Am I being the typical jealous woman?

It's a long long story, I will try to summarize as much as possible.

I am in a relationship with a man, have been for 3 years now. There were tons of issues with our relationship to begin with, but we were both pretty desperate for companionship after our divorces and the dating scene.

I know that sounds unromantic, but love isn't like the movies.

So, I dont really know if I was in love with him then, but I am now.

My life hasn't been easy, I admit to being cautious about giving someone my trust. I like to think I am normal in that department.

He isn't a typical male in a lot of ways. He is the one with intimacy issues, I am the one always having to ask for it and feeling guilty when I do. He doesnt kiss me. I know that sounds horrible, but its something you get used to. He is withdrawn emotionally and always has been. Some people are just that way.

Ok now to the part where I need to know I am not crazy!

He just started a new job. He works early mornings so he usually is up before me and out the door long before I get up.

Lately hes been acting strange. He comes home at random times, avoids me as much as possible by hiding in his office and being on the computer. Hes especially grumpy with me, makes little comments about things he dislikes. He is jumpy when the cell phone rings and this morning before he went to work he put on cologne. He NEVER wears cologne, especially to work.

Ok so I thought, just be a strong independent woman and call him and ask him about it or you will sit and get angry all day. Now he isnt answering the cell phone.

My first reaction and my last reaction is that hes having an emotional affair. Maybe just flirting or thinking about physically cheating, but definitly on the verge.

Am I just being the typical jealous woman here?

I have tried in the past to be the mature person and say in my mind, oh well if he is cheating you move on and you will survive, but I think being cheated on would be the worse thing emotionally to happen to me.

So, help me. If I am being crazy and overeacting tell me please.



[edit on 20-10-2007 by Ellipsis]

I am a man (kinda I suppose)

The woman allways knows.

In my opinion you should ask him straight. Jealous or not, if you are feeling issues in your relationship you should open the lines of communication and talk about it. And phone calls are not the way to go. It's much easier to lie down the phone.

The Love MonKey

Originally posted by Ellipsis


Am I just being the typical jealous woman here?


[edit on 20-10-2007 by Ellipsis]

"Typical" jealous woman? In my experience if your instincts say something is off, it usually is.

Your post is giving me these:



And I know you're getting them too, or you wouldn't be here posting about it.

If you're getting red flags, you need to listen to them.

Confront him.

You've been through divorce, so you know what it is to lose a relationship. There's no need to hang on to a relationship that does not fulfill you in any way.

Ask him WTF and if he doesn't have satisfactory answers, or you still feel uncomfortable with the ones he gives, my advice is to think about this relationship long and hard and decide whether it is what you really want or if you are clinging to it in order to avoid being alone.

I'm going through a horrid divorce from an abusive man right now, and maybe my reaction to your post is colored by that fact. But he doesn't kiss you? There's something wrong there. Very wrong.



[edit on 20-10-2007 by MajorMalfunction]

Originally posted by ChiKeyMonKey
In my opinion you should ask him straight. Jealous or not, if you are feeling issues in your relationship you should open the lines of communication and talk about it. And phone calls are not the way to go. It's much easier to lie down the phone.

Just got off the phone with him. He called me back an hour after I called him.

He says its because he thought he smelt funny this morning that he wore cologne and then of course he got angry and said I was being ridiculous and he had to get back to work.

Honestly if he is cheating can I expect a direct response from him? I doubt it..sighh. How the hell are you suppose to know??

It's a statistically a given that cheating people never admit it unless they are caught in the act.

Relationships suck.

One thing I'm learning the hard way -- listen to YOUR instincts. Hope keeps us in a relationship that isn't any good. When things go wrong, hope is just another four letter word.

His excuse stinks, if you'll forgive the pun.

Don't make excuses for the guy -- emotional intimacy is part of a relationship, and if someone isn't there for you in the right ways, then they are not being completely honest with you at all.

I think you know what the truth is -- we can only reply to the info you post. Try to set aside hope and fear and look at what is going on as if you're outside of the whole thing, what you'd say if it was a friend or sister going through what you're going through.

Originally posted by MajorMalfunction
I think you know what the truth is -- we can only reply to the info you post. Try to set aside hope and fear and look at what is going on as if you're outside of the whole thing, what you'd say if it was a friend or sister going through what you're going through.

I would tell her she either has to accept the guy as he is or move on.

Then I would watch her ignore my advice, as I will probably ignore my instinct, and try to accept that maybe just maybe my instinct or my advice is wrong.

Life is short, I am 30 years old, have 3 children and I am not ready to be alone or in the dating scene. I want to be happy, but I realize that everyone is flawed, so even if I let this guy go and had to deal with all that baggage I would have to deal with the next guys flaws as well.

After a cup of coffee or two, I realize I am right in thinking that I can't ever really know for sure, so I either let it go and stop dwelling on it or let him go and deal with what that means.

Originally posted by Ellipsis

It's a statistically a given that cheating people never admit it unless they are caught in the act.

Relationships suck.

Yes they do!

I like MM's red flags!!

Yep I sure can see them being waved.

Like I said you have to do this face to face...

Is he Mr. Right, or is he Mr. Right Now?

Why do yourself the injustice of being with someone who isn't fulfilling you?

I am (nearly) 43, and have two small children, and I'd rather be all alone than deal with a man who is giving me less than I deserve. Which means I"ll probably be alone for the rest of my life.

But after what I've been through -- that is infinitely preferable than going through it all again, and dragging my children through it with me.

Just my two cents. You do what you think is best for yourself. But don't short change yourself by settling for less than you feel you deserve.

Originally posted by MajorMalfunction
Is he Mr. Right, or is he Mr. Right Now?

I am sort of jaded about love. I dont really think there is a Mr. Right.

I could love so many different people and have so many different experiences, but I don't really believe in soulmates or perfect relationships anymore.

I get angry and frustrated when I think about how I have to let that go, but I also realize I can't live forever waiting for tommorrow, I have to live with whats happening today and try to deal with it. No matter how much it sucks sometimes

Well, whatever you decide to do, I wish you good luck and we're here if you need to vent.

As a man i would say he probably is cheating. The colonge thing, well he could be possibly telling the truth on that, i know form my own experience that if one of my clean shirts doesn't smell so clean ill do much the same thing. But this man has always had lots of intimacy issues so in all likelihood he wasn't really ready for all this to begin with. You already know something isn't right it is time to leave this relationship behind you were both in it for the wrong reasons. MM is right it is everyones responsibility to not settle for less than you deserve.

even if he is not cheating, are you really happy?

Have you talked to him about his intimacy issues? Did they come from his past marriage, or did they develop with you?

I agree with MM and Chikey. You need to talk to him face to face. I'm seeing the flags being waved around. If you really want to stay with this guy, perhaps you could even try counseling. Even if it's just for you. You are young and you need to make the right decision for you and your kids happiness. I say he is up to something.

Originally posted by ChiKeyMonKey
I am a man (kinda I suppose)

The woman allways knows.

I agree with the above sentiment.

Hell, I'm a man and in my mind there's no doubt that he either is cheating on you, or is in the process of trying to cheat on you.

I don't mean to be blunt, but sometimes bluntness is warranted in a situation like this. I know it's emotional for you, but if you don't put your foot down, eventually those emotions will destroy you.

Good luck to you.

Peace

It's just not right to have to ask for affection and kisses.

That alone is enough to review the relationship.

Bless your heart, and good luck!

Namaste
whaaa

you have to talk to him and NOT on the phone...

you need to talk to him about your feelings and listen to him and WATCH his reactions....you'll know what you need to know even if he is not telling you

Cell phone...recent recieved and placed calls....that's all I'm saying.

Originally posted by Ellipsis
Life is short, I am 30 years old, have 3 children and I am not ready to be alone or in the dating scene. I want to be happy, but I realize that everyone is flawed, so even if I let this guy go and had to deal with all that baggage I would have to deal with the next guys flaws as well.

A part of me wants to scream NO NO NOOOO dont think like that! But I also realise and recognise the justification of why you are staying in the relationship.

Life is short and the longer you stay with this man the worse it will get. Gads your story sounds so like mine. Ive been single nearly 11 months now and its a blessed relief not to have my head in fogland.

I wanna ask, does it go something like this?

He has an issue - you react to issue (surprised/shocked/hurt/confused - whatever) - he holds your reaction against you - creates new issue that YOU are at fault (ie not his Ex or mum this time). You point out original issue is what caused you to do blah blah - he blames Ex/mum etc. and YOU should know that already.

How are you physically? I found myself with constant headaches, scratching my forearms and suffering from thrush terrible - all that and more has gone.

You said "So, I dont really know if I was in love with him then, but I am now." That was the same with me except I dont love him now - full circle!

If anything I want to say loud and clear is that you are not going crazy, however if you stay with him long term then that just might be the consequence.

reply to post by dbates


yes my thoughts exactly!

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If he is wearing smelly stuff when he doesnt usually wear it then something is up. Never doubt your own intuition.

A woman's intuition is never wrong!!!!!

You're right you are not going to get a direct response to whether he is cheating or not. If I was in your position, I would actually ask him how he feels for me instead of ask him if he is cheating. That way it would put the focus on and into our relationship rather than projecting the conversation on some outside source.

If you feel comfortable or ready for the truth, ask him how he feels about you and let him know that it is alright for him to walk away if he doesn't feel for you anymore. Better to do it now then to wait until the relationship gets even more involved and bitter than it is now.

Again, only if you are ready for that conversation.