i can't find any of my friends online so i am putting this out there:

i am in a lot of pain right now...physical pain and mental pain....it is bad. i feel like i am going to snap and as usual, i don't know what to do, where to go, or what to do....

please mods, i am not advocating using any substance i mention...i only want/need to talk.
btw, i am 30 yrs old, not some under age dude.

all day i have been in a piss poor mood...you can read about the start of that in the rant thread.
today was horrible just like always...

things have gotten BAD for me.....
i have not smoked today and i will not but i am actually worried that i might wind up at the hospital..

i took 15 valiums(thats 70 milligrams) and my lexapro. now, i am sucking on a bottle of southern comfort straight, 100 proof.
i'm about to go eat a coule vicodin and see how i feel.

i just want to drown out all the pain that i feel.

btw, the whole looking for the guy that broke into my house 23 years ago has got me all bent. i can't stop thinking about the scene and his name and his age and what i saw....
i can NOT get it out of my head...

all i see when i close my eyes is blood. i see blood on the walls. i see my mother fighting the guy. i see the kitchen tossed like it was raided. i see the phone ripped out of the wall and i see myself, screaming.
i see my parents beat up and bleeding and i am a scared little kid that couldn't do anything.

i am not a kid anymore and i can't lie....i have his address. it is 1600 miles away but don't think i have not thought about heading down there and having a chat.

i want to look in his face and tell him he ruined my life. i want to look in his eyes and tell him the scars on his neck are from my mother.

i want to tell him that i am a man now and if he feels like he wants to hurt me, he can gladly try.

i ust don't know how to cope with what i am feeling....


btw, i despise booze. i think it is poison. i hate it and i hate being around people that drink it.....yet, here i am, getting bent..

Advice is a dime a dozen, but for what it's worth try and keep your thoughts positive and give it time. It ain't easy, but stick to it.

Seems to me, you just have a lot of things to work through. Been there and done that. I wish I had an easy answer, but you gotta find solace within yourself and only you can do it.

Just know you have peeps on ATS who will listen.

Stay easy bro.

Please don't take any more pills or alcohol. You won't find peace or an answer there...only more heartache. The only way to deal with this is to speak with a trained professional. This doesn't mean you are weak or less than a man. There are times in almost everyones life when seeking professional help is beneficial.

Please know that God loves you and so do your friends here at ATS.

reply to post by kinglizard


thanks homie....i go see a head shrinker on the 7th.
i am just trying to wait it out till then...i should be able to cope... hope till then,


the smallest thing sets me off and it is almost like i am waiting for my moment to sstrike...the the dude smoking in the carwith his babies in the car and the window down....i would have pulled that mofo out of hos car and beat him in the street.
i don't even care what happens to me anymore.....i just want to feel good
i want no pain and no mental #.,


i tell you what. i can see why people drink. i am about halfway thrugh this 5th and i a, bigakesd

Oh I'm so glad you found help for the 7th however I feel from reading your op that you are in a bit of a crisis this evening. There are many resources...free resources that can help you tonight. They are called crisis hot lines...some deal with suicide and others for general crisis counseling/help. They are trained people that can help you right now.

Please follow this link:

www.findcounseling.com...

Find your state and call the appropriate 800 number...just talk...it will help more than you know. Don't think just do it....

Boondock,
I'm not going to schmooze and
say I know what you're going through.

I do, however know what post traumatic
stress is, and feels like.

You are showing classic symptoms.

I agree with kinglizard. Get help. Fast.

Trust me when I say this :

Drugs and/or alcohol do NOT help.
They intensify the feelings.

I wish you godspeed, and happier
days.

If you want, U2U me. We'll talk.

Hopeful,
Lex

Well, you found this friend online. Please be cool and don't hurt yourself with pills, or alcohol. You can also u2u me if you need to.

I suggest you drink some water and have your daily slice of bread.

Give thanks and praise.

Go to sleep.

When you awake...

Have another glass of water.

Give thanks and praise.

Make yourself a cheesy egg sandwich for breakfast.

Eat it.

Give thanks and praise.

Get out of the house and head to someplace green, bring water with you.

Get there and sit indian style with your eyes closed.

Drink some of your water.

Give thanks and praise.

Close your eyes again and hold your hands in Dhyāna Mudrā position.

Repeat this 10 times slowly:

What I Think, That I Become

Drink some more of your water.

Give thanks and praise.

Stand up...

whirl yourself in a circle until you reach a vertigenous stupor



Sit back down.

Dhyāna Mudrā

3 more times.

"What I think, That I Become."

Take another sip of water.

Give thanks and praise.

Now consider the water left in the bottom of your container.

Give Thanks

Sri Oracle

Hey Boondock! If YOU get the chance & HAVE time, I suggest you get Tony Robbins "UNLIMITED POWER" book. There's a lot in there on re framing bad memories, controling your moods, and TO make yourself FEEL BETTER. I've suggested it to a few people who really enjoyed it.

Just know you got a big ATS family here for ya and support you!


Now go back and read only the caps.

Boondock, we have never conversed before. Anyway cut the pills out unless you want to be dead. Though I'm not a doctor I can relate, sounds like you have PTSD. I have PTSD and am just starting to see a shrink. I was surprised that talking to someone about the wild thoughts and the daily emotional roller coaster I've been riding helps. At first I thought they where nuts and it was a wast of time. It's not, it helps and it works. Keep your ___ together.

I take it your a musician write some tunes keep your mind working, go for walks or 200 push ups just keep your mind busy. Don't resort to pills and booze my friend it will only compound your problems.
I don't normally talk to people about this kind of thing but you can u2 me any time and we can shoot the bull if you like.
Take care of your self,things will get better.


[edit on 18/11/2007 by Sauron]

I dont have much advice that others havent given....but Im sorry you are going thru such a hard time. I hope your night is going better then when you posted this.

Tomorrow is a new day.....hang in there...."and this too shall pass"

Boondock, buddy..stop the pills..stop the alcohol.I know you are feeling horrible right now, but they only numb the pain for awhile not make it go away.You know you have friends here..we always tell you that.
Do not do anything you will regret.
I urge you to u2u those that have offered it to you, and can relate to you.
Please..it's all I ask.
AD

I'm sorry you are going throygh this bad time. Sounds to me like you have what I have...severe depression.

I have been to the depths of hell with my depresion. There is not a soul on earth that can know exactly how you feel unless they have been severely depressed. I'm not talking about saddness or mild depression. I'm talking about the worst depresion there is.

I have been on antidepressants since 1994. I tried to get off the drugs twice, the last time being about four weeks ago. I've taken all types of depression meds but find prozac to work best for me. I started back on the prozac yesterday. I was to the point that I was going to hurt someone. I cannot do away with my life as my husband killed himself and that hurts so many people and it the cowards way out.

I am a sweet , loving and a very gentle person but depression turns me into a violent, full to the brim maniac. I despise the feelings that I get.

Please, please scream, throw objects at something you won't hurt and try to get out of your house and see different scenery.

Can you cry? If you can then please do. Go somewhere away from everyone and let it go. This is not unmanly. It is a stress reliever.

I better stop talking as I could go on forever about sever depression and the hell I've been through. I'm just glad I went back on my prozac yesterday.

It will get better...I can promise you that.

Marilyn

I'm glad to see you reaching out for help. I was seriously worried about you when I read your "rant". Seems that there are a lot of people on the board that are hurting so you're not alone. We're all in this boat together, brother.

I know you don't believe in God but he believes in you and is a source of strength and refuge. Adding you to my prayer list.

You need to be alive for your appointment on the 7th so drop the pills and the booze. Hang in there, buddy.

thanks for the advice guys...i really WANT to go to the hospital and tell em whats what.

as for the booze....i HATE booze....what i did last night was stupid, i know...i won't even drink wine, champagne, anything...i don't like being around people that are drinking...

i was mentally hurting, and still very much am...

my wife said i drank all the southern comfort in about an hour....the entire rest of the night is a haze. i took 12 valium and 2 vicodin too.

i woke up on the bathroom floor with a blanket on me...apparently i was throwing up last night and i could not get off the floor.
i broke my psp and i don't remember....my wife said we were watching striking distance(i don't remember) and i said i wanted to listen to music. got my psp out of the cradle and dropped it. bounced off the table, hit the wall, on the floor. psp=dead.

my wife said i fell and almost broke the laptop...the screen was all out of place...she said she like jumped across the couch to stop it from falling.

i have a back eye towards the edge of my eye where my wife said i hit the wall. i fell.

she said i could hardly walk...was stumbling around all over the place...she said i scared her to death cause i almost fell through the picture window....

she hid my pills and dumped out the boonsfarm she bought cause she knew i was gonna go for that right after......

my back is killing me...i threw up 4-5 times this morning....

can't believe my psp is broke....

i remember NOTHING from last night...

thanks for beiing here guys....hopefully tonight will be better

oh, i just round out that i jacked up one of mu guitars too.

my wife said i came in to get my acoustic off the wall to play along with zappa and i scuffed it all against the wall and i fell of course.
scuffs ALL over it from the wall, out of tune like a mofo...

You sound better my brother! Good!

And scuff marks on a guitar is called character.

Bro u2u me if you want as well.Would rather not discuss here but your not alone

Oh Buddy..I hope that was a lesson well learned in what NOT to do.
I hope you feel better soon.
You are lucky throwing up was all that happened.
I'm sure I need not tell you that.

How're ya doing?

I hope you are finding creative and productive ways to spend your time; being idle can lead to deep anxiety. Find yourself an outlet. Write poetry. Garden. Find some small way to serve that brings smiles to those around you.

You may want to consider a liquid calcium/magnesium supplement... cal/mag = calm.

I hope you are out of your lull and off to taking better care of yourself.

Sometimes we need to hit rock bottom just so we know where it is.

Have a bowl of rice.

give thanks,

Sri Oracle