Airline Humor

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower : "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"



Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"




From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing
bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately! "
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"



O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this....
I've got the little Fokker in sight."



A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your
last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."




A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an Exceedingly long roll out
after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right Turn at the end of
the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, Make a right
at the lights and return to the airport."




A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , Overheard the
following: Lufthansa (in German):
"Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany .
Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"





Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, Contact Departure on frequency
124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure.
By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind Of dead animal on the far
end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, Contact
Departure on frequency 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; And yes,
we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers."





One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of
the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past
theCherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What
a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real
zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours And I'll have
enough parts for another one."




While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto
Charlie taxiway!
You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you
to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up!
It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move
till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about
Half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, When I tell
you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent
after The verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging
the Irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every
Cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,
asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"

Definitely rolling on the floor laughing my ass off....geez thats funny....

Too funny, I am going to share those!

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an Exceedingly long roll out
after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right Turn at the end of
the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, Make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

I nearly peed myself. Excellent stuff. Mind if I contribute?


You Might be a Redneck Pilot If...

Your stall warning plays Dixie.

Your cross-country flight plan uses f1ea markets as check points.

You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.

You have mud flaps on your wheel pants.

You think "GPS" stands for Going Perfectly Straight.

You've ever used Moonshine as Avgas.

Your toothpick keeps poking Your Mike.

Just before impact you are heard saying "Hey Y'all, Watch This".

You've just taxied all around the airport drinking beer.

You use a Purina Bag as a windsock.

You refer to flying in formation as "We got ourselves a convey here"

If you have a "Powered by Coors" decal on the cow.

If you have sports team gimme caps lined up on the glare shield.

If you put a fake hump on the cowling to show off your four-barrel Holley with supercharger.

If you stick a tennis ball on your transponder antenna.

If you put the little Playboy bunny emblems on your wheel pants.

If you call wheel pants "fender skirts".

You think three bags from Piggly Wiggly is a matched set of luggage.

You have ever used sheetrock as part of an aircraft repair.

If you have your N number tattooed across your arm.

If you have a gun rack mounted on the aft bulkhead.

When done tying down you throw your hands in the air and look up at the tower to check your time!

You have a spitoon in place of an ash tray.

You have fuzzy dice hanging from the compass.

You have a fur lined instrument overlay.

You have a Confederate flag as a headliner.

If you have a beer can crusher on the dash.

If you plane is endorsed by your paint company.

If you keep Vienna Sausage in your plane for emergency rations.

If you have ever used a beer can for aircraft repair.

If your canopy cover is a feed sack.

If your flight suit consists of bell-bottomed pants.

If you ever made love on top of your hangar.

You refer to any female ATC controller on the air as "Lil' Darlin".

You answer any radio communication with: "That’s a big 10-4".

There are parts on your plane with the name John Deere on them.

You figure in the weight of a case of Bud on your permanent weight and balance records.

Part of your walk-around inspection is taking the wheat out of the Landing gear.

You siphon gas out of your tractor for your plane.

You use your parachute to cover your plane.

You make regular low passes over your girl friend's trailer.

You’ve landed on the main street of your town for coffee.

When you call the tower, you begin "breaker, breaker, c'mon!"

Author Unknown


(from: www.funnyairlinestories.com... )

[edit on 24-9-2007 by MajorMalfunction]

reply to post by vckums


Whahahaaa.... The last one had me in stitches..... thanks for sharing.