand what might have happened here Humble. I think talking to her might work like you said pikypiky, but I am not overly excited about pursuing this anymore, not when I understand why - I guess one way to describe how I feel is that I would feel sick, if it was worth it.

You spent to much time playing the friend, sorry you did mess up here. Once in the friend zone you are stuck there. You could do what pikypiky says but this will only strain the friendship further. Let it go there are others out there, the thing with women is when the man enters the picture he has very lttle time to move in for the kill. Forget al the crap they say they want, and go with what comes naturally to you. If you want to play doctor with the girl you had better been putting gum in her hair the day before.

reply to post by Novise


......................

Novise .. years ago, a man with whom I worked surprised and shocked me by asking me on a date.

I panicked and didn't handle it too well I'm afraid. Left him in no doubt that I wasn't interested in him that way.

It was awkward and horrible. He was hurt, humiliated and embarrassed though tried to laugh it off. I was angry with him, in a way, for putting me in that position. Wondered why he'd imagined I would go out with him. And was angry with him for ruining the friendship too, because now I realised it hadn't been just a friendship as far as he was concerned. So I felt he'd been deceiving me and his 'friendship' just a sham all along.

We'd been good friends, I thought. We'd chatted, joked, made it through some difficult situations, workwise. I'd confided in him on occasion. He'd never given any indication his interest was more than that .. from my perspective.

I'd certainly never given him any reason to believe I was romantically interested in him. So where had he got the idea I was, I wondered.

Just one of those communication-mix ups. He'd interpreted my friendship as 'interest', obviously. And maybe that's because he wanted to, because he was interested in me.

When a woman is interested in a man, she lets him know -- she can't help herself. Friendship, conversation, jokes, shared coffee etc. ... isn't necessarily 'interest'. Women enjoy male friendships .. enjoy platonic relationships. Unfortunately, men often misinterpret this.

Which very possibly is why the girl regarded you as 'weird'... 'weird' meaning you confused her by turning from someone she regarded as a 'friend' into someone who was romantically interested in her.

Now that you have asked her out on a date, at least she knows what your real interest in her is. She's had time to think about it. If she hasn't let you know that she'd 'interested' in you as other than a friend .. then she's not. And now she's aware of your real feelings, neither of you will be able to return to 'friendship' level, I'm sorry to say. Because she'll always be worried that you might misinterpret her laughter or conversation or touch on the arm to mean more than she intends.

There's loads of information online or in books, describing gestures women make when they're interested in a man: twirling hair while they're talking to him ... looking up at him from beneath their eyelashes .. laughing at even the corniest things he says ... stroking their own arms while they're talking to him .. flirtatious glances and comments, etc. etc. I know it sounds corny, but these are apparently universal female gestures of sexual interest. If the girl was sending you these messages while claiming 'just friendship' then she's seriously confused. But it's more likely that you misinterpreted her behaviour because you were interested in her. It's a common mistake. Women are hard to read. Even men in their 60's find women hard to understand at times. So don't be hard on yourself.

Just go on being yourself because you sound the sort of person who'd be a great friend. And sooner rather than later, you'll meet a girl who'll make it clear she wants to be more than your friend :-)

Women, after a certain period of time, have a tendency of viewing a guy as a "family member" if he doesn't ask her out in an x amount of time. I am like the poster who said you "mucked up." Best thing to do is to accept the relationship for what it is and move on. :shk::shk:

Oh wow, this is an eye opener. Thanks folks.

I feel guilty for what I've done, but thanks to you guys I'll never let this happen (because of me) again.

Probably go get one of those books, sounds like this relationship stuff is actually interesting - who would have thought.

Any suggestions for a book or two?

reply to post by Novise


"The Game" by Neil Strauss.

Word of advice about that book though, take this reviewers advice from amazon.com and you should be fine.

Thanks Humble and all of you! I couldn't put this book down, I bought it last Sunday night and now I've finished it. Neil Strauss is a great writer, really keeps it interesting, and I could relate to his humor.

And now I better understand how to tell when a girl is being a good friend and I don't have to wonder if there is something more because now I know what to look for (the things Dock6 said). So already I feel more comfortable in a lot more situations where I am the friend and I'm also not interested in dating the girl. And now at least I know on some basic level what to do if I meet a girl I am interested in. Thanks to you guys for the nudge!

Originally posted by thehumbleone
You mucked up dude. You probably took too long to ask this chick out.

The problem is you got stuck in the "friend zone." that's probably why she thought it was weird you asked her out. That's my opinion.

Exactly my thoughts.

Have fun with future girls novice!

Good luck.

[edit on 17-2-2008 by _Phoenix_]

reply to post by Novise


No problem bro.

I know you will do good with your future encounters with the opposite sex.

[edit on 17-2-2008 by thehumbleone]

My man, you broke the ice by asking. Don't let it freeze over again by waiting to long with a follow up. She now knows you like her design, perhaps the day was wrong for the move. At this point, have a casual conversation and say her name with a smooth confidence telling her, its ok, I just wanted you to know how I feel and if you are uncomfortable, maybe some other time. Than after shes done lip locking all over you, just go YA!.

I think her feeling weird was an insecurity reflex to being noticed.

Good luck!!!

I would! I really would! Except for this time. As much as it sucks I really did seem to muck this one up badly. I made myself way too easy and a pushover anyway. It's my fault for ignoring my lack of social skills for so long.

But if I do find myself face to face with her and something needs to be said, that's pretty darn good what you've come up with there! And it's also 100% true. I doubt I will find myself in that situation though.

Geez Nov', just wait until they start "hunting" you. Want a full rollodex? Er' black book, 'er, PDA, 'er, WAB? Ingore the ones you would naturally seek romantically... befriend those who would be friends. It drives them nuts. Know thine prey's weaknesses and strengths. I like the "leg-hold" trap gambit. Anchor them with a shmuck... and then sail circles around their cliche. Bring in some "celebrity guest babes" just to P 'em off with the jellied gasoline of jealousy.

When asked by "them" for a date... laugh, then cut a side deal with a sister, friend or daughter while they watch, LOL. At times it is a game. A very "dangerous" game. I like danger but the Missus' is far more exciting, she's an archer. Wink.

Cheers,

Vic

It's times like that that I like to get out on the town for a

Nothing beats stress like bars and beers. Bars and beers and big dance parties.

[edit on 18-2-2008 by MrdDstrbr]

i had a similar problem in middle school. i had never "dated" before then. there was a girl that i had started hanging out with and i grew to like her. one day i let her know and it created this really awkward scene where we both pretended to laugh it off. that kind of scarred me and i never really asked another girl out again until i was like 20. yeah. loser. that one was secretly dating someone else, but kept stringing me along anyway. a coworker ended up asking me out not too long after that and we've been married for 5 years.

i was extremely socially inept with women, but i think it all turned out ok. if i knew then what i know now, i'm sure i would have had much better luck and a lot less fear. that doesn't mean i would want to go back and redo it.

all i can say is don't get too stressed out about it. if it were me and i were able to restrain my fear, i would talk to her about it. apologize for putting her on the spot, but let her know how you feel. if she's not interested even in the slightest then you'll have to accept that. but if it's a more relaxed conversation she may even be a little more receptive and might get her seriously thinking about it, rather than just a knee-jerk "no".

reply to post by V Kaminski


now here is a man who knows how to play the game ... and well

I really feel for those who have to date in this day and age *sigh*