I Really Need Some Advice... Please Read

I'll try and keep this fairly short:

My girlfriend and I started dating November 16, 2006. we had been friends for a bout a year before this. I never really saw her as more than just a really good friend, until October 6, 2006. That was the night of our homecoming football game... the night that one of my best friends died of a heart attack in the game. And as we watched the ambulance race away, I was comforting her... and i just realized at that moment how much I loved her. She had the same experience I had. She had always liked e, but after that night... we just uterly fell for each other.

We've never fought, we've always been the best couple we could possibly be, and everyone said how perfect we are for each other... and i truly truly love her.

Here's the problem:

I moved away from Colorado Springs to North Carolina to atten College, and she is still there about to be a Senior in high School.

We've both agreed to work hard through this long-term relationship, and after my year here, I'm moving back to attend college with her. it's been really hard for us the last two months I've been gone... harder than I could have imagined, even though I'm used to not seeing people for long periods of time having lived in a military family most of my life.

Anyway, just recently she's been telling me that yes, she loves me, and she wants nothing more than to marry me... but she has one worry. she's scared about not experienceing certain things, that most people do/have. things from as small as maybe a zoo visit, to as big as a one-night stand, or just being intimate with someone other than me, who was her first.

While I too have worried about mmissing out on certain experiences... we were never sure how to do them, yet stay together.

here's the solution we came up with:

we stay together, but have an open relationship. If there is an experience she or I have the opportunity to experience, and we want to experience, we will ask and tell each other, talk about it, and decide what to do from there.

This way, we can stay together, and next May I will leave here and be with her for good, and we can both experience thingss we want to experience that we normally wouldn't be able to. now i know 1000% that any relationship she had with another guy, would never turn into anything, just like nothing i would do would either, so I don't have much to worry about.

i just want to know if this is a good solution to our problem of wanting certain experiences. we've both pretty much agreed that we can do this, as long as we communicate what we will/want to do. And second, i would like to see if you think this is a good idea, or that we should keep it a closed relationship and just try to fight temptation?

'm mostly doing this for her, but I cant lie and say there aren't things i want to experience that I normally wouldn't, so I just think this is the best possible solution, which makes everybody happy in the long run.

Any advice, success stories, or whatever will be TREMENDOUSLY appreciated!

Well ... this is a difficult one. You're young, you have a lot of life ahead of you.

So, here's my take as a middle-aged woman who's been around the block several times. Take it or leave it if it doesn't fit you, OK?

1) As I said, you are young. You're both really young. You have so much life ahead of you that I would recommend not even thinking about marriage at this time in your life. I married at 20, was divorced at 22. Please don't take this the wrong way, because I remember being your age and how this might have made me a little angry, but you haven't finished developing yet, even though it feels as if you have. You don't know who you're going to become fully yet. It's too early to make a life-long commitment. If it's meant to be, it will be, but it can wait if it's meant to be.

2) Long distance love affairs don't work very well. I learned this the hard way. And because of (1) it's not something that you should really be doing to yourselves right now.

3) Unless you are very very lucky an open relationship will pretty much be the end of the relationship you have now. You've both logically thought it out, yes. You both think you can handle it. But when competition of any kind on either side rears its head, your emotions are going to take over and you're not going to be able to deal with the backlash. If you guys really are meant for each other, and it's "true love" (which, BTW, I don't believe in), your innermost feelings of love will feel completely betrayed. It's a quick road to a n acrimonious end.

It sounds to me like she loves you, but she is being realistic about your lives and your youth by saying she hasn't experienced a bunch of stuff in her life. That's very mature of her. But I also get the feeling she doesn't know how to let you down so she's agreed to this open relationship business to try to keep you happy.

There's a saying, If you love something, let it go. If it doesn't come back, it wasn't yours in the first place.

From where I sit it's easy to say take a break. It's not my life, I'm not young and full of hormones and hopes & dreams, I've been through some serious relationship hell in my life and I'm on the jaded side. BUT I think you should give some real thought to if this open relationship thing is a valid option and one you should pursue, or if you're just trying to hang on to something that may not be the right something and this is the excuse to hold on a little longer.

I'm just sitting here thinking, you're so young! when I was your age, I wanted to get married. My dad tried to warn me, but I thought I knew it all and did it, and was divorced less than two years later. I wish I'd listened to him now, though then I'd be a different person because my life would have taken a different path.

This isn't the sort of thing you should let anyone else decide for you. Just read our posts, listen to our advice and reminiscings, and then make your own choice. Sometimes the hardest choice to make is the right one. And sometimes the easiest choice to make is the hard one. But I can't tell you what to do. I don't even want to say what I think you should do. But I will. Break up for now. Then reassess the situation when you move back home. It's the only fair thing to do. For both of you. But this is just what I think, and who am I? Some internet curmudgeon. Do what your heart says is the best thing to do.

[edit on 20-7-2007 by MajorMalfunction]

Oh, man, that's really hard! I commend you for finding a solution. But I'll tell you what, I think it's going to be easier said than done.

If she does go out with someone else and gets intimate with him, you really want to know about it? You know what? If you both are sure you can handle it, it's worth a try. You'll kind of be best friends with benefits and share stuff with each other.

If this feels right to both of you, and you think you can do it, then go for it.

After the time's up, you'll both know if you want to be together or not. And if it doesn't happen, it's because it wasn't meant to be.

My husband and I were apart for 1.5 YEARS recently but that's after being married for 14 years and we both sowed our wild oats when we were young.

I've had open relationships and they can work as long as you both have the right attitude and don't keep secrets. It's all about being honest and not trying to deceive each other or protect their feelings.

Good luck to you, man. If this works out, you're going to have one hell of a great relationship when it's all over! I wish that for you.

Edit: Malfunction reminds me. I was married at 16 and divorced at 17. It didn't hurt me but fortunately we didn't have kids. You are young and have a long life ahead.

[edit on 20-7-2007 by Benevolent Heretic]

Originally posted by MajorMalfunction

1) As I said, you are young. You're both really young. You have so much life ahead of you that I would recommend not even thinking about marriage at this time in your life.

Thank you for your advice, but as for this... we had already talked about it many times. neither of us would consider actually getting married until after school, and we were settled, so not until we were at least 25 or so. So it's not,like we're planning on getting married the second I'm back.

Originally posted by Benevolent Heretic

If she does go out with someone else and gets intimate with him, you really want to know about it? You know what? If you both are sure you can handle it, it's worth a try. You'll kind of be best friends with benefits and share stuff with each other.

Thank you too for your advice. I mean, Yea I'd be kind of angry if she got intimate with someone, but I know that I love her enough to not let it worry me. I've told her about my previous partner, and I'd be a hypocrite if I said anything about her sleeping with someone other than me. She's not looking for this... more of just a straight-forward dating thing, maybe just kissing and what-not... but she said that in either a case with me or her, being intimate might happen. Which i agree with her, it could happen, and we've agreed that we both should talk to each other before anything is done

Originally posted by Benevolent Heretic

I've had open relationships and they can work as long as you both have the right attitude and don't keep secrets. It's all about being honest and not trying to deceive each other or protect their feelings.

i know it can work... I'm just nervous since we just decided this last night... so it's just the beginning. and we've never hidden anything from esch other... she knows my deepest darkest secrets... and I know hers... even the ones we'd rather not have the other one knowing. I mean the other night, she called and said she wanted to go to a club with some of her friends... and would I be mad if she went and danced with some people that she might meet there. because she came and told me, I had no problem with it, because we both trust each other 100%.

You sound like your on the right track. I think what you are doing is the best thing you can do. You are pretty young and there is a whole lot of life to be experienced. I think it is better to experience life than to rush into a serious relationship right away. I made the mistake of getting too serious to fast. I did get married at 18 and we departed ways a couple years later. I say you should do what feels right(only you know what that is ) and just have fun with life.

Thank you for the response. Just giving this a little bump to get some more opinions on the matter.

got married when I was in my early 20's, and that was part of my ex's problem, she was just out of school, hadn't experienced anything and then decided she wanted to and I decided it was family time. While this was only part of the problem, won't go into it all. We drifted apart.

If you guys can have an open relationship and survive it, then good for you, but honestly they rarely ever work out. Jealousy is a mean creature and it can consume a relationship.

I wish you both the best and hope you have a happy and wonderful life together.

We've never fought, we've always been the best couple we could possibly be, and everyone said how perfect we are for each other... and i truly truly love her.

Here's the problem:

I moved away from Colorado Springs to North Carolina to atten College, and she is still there about to be a Senior in high School.

We've both agreed to work hard through this long-term relationship, and after my year here, I'm moving back to attend college with her. it's been really hard for us the last two months I've been gone... harder than I could have imagined, even though I'm used to not seeing people for long periods of time having lived in a military family most of my life.

Well it would seem that you are truly both in love. My question to you, although it would actually be rather better suited to your girlfriend is this : Is she only considering it because you guys are apart? She might feel insecure at the moment because you, her love, is far far away. Why am I saying this? Well only because of my past experience.

I'm 23 now, and at the age of 19 (ish) I got engaged to my girlfriend. Why did I do it? Because I was moving away to University and I wanted it to be a show of trust. It was much more than that of course as we both cared and loved each other very much. A few years down the line, things got stressed and it eventually broke apart. Needless to say I had a broken heart. I'm quite fine now btw. =p

My point though goes back to her possibly being insecure. Even if you were to ask her this she would obviously deny such things DarkHelmut. I don't mean paranoid or scared, but just slightly insecure. You have moved away (and trust me girls fear the worst - i.e what is he doing? Who is he meeting? Will he have the same feelings for me as I do him when he returns?) and she might be suggesting marriage as a sign of trust and stability, just like I did all those years ago.

she's scared about not experienceing certain things, that most people do/have. things from as small as maybe a zoo visit, to as big as a one-night stand, or just being intimate with someone other than me, who was her first.

Also the insecurities might be showing in the fact that she is uncertain whether it is the right thing to do because she's young and wants to experience other aspects of life. Marriage is a rather big ask for most people, even if you do truly love one another.

we stay together, but have an open relationship. If there is an experience she or I have the opportunity to experience, and we want to experience, we will ask and tell each other, talk about it, and decide what to do from there.

This way, we can stay together, and next May I will leave here and be with her for good, and we can both experience thingss we want to experience that we normally wouldn't be able to. now i know 1000% that any relationship she had with another guy, would never turn into anything, just like nothing i would do would either, so I don't have much to worry about.

i just want to know if this is a good solution to our problem of wanting certain experiences. we've both pretty much agreed that we can do this, as long as we communicate what we will/want to do. And second, i would like to see if you think this is a good idea, or that we should keep it a closed relationship and just try to fight temptation?

Be cautious here DarkHelmut. This might seem a good solution but if you let it it could possibly sprout jealousy and slight paranoia. Because the relationship is open and you can basically do whatever you want and mingle with whoever you want also, you or her might start to worry about who the other person is seeing. You see having an open relationship slightly severs the 'trust strings.' Even if you are both very trusting of each other I'm just warning you that one of you might begin to wonder what the other one is up to, such is the silly sub conscious. This might turn into arguments of one trying to prove the other one is innocent and it might make the gap grow larger?

Take what you will from my comments and I hope you don't get scared as that wasn't my intentions. I was just giving you word of warning. You are very much in love it seems, with great trust for one another so you should embrace that. The only advice you can give someone you don't know in person in these times is this :

"Follow your heart. Search deep down and find out what you really feel and wish to do. When you have found that answer, with all your effort and energy, make it work!"

Love will win through.

Yeah I don't think an open relationships is a good idea either. I say that in a very cut and dry sense. I think you should break up with each other, both go your own way for a while...experience things, travel, see other people....whatever else?... and if you find your way back to each other in a few years and still feel the same way about each other....then do something about it then.

I met my husband when I was 17....married 8 months later, and never got to do half of the stuff that other young people get to experience. I was pregnant 2 weeks after I got married! Do I have any regrets? You better believe I do! Live a little before you rush into anything....or live alot

hey darkhelmet,
i am a younger person in a serious relationship as well and i know u probably dont want advice from me but in my experience open relationships result in heartbreak. i think you two should break up until you get back. i mean with me and my ex we had an open relationship and we both weren't happy about it later. we thought it made us both more acceptable to cheat on each other. we didn't trust each other and it was not good. we thought all the same stuff you two are thinking of. but no matter how strong the relationship, you still hav that voice in the back of your hear telling you that the other person could easily just cheat on you with one of those other guys she did stuff with when you had an open relationship. but do what your heart tells you as corny as that sounds. mine was saying no and my mouth said yes. now that relationship is over and we aren't even friends. and btw im sorry about you losing your friend that must hav been hard. PeAcE!

Long distance relationships are very hard... and if she wants to experience life, it would be best to cut ties, and just be friends. It will keep either of you from being tempted to do anything with anyone else, and hurting the other.

I've seen nothing but heartache from open relationships. Don't fall into that trap. You can be friends from a distance, and that way if you two meet other people, then your free with out the guilt of it.

You two love each other, and if it's true love, it will always burn for the other no matter who you guy's meet.

I agree with MM... If you love something, let it go.... if it returns to you, it will always be yours... if it doesn't... it was never meant to be in the first place.

HI, just wanted to try and give you a little advice.

First of all I have to remind you that AIDS is prevalent in your age group.

It is increasing among young high school college women exponentially.

Promiscuity after having made a decission to be together is never a good idea.

Although long distance relationships are difficult at any stage in life, while you are young and your hormones and testosterone are in full tilt it is even harder.

If it is about being overly sexual and the need for release I strongly suggest that you get video cameras and find private times to mutually masturbate together on live video. This is not to say keep the footage, no, live feed will enable you to quit when you hang up.

If this is not the direction she would be willing to try first then I strongly urge you to have one more conversation with her and say that before you are with her again sexually (if she goes out on you) you will both go for AIDS tests to make sure that you are not walking around with a loaded gun. If she loves you she will comply with this sane suggestion. If she is not, then she is not the girl for you.

Remember that rubbers do not stop the transmission of AIDS and many other life changing diseases that will affect your future.

Best of luck and I hope that you are cautious about any promiscuous decisions you might make.

Just an aside, Antar, where do you get the information that condoms don't block HIV transmission? As far as I know, living with HIV as I do, they prevent HIV transmission nearly 100% of the time.

Just curious where you got that information from.

I agree with Benevolent Heretic here. You cant discuss what you do with other dates and she cant discuss those things with you.

You are both opening yourselves up to be very hurt and its not a good arrangement to say the least.

If you have to have an open relationship, keep mum. :shk: Dont be saying what you did- neither one of you.

I'm sure (just to make the point) you dont discuss when you use the bathroom. Just the same, dont discuss this. You will both live to regret it because you will not be able to handle the hurt.

Just some advice from one who has lived a little.

Listen to mom.

Senior in high school???

WAY too young to know what one wants...or is missing out on. There's plenty of time to confirm you've found your soulmate man...don't think this is it. If it is right, time will tell, but that's the best teacher...

And marriage?

Marriage is a commitment. It's highly doubtful you'll both feel that level of commitment after having an open relationship...but up to you.

No matter what either of you choose to do, you will both experience life. It's a matter of how you go about getting those experiences, and what you do with the experiences that _really_ matters.

I've been with my sweetie for almost 5 years. I used to wonder, worry that I'm missing some key experience that every twenty-something should have...

But I know that (for me) those random experiences could never match up to what my sweetie and I have.

The experience of a one-night stand cannot compare to a night of passion with your lover.

The experience of dancing with a stranger cannot compare to a dance with your love.


It's confusing. It always is. And there is no one right answer... (sorry)