We All Need to Laugh a Little More

You may not find these as funny as I did, but hey, I tried.


Hope they bring at least a smile to your day.


Deep Thoughts

* If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.
* Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff.
* I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN TO YOURSELF!
* I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake!
* Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet.
* I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground and live there. But don't ever call us "ants," because we hate that.
* Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?
* We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is actually flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap?
* When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
* If you ever discover that what you're seeing is a play within a play, just slow down, take a deep breath, and hold on for the ride of your life.
* Something tells me that the first mousetrap wasn't designed to catch mice at all, but to protect little cheese "gems" from burglars.
* It's easy to sit and scoff at an old man's folly. But also, check out his Adam's apple!
* Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He told us about his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though.
* He was a spy, all right, and he knew it. He would walk into a room and people would go, "Who is that guy, a spy?" He'd laugh to himself, maybe pull out his gun and show it to the person, to kind of impress him (but not to show off). Sometimes spying was dirty work. Sometimes he'd kill a guy, then paint a clown face on his face. Nobody said he had to do that, but he did it anyway. So, dirty work.
* I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like "Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."
* Blow ye winds, Like the trumpet blows; But without that noise.
* Of all the tall tales, I think my favorite is the one about Eli Whitney and the interchangeable parts.
* I think man invented the car by instinct.
* It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them! Man, wise up.
* I think it's high time we started questioning the old cliches like "Grunt big for Daddy."

# Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
# Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.
# A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
# I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.
# If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
# If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons (maybe by shoving them down his throat).
# Why do there have to be rules for everything? It's gotten to the point that rules dominate just about every aspect of our lives. In fact, it might be said that rules have become the foot-long sticks of mankind.
# To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
# I hate it when people say somebody has a "speech impediment" even if he does, because it could hurt his feelings. So instead, I call it a "speech improvement", and I go up to the guy and say, "Hey, Bob, I like your speech improvement." I think this makes him feel better.
# I think there should be something in science called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect."
# I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?
# For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.
# I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?
# If you had a school for professional fireworks people, I don't think you could cover fuses in just one class. It's just too rich a subject.
# He was the kind of man who was not ashamed to show affection. I guess that's what I hated about him.
# If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.
# It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was going to fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
# Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, I see now.
# Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
# I bet it was pretty hard to pick up girls if you had the Black Death.
# I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway.
# What am I afraid of? I'll tell you: a feather. that's right, a feather. How could anyone be afraid of a feather, you say. That's an honest question, and I'll try to give it an honest answer. First of all, did I say it was a poison feather?
# If you're a circus clown, and you have a dog that you use in your act, I don't think it's a good idea to also dress the dog up like a clown, because people see that and they think, "Forgive me, but that's just too much."

* Whenever I need to "get away,'' I just get away in my mind. I go to my imaginary spot, where the beach is perfect and the water is perfect and the weather is perfect. The only bad thing there are the flies. They're terrible!
* Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again.
* I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
* If I was the head of a country during a war and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought WE won!"
* If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say.
* I remember when I was in the army, we had the toughest drill sergeant in the world. He'd get right up next to your face and yell, and if you didn't have the right answers, mister, you'd be peeling potatoes or changing the latrine. Hey, wait. I wasn't in the army. Then who WAS that guy?!
* I think my new thing will be to try to be a real happy guy. I'll just walk around being real happy until some jerk says something stupid to me.
* I hope, when they die, cartoon characters have to answer for their sins.
* If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it EASY!
* When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English." If I come back as a horsefly,
* I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they smash you, ick!, you're all over their lip!
* I think in one of my previous lives I was a mighty king, because I like people to do what I say.
* Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go, "Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"
* Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.
* If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, "Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, "A girl!? You must have me mixed up with THAT dork!" and point to another father.
* If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we're not going to hurt it.
* A good way to keep a mob of peasants from killing your monster is when they break into your castle, make them be real quiet, then open a door and there's the monster, sound asleep.
* There should be a detective show called "Johnny Monkey," because every week you could have a guy say "I ain't gonna get caught by no MONKEY," but then he would, and I don't think I'd ever get tired of that.
* If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him.
* I think there probably should be a rule that if you're talking about how many loaves of bread a bullet will go through, it's understood that you mean lengthwise loaves. Otherwise, it makes no sense.
* You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood.
* If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.
* If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said inspection'." They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.
* I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid.
* I think a good way to get in a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."
* If I had a mine shaft, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's got to be a better way.
* Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!
* I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people.
* Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
* It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
* When you go ice-skating, try not to swing your arms too much, because that really annoys me.
* I think a new, different kind of bowling should be "carpet bowling." It's just like regular bowling, only the lanes are carpet instead of wood. I don't know why we should do this, but my gosh, we've got to try something!
* In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you.
* Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way.
* Some folks say it was a miracle. St. Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. Other folks say it was just a lucky swing.
* If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.
* I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money.''
* It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
* Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions?
* Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out there."
* When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.
* If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall.
* When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job."
* During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the corner."
* If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.

If you like those, more can be found here.




Jasn

Funn stuff Jasn, funny stuff .

If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.

^^^ My personal fav.

* I think a good way to get in a movie is to show up where they're making the movie, then stick a big cactus plant onto your buttocks and start yowling and running around. Everyone would think it was funny, and the head movie guy would say, "Hey, let's put him in the movie."

* If I was being executed by injection, I'd clean up my cell real neat. Then, when they came to get me, I'd say, "Injection? I thought you said inspection'." They'd probably feel real bad, and maybe I could get out of it.

* Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: Straddle a big crack in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail your arms around, like you're going to fall in.

Favorites. Ahaha. This stuff is great. Reminds me of an old friend I used to have. Everything he said was similar to these things.

Always love a good joke list. Thank for some humor in my life!

Edit, because I always hit Post too quickly for the typos!

[edit on 9-11-2007 by MrMysticism]

super glue a cat to the bonnet of your car to stop birds crappin' on it.

mojo

Thanks SD!

Ill try to remember some of those for our inane onstage banter
during tonites gig.

this one for sure...


* If I lived back in the Wild West days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like, "Hey look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

reply to post by whaaa


Indeed! I have always loved that one.

The soldering iron of JUSTICE!!!!


Jasn