Help with my situation.

Ok I live with my ex of 2 years who is also my best friend. She just got out of a 6 year relationship with a guy I don't get along with. She has a 5 year daughter that he thinks is his but it may be mine. I do everything for the beautiful 5 year old little girl. Should I push the issue of a chance of being her father or just leave it alone since I am the male who is in 98 percent of her life and basically raise her with her mother? I love her mother and have for the last 7 years since I broke up with her like an idiot for beer, drugs, and strippers. Everyone thinks we will end up together including most friends and our families but I am seriously insecure and it hurts not being committed to her . she don't go out or anything and we even share a bed together. she knows how I feel and wants to just not jump from 1 thing to another so she says she needs time. basically we are a couple with no verbal commitment and it really bothers me. what should I do? I don't want anyone else but I feel like she will just be gone one day since we are not together. am I just an idiot. I know I should just keep doing what I have been doing and stop sweating the stupid commitment issue. Someone tell me if what I am doing is right or wrong. What do you think should I maybe get some medication or something. really :bnghd:

[edit on 8-9-2007 by ironjello]

well if its ur fault in the first place u should try to be family again
if the daughter is your then thats even better.
boy she will make such scenes,women always make scenes^^
u knwo what to do apologiez,make her special,make her know that ur really sorry and u really will do anything for her
and we are not liyng or anything u really love her so ur doing the nice thing^^
and if theres other man or something in the way...GET THEM OUT OF THE WAY!
love is war and in war u use all ur dirty sick tricks^^

YOu are doing the right thing and you really need to give it time, you dont want her commiting to you right now anyway not unless it is for the right reasons. Right now you are in a position where you have all the opportunity to turn it into something real. The lack of a verbal commitment really shouldnt be an issue for you at all you if as you say for all intents and purposes you are a couple without it. Also dont try and push this guy out of the picture it will do nothing but make you look bad, and until the actual fact of the girls parentage is determined he has as much right to spend with her as you do. You dont need to keep apologizing for something that happened over a decade ago, obviously you have already been more or less forgiven for it ie; she is living with you and sharing a bed with you. If you keep begging for it all you will do is look like you need her approval and honestly women cant stand needy men.

I completely agree with Jovi1. (love the name)

But you are already in both their life's, allow her to get over everything and when she is over this emotional rollercoaster then she might be able to rekindle your previous relationship.

She obviously forgives your for your past issues because she allows you to share a bed and that is the most intimate thing she can provide to you at this moment in time.

Bravo to you though because you have shown that you are more than a man, and has accepted you were wrong in the past.

I hope that this works out with you, as you really do deserve it my friend.

Oni x x

Well, what guarantee does anyone have that they'll be together even with a commitment? I was married for ten years and my marriage has fallen apart. The divorce rate is high for a reason, you know. Relationships in our culture tend not to last. so what is the difference between a commitment and no commitment?

She lives with you and shares a bed. You didn't mention if you share intimate relations or not. If you are, then you're a couple, whether it's "committed" or not.

My advice, if she's had a hard time, is don't push it. Let it proceed naturally.

and for the record, as a meddlesome board-granny, don't you think sleeping in the same bed (if you aren't intimate) is giving you mixed signals and false hope? If you guys aren't intimate, perhaps she needs to get a bed of her own until you two sort out what the nature of your relationship is.

It doesn't matter if the kid is yours or not biologically, it only matters how you treat her. If she loves you like a dad, you're her dad (for now). Some stepfathers remain in their stepchildren's lives even after divorcing their mother. A relationship is more than just biology. There are plenty of bio dads that have nothing to do with their own children, and plenty of men who are fathers for those very children without sharing DNA.

Your problem is the sharing a bed part, in my opinion. If you aren't a couple, that is going to lead to confusion and conflict down the road, almost guaranteed.

yes we have sex. we have off and on for the last 6 years. we always end up running back to each other and I do love her daughter more than any thing on earth. Maybe I just worry too much. 99 percent of the time outside of work and school we are together. maybe I always look for the bad in everything and need to look at what in our lives is great and not the one thing that is not how I want.

Gonna have to agree with MM on this one, you already have the relationship even if you havent verbalized the commitment and MM is right in this day and age a verbal commitment really doesnt mean much in this day and age. enjoy what you have, wether you lke it the exact way it is you have gotten a chance that few will ever get a second one so make the most of it.

reply to post by ironjello


Here's a plug nickel's worth from this PhD in clinical psych. . . . so read at your own risk and then run find your own local counselor first and foremost.

1. Congrats for being compassionate and loving toward the daughter. I don't know if a DNA test is the highest priority right now. Personally, I'd want to know sooner or later but perhaps only to possibly be able to tell the other guy to butt out.

2. Sounds like a LOT of convoluted stuff going on. I strongly encourage you to get the book:

ATTACHMENTS: Why You Love, Feel, and Act the Way You Do

www.amazon.com...=sr_1_1/102-3588396-9367311?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1189314490&sr=1-1

By Drs Tim Clinton and Gary Sibcy

It is the best book I've ever found on such issues in 60 years of living and watching, studying, counseling people.

It has a section in the back with 10 steps to overcoming the junk from the family of origin that has set you both up for your sick dances.

2. I'm an enormous fan of making what you have work and blooming where you are planted. Running away and flushing significant people in your life is cowardly, imho. Besides, such fractures happen enough in life without trying to make them happen.

3. Loving folks as they are while ENCOURAGING (NOT manipulating, coercing, begging etc.) them to be the best they can be is an artful dance of compassion . . . not a control freak game.

4. LOVING MEANS DOING WHAT'S BEST FOR THE OTHER PERSON without being a wimpy, self-destructive door-mat one's self. WE REAP WHAT WE SOW--ESPECIALLY EVENTUALLY. Sow lots of good things and don't count the cost. Eventually they begin to come back if you have sowed out of a good heart, freely.

5. INSECURITIES . . . troublesome stuff to overcome. One needs some 2-4 good buddies WHO ENCOURAGE YOU; LIFT YOU UP; SUPPORT YOU; UNDERSTAND YOU ETC. Preferably a father figure or two in there or a big brother. Go dig such up even if you have to go to a good church to find such though there are no guarantees such are findable in even far too many churches. Short of such positive men in your life . . . you'll need to DO GOOD THINGS YOU CAN BE PROUD OF and to fill your mind with edifying, constructive, positive stuff. Otherwise, the spirals down are too habitual and tempting, automatic.

6. AS A MAN THINKS IN HIS HEART--SO IS HE. That's true about insecurities, depression--tons of stuff. Watch your thought life and self-talk. CHANGE IT FROM DESTRUCTIVE TO POSITIVE EVEN IF YOU HAVE TO SNAP A RUBBER BAND ON YOUR WRST EVERY TIME YOU RELAPSE INTO SELF-DESTRUCTIVE NEGATIVISM. Use both wrists. Don't bloody either one.

7. Trying to build a lasting, solid relationship of mutual dependable support while keeping one foot out the door is a set-up for failure. Learn to let your yes be yes and your no, no. More than that leads to all kinds of troubles. And if you can't be true to your own word to the people closest to you--what kind of joke of a person do you want to continue being??? Irresponsible, whiney, wimpy jerks fill the sidewalks, centers, malls, streets all over the world. There's no market for them. Refuse to be one. Learn to be the opposite.

8. If the only way you can learn to be the opposite is to find someone who lives the opposite and copy them with your own flavors . . . THEN DO THAT. Do it relentlessly. Do it repeatedly. Pick yourself up and do it some more when you fail. NEVER GIVE UP. You are worth it and those you love are worth it.

9. Times are almost upon us when needing mutual support of loving dependable people will not be a luxury but will be survival, or not. INVEST NOW. Trying to cash in on I OWE U'S THEN when you haven't been investing much . . . will likely not wash very well.

10. You are not going to leap tall buildings with a single bound. DECIDE WHAT THE 2-3 MOST CRUCIAL PRIORITIES ABOUT YOUR SITUATION ARE THAT YOU MOST NEED TO CHANGE. Focus on those things tiny baby step by tiny baby step day after day.

11. HOW WOULD YOU ACT IF YOU WERE SECURE? ACT THAT WAY. Eventually, the FEELINGS come with the GOOD FAITH EARNEST ACTING OUT WHAT NEEDS DONE.

12. REFUSE TO ALLOW FEELINGS TO BE YOUR SLAVE MASTER. FEELINGS ARE ONLY INFORMATION.

1. FEELINGS ARE NOT FOOD.
2. FEELINGS ARE NOT AIR.
3. FEELINGS ARE NOT WATER.
4. FEELINGS ARE NOT SHELTER.
5. FEELINGS ARE NOT CLOTHING.
6. FEELINGS ARE NOT TRANSPORTATION.
7. FEELINGS ARE NOT A GOOD JOB.
8. FEELINGS ARE NOT EVEN SEX.

FEELINGS ARE MERELY INFORMATION. Sometimes they can be wonderful information--even important information.

But FEELINGS MAKE TERRIBLE BOSSES, TERRIBLE SLAVE MASTERS AND TOLERABLE SERVANTS.

REFUSE TO ALLOW OTHER PEOPLE TO CONTROL YOUR FEELINGS. No one can MAKE you angry or feel anything else unless YOU give them that power. If you've found you've given someone that power, take it back and decide what you're going to feel then ACT EARNESTLY ACCORDINGLY AS YOU WOULD IF YOU INTENSELY FELT WHATEVER FEELING YOU WANT TO FEEL. Research has shown that in due course, feelings follow good faith behaviors consistent with those desired feelings.

FAITHFULNESS TO YOURSELF AND TO THOSE YOU LOVE IS ONE OF THE FEW THINGS WORTH BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS OR A LIFE ON, AT ALL.

Flakey double-minded schlocky, undisciplined irresponsibility will get you only more and more AND MORE PAIN!!! Life has enough pain without sowing it, wattering it and cultivating a bumper crop.

MAKE TIME FOR REFLECTION, SORTING OUT YOUR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS DAILY. EVEN IF ONLY 10-20 MINUTES. AVOID ALLOWING THE WORLD OR OTHERS TO ENDLESSLY SQUEEZE YOU INTO ONE URGENT CRISIS AFTER ANOTHER. TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR TIME AND OBLIGATIONS.

MAKE TIME for some fun and spontaneity frequently, daily where at all practicable . . . even if only for 20-30 minutes.

Watch what you feed your mind. GIGO--GARBAGE IN, GARBAGAE OUT--WITH INTEREST--INTEREST ON THE INVESTMENT LIKE PUSS, BLOOD, PAIN.

Anyway--I should go to bed. If you have some specific questions, feel free.

But you really do need a QUALITY counselor locally. You have lots to sort through. And if you don't find one that fits your goals, values and priorities or that just doesn't sync with you--keep looking until you find such. Community Mental Health centers used to have a sliding fee scale. I assume they still do.

Please let me know how it goes from time to time.

yo mr bo xian the thing u sayd about "dont let feeling be your master"
that was so deep,it really touched me.i respect u much for that^^
its so smart sayd i should listen to my head from now on

Well the first thing that you need to do for the little girl is establish paternity. Go and get blood tests to see who is the father.

Take all the confusion out of that one straight away. Then deal with the other things after.

Does the other guy know that the child may not be his?

Did he know you were both having sex while she was with him?

Affairs/friendships whatever you want to call it ends up messy. That is not fair on the child.

Affairs/friendships whatever you want to call it ends up messy. That is not fair on the child.

Actually, it's not overly healthy for anyone. Individuals and relationships do best where there's stability and commitment of at least some reasonably long duration.

There's something less than ideal about individuals prostituting themselves for crumbs from one another instead of standing tall as individuals and asking for those close to them to stand tall as well--first as individuals and then with them--maturely, responsibly, with self-discipline and self-control. Nothing else is a solid foundation enough for a very bright future.

But certainly the daughter is most at risk.

I hope the OP comes back on the thread and dialogues with some of us.

Thanks for your thoughtful post.